The Sarapova blues

OK, so it is Wimbledon at the moment which is sadly another great summer tradition that we no longer attend because it is now overrun with corporate sponsorship & the chavistas. Therefore I resign myself to watching a few matches from the comfort of the sofa of sloth & even then, I feel my interest start to wane a couple of nano-seconds after Maria Sharapova was knocked out.

At least this morning, the Daily Mash brought us heartening news from South West London

The All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time. In the new version of tennis, sylph-like maidens will have a playful knockabout for an hour or so and make soft moaning noises when striking the ball.

Between sets they will rub oil into each others thighs and at the end of the match will congratulate each other with a wet, lingering, tongue-filled kiss. The umpire will be replaced by a 1970s comedy smut actor such as Robin Askwith, who will abandon the traditional scoring and instead say 'cor blimey' every time a player bends over to touch some balls.

A spokesman said: "Basing women's tennis on skill and points has allowed it to become overrun with lesbians. And by lesbians I mean the snorting, big-armed sort that like KD Lang, not the excellent ones you get in pornography." He added: "Some of them are competent sportspersons, but shouldn't they really be in the TA or delivering furniture?"

Doorstep dilemmas

This week we take our inspiration for our Friday firearms feature from the situation faced by both Frank Corti or Lady Griffin – on your own doorstep you are confronted by a violent criminal whom you need to dispose of with alacrity because your gentlemans gentleman is just about to pour pre-dinner drinkiepoos. Of course the simple solution is to get your gamekeeper to shoot said assailant, but unfortunately he is busy resetting the mantraps in the Lower Covert & the underkeeper has taken the wolfhounds to assist with the eviction of estate tenants who are late with their rent. Then to make matter worse & because your humble correspondent is an utter swine, I will add the following complications:

Firstly, one is a stout bulldog (either actual or honorary for the purpose of this post) therefore ones choice of sidearm must be British or Empire

Next, as the Webley Service Revolver has been covered in previous posts, you can’t have one of those – let’s assume that inadvertently it has been loaned to the vicar who is off remonstrating with the Methodists

Thirdly & finally, it is important to cut a dash as you dispatche your adversary. So aside from No.1 above, the bulge created by a Colt & Wesson Model 3000 turbo with 8 inch barrel fluted & ribbed for extra stimulation might undo all of one’s tailors hard work. Therefore think Basil Rathbone, not Dirty Harry

So for starters, we have a true bulldog style revolver

6 into the chest cavity at point blank range would almost certainly draw any doorstep unpleasantness to a swift conclusion & it is small enough not to ruin the cut of ones coat if slipped into a pocket

The Mother in Law from Hell has had a bit of an accident

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call saying that the the Wicked Witch of the West had had an accident on her way over to FM Towers. She narrowly escaped injury after she she was forced to make an emergency landing in a garden on the other side of the turnpike, after encountering a problem while on final approach

The Civil Aviation Authority has already issued a preliminary report, stating that the pilots vision became impaired by black cat's tail. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board & no one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft - she was really lucky .. we were not so

A further formal apology

A few days ago I published the following apology over comments I had made likening Gordon Brown, Peter Mandelson & our Labour Government to a bunch of Nazis

I wish to make an unreserved retraction of those comments because it is now clear to me that Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s cabinet & government bears no resemblance that of Nazi Germany’s

I would like to reiterate that apology once more this morning

Piccies from Peter & more of the same from Double Tapper

On This Day ... in 1855 & Others

One of the main Russian supply routes to the Crimea ran across a pontoon bridge at the Genitchi Straits in the Sea of Azov. Previous attempts by the Royal Navy to destroy the bridge had failed, but Seaman Trewavas of HMS Beagle was sent in a small boat to mount another effort. Rowed by colleagues to the bridge, he jumped aboard the bridge and proceeded to hack the cables holding it together, despite heavy fire from Russian sentries. Despite being wounded, he managed to break the bridge in two, and escaped in the boat. He was awarded the Victoria Cross.

Thursday morning caption competition

& to get you going how about... you are never caught short with the new short action xyz

Muffin tops & misogyny

The last couple of days have seen the temperatures in London soar to over 30 degrees. This is good & bad. On the upside, the glorious sunshine has seen young ladies cast aside normally their normally dowdy clothing but inevitably comes at a price & that price is the incidence of the muffin tops being spotted on the streets of our nation’s capital

all of which causes me to recall Michael Buerk’s call for decorum of a couple of years ago when the veteran news presenter has ruffled a few feathers by having the temerity to suggest that society is becoming increasingly feminised which of course is these days a capital offence in our inclusive urbanite metrosexual touch feely society. Specifically Buerk didn't have much time for fat girls with bare midriffs aka the dreaded muffin top.

Now, I am as happy as the next normal bloke to leer drunkenly at the shapely female form but I simply cannot think what processes some women who would not look out of place on the flensing deck of a Japanese whaling vessel to expose themselves in such a way in public. There is a common decency aspect here. If I want to see lard, I will get half a pound out of the fridge - but chavette, Shania Storm, never learnt about decorum because she skipped school that day & was busy getting ripped on alcopops & glue in a multi storey car park behind the shopping centre.

Frank Corti & Lady Rosemary Griffin

I suspect that everyone of you has read the story of 72 year old ex-Royal Engineer Frank Corti who delt out a proper old fashioned bulldog thrashing to thieving pondlife...

A burglar who broke into a house and threatened a pensioner with a knife got more than he bargained for when the victim turned out to be a retired boxer who left him bruised and bleeding

The only bit missing from this little tale is a truly happy ending whereby our hero having beaten his assailant senseless (& taken his time doing so) then produces his old service Webley & proceeds to save the taxpayer an aweful lot of money

OK, so so far so good but I am afraid that you might want to move anything breakable out of reach before you continue over the fold & I tell you news concerning Lady Rosemary Griffin who is a life long friend of my outlaws, the Old Salthorse having served with her late husband but before we go there, I will set the scene for you.

Lady Griffin was married to Admiral Sir Anthony Griffin, a former Third Sea Lord

Born in 1920, Sir Anthony entered the Navy in 1934 through the traditional route of a Dartmouth cadetship. During the Second World War he was on board the SS Britannia, on his way to join the destroyer Hereward, when it was sunk by a German raider off Freetown.

In 1971 Sir Anthony was appointed Controller of the Navy and Third Sea Lord, a position he held for five years. At the age of 70 he was awarded a Royal Humane Society Award for Bravery after diving into the Thames in a vain effort to save a young Jamaican

Lady Griffin was married to Sir Anthony in 1943 while she was serving as a Leading Wren stationed at Devonport. Her brother had been lost at sea when HMS Barham was sunk in November 1941

Now if everything breakable is out of reach, you can go on...

This brings back happy memories of my year in Finland

& before anyone asks, megapussi translates from Finnish as large bag

On This Day ... in 1944

After six days of painstaking and extremely dangerous work, a bomb disposal team led by Major Hudson, Royal Engineers, and two civilian scientists from the Ministry of Supply, Dr Dawson and Mr Hurst, succeeded in defusing a V-1 "doodlebug" that had crashed intact on a farm in Sussex. Three separate fuses in turn had to be made safe, one of them of a previously unknown design. Dawson and Hurst were awarded the George Medal, while Hudson received a Bar to the George Medal which he had been awarded for previous bomb disposal work.

Que reste-t-il de la culture francaise?

In 2007, the French taxpayer spent 3 billion Euros on matters culturel or if you like, Eur. 208 for every French citizen in what amounts to a cultural welfare state. You would think that by now the world has enough pretentious film noir but the self elected elite of our nearest neighbour clearly don’t think so. That however is entirely their own business & if the French taxpayer wants to fund more satirical mimes that criticise government wastefulness, that is entirely their own business. In my most humble of opinions, a complete lack of transgender theatre workshops is a very positive step in the right direction but then again you really cannot expect a country that drives on an unnatural side of the road to remain objective about such matters when as a society it is busy reinterpreting cubism from the existential perspective

Now whilst were are touching upon perspective, it is interesting to note that French politicians don’t currently seem too consumed by issues like unemployment that might well break 10% - instead their pint sized premier, has been talking about a topic that might as well be verboten in the Islamic Republic of Great Britain

President Sarkozy threw his weight yesterday behind attempts to bar French Muslim women from covering their faces in public, calling their full-body dress a “debasement of women”. Mr Sarkozy made his attack on a small but growing number of fundamentalist women in a “state of the nation” speech...

“In our country we cannot accept that women be prisoners behind a screen, cut off from all social life, deprived of all identity,” Mr Sarkozy said to applause in the parliament’s ceremonial Versailles home. “The burka is not a religious sign. It is a sign of subservience, a sign of debasement,” he added. “It will not be welcome on the territory of the French Republic.”

Black Rhino

The plight of the Black Rhinoceros is, or course, due mostly to the value of its horn and the ferocious poaching that this engenders. However, a contributory factor to the declining rhino population is the animals disorganized mating habits. It seems that the female rhino only becomes receptive to the male’s attentions every three years or so, while the male only becomes interested in her at the same intervals. A condition known quite appropriately as ‘Must’ The problem is one of synchronization, for their amorous inclinations do not always coincide.

Only in Australia

This is how you do it

This glorious insult is from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words...

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

Found by Alan

A government climbdown? Not for long

Home Secretary Alan Johnson has dropped plans to make ID cards compulsory for pilots and airside workers at Manchester and London City airports. The cards were due to be trialled there - sparking trade union anger.

He said the national roll-out of a voluntary scheme was being speeded-up - with London to get them a year early in 2010 and over-75s to get free cards

A national roll-out of a voluntary scheme ... what's the bl*ody point ... or to look at it slightly differently, voluntary but for how long?

On This Day ... in 1857 & Others

When mutineers launched a surprise attack at Indore, Colonel Travers led five men in a desperate attack on the enemy artillery, which won sufficient time for a loyal Bhopal regiment to muster for the defence, and European refugees to reach safety. Travers was awarded the Victoria Cross.

The Peoples Prancer & Patron Saint of Dysmorphia?

I might well not be alone in not giving a stuff that Michael Jackson is brown bread - in fact driving to the station on Monday morning, his passing provided a moment of such unmitigated hilarity that probably could only be surpassed by stamping on Ed Balls head until he finally shuts up as a result of massive cranial trauma. It was a glorious summers morning & I am charging through the Vale trying to run over as many little fluffy bunnies as I race for my train – last week’s total was 3 Peter Rabbits & a pigeon – when on the radio comes some showbiz bloke at the BET Awards, banging on about how the late Mr Jackson had been a ‘black man’. Oh how your humble correspondent laughed at the irony as little Cottontail went squish under Disco Dave's wheels

Death of a Battalion (Reposted)

While the liberal left British media crow about British & US losses in Iraq & 'The Stan', this morning I want to introduce something that your humble correspondent has little of ... perspective & yes, I have been watch Band of Brothers over the weekend.

My father-in-law, the Old Salthorse tells the story of his father, a YO with the RWF during WWI & at one point, the only officer still alive in the battalion. However, during the campaign in North West Europe 1944 - 45, units spent more time in action & suffered higher casualty rates than their counter parties did in the Great War. One example of the intensity of the fighting in the Normandy bridgehead is the fate of the 6th Battalion, Duke of Wellington's Rifles.

Having fought a traumatic battle at Le Parc de Boislande they remained to plug a gap outside Fontenay-le-Pesnel, which the SS Div Hitler Jugend was attempting to force. After 14 days of continuous fighting, their replacement CO (his predecessor having been killed), submitted the following report;

Brain wave?

Japanese car manufacturer Toyota has developed a way to steer wheelchairs using brain waves alone. The company says that the new technology enables users to move the chair without needing to move a muscle

So the Jap has come up with a way of steering wheelchairs using only brain waves & this is being heralded as some sort of breakthrough? 20 years ago I had a Land Rover that would drive itself back from the rugby club every Saturday night. Admittedly its internal guidance mechanism needed a spot of fine tuning because on more than one Sunday morning, I have had to prize off bits of vegetation/road furniture/dead animals etc

Some Iraq War food for thought

Found by Richard

John Kampfner unveils the ignominious truth about Sir John Chilcot’s Iraq inquiry and reveals Peter Mandelson’s demand, when Brown’s future hung in the balance in early June, that the hearings be held in private. Even now Mandelson’s priority is to protect Brand Blair

On This Day ... in 1315 & Others

The Anglo-Irish defenders of Dundalk sortied from the town to attack Edward Bruce's Scots and Irish forces encamped outside. The men of Dundalk were driven back into the town and Bruce's men, following on their heels, were able to force their way in. Indiscriminate slaughter then ensued, fuelled by the Scots' consumption of large stocks of looted wine.

& to conclude our Silly Season season: Too many freaks, not enough circuses

Over the last few days we have covered some of the other side of life down in these yerrr parrrrrts: crop circles, Stonehenge & the summer solstice, the Glastonbury music festival & pubs frequented by the I-believe-in-UFOs-brigade. However I really wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I thoroughly enjoy that particular time of time when our little corner of Blighty is overrun with hippies, new agers, Guardian reading pagan worshippers & their entourage of soap dodging dole moles

Free Market Towers is roughly mid way between Stonehenge & Avebury; accordingly your humble correspondent has the opportunity to examine some of those that follow an alternative lifestyle, in person & at short range, if you get my drift! Anyway, for me, this years solstice was regrettably marred but my flame thrower inexplicably failing to function. The finger of suspicion must point to Mrs Free Market who I strongly suspect has been engaging in “debates” with hunt saboteur scumbag pondlife

It is not that I feel honouring Mother Earth is a load of utter codswallop that it is. But quite why they need to crawl all over a World Heritage Site is beyond me. Fine, if you want to smear yourself in wode, don a rabbit skin codpiece & dance around in the woods with daisies in your hair - that is entirely your own business. However their so-called beliefs require marshals & an increased police presence I start to draw the line. However, it never ceases to amaze me how many of them seem to do this for a living, with no visible means of financial support. It puts a slightly different slant on Glastonbury’s rock n roll

Are you really surprised?

The BBC has come under fire for sending 415 people to cover this weekend's Glastonbury festival. The number, which included many senior executives such as the deputy director general and the chairman of the BBC Trust, is just 22 fewer than corporation flew out to film last year's Beijing Olympics. The cost to the BBC of covering the event, excluding any fee paid to the organisers of Glastonbury, is estimated to be £1.5million.

Just remember dear readers, high quality programming like this can only be brought to you by the unique way the BBC is funded

On This Day ... in 1942

US Army Air Force personnel joined the RAF in action against the Germans for the first time, when Captain Kegelman and three crewmen of the 15th Bombardment Squadron manned an RAF Boston bomber during an attack by 226 Squadron on the marshalling yards at Hazebrouck.

The twelve Bostons, escorted for the first time by the new Hawker Typhoon fighter

bombed from 13,000 feet, scoring hits on the yard itself, some sidings and a railway embankment. All the aircraft returned without loss.

Kegelman subsequently led with distinction the first formal US bombing mission on 4 July 1942, when six US crews joined six crews from 226 Sqn in attacks on German airfields in the Netherlands

One for PETA?

Found by Rhys

This morning's breakfast

0845 at Sparkford Services down in deepest darkest Somerset

On This Day ... in 1916 & Others

Private Hutchinson of the Lancashire Fusiliers was the first man into the German trenches during a raid on the Western Front, and he successfully led the way in the very dangerous work of trench clearance, killing several of the defenders at close quarters. When the raiders retired, Hutchinson acted as the rearguard, providing covering fire for the evacuation of the wounded, despite heavy enemy fire. He received the Victoria Cross.

Yesterday Evening

Driving across the fields with The Englishman on our way to the pub

On This Day ... in 1743 & 1942

King George II, commanding 35,000 British, Hanoverian and Hessian troops, defeated the French army of the Duc de Noailles, 26,000 strong, at Dettingen in Bavaria. It was the last time that a British monarch led an army in the field.

The French army held a strong defensive position, but the Duc de Noialles, bored of waiting for an attack, rashly launched one himself.

The battle was marked by ferocious cavalry actions. Cornet Richardson of the 7th Dragoon Guards suffered 37 wounds defending his Regiment's Standard. The flag survives to the present day, the oldest in the British Army, in the Regimental Museum of the Royal Dragoon Guards.

Trooper Thomas Brown of the 3rd Dragoons also distinguished himself in defence of Colours. Seeing his Regiment's standard being carried away in triumph by a French cavalryman after a fierce melee which left over half the Dragoons dead or wounded, and despite having had part of his left hand severed by a sword blow, Brown managed to retrieve the flag and fight his way back alone through the French lines, suffering six further wounds to the head and body. He was knighted on the spot by King George, along with the Earl of Stair and Colonel Campbell of the Scots Greys; the last time that knighthood was conferred on the field of battle.

Handel wrote the Dettingen Te Deum to celebrate the victory. The campaign was also marked by the agreement between the two sides to treat military hospitals as neutral sanctuaries, largely due to the efforts of Sir John Pringle, often regarded as the founder of modern military medicine.

The Silly Season

Continuing a Friday evening pub feature, as regular readers will have gathered by now, its that rather strange time of year down in these yerrrrrr parrrrrrrts. By now the silly season has well & truely started - it was heralded by roads clogged with organically powered hippy vans, heading to Stonehenge for the summer solstice. Having conducted their 'rights' over the stones (pagan idolatry?) they will all now traipse off to Glastonbury for the pop festival this weekend. Therefore this evening we will feature one of our more outlandish local pubs

The easiest way to get to The Barge Inn is by UFO. Exit intergalactic space at the Milky Way, follow the signs to the solar system, hang a right at Mars, & over Wiltshire zero in on the cluster of crop circles. (If you are coming from Earth, follow the canal west of Pewsey & its the 9th bridge on the left.) You can't miss the pub. It's the one with the earthlings wearing Jesus sandals & Grateful Dead T-shirts.

Mud, money & festival free enterprise (Reprised)

I know that I continually get accused of living in the past but I can help but comparing the young men that appear in our In This Day entries with the slack jawed Playstation obsessed yoof of today, who also seem to wallow in the mud … but on the mud of the Somme. That has been replaced by the mud of Glastonbury, which takes place this weekend . This means by now just about every Vets surgery in South West England has been stripped of Ketamine

Lucky for the young'uns, these days the heavy metal isn’t red hot shrapnel fired by the Boche at our grandfathers when then were that age – it’s a sheeeeeeeek of equally long haired chavs with laces undone & tousers halfway down to their ankles, belting the merry hell out of some electric guitars with lumps of lead piping … & there was me thinking that white noise was what they subjected you to during resistance to interegation training. I am starting to feel my age

Now it isnt just your humble corrspondent who is somewhat bemused by the whole Glastonbury vibe. Clarkson-san, writing in The Times …

On Friday morning my wife got dressed up like Worzel Gummidge, put some bog roll in a bag and roared off in her Aston Martin to watch a bunch of useless teenagers singing in the rain at Glastonbury. I think she may have gone mad. And she’s not alone. Helicopter companies all over the southwest have reported a booming demand for charters. Everyone in the de luxe tenting business is now on a beach in Barbados and all last week Brixton was doubtless awash with hedge fund managers and BBC programme controllers trying to buy drugs.
And getting the wrong sort. “Yeah, man. You gotta try some of this horse tranquilliser. It’ll even you out.” Honestly, I bet that this morning Glastonbury is full to overflowing with your accountant calling all the policemen pigs and trying to reverse onto a selection of other men, having ingested six gallons of crystal meth.

I have no problem with that. I’m not going to spend the next foot of newsprint berating you for not acting your age and laughing at you as you try to remember how to roll a joint. But I do have a problem with Glastonbury.

Now whilst getting soaked to the skin whilst sewage contaminated mud swills over the tops of your wellies might not be your idea of fun, but the whole Glasto concept is one that we should all embrace … & why, might come as a little surprise. Forget all the tie dye hippy Nu-Earth festival nonesense that get trotted out on occasions, what Gastonbury is all about & make no mistake about this, is not naked new age travellers – its bare faced CAPITALISM.

So Michael Jacksons dead....

Please feel free to publish suitable jokes in the comments section below

Summer sport

We are now at that point in the summer when after a couple of weeks of hype, British competitors at Wimbledon get knocked out on the first day, its starts to rain & we can all go home complaining again . Indeed last night saw your humble correspondent recumbent on the sofa of sloth watching the ladies tennis from Wimbledon because .... errrrrrrr well just because & I have to say what an unedifying sight it was – young (ahem) ladies grunting away like a sty full of young porkers. Therefore as you plan your summer viewing of sporting endeavour, forgive me for drawing your attention to an altogether more gentile event: yes, the annual Chap Olympiad will now soon be upon us

Organised by those simply top hole chaps at The Chap magazine

for Saturday 11th July in Bedford Square Gardens, London, the day allows well-dressed competitors to descend upon this verdant garden in Bloomsbury to pit their wits, their trouser creases, their cocktail mixing abilities - but not their athleticism - against their peers in challenging events such as the Three-Trousered Limbo, Moustache Wrestling, Quill Throwing and Bounders.

The Olympiad seeks to celebrate specifically British qualities, such as the excessive drinking of dry martinis before luncheon, the wearing of monocles, the smoking of pipes and the maintenance of an immaculate crease in one’s trousers despite having tripped over a basset hound on the way to the pavilion.

When Hair meets gansta: The worst police mugshot ever?

With his hair half-braided - and half in a huge bushy afro - Marcus T. Bailey could easily win an award for worst hair day of all time. The 25-year-old had been halfway through a visit to the barbershop when he stepped outside allegedly to sell crack cocaine to two addicts. What he didn't know was that police were waiting for him and promptly hauled him off.

The result was this extraordinary mugshot which shows off his unconventional hairstyle in all its glory. Bailey teamed his new look with a rather sulky pout. Police say they recovered about 21 grams of cocaine from his car in Evansville, Indiana.

On This Day ... in 1306 & Others

Following Robert Bruce's murder of his rivals John & Robert Comyn, during negotiations in Greyfriars' Church at Dumfries, & subsequently crowning himself King of the Scots at Scone, Edward I had dispatched Aymer de Valence & Henry Percy into Scotland with advance forces. Meanwhile Edward mustered the royal army to deal with what was seen as not just rebellion against English overlordship but also an appalling offence against Christian & chivalric standards. De Valence caught Bruce's army at Methven & a surprise cavalry attack destroyed the Scots army as it settled down for the night, Bruce barely escaping.

Just when you thought that the expenses row was dying down...(Updated)

The BBC is poised to provoke a fresh row over expenses by refusing to disclose how much its executives spend on entertainment for their stars. Days after MPs caused public outrage by blacking out details of their expenses, the BBC is refusing to reveal how much is spent on hospitality and gifts for its best-paid celebrities

& if you want a example of the supreme arrogance & the complete & utter distain that the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation treats everyone including the taxpayers that fund it...

The BBC has repeatedly used freedom of information exemptions to block inquiries about staff pay and expenses, refusing even to tell the National Audit Office how much its radio presenters were paid

Eight six shooters: Your Thursday morning Smith & Wesson medley

For your express firearms dedication, this morning we start with an assiette of shortarms & for no particular reason I can think of, I chose the most excellent products of Mr. Horace Smith, Mr. Daniel B. Wesson & their successors

So without further ado, lets kick off with Model 10 Victory revolver so named for the "V" prefix which was placed before the serial number & represented "Victory" against the Axis powers in World War II

In 1957, Smith and Wesson began a convention of using numeric designations to distinguish their various models of handguns. The M&P was renamed the Model 10. The M&P/Model 10 has been available in both blued steel finish and nickel finish for most of its production run. The model has also been offered throughout the years with both the round butt and square butt. Beginning with the Model 10-5 series shown below

in the late 1960s, the tapered barrel and its trademark 'half moon' front sight were replaced by a straight bull barrel and a sloped milled ramp front sight

On This Day ... in 1916

The Kaiser knows the Munsters, by the Shamrock on their caps,
And the famous Bengal Tiger, ever ready for a scrap,
And all his big battalions, Prussion Guards and grenadiers,
Fear to face the flashing bayonets of the Munster Fusiliers

Lieutenant A.H.H.Batten-Pool led a raid by the 2 Royal Munster Fusiliers on German trenches. Early in the attack, a grenade blast shattered his right hand, but he continued to lead the attack with distinction until, half an hour later, he suffered two more wounds and collapsed. He received the Victoria Cross.

The same night, Australian infantry conducted a similar trench raid at Armentieres. The attack was a success, destroying two German ammunition stores and securing some prisoners. However, while making their way back to the Allied lines, several men in the group fell wounded in No Man's Land. Private Jackson went back and brought in one man successfully. He then went out again, with Sergeant Camden, to bring in another casualty. As they were carrying the wounded man back in, however, they were caught by a shell blast that knocked the sergeant out, fatally wounded the casualty, and took off Jackson's right arm below the elbow.

Despite the loss of his arm Private Jackson managed to return to his trenches, claiming he only felt "a numbing sensation". An officer applied a tourniquet to his arm, using a piece of string and a stick, and Jackson returned to No-Man’s Land for another half an hour until he was satisfied there were no wounded men left on the battlefield.

The hospital ship St. Patrick took Jackson from Boulogne to England where the remainder of his right arm was amputated. While recovering in an Australian military hospital near London it was announced that Private Jackson had been awarded the Victoria Cross "for his great coolness and most conspicuous bravery while rescuing his wounded comrades while under heavy enemy fire". Approval of Jackson’s VC was gazetted on 8 September 1916, just five days prior to his nineteenth birthday. Sergeant Camden was also awarded the DCM for his part in the rescue of wounded soldiers that night.

Is John Bercow a metaphor for the Conservative Party?

The question that is being asked in the corridors of the Palace of Westminster today is not to what extent will the new speaker of the House of Commons seek reform or indeed has he reformed from his right wing past, it relates to his trouble & strife, Sally Bercow...

Hot or not?

Just clearing up a point from yesterday

Whilst Pusser's rum is indeed the drink of choice on the lower decks, in the officers mess wardroom I believe that the default tipple is gin, normally gallons of the stuff quaffed to no discernible effect & out of choice preferably Plymouth Gin...

Soon after Coates & Co began in 1793, Plymouth Gin became a firm favourite in the numerous countries it was shipped to. The gin drinking of the Royal Navy considerably enhanced gin's prestige as it climbed the ladder of respectability in Victorian times. By 1850 Coates & Co were supplying over 1000 barrels of 'Navy strength' 57% abv gin a year to the Royal Navy who mixed it with angostura bitters or lime for 'medicinal' purposes

Admiral of the Rear Free Market, being a bit of a stickler for tradition, tends to start his day with 3 fingers of Plymouth’s finest, just to take the edge of the hangover & carry on pretty steadily from there. None of the “Staffie, where’s the sun?” nonsense, much more likely “steward where’s my refill, damn your eyes man”

Picture post

Just a some of the pictures that have lurking in a dark corner on my laptop

Tourettes syndrome & chat rooms

Again dear readers let us set matters of taste firmly to one side in a similar manner to which the box’eads spurn any semblance of dress sense. Once great Britain might now be engulfed by political correctness, but like a debutants bra (up & out girls, up & out) tonight I fully propose to make light of incurable neuropsychiatric disorders – if you are in anyway offended by this, that is entirely your right as an offendee (eh? Ed) in exactly the same way as it is my right as an offendor to poke fun at sufferers of Tourettes Syndrome.

Whilst more than one person has commented that increasingly your humble correspondent suffers from a severe case of coprolalia (yes, that’s coprolalia – Google it!) that is nothing when you consider that these days a prerequisite of achieving high governmental office seems to be that you need to be a complete nutter, intellectual spastic, retard or preferably, combination of all three. Parliament isn’t so much a ship of fools as proof that Care in the Community simply doesn’t work.

Pheasant & Leek Pie

First shoot your phessies etc etc etc then ...

2 pheasant breasts
1 tbsp olive oil
Salt & freshly ground black pepper
Knob of butter
1lb sliced white leeks
A good slug of double cream
3/4 lb puff pastry
1 egg, beaten

Lightly brown your pheasant breast in a little olive oil and salt
Meanwhile roll your rough puff pastry to size and cut out a circle for your pie base
Press the base gently into the bottom of a suitably sized bowl
After a few minutes on each side remove your pheasant breasts and let them rest
Make the leek filling for the pie with sliced leeks softened in a little butter and mixed with double cream
Cut your pheasant breast into thin slices and arrange on top of the leeks
An egg wash along the edge of the pie helps to seal the lid. Press the edges together to secure and decorate with the prongs of the fork
Turn out the pie onto a baking tray. Working round it with floured hands, turns up the edges and helps to keep it in shape
Prick to allow steam to escape and bake in a hot oven. After 40 minutes brush with egg and return to the oven for a minute or two to glaze

Stolen from Gill at River Cottage

On This Day ... in 1314 & Others

Robert Bruce's Scots army met the invading English under Edward II at Bannockburn near Stirling Castle, where an English garrison was holding out. Bruce killed the English knight Sir Humphrey de Bohan in a famous single combat in front of the two armies. Bruce's men, despite being outnumbered 2:1, then held their ground against inept English attacks, eventually securing a decisive victory. 37 English nobles were killed in the fighting, and about 500 knights captured.

Giant bubbles – giant waste of money

As economic activity declines still further & the purse strings get ever tighter, it really does take (local) government to find bigger & better ways to spend dwindling revenues

Two giant musical inflatable spheres will be floating across a Norfolk broad to help residents relax. South Norfolk Council is hosting Midsummer Chillax (a combination of the words chill and relax) at Whitlingham Country Park, near Norwich.

One sphere will contain a flautist and the other an aerial dancer. A council spokeswoman said the free event was aimed at "banishing recession blues" and entertaining the "staycation generation of holidaymakers"

Apparently...

Councillor Michelle Monck, South Norfolk cabinet member for leisure, said: "[It is] our attempt to counter the economic doom and gloom with a range of free and low cost, fun and culturally vibrant events for local residents and visitors to enjoy."

No doubt Councillor Mong thinks that the taxpayer will enjoy their hard earned holidays all the more in the clear knowledge that the public’s money is being so frivolously spunked away.

The croissant issue

Again, a little follow up ... but this time its last weeks disastrous conference theatre workshop utter load of old the b*llocks : the croissants were pretty good. Even better were these little puff pastry thing-a-mes that had sausages in ‘em. Smeared with mustard & Sauce OR* they were definitely the highpoint of the day

I hope that clears that point up to your satisfaction. Sadly I don’t suspect that I will we invited back to sample them again

Cleaning up after the hippies

As was so correctly pointed out in the comments about yesterday’s summer solstice post, the New Age hippy drippy dope smoking scarifies are more than ready or bang on about the environment & yet they take every opportunity to treat it with the utmost contempt
Sadly, it reminds of the last Countryside Alliance march in London when half a million of us wurzels went to protest about the Hunting Ban: afterwards there was simply no litter dumped on the streets. This surprised some commentators but to be honest, not me. However when you look at how these ‘worshippers’ treat an archaeological site of global importance...

... it is worth recalling that there are countrymen & those that go to the country. Never ever get the two confused

Cycling clubs

If I could get my hands on one of these, even I might be tempted to take up push biking

A wave of the fat capitalist cigar to Alan for finding it

A spot a housekeeping from last week

You might recall the story of Fata Lemes - but just in case you have already tried to expunge the memory of this sorry individual

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

We here is a picture of Ms. Lemes in her work frock which clearly disgusting & as she says absolutely makes her look like a prostitute

& for the avoidance of doubt, this is a picture of Ms. Lemes from her Facebook profile...

On This Day ... in 1372 & Others

A squadron of twelve Castilian galleys, dispatched north under Fernan Ruiz Cabeza de Vaca and Ruiz Diaz de Rojas to support their French allies, surprised an English flotilla under the Earl of Pembroke, anchored off La Rochelle. Pembroke, en route to take command in Poitou, was carrying a pay-chest of 20,000 in gold. The English ships were caught wholly off-guard, and captured or burnt, Pembroke and his gold falling into enemy hands. The Castilians then joined forces with a French squadron under the Welsh exile Owain ap Thomas, returning from a raid on Guernsey, to blockade La Rochelle. The city fell two months later, on 15 August.

Stonehenge & the summer solstice

Its official, the evenings are starting to draw in as last weekend saw the passing of the summer solstice which seems to have become the cue for hippy van loads of soap dodgers to converge on these yerrrrr parrrrts to expirence the errrrrr mysticism of the sunrise ... yeah right! There were only 37 arrests this year.

At the moment you cant get down any of the byways that crisscross this part of the world without ending up scraping the side of some untaxed, uninsured rainbow wagon with the mower on the back of your tractor & don’t ask me how I know this

Sometimes we can learn from other cultures

Last week we touched upon cocktail waitresses’ dresses, this morning I thought that we would start our week with school girls’ skirts or to be precise, the miniskirts unless anyone has an objection to that? No? OK so I will continue with this sad news from Upton by Chester High School.

100 pupils walk out of high school in protest at ban on short skirts

Now normally we might be expected to offer join in such protests in the hope of achieving such lofty goals however before you start painting the placards, you might want to take a quick shufti at Chloe & Stacey Tate, who are at the centre of the row...

On This Day ... in 1916 & Others

On the Western Front, British engineers were digging a mine underneath the German trenches when the enemy detonated their own counter-mine beneath the British shaft. Five of the miners were trapped in the tunnel by the resulting cave-in. A rescue party worked for a whole day to try to reach them, and eventually made contact through a small shaft. Three of the trapped men were able to crawl to safety, but a fourth man was too seriously injured to get through the hole.

Sapper Hackett, the fifth member of the team, insisted on staying with him rather than taking the opportunity to escape. There was another cave-in shortly afterwards, and by the time a fresh tunnel had been dug three days later, both men had died. Hackett was awarded a posthumous Victoria Cross.

The VC was also awarded to Sergeant Erskine of the Cameronians, who rescued three wounded men under heavy fire from No Man's Land.

This afternoon, we have been cutting the grass

Time to put mower away & have a cup of tea

On This Day ... in 1596 & Others

Having displayed exemplary operational security (unlike Hawkins' and Drake's disastrous West Indies expedition the previous year), Lord Howard's royal expedition made a surprise descent on the port of Cadiz, sinking or capturing the Spanish warships in the outer harbour and landing an assault force under the Earl of Essex.

The city was taken after a few hours fighting, the only local leader to have shown any resolve being the bishop. The only failure was to secure the ships of the immensely valuable West Indies flota, sitting in the inner harbour; these were looted by their own crews and then set alight - Queen Elizabeth was not pleased at the lost opportunity to seize the cargo valued at some £3.5 million, equal to ten years' normal revenue for the English crown.

The English remained in Cadiz for a fortnight, without facing any significant effort by the Spanish to oust them, before heading home with what was still a huge quantity of loot Lord Howard's chaplain had stolen from the Jesuit library and donated his ill-gotten gains to Hereford Cathedral, while the Earl of Essex gave the Bishop of Faro's library to the new Bodleian Library at Oxford.

Spain's reputation as the greatest power in Europe suffered disastrously from her failure to protect one of her most important ports. Don Pedro de Zubiaur was ordered to lead a new Armada in a reprisal against England in October, but luckily for the English, whose ships were now in dock refitting, the Armada was caught by a gale off Galicia and forced to return home having lost thirty ships.

On This Day ... in 1306 & Others

At Methven, the English under Aymer de Valence, enjoyed a victory over Robert the Bruce, newly crowned King of Scots. He was forced to flee into hiding in the Western Isles, with many of his closest allies captured and executed.

That Friday feeling

Its a beautiful summers evening here. I think that I might just pop in here for a sharpener on the way home

There is little evidence of prehistoric settlement but the village was mentioned by name in 940 and a village grew up around the church and manor house, already standing by 1086. The village was comparatively small. Its assessment for taxation in 1334 was among the lower totals of the area but it subsequently expanded. There were 86 poll-tax payers in 1377, and by the 16th century it was apparently the largest village in the parish. Settlement seems to have remained around the lower part of ‘the street’ in the 17th century, but cottages were built on the slightly higher, better drained, land around the Green in the 18th century. A public house called the Swan stood at the south corner from 1746 at the latest

A formal apology

Earlier this week I published what I thought at the time was a whimsical piece comparing the unelected First Secretary of State the Right Honourable the Lord Mandelson PC, with the democratically elected Adolf Hilter. I am deeply sorry & embarrassed to have compared British Labour Party of 2009 with the German National Socialist Party of 1939. I wish to make an unreserved retraction of those comments because it is now clear to me that Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s cabinet & government bears no resemblance that of Nazi Germany’s

I realise that such comparisons are completely incorrect, have no basis whatsoever in fact. The Policies that the Labour Party have pursued since 1997 have at no time sought to discriminate against certain sections of society to the advantage of others.

I therefore redact my previous erroneous comments without limitation & hereby undertake not to be nasty about law abiding politicians again. Not.

Mauser 'Broomhandle' 1896

I promised the other day that we would 'do' as it were, the Broomhandle Mauser - so man of my word that I am, here we are....

Contrary to common belief, the C96 was not invented by Paul Mauser, but by the Feederle brothers (Fidel, Friedrich, and Josef). Fidel Feederle was the Superintendent of the Experimental Work Shop, and it is reported that the C96 (then referred to as P-7.63 or the Feederle Pistol) was designed and prototyped without the knowledge and against the wishes of Paul Mauser. Be that as it may, production began in 1896, and ended about 1939 with over one million C96 pistols produced.

& yes, it was worse than even my most pessimistic predictions

So the first question on the day was that we were all asked what was the single largest issue that would face the capital markets over the next 10 to 15 years...

Academic No.1: Climate change

Fund Manager No.1: I completely agree

Banker No.1: & to add to that, corporate & social responsibility

Broad murmers of agreement

YHC (in already agitated tone): No its not & in fact thats all utter utter tosh. The single biggest issue that faces the market is that over the last 24 months we have been responsible for the destruction of hundreds of billions of pounds of investor & shareholder value

Cue collective intakes of breath

Clearly none of you sit in the same investor meetings that I do but three of my large institutional shareholders are represented around this table & I can assure you all that they dont give a stuff if baby penguins drown, all they want to know is how we propose to earn back the money we have lost

At this point one or two of the delegates actually hissed me. Funny & lets just say that I went on more a wee while longer...

If what are laughably known as industry leaders are more interested in the next tree hug-a-thon than creating shareholder value, the economy is in much worse shape than indicators show. Let’s just say that I don’t think that I am going to be invited back anytime soon

On This Day ... in 1857 & Others

At Delhi, Troopers Hancock and Purcell, with the aid of a Indian irregular cavalryman, rescued a brigadier under heavy fire after his horse had been shot. Hancock was badly wounded in the process. Both Hancock and Purcell were awarded the Victoria Cross, as was Private Turner, who later that evening, during a vicious night action, carried to safety a badly wounded officer, despite himself receiving a severe sabre wound. Sadly the officer subsequently died of his injuries.

When horizon scanning no longer has anything to do with U-boats

This morning you find me en-route to some one day beano that has been organised by one of the business information services & a firm of consultants. However these are not ordinary consultants as a swift check of their website revealed last night. These people

are a strategic futures consultancy helping clients to anticipate, interpret and act upon important developments in the external world

Among a lot & I do mean a lot to jargon it would appear that they specialise in strategic facilitation as well as horizon scanning. I really hope that that means they serve decent croissants at breakfast because I really fancy a couple of really good croissants for breakfast this morning when the 20 industry leaders that have been invited take a break from shaping the market to 2020 & beyond.

Even more intriguing is that I will personally help this shaping of the market by employing outside-in-thinking. Gosh! So I have promised the boss that I will be on my best behaviour & be a good corporate robot, even if it is just for one day. However I swear that I one of these shinny suited consultants uses the term horizon scanning just once, I am going to kill everyone in the room

Trigger control

Tonight I don’t propose for one moment of delve into the intricacies of perfect trigger control – there are those out there far far more qualified than I will ever be to opine on that particular topic. Rather I would like to very briefly (for a change) make an observation & comment of my own particular experience.

When I am on the range I always know the exact point in time at which the rifle will release the shot: that final exhale & as the cross hairs come up onto the target, I make a conscious decision to squeeze the trigger. However in the field when I am shooting something preferable cute & cuddly – shooting to kill if you like - it’s quite different.

The process all starts in the same way, the exhale & the recognition that the cross hairs now reside upon the point of aim. But after that nothing. When Bambi, Foxy Loxy, or Peter Rabbit get given the good news, I never seem to make a conscious decision to take the shot – the rifle just seems to go off in my hands, without thought if you like

Post shot, I’d say that my recovery & reload drills are very similar on the range or in the field– it’s simply that marked differential in the actual release process. One registers, the other doesnt. I’d be interested to hear if any readers experience anything similar

On This Day ... in 1429 & Others

The French, led by Jeanne d'Arc, defeated the English at Patay, capturing John Talbot, the Earl of Salisbury.

The Final Cut?

The irony that this article was sent to me by reader EX-STAB. Happily he is so named not because he has a reputation for gettin’ jiggy wiv a blade, a Lee Enfield topped off with some cold British steel is more his style, but he has many years service as a member of the Territorial Army. The regular Army have been known to refer to the TA disparagingly as STABs which is an acronym for Stupid TA Ba*stard, hence his nickname.

Now while we are on this topic & purely in the interests of editorial balance it is worth pointing out that that the STABs refer to their regular colleagues as ARABS; Arrogant Regular Army Ba*stards. However let’s not dwell upon fantasies of plunging sword bayonets into the chest cavities of expenses fiddling MPs & take as our breakfast digestif, Nanny’s latest idea...

The first "anti-stab" knife will soon go on sale in Britain and has been designed to work as normal in the kitchen, but be ineffective as a weapon. The knife has a unique "combination tip" that reduces the risk of injury. The tip has a rounded edge instead of a point and the blade for cutting is underneath. While it can chop vegetables, the tip makes penetration more difficult. It also snags on clothing and skin, making it very unlikely to inflict a fatal wound.

In response to this utter nonsense & having seen an emerging gap in the market, the Free Market Corporation is this morning proud to announce its new range of street brawl blades & its flagship model, The Slasher

Targeted directly at underage urban yoffs that have been recently dissed, it is guaranteed to deliver not only complete customer satisfaction & but also fatal puncture wounds.

Next week Nanny will introducing ladders you can’t climb, roads you are unable to cross & hypoallergenic cotton wool but fear not dear readers, as I type this FM Corporation scientists are working through the night to develop the sort of products that you the customer not only demand, but have a right to

Race & Religion 3: Putting the ban into D'Rabbanan

Over the last day or so we have been having a little pop at the Mohammedan for being a gang of utter utter numpties. Today, as just to show that religious bias is not tolerated here – all are treated with equal distain – it’s the turn of the Red Sea Pedestrians ...

A couple have taken legal action after claiming motion sensors installed at their holiday flat in Dorset breached their rights as Orthodox Jews. Gordon and Dena Coleman said they cannot leave or enter their Bournemouth flat on the Sabbath because the hallway sensors automatically switch on lights. The couple's religious code bans lights and other electrical equipment being switched on during Jewish holidays.

They have now issued a county court writ claiming religious discrimination. They also claim breach of their rights under the Equality Act 2006 and Human Rights Act 1998 and the case is due to be heard at Bournemouth County Court next month

The answer remains the same in all instances: if you don't like it here, you have the right to leave at any time

So the Iranians are killing one another in the streets

What's there not to like about this story ?

As I haven't done one of these for a while

Apparently....
I am a right moderate social libertarian
Right: 4.92, Libertarian: 1.01

Political Spectrum Quiz

How they spend our money

MPs on the justice select committee were supposed to be going to South Africa - to find out more about prisons - on a five-day trip next week. It’s purely a “co-incidence” that they would have been there for the Lions tour of SA, according to officials. Naturally. But sport-loving MPs may now be rather unhappy that the trip has been cancelled because of the Speaker’s election

Its a real shame that actually doing the job you were elected to do gets in the way of all the freebees - mind you, the other week when the House of Commons was supposed to be debating defence, only 10 MPs bothered to turn up...

With breathtaking cynicism, the Government arranged for the annual Commons debate on "Defence and the World' to take place last Thursday, to coincide with polling day in the local and Euro-elections. This, and the hysteria over our incredible exploding Government, ensured that only 10 MPs turned up. These included just one Labour backbencher, someone called Madeleine Moon, who assured the House that the only reason why Europe has been at peace since 1945 was the creation of the European Union (she is apparently too young to have heard of Nato)

Just two more reasons, as if we needed them, for the lynching to start

Cultural attitudes

The News Junkie found this interesting little piece

The Economist reports on a Harvard study that confirms what common sense would suggest: Immigrants bring with them the cultural attitudes of their home countries, and those attitudes persist in their children

Set aside the immigrant thang for just moment: it seems entirely logical that children are highly likely to inherit genetic abnormalities, unpaid credit card bills, as well as their parents' cultural attitudes. This is possibly why your humble correspondent’s seven year old daughter uses the word gay as a pejorative term.

Hold on....whats that? I think I can hear Social Services hammering at the front door.......

Heil Mandelson

Take a picture of Peter 'Mandy' Mandelson such as this...

& photoshop on a Hilter moustache like this...

The results are way way too convincing for my liking

A wave of the fat capitalist cigar to Tomo for coming up with this one

On This Day ... in 1775 & Others

Perhaps some 4,000 American revolutionary soldiers under Colonel William Prescott advanced onto the Charlestown Peninsula on 16 June to seize the hills overlooking Boston Harbour. Their orders were to take Bunker Hill, the highest and most easily defended of the heights. Instead, they occupied Breed's Hill, nearer to the harbour, and hastily constructed defensive positions there. Their presence was detected on the morning of 17 June by the British forces across the water in Boston. Royal Navy ships began a bombardment, while General Howe landed 3,000 troops on the southern shore of the Peninsula.

Two determined charges were launched up Breed's Hill, but were driven off by rebel fire. Reinforcements arrived, allowing a third bayonet assault. Rebel ammunition supplies were now low, and Prescott was driven from the hill. His men suffered heavy losses in their flight north.

The British had lost over 1,000 men, mainly in the first two attacks on the hill, the revolutionaries losing over 400 men, mainly in the retreat. The battle is normally known as Bunker Hill, despite being fought on the neighbouring heights.

Meanwhile, down in these yerrr parrrrts....

Crop circle experts believe the latest pattern to be discovered, a phoenix rising from the flames in Wiltshire, may give a warning about the end of the world

....arrrggggghhhhhh......it’s that stupid time of year again when every Norman No-Mates mystic numpty twat dons druidic dress & starts talking complete & utter bollocks

The 400-foot design was discovered in a barley field in Yatesbury near Devizes and depicts the mythical phoenix reborn as it rises from the ashes. Investigators claim more formations are referencing the possibility of a cataclysmic event occurring on December 21, 2012, which coincides with the end of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Really?

Something to ponder over your Corn Flakes

The European famine in the 1840s forced farmers into other activities which helped catalyse the first Industrial Revolution

Widespread unemployment during the Great Depression during the 1930s pushed workers into new sectors which ultimately created the Service Economy of the second half of the 20th Century

During the 1970s downturn, two of the giants of computing - Apple & Microsoft - were born, ushering in the Information Age

I wonder what the legacy of the current global economic difficulties will be?

Race & Religion 1: Rod Little is talking sense (again)

& can add nothing to this. Read, learn, inwardly digest.

Perhaps it will come as a vague consolation to the parents of Ben Kinsella that he was not murdered for racial reasons, but simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, as they say. Ben, aged 16, who was white, was stabbed to death by three black men near a nightclub in north London; there was no apparent motive for the murder.

We skirt this issue, mostly for decent, if deluding reasons – that a proportion of young black males is more likely to commit violent crime than other sectors of the population. It is a form of racism, though, to assume that the problem is simply a given, and unalterable – but we have been hamstrung in our attempts to deal with it for reasons of political correctness.

Gates

First up we have the traditional cleft oak gate

next, that stalwart of the shires, the hooked 5 bar

now we mustn't forget the classic heavy braced crossed oak design

& finally something a little more contemporary...

Race & Religion 2: Putting the mad back into Mohammadian

I know the Rocket Bar quite well (don’t ask) but before anyone says anything, it’s not that sort of a bar where gentleman might strike a fiscal arrangement with a young lady. There are some bars that you would rather not be photographed leaving but this isn’t one. In fact it is a regular post office watering hole for Mayfair’s young professionals even if it seems to have among its clientele, a surfeit of top totty (allegedly). Well not quite according to one ex-employee

Deep breath & here we go dear readers.....

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

& the sexually revealing dress in question looks like... well this

Sorry boys I know it is all rather tame but

The tribunal said Miss Lemes’s £20,000 compensation claim - including £17,500 for hurt feelings - was “manifestly absurd”. Instead they awarded her £2,919.95 for both hurt feelings and loss of earnings

WTF!!!! You sponging little scrubber.

Given the amount of screaming your humble correspondent has been subjected to from aggrieved shareholders over the last 9 months, my employment claim for hurt feelings should be larger than your average bank bailout & before anybody else asks, I would have no problem in wearing a little red number to work, in fact this morning.....

More here, here & here

On This Day ... in 1487 & Others

At Stoke, Henry VII led some 6,000 troops against about 9,000 Yorkist and Irish rebels under the young Lambert Simnel, who claimed to be Edward, the son of the Duke of Clarence, and had claimed the English throne in Dublin the previous month.

Simnel's army was marching on Newark, when Lord Oxford mounted the first Royal attack. However, this was roughly handled by the rebels until Henry engaged with his main force. The best part of Simnel's force comprised some German mercenaries under Martin Schwartz, and they held Henry's men at bay for some considerable time before the rebels collapsed and were slaughtered.

Although the victor, Henry lost perhaps a third of his men. Unusually, the defeated Simnel, only about ten and very much the puppet of the Yorkist nobles, was shown clemency, and famously given a job in the Royal kitchens.

Snake Oil

I have to confess to being mildly amused by this...

An Oxford University graduate died after being injected with an experimental anti-ageing drug by her sister, a GP. Yolanda Cox, 22, suffered a massive allergic reaction after being given three times the normal dose as part of a test of the unlicensed drug invented by their mother.
Mrs Cox had been married for just nine months when she agreed to be a guinea pig for the drug, which the family also believed to be effective against cancer and diabetes.

It not that medical research, serious medical reserch should be taken at all lightly, but these muppets weren't just playing at it, they were positively dangerous

Hospital doctors and paramedics said the family resisted requests to give them information about the drug even when Mrs Cox was in intensive care, the inquest heard. Dr Alexander Mackay, of the Royal Free Hospital, said: 'The family were extremely reluctant to go into detail about the drug. They wouldn't say what was in it, and said I didn't need to know

My only regret about this story is that the rest of the family didn't each have a large shot of their homemade drug in their glasses of Cool Aid.

The Lancaster Pistol

I was sitting in the smoking room of Claridges enjoying a very nice port wine when I was aware of an older gentleman of millitary bearing being introduced to me by the porter. "Ah, young Doctor Sprague, over from the colonies I hear!" I smiled and replied, "No taxation without representation!!" which seemed to serve as a good icebreaker.

And so I met Colonel James Fellows, late of the 13th Bengal Lancers and veteran of campaigns in Sudan and Afganistan, a remarkable old soldier. The conversation turned to firearms and current trends in service sidearms when he told me of an unusual pistol that many officers purchased as personal weapons for campaigns in the late 19th and early 20th century. Reluctant to startle senior members of the club, he invited me round to his town house to view this fasinating pistol...

So I thought, given that we had quite a few VCs from the Mutiny last week we should start today with something a little different such as the Lancaster Pistol

A lot of the old boys had been through the Indian Mutiny and the talk of the officers mess was always how those little beggers would take a few pistol rounds and still keep on coming, so when I got posted to the Sudan I wanted somethng that was stop one of those Fuzzy-Wuzzies in their tracks. Off I go to the Army and Navy Stores 'cause in those days an officer had a lot of leeway in their choice of personal weapons and fell in love with this beauty as soon as I saw her. Fellow behind the counter said they were selling like hot cakes, popular with tiger hunters out in India by all accounts. The level of workmanship is quite evident in the checkering of the butt and the blueing as would be expected from the firm of Lancaster, who by appointment to His Majesty the Prince Consort supplied shotguns to the royal family. The locking mechanism is also shotgun-like as you can see, and operates a self-extractor. Feel the weight, hmm? 2 ¼ lbs so you run out of bullets, HIT THE B*GGERS!

On This Day ... in 1215 & Others

King John put his seal to Magna Carta (the Great Charter) at Runnymede Green

Ways to spend a summers day: vermin control

Get yourself a Larsen Trap & pop in the Judas bird, sit back & wait

Be sure to have your rimfire to hand, or alternatively (as I tend to do), simply throttle the magpies

Now the main problem with trapping vermin is that whilst perfectly legal, if the bunny huggers come across them, they either steal or wreck them - but not if they are labelled RSPB Census complete with logos.

On This Day ... in 1645 & Others

The battle which decided the outcome of the English Civil War was fought at Naseby. Sir Thomas Fairfax commanded Parliament's New Model Army against King Charles' Royalist forces. Whilst the outnumbered, Royalist infantry held their own in the centre, Prince Rupert's cavalry swept away the Parliamentarian horse on one flank. However, Oliver Cromwell's cavalry proved equally effective on the other flank. Unlike Rupert, Cromwell was then able to swing his horsemen round to decide the infantry battle in the centre.