FREE MARKET FAIRY TALES

Your country will need you

In overnight traffic, Kim made the follow more than generous offer

Mr. FM, as a furriner I would feel it not my place to participate in the Glorious Day's festivities, but I would be happy to perform what some may call "menial" services (oiling the rope, holding your coat etc) while the executions take place. I also know how to reload, very quickly, a Bren gun's magazine, if that would be of any assistance...

Come The Glorious Day, how will you help?

Omari Roberts

Tonight dear readers it pains me to draw your attention to the disgusting treatment of Omari Roberts & what this tells us about once Great Britain

Omari Roberts, who stabbed a burglar, Tyler Juett, he caught red-handed breaking into his mother's home has appeared in court charged with murder. The 23 year-old allegedly killed his victim, 17, after he caught him tring to burgle Jacqueline McKenzie-Johnson’s home in March, Nottingham Magistrates’ Court heard.

"Someone said to me earlier that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but I said that he was in the right place at the right time. An Englishman's home is his castle. He says he was in the right. He regrets what happened, but he was defending himself and his property."

& incidentally, I completely blame mealy mouthed lawyers for all of this which is why they will all be hanged, but to continue...

Speaking ahead of the hearing, the Crown Prosecution Service said it decided to charge him because if believed he used "excessive and gratuitous force" during the drama. Ian Cunningham, from the CPS's Complex Casework Unit for the East Midlands, said the matter had been given "very careful" consideration since the incident happened.

He added: "I have also looked very carefully at the public interest in this case, and I am satisfied that the public interest requires a prosecution." Mr Cunningham said guidelines made clear anyone using "reasonable force" to defend themselves would "enjoy the full protection of the law". He added: "However, the law also makes clear that people could be prosecuted if they act with excessive and gratuitous force."

It goes without saying the Mr Ian Cunningham’s name has been added to The List & rest assured, he will receiving very special & personal attention come The Glorious Day

However in the interim, it will come as no surprise to you that Family Free Market completely endorses Castle Doctrine but is also actively lobbying to achieve paradigm shift in what are currently esoteric legal concepts such as the Generation of Violence & Winning the Firefight. However while we are waiting for I gave him the full nine yards officer to become enshrined in both statue & case law, as law abiding subjects of Her Majesty should some thieving chavie scroats break into FM Towers, all we would do is to meekly dial 999 & hope that the police save us from a very uncertain fate ...yeah right!

& now the news

Apparently Vapid has kicked out the clinically brain dead tattooed one after he slept with their nanny who has revealed that she is having therapy because the telephoto lenses of the paparazzo’s cameras make her ankles look fat but in between giving salacious interviews to Red Top gossip columnists has found time to have a fling with ex-boyfriend Gary Wrong who was awarded Chav of the Year at a glittering awards ceremony where Dimwit, showing off her fabulous new Fred West outfit ended up having a lesbian snog with even Stupider despite being six months pregnant

Its breakfast time at Free Market Towers – freshly shot deers kidneys pan fried in real full fat butter washed down to with my usual Joy through Strength blend coffee & a couple of comeback bracers to flush away the worst ravages of hangover. Having got blood alcohol levels back up to a sensible cruising speed it is time for your humble correspondent to turn his attention to the really important business of the early morning – forget matters of global importance, the financial crisis or whether the nutters in Tehran are in fact going to nuke us to billy-o , it’s celebraty news that we really crave & like Mummy Cormorant, the MSM gleefully regurgitates it. Copiously.

While all of this is going on the left hand side of the pond, Julia, Jennifer, Megan, Angelina, Brad, Charlize, Tom, Zoe, Ivanka, Kandy have all been doing at lot of things that I really really don’t give a stuff about. Fantastic! In fact after all of that excitement coupled with Amy’s latest indiscretion ,your humble correspondent completely forgot that he was supposed to go to work this work & settled down of the real business of the day...contemplating Cheryl Cole for what little is left of the morning

Aside from filling some column inches in the Daily Star & providing equally banal content for unwatched breakfast television shows, who the hell are any of these people & what is it that do they do ? Why does anyone think that I might be the slightest bit interested in how they spend their evenings A more charitable person might conclude that all of this pondlife needs to be immediately incarcerated in the nearest loony bid, I however would be more than happy to assist with the recycling of their corpses in the new larger hole I have had to dig in the bottom paddock over the weekend

The truth about climate nonsense

Next Thursday marks the first anniversary of one of the most remarkable events ever to take place in the House of Commons. For six hours MPs debated what was far and away the most expensive piece of legislation ever put before Parliament.

One who voted against it was Peter Lilley who, just before the vote was taken, drew the Speaker’s attention to the fact that, outside the Palace of Westminster, snow was falling, the first October snow recorded in London for 74 years. As I observed at the time: “Who says that God hasn’t got a sense of humour?”

More here

Quite right

Germany's football stars have been warned to expect to wear bullet-proof vests at next summer's World Cup in South Africa. The head of a security firm said players, like Michael Ballack, would need such protection if they ventured away from the team's Pretoria hotel amid safety fears.

Guenter Schnelle from BaySecur said: "The possibility for the players of moving outside of the hotel boundaries should be kept to a minimum." "Otherwise there must be a full escort: armed security guards and bullet-proof vests for the players," he told German magazine Sport-Bild.

Lets be honest here, if potting the Hun was good enough for grandpa & father

then its good enough for us

Biscuit risk assessments

Council workers are given advice on how to eat biscuits safely in the latest example of health and safety rules taken too far. One council has even claimed to have supervised tea breaks for safety reasons. The tea and biscuit policies were disclosed in a survey about accidents caused by biscuits which was sent out as a joke by a biscuit company.

The fictitious 'British Biscuit Advisory Board' was created as part of a £3m marketing campaign by Fox's biscuits. National televison advertisements and billboards highlighted its campaign to 'educate the public about responsible biscuit choices and promote safer biscuit eating practices'.

A spoof 'workplace biscuit risk assessment test' - written in bureaucratic Health and Safety language - was created and issued to 5,849 council workers across the UK. A total of 813 over-cautious council employees clicked through to the online survey and 437 worried workers actually took the time to complete it.

If it were down to me & mores the shame it isn't , this morning we would be making an additional 813 public sector job cuts. Clearly these people have nothing better to do

Planet facing 'catastrophe' – Brown

Taken from a Press Association article of the same name which should have been called Planet facing catastrophe Brown. But enough of that at least for the time being & on with this morning’s climate nonsense...

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has warned that the planet is facing "catastrophe" if action to stop rising greenhouse gas emissions was not agreed at forthcoming UN talks on climate change. Mr Brown said letting the emissions which cause global warming run unchecked would have massive economic, human and environmental costs. He warned that ignoring emissions would leave the UK facing a future of killer heat waves, floods and droughts

These rabid assertions are made in the face of embarrassingly inconvenient scientific data that shows that the planet is in fact getting colder & the oceans are cooling. This has caused a fresh outbreak of climate hysterics that run along the lines of ‘we know that earth average temperatures are falling but they might increase again in the future ... at least that is what our latest unsubstantiated geo-climatic models show’ & they are probably about as accurate as the last lot that proved that by last November snow would be thing of the past & the Southern Atlantic would have by now reached the temperature of the hot tub that I don’t own ... only it hasn’t.

In a speech to 17 leading nations meeting in a bid to make progress towards agreeing a new treaty on climate change at UN talks in December, he warned of the "heavy price" of failure - with no Plan B for the planet if negotiations collapse.

Failing to tackle climate change would have an economic impact worse than that of the two world wars and the Great Depression, he said, but action could provide economic opportunities in green jobs and technology

Actually continuing to have the country bankrupted by Nu Labour is probably more destructive than two World Wars & the Great Depression – certainly Blair & Brown have destroyed many more of our much loved historic institutions that the Luftwaffe ever managed

He told the Major Economies Forum - gathered in London for talks which aim to narrow the gap between different countries on areas of dispute ahead of the climate summit in Copenhagen - that a deal was possible.

He said heads of state should work together directly to secure a deal with binding targets for rich countries to cut their emissions in the coming decades, action by developing nations and funding to help the poorest countries cope with the impact of climate change.

& yet China and India have all but refused to do anything & as anyone who has ever visited either country can testify, you have no comprehension of what pollution looks like until you have seen firsthand what those fellows kick into the atmosphere

The Prime Minister's warning over the consequences of failure were welcomed by environmental groups, who want rich countries primarily responsible for the greenhouse gases in the atmosphere to take the lead in signing up to tougher emissions cuts.

In fact, as pointed out by Simon, Lord Christopher Monckton sums it all up rather nicely, certainly from the US perspective.

I make that last point from the American perspective because loss of sovereignty isn't an issue for us bulldogs ... the Westminster Village sold us out to Brussels years ago.

Still all whiteys fault

Found by Matt & shamelessly right (wing) clicked from Biased BBC

From BBC Radio Five Live’s Simon Mayo Show:

Jo Brand: My personal opinion is that you can't be racist towards white people. You can be prejudiced about them but being prejudiced isn't an illegal act whereas being racist can be.

Jo Brand: No I don't. I think the definition of racism also encompasses political power. So you can't be racist towards a race that’s politically more powerful than a minority. That to me is the correct definition of racism. I think you can be prejudiced towards a group of people who are more powerful than you, but I don’t think you can be racist towards them.

Please be clear dear readers, in this dark dank little corner of the internet we don’t hurling abuse at women because they are overweight warty lesbians & the inane drivel that emanates from self loathing white liberals is greeted with nothing more than a knowing smile. In fact the only ‘self’ that we do here is self medicating with decent sized measures of single malt. I am happy to report that your humble correspondent has been on an intensive course of treatment this evening while watching Generation Kill – definitely a better way of spending time than worrying about some washed up oude dijk. The reason that we smile knowingly is that we know that Ms Brand’s name is already on The List & we rejoice upon hearing her opinions being voiced , because we know that this sort of high quality content & programming can only be brought to you by the unique way that the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation is funded

Wot no warming ??

This headline may come as a bit of a surprise, so too might that fact that the warmest year recorded globally was not in 2008 or 2007, but in 1998. But it is true. For the last 11 years we have not observed any increase in global temperatures

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !

What is really interesting at the moment is what is happening to our oceans. They are the Earth's great heat stores. In the last few years [the Pacific Ocean] has been losing its warmth and has recently started to cool down

According to research conducted by Professor Don Easterbrook from Western Washington University last November, the oceans and global temperatures are correlated. The oceans, he says, have a cycle in which they warm and cool cyclically. The most important one is the Pacific decadal oscillation (PDO).

For much of the 1980s and 1990s, it was in a positive cycle, that means warmer than average. And observations have revealed that global temperatures were warm too. But in the last few years it has been losing its warmth and has recently started to cool down. These cycles in the past have lasted for nearly 30 years

They are villains & rascals, every man jack of ‘em. I for one will be ensuring that my ‘ready use’ rope is well oiled because the Climate Chicken Lickens are the only group known to possess a religious fervour that surpasses followers of radical Islam. Their rational & augments are equally as flawed.

Of wops, dagos & pakis

Frankly I would rather cut my toes off with a pair of bolt cutters than watch Strictly Come Dancing however Mrs FM does for some inexplicable reason, rather enjoy it . Last Saturday she was cheering Tuffers on

I was horizontal on the sofa of sloth looking at the Bear Wear website when one of us remarked that the judges for the best part seemed to comprise over excitable wops & dagos. Frankly I couldn’t care less, just as long as they either shut up or died & I am honestly neutral on either option. A few days on & it would appear that a new race row has erupted...

Bruce Forsyth has stressed he does not "excuse or condone" racism after an interview in which he said the Strictly race row was being taken too seriously. Forsyth told Talksport radio people should have a "sense of humour" over Anton Du Beke's use of the term "Paki". But in a statement on Thursday, Forsyth said: "To be absolutely clear, the use of racially offensive language is never either funny or acceptable."

Of course in the painfully politically correct BBC Land, terms like paki are a doubleplusungood. Indeed if you have a look at posts passim we have covered gollywogs before & if one of the prancers on an absurd over hyped waste of taxpayers’ money TV programme uses a naughty naughty word, I couldn’t be more ambivalent. As I pointed out in my Stills post earlier this year, just because you can’t say that one of the contestants, upon returning from makeup, looks like a paki doesn’t for one moment alter the fact that she might look like a paki. It also doesn’t alter the fact that you might not be allowed to refer to them as such but the Scrictly Come Dancing judges do seem to be comprised of an awful lot of over excitable wops & dagos

On This Day (Part 2) ... in 1967

This morning dear readers there is an additional On This Day post as today marks the anniversary of the happy slaying of commie scumbag Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, following his capture at Quebrada del Yuro in Bolivia

Yes, the man that while alive spouted bad politics & in death, hundreds of thousands of pieces of lousy student art finally got his own bullet riddled comeuppance

Deans World points it all out with the pic below...

& the following Che quote

"To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary...These procedures are an archaic bourgeois detail. This is a revolution! And a revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate. We must create the pedagogy of the The Wall!"

"The Wall" meaning the wall that Che Guevara so happily put people up against to shoot them.
But Che didn't always bother with the wall. One of his favored methods of killing was to tie his victim to a chair, gag him, walk around the room a bit ranting at him, and then slowly walk up, pistol in hand — and splatter the victim's brains and skull across the room while his companions watched.

I bet that would play well down at the Student Union bar - happy hour could certainly take on a new meaning

& before this mornings Alka Seltzar kick in...

Notwithstanding John Holland’s admittedly well founded assertions about your humble correspondent’s manhood (see posts passim) some of the abuse & miscellaneous vitriol that passes this way leaves me at times a little mystified. OK, so my train of thought has generally been cancelled because of overrunning engineering works & there is a replacement bus service in operation, the grammar isn’t much cop & the spelling is at times pretty woeful – but to vilify me simply because I kill wildlife without hesitation or remorse seems in to be a vainglorious attempt to deny the food chain. However I have a lingering suspicion that the overwhelming majority of these numpties are probably the sort of people whose lips move when they read Deidre’s Photo Case Book. Or Welsh.

As the saying goes, a gentleman is never unintentionally rude (at least when sober) & I am starting to come to the conclusion that my prodigious consumption of excisable liquors might not altogether help matters or my equanimity ... or my bank balance. However the upside of regularly waking to hangover of positively biblical proportions is that with a little luck & a half decent internet connection, the night before I might just have posted something through a haze of single malt that has reduced some Guardian reading liberal in North London to the electronic equivalent of thick green crayon. Indeed all of those hours spent burning the midnight oil trying desperately not to finish a sentence with a preposition are so worthwhile if just one member of Greenpeace can be reduced to choking on its lentil broth at the very notion of my latest intemperate ramblings

Of course as a regular perpetrator of thought crimes & a staunch advocate of the recycling large swathes of the population as human landfill it is probably only a matter of time before I receive the six o’clock knock from our increasingly emasculated & painfully politically correct police & incarcerated in a some faceless Nu Labour Re-education Centre somewhere ghastly ... like the West Midlands. Sentenced to read the Gospel according to Polly Whiniebee & watch re-runs of Big Brother because if ever there was a graphic metaphor for how My Little Toni & Comrade Brown have systematically set about dumbing down once Great Britain there it is, I have little doubt that harbouring reasonably robust views on individual responsibility & personal freedoms will lead to a lengthy if not indeterminate sentence

However time will pass quickly if from time to time just one fat ankled underage single mother who feeds microwave pizza & oven chips to their snotty nosed repeat offending feral offspring stumbles across these dusty rants & gets upset instead of just being economically inactive. So much the better if she has ginger hair. No doubt her publically funded lawyer will go to great lengths to explain to the court exactly how much trauma Chantelle has suffered which is why she is now suing me for hundreds of millions of pounds because Liberals (who are anything but liberal) can’t resist telling us what to say do & think. You can’t smoke, can’t drink or own a 4x4 anymore: but if against all odds & despite the burden of red tape that business now labours under you actually make any money, they want to tax it off you so that it can be given by the skip load to the Porridge wogs

Pah!

Of yobo boyos & cross dressing cage fighters

Only in Swansea dear readers, only in Swansea...

Two yobs who attacked a pair of cross-dressers picked on the wrong guys - they were cage fighters on a night out in fancy dress. Drunken Dean Gardener and Jason Fender taunted the pair who were tottering along the street in wigs, short skirts and high heels.

When bare-chested Gardener aimed a punch at one of the cage fighters, his friend, wearing a sparkly black dress and long wig, stepped in and landed two lightning quick blows. The punches sent the yobs reeling, while their intended victims teetered away in their high heels, stopping only to pick up a clutch bag they had dropped during the melée.

They had already scrapped with several men, including one dressed as Spider-Man, before they approached the cross-dressing cage fighters.

But better still

The incident was caught on CCTV as the pair confronted one of the drag queens, who was wearing a pink wig, black skirt and boob tube.

& the money quote...

As they appeared in court yesterday, their lawyer, Mark Davies, said: 'You know it cannot have been a good night when you get into a fight with Spider-Man and two cross-dressing men.

Maybe there is an upside to this whole CCTV thing?

Snooping on the snoopers

Following on from yesterday morning’s post about survalliance Britain’s new super snooper game & with thanks to Free Marketer Simon, Internet Eyes Limited (Reg. No. 06161806) has two directors: Mr Anthony Morgan, Managing Director (in the centre of the picture below)

& Mrs Carolyn Morgan, Company Secretary

The company’s registered address is Lammas Park House, Priory Road, Dawlish Devon EX7 9JF. Now if you put that address into Google, Lammas Park House comes up as a guest house in Dawlish

Of course, the two might well be completely unrelated businesses however I’d check very carefully before staying there. I for one certainly wouldn’t take the risk

Forget Crimewatch

Britain, already one of the most snooped-upon nations on Earth, is about to become a nation of snoopers. A network of citizen crimewatchers will be given the chance of winning up to £1,000 by monitoring CCTV security cameras over the internet.

Subscribers will be able to register free and will be given up to four cameras to monitor. Eventually the consortium behind the idea hopes to have internet users around the world focused on Britain’s 4.2 million security cameras, waiting to see and report a crime in return for cash prizes.

This would be hysterically funny if it weren’t so sad. Its Nu Labour is action is you like (not that the Tories are any better mind you). My earnest recommendation aside from standing orders to shoot out CCTV cameras at every opportunity, should anyone come across any of the directors or staff of Internet Eyes, they are immediately hanged from the nearest lampost.

The real criminals are in the Westminster Village ... yet they steal our money & erode our freedoms without scrutiny but with complete impunity

P.S. If anyone has a Companies House account, I would be grateful if you could get me the names & home addresses of the pondlife directors behind this so that I can publish them here

IEDs & scissors

Comrade Brown repeatedly assures us the reason British Forces remain committed on the North West Frontier is that by doing so, it makes Blightly a safer place... & then you read something like this...

A north London council has apologised after a woman was refused the loan of a pair of scissors in a library because she "might stab a member of staff". Lorna Watts, 26, a self-employed dressmaker, was turned down at Holborn Library in central London ... Ms Watts, from Islington, north London, said: "I asked why I couldn't borrow a pair of scissors and she said, 'they are sharp, you might stab me”
.
"I then asked to borrow a guillotine to cut up my leaflets but she refused again - because she said I could hit her over the head with it!"

Frankly why go to all of the time, effort, trouble & expense of getting bombed & shot at by a people who want to be left alone so that they can return to living in the Middle Ages to make once Great Britain safer when officious council employees seem to be quite capable of achieving the same thing. If I were a Tom sitting in Helmand province waiting to get blown up by an IED, upon reading this sort of thing I wouldn’t so much pack up & go home as just pack up & go somewhere else. Anywhere else.

Why bulldogs now need to carry a tape measure

Whilst the compulsory carrying of identity cards by Her Majesty’s law abiding subjects seems to have slipped from the Westminster Village’s pernicious agenda for the time being, it would appear that in one part of the West Country you now need to carry a tape measure in your car...

Angry motorists say they may have to carry tape measures with them to avoid parking fines in a Devon resort. Torbay Council has warned drivers it is considering issuing fixed penalty notices to people who park more than 50cm (20in) from the kerb.

The council said Torbay had many narrow roads and action had to taken against irresponsible drivers whose parking can impede emergency and service vehicles. The deputy mayor said the alternative was to restrict parking for everyone.

There are probably those among you who feel that parking within 20” of the curb isn’t an unreasonable request ... well I am not one of them, mainly because I am such a completely lousy driver & can’t park a car for billy-o. As Mrs FM is oft to point out at my latest diagonal effort, that isn’t parked so much as abandoned

Therefore rest assured that should I have reason to visit Torbay I shall ensure that I have a tape measure to hand so that if confronted by some officious Council Revenue Officer I can ensure to cut the correct length of tow rope to lynch the little runt with

Animal Day 4: Badgers & wicker men

It was Saturday afternoon & your humble correspondent was standing in the local trading post buying yeast, copper tubing, 12 bore cartridges & some badger bait. Now that the autumn is upon us, the fields are clear of crops & we can get back to doing something about bovine tuberculosis regardless of old Brock’s very efficient PR campaign. Down here in the Vale, we don’t see many ‘men from the Ministry’ – at least not since the last two disappeared on the very same day that the 30 foot Wicker Man in Jayfurt’s top field mysteriously caught fire

Now here’s something that might interest you & you certainly won’t learn from those Marc Jacobs sandal wearing twats in the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporations Natural History Unit – the whole lemming thing is a complete & utter misnomer. It’s not lemmings that commit mass suicide it is in fact badgers. Quite regularly, I drive to the station first thing in the morning & within 5 miles, pass half a dozen dead badgers at the side of the road. Coincidence? I don’t think so – it must be some sort of Brock suicide pact

Sadly, the time when farmers were allowed to control badger numbers have long since gone & these days, such behaviour is likely to result in Nuremburg-esque accusations & a six o’clock knock from the paramilitary wildlife police. In Brown’s Britain, it is alright for our feral yoof to hound families with disabled children to their deaths but try to protect the stock in your fields & before you can say it the bracelets were well & truly, & in the finest Maoist tradition you will be being denounced by the Badger Broadcasting Corporation ... which is why this morning dear readers, you will farmers the length of Albion stuffing apples with paracetamol. The more bungs that Nu Labour take from the fluffy bunny brigade (e.g. the £1m from the Political Animal Lobby before the 1997 election), the more suitably prepared apples will get rolled into setts - such actions have the advantage of causing frothing hysteria among the anthropomorphists & catastrophic liver failure in badgers

Polanski

One of life’s great pleasures aside from hanging lawyers & burying members of Greenpeace in the concrete foundations of a new bypass that is being built across a nature reserve is watching the liberal left getting itself completely arse about face over an ‘ethical dilemma’ ...

Roman Polanski's wife said today she was “outraged” by his arrest and vowed to fight American attempts to extradite him. Actress Emmanuelle Seigner is said to be “fearful and angry” at the Oscar-winning director's arrest in Switzerland on a 1978 warrant for having sex with a 13-year-old girl. The 76-year-old faces weeks in prison while France and Poland fight his extradition.

Seigner, 43, who has been allowed to speak to Polanski in his cell, was today rallying fellow film stars to try to prevent his extradition. A friend of the couple, who live in Paris with their children, Morgane and Elvis, said:

“Emmanuelle is fearful and angry about what has happened, and is devastated by the effect Roman's arrest has had on their family. She was outraged by his arrest and is pleading for his release, and rallying friends and colleagues from many years in the film industry to express their support. Seeing Roman disappearing to the United States and a possible life prison sentence would tear their life apart.”

So here we have an actress asking ‘Hollywood’ to oppose the extradition of someone who has been convicted of sex with a minor – no more, no less. The argument about this is a Frenchman being arrested in Switzerland for a crime committed in the USA is completely fatuous: To put it another way, would the liberal left of California be up in arms about if this case wasn’t about a film director, but your average Jean-Pierre?

Let’s hope that there is a happy outcome to this unfortunate situation in the very future – if half of what I read is correct, there are certain penal institutions in California where sex offenders can expect to receive a very warm welcome from other inmates

It does what it says on the tin

A 14-year-old girl has died after being given a cervical cancer jab as part of a national immunisation programme, but the exact cause of death is unknown. The pupil took ill at Blue Coat CofE School in Coventry shortly after she received the Cervarix vaccine. She died in the town's University Hospital.

This girl didn't die from cervical cancer, so the jab worked right? ... or am I missing something here?

Designed by F&F. Priced by Tesco. Modelled by Fatou, cell 6

A Tesco checkout girl chosen to model for the supermarket's autumn advertising campaign is in Britain illegally, it emerged today. Fatou Cham, 32, who is from Gambia, West Africa, came to the UK in 1998 on a student visa but stayed after it expired in 2001 ... Immigration officers questioned Miss Cham at her home in East Ham, east London, on Monday.

Next to a picture of Miss Cham modelling a blue dress and heels were the words: 'Designed by F&F. Priced by Tesco. Modelled by Fatou, checkout number 6, Tesco, east London.'

The very thought of those red rimmed glasses wearing corporate marketing twats & PR numpties collectively suffering from dilating sphincters certainly brought a little ray of sunlight to my Monday morning

Get the gallows ready (again)

At least five people suffering from E-coli are taking legal action against the source of the outbreak and could claim hundreds of thousands of pounds in compensation, lawyers said ... It is believed many more will come forward to seek compensation from Godstone Farm in Surrey after the number of people found to have the infection rose to 64 ... They are being represented by the law firm Russell Jones & Walker, while others are being represented by the firm Field Fisher Waterhouse.

They are pursuing claims for negligence, arguing that the farm should have taken steps to protect them. A spokeswoman for Russell Jones & Walker said "dozens" more sufferers were expected to make claims.

It is unfortunate that people have become ill have visiting this farm but has anyone who has ever had anything to do with stock will tell you, animals carry diseases which you can contract. This isn’t an episode of the BBC’s pathetically urbanite Countryfile – this is the real world. Of course that wont for one moment stop scum sucking legal spawn from trying to make a fast buck. So this morning I shall be digging some more shallow graves in the top paddock. It looks as they will be needed quite soon

Less ‘tolerance’ & more rope required

I read this sort of thing with increasing frequency & dismay

It seems a pity that you have to die to get attention, but it does sometimes feel as if only coroners ask the right questions. We had it in Oxfordshire over avoidable military deaths; now we have the forthright remarks of the Loughbourough coroner Olivia Davison. She presides at the inquest into the death of Fiona Pilkington, apparently driven to suicide by fire with her disabled daughter and pet rabbit alongside her. We are forced to contemplate the stark possibility that Britain is no longer competent to defend the weak from persecution. Even by children.

The arrogant brats who broke her windows, mocked her daughter, beat up her son, screamed abuse and invaded her garden, told her that they could do what they wanted and “there was nothing she could do about it”.

As misplaced post 1960s liberalism continues to extract a terrible toll on society, the case for stringing up feral yoofs from lampposts is overwhelming. That is all I have to say on this topic today.

Run 'em down

Motorists should be made legally responsible for all accidents involving cyclists, even if they are not at fault, say Government advisers. Cycling England, an agency funded by the Transport Department, wants the civil law to be changed so drivers or their insurers would automatically be liable for compensation claims. The proposal will infuriate drivers, many of whom are angered by the antics of 'Lycra louts' - cyclists who sail through red lights, go the wrong way up one-way streets and intimidate pedestrians on pavements and zebra crossings.

Of course legal liability is somewhat of an irrelevance if I have just driven 2.5 tons of Disco Dave of the head of some twat on a bicycle that jumped a red light. Run ‘em all down & be done with it

Mobile phone masts & myxomatosis

It is becoming quite autumnal round at Free Market Towers – the hedgerows are heavy with fruit, the evenings are starting to get a bit Pearl Harbour & the mornings cloak the Vale in a light mist. The corpse of the man from the local planning authority (see posts passim) has been stripped to the bone by the few remaining crows that Boy hasn’t shot & with baited breath we await the first frost because that heralds the start to the eviction season in our village where anyone with a sat-a-lout dish affixed to their house is given five minutes to leave or get a flaming torch tossed onto the thatch. In this day & age there is simply no excuse for spending evenings watching Animals Do The Funniest Things (in high definition) when you should be reading this month’s edition of The Field. It’s the sort of behaviour that we have zero tolerance for.

Mrs FM hasn’t been out cubbing with the local hunt (very much) because our traditional country sports are unacceptable to the likes of the Ponce of Darkness, the unelected Peter Mandelson. Of course, given that your humble correspondent now seems to be banned from certain servers for racist & hate content I shall refrain from hurling abuse in that direction under the threat of being on the receiving end of the six o’clock knock from the Comrade Brown’s thought police. In any case, my time is much better spent on more pressing matters than slagging off Mandy – FM Telecom has recently secured the contract to erect mobile phone masts in the playgrounds of our local education authority’s primary schools. If you recall those Ready Brek Kids from the TV advertisements...

...well by Christmas the reception class of St Scrotums will be looking just like that but without having to have to go to the trouble of actually eating a bowl of Ready Brek. Face it, all of those eleven toed children from uncomfortably close knit families didn’t really have much of a future ahead of them in any case, save for collecting their dole cheques in between spending their days chewing gum behind Scumbag Eleven & drinking cans of Monster XXXXXX Get Pissed Fast Donner Und Blitzen Lager ... & nicking cars. For course what a lot of people don’t realise is that FM Telecom’s products have been fully tested & are now fully endorsed by the increasing fascist Department of Health & Efficiency – after extensive trials, the emissions from our Turbo 2000 Tetra Masts are proven to cut teenage pregnancies by 100%. & that’s the sad thing, the feral yoofs that seem to infest our towns & cities breed like rabbits; unlike rabbits we are precluded from culling them & to date they are immune to myxomatosis

Verboten

Smokers could be banned from lighting up outside in some areas of New York. The city banned smoking in public buildings six years ago. It was so successful that Britain and many other European countries followed suit. Officials in New York now hope to extend the ban to the city's 1,700 parks and seven beaches. Health Commissioner Dr Thomas Farley said the proposal was part of a dossier aimed at improving New Yorkers' health over the next three years. The plans also include ways of cutting obesity and drug and alcohol abuse

Ummmmmmmmm, New York is beginning to sound an awful lot like Blighty. Needless to say, I am really looking forward to my trip there in about a months time

Kiddie fiddlers & crucifixes

Yes folks, its paed-o- armageddon here in dear Blighty. The increasingly intrusive Brown regime now want you to prove that you aren’t a Ian Huntley wannabe before you are allowed to drop a couple of nippers off at the cricket club – the strange thing is (or maybe it isn’t strange), there is absolutely no public scrutiny of potential MPs. There are selected by self selecting party machines before being shoehorned into safe seats & for there, into a Westminster unlimited expenses account.

Nanny, never one to miss the chance to stick its nose even further into our lives as if that were possible, now wants to all of us to prove that the overwhelming majority of the population don’t interfere with children. This will require the further expansion of a government department i.e. more jobs for loyal Labour voting civil servants in wait for it ... a key marginal constituency. So no surprises there then! At this rate will have to buy another field because I’m fast running out of space to bury the corpses of all of the sponsors of the increasingly irrational government ‘initiatives’.

In fact I have got into a spot of bother on that score last week...

It transpires that you require prior permission to erect a crucifix over 9 feet high under some nonsensical & indecipherable planning regulation – at least I think that’s what the Hitler like Enforcement Officer was trying to lecture me about right up until the moment your humble correspondent affixed him to the ‘illegal structure in question’. 72 hours on, I now have another corpse to dispose of & my problems compound before they compost.

But while we are on the subject of crucifixes (burning or otherwise), thank you to all of you that have taken the time to write to me to say that this site is now being blocked on various servers because of its racist & hateful content -apologies for any difficulties that you may be enduring. No matter what I might think of my fellow man, one thing I am not is a racist. Regular readers will know that I have no truck with discrimination & dislike just about everyone equally. As for burning crosses etc, why would I ever want to waste good timber when I could be nailing representatives of our local planning authority to it?

England my England

Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.

The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected, staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.

We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud !

Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know - WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!

Confirmed: global warming zealots hate people

I’ve always suspected this. There can be only one logical conclusion to the anthropogenic global warming campaign: eliminate human beings. Or, at least, reduce to a minimum their number on the planet.

Have you had the sneaking suspicion that climate change activists were seeking to suppress every possible life-enhancing human activity from a long hot bath to a long-haul flight to an exotic destination? Have you ever had the sense that they would actually prefer it if you just ceased to occupy space on the earth, using up - as you do - its precious resources to facilitate your own pestilential selfish existence? That, if they could, they would at least manage to deter you from reproducing? Well, here it is: this report from the LSE says it all.

Janet Daly

Booze Part 2: Dr Nanny strikes again

A total ban on alcohol advertising must be introduced by the Government to halt an epidemic of problem drinking, doctors’ leaders said today. A report from the British Medical Association has called for a sea change in the approach to alcohol regulation to halt promotions including happy hours and sponsorship of music and sports events. The move is necessary to stem the invidious ways it is promoted, particularly to young people, it said.

At just this moment, I am minded to recall one of Sir Henry Rawlinson’s comments on his alcohol consumption

If I had all the money I had spent on booze ... I’d spend it on booze

& whilst I have devoted quite a few years of my life to the pursuit of booze in its many varied & wonderful forms, I very much doubt that the decision to consume a single unit of alcohol has ever been influenced by an advertisement.

Despite the vast sums that we drinkers contribute to the Exchequer on a daily basis our Government takes every opportunity to persecute & discriminate against us. If the truth be known, there are think tanks & pressure groups in the Westminster Village campaigning for alcohol to be banned in pubs.

If this blatant victimisation isn't enough, Health Secretary Toerag would like to turn the entire nation into police informants by sticking notices everywhere warning that having just a swift half is socially irresponsible, completely verboten & urging people to ring a hotline number if someone is seen enjoying the contents of his or her hip flask at the local point-to-point. Crack teams of Einsatzgruppen from Ministry of Temperance will then descend upon the hapless drinker, seize their children & condemn said drinker to a length period of penal servitude in some dry gulag.

What next? Grassing up the diner on the next table for failing to eat his greens? Calling a Nicotine Unit Enforcement Officer when someone sparks up a smoko as they walk to the bus stop in the morning? Compulsory monthly weigh-ins in market squares where the general populace can gather to ridicule any lard-arses who haven't lost the government-approved amount of weight?

However if the intention is try & curtail the supply, to the hoi polloi, of vast quantities of alcohol, thus endangering their health & leading to outbreaks of rowdiness & violence, why not try this. The next time chavvie yoofs go rampaging through the streets after overdoing it on the Monster Get Pissed Fast Donner und Blitzen lager, just lock them up. For a long time.

When Chantelle Storm collapses in the street outside the nightclub in a sea of manmade fibres, vomit & cellulite after a night of binge drinking – simply leave her there. Let her take responsibility for her own actions. In the winter months there is even a fair chance that she might die of exposure while unconscious – a sure fire way to reduce the teenage pregnancy rate. See, once again this site brings the long suffering taxpayer simple cost effective solutions & at no charge I will add

It’s the dreaded round ball game again

I don’t suppose that it’s a function of the increasing quantities of weapons grade alcohol that I need just to get through the day, but am I right in thinking that the soccer season starts earlier & earlier each year. It might only be getting towards the end of August, but already it’s been running for a couple of weeks & with the inevitably of another eruption of recurring genital warts, we get this...

A football fan was stabbed in the chest during vicious clashes between hundreds of rival fans at a match between Millwall and West Ham. The violence was said to have been started outside West Ham's ground in East London by hooligans without tickets to the Carling Cup game who had planned to start trouble. But it spilled over inside and the match had to be suspended as police and stewards struggled to control crowds surging on to the pitch.

There were fears of further violence after the game ended 3-1 to West Ham, but police managed to stem the trouble by keeping Millwall fans in the stadium while the West Ham crowds dispersed. Witnesses saw rival fans face off before the game and hurl bottles and bricks at each other and at police attempting to break them up.

Over the years, I have been to many many rugby & cricket matches - funnily enough, I have never seen anything more dangerous than a short pitched ball, or in rugby's case, a few punches thrown on the pitch. Yet we continue to tolerate such violence when comes to what is laughably known as our national game. On the other hand however, what about playing a rematch between Millwall & West Ham in the Palace of Westminster ... when Parliament is sitting. It would be a sure fire way of at the very least, raising both BBC Parliament’s ratings & the damned building to the ground at the same time

Scousers & grain trailers

As I alluded to yesterday, your humble correspondent has been upsetting quite a few people recently & that excludes the current Mrs FM who at the best of times finds me irritating & most of the time, much much worse.

However a swift review of my inbox seems to indicate that over the last six weeks I have been reported to our local Social Services Department, some Islamic Court in Saudi Arabia that apparently now has jurisdiction over once Great Britain, the Racial Equality Commission, that perma-tanned paddy that presents The One Show with Adrian ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’ Chiles & our local Environmental Health Officer who is kicking up a stink about the stink emanating from that freshly dug trench in the top paddock. I have been at considerably pains to point out that my new errrrrrrr land drain & the sudden disappearance of the irritating crusty that sells copies of the Big Issue outside the Co-op are completely coincidental & unrelated ... as is the lack of recent badger sightings in about a five mile radius. Whilst the Vale has seen a sudden drop in the number of incidents of bovine tuberculosis, this is regarded by most of our local vets as catastrophic to their Tuscan villa purchase plans.

Then there is the small matter of the scousers that I alluded to yesterday. Aside from the penchant to manmade fibres & getting utterly traumatised by Stupid 1 & Stupid 2 (see posts passim) going to say hello – yet another threat of litigation is currently awaited from where there’s blame, there’s a claim, sue’em & see, no win no fee pondlife solicitors. This would of course be as bigger error than that nice Mr Hitler asking if anyone fancied a trip to Moscow, but not as big an error as the nylon clad ones actually made of Sunday.

When you are a long way from home & in the middle of nowhere, prudence normally dictates that you don’t start gobbing off at the locals because it generally doesn’t end terribly well. In all fairness quite how they managed to get their car quite so far up a byway is testament to both their obvious skill behind the wheel & 12 pack of Donner und Blitzen Monster Get P*ssed Fast Lager.

Now when I say car, normally I mean a car. In this instance I mean no tax, no MOT, lowered suspension & those chavvie exhaust pipes that scrape along the road...probably because the rear axle is overloaded by the sheer number & weight of speakers that now fill the space that was once occupied by the parcel shelf & a profusion of cuddly toys – sorry officer, I didn’t see your lights because my rear view is completely obscured by a three foot teddy bear, resplendent in this seasons Liverpool Football Club strip.

Anyway, getting that probably nicked car up the byway was one thing, getting it out again when someone has dropped a grain trailer, one of the larger ones, across the entrance was quite another

Trespassers 2: Of bank managers, striking postal workers & scousers

This morning you find your humble correspondent en route to see the bank manager who will almost certainly whinge like some lentil munching environmental activist about the quantum of my recent expenditure & whether ordering a dozen cases of half decent Château Pétrus represents reasonable household expenditure when my overdraft dwarfs UK Plc’s burgeoning public sector borrowing requirement. The irony of the situation will not be lost upon me given that said latter day Mr Mainwaring’s employers have recently had to be bailed out by the taxpayer to the tune of a few “bil”. Perhaps I should ask for a similar bung from the Treasury? No doubt he will also whine on about the amount I have also spent on a complete new suite of mantraps but with the onset of early autumn, the blackberry pickers will soon be trespassing everywhere

At least the recent spate of postal workers strikes that seemed to coincide with decent weather has ensured that very few bills have come in over the last few weeks. It never ceases to amaze me that trades union activists seem to be able to predict decent weather (i.e. the days on which to strike) with remarkable accuracy, a feat that eludes those idiots at the Met Office to this day. So in the absence of final demands from the HM Customs & Excise as well as threatening letters from the Inland Revenue I have had the opportunity to correspondent with all of those who have made death threats (yes really) - predominantly the ‘animal rights’ rabble – all of whom deserve the same treatment of anyone that has ever appeared on Big Brother ... battered to death on my new primetime summer spectacular, Mr Free Market goes Clubbing: Think of it as Ibiza nightlife, but reinterpreted in the Inuit vernacular

But as with so much in life, there is an upside in everything & at least Royal Mail strikes mean that I haven’t had any letters addressed to The Householder. Seriously, if the vendor cannot be bothered to even buy a half up to date mailing list, I am probably unlikely to buy one of your company’s executive easi-poo commodes. My top tip this morning for when you receive one of those letters addressed to The Homemaker – mark it not known at this address & pop it back on the post box. If nothing else it should confuse them all to billy-o down at the sorting office ... at least it would confuse them if they weren’t already all out on strike protesting against job cuts from their sun loungers. Nangers, every man jack of them!

But to return to the blackberry pickers for just a moment; I had a slight altercation with some on Sunday. It was a beautiful afternoon & so in an uncharacteristic bout of post pub enthusiasm, I took the Labradors of Libertarianism (aka Stupid 1 & Stupid 2) for a slightly unsteady stagger across the fields only to be confronted by two apparitions in manmade fibres, who suggested, in the sort of tone normally reserved for use by Liverpudlian shop assistants, that my dogs should only be walked on their leads. In turn, I then indicated that they were clearly a long way from their primary residence & out in the heart of the Vale, especially with the noise of the harvest drowning out most things at the moment, no one can hear you scream. At least yesterday, Mrs FM had the time to set the new mantraps & so such altercations, shouldn’t happen again

Black & Hideously White

First up, we have some more names for my blacklist...oooophs, I shouldn't use that word as a perjorative because:

Phrases such as "gentlemen's agreement", "black mark" and "whiter than white" have been banned by dozens of quangos over fears they may cause offence. Documents released under freedom of information rules show that the Northern Ireland Human Rights Commission advised staff to replace the phrase “black day” with “miserable day”. Its explanation was that the term carries a “hierarchical valuation of skin colour”.

“For example, in the context of being above suspicion, the phrase ‘whiter than white’ is often used. Purer than pure or cleaner than clean are alternatives which do not infer that anything other than white should be regarded with suspicion.”

Aside from this utter nonsense, the hideously white BBC is also having a few inclusiveness issues...

The BBC's Asian Network is at the centre of a race row after Sikhs accused the digital radio station of being insensitive towards their religion. The BBC were forced to remove a show from their website after Adil Ray, a popular Muslim presenter, received threats from Sikh listeners who accused him of denigrating one of their religious symbols.

The row centres around a show broadcast earlier this month in which Ray discussed a Punjabi music concert in Canada where police had banned a number of Sikhs who refused to remove their "kirpan" dagger.

Dear readers, I don't care about Asians, Sikhs or their kirpans. What I would like to know is why, when according to the CIA World Factbook 92.1% of Her Majesty's subjects are white, the taxpayer needs to waste its money on the Asian Network load of complete boll*cks

Stoners

Aside from increasingly using extra-judicial & increasingly arbitrary powers to snoop on us, it would appear that the police also been gifted a crime fighting sixth sense by some celestial higher authority (probably that piece of pondlife Peter Mandelson who it would appear is now running the country from his sun lounger in Cor-FU)...

An advertising campaign warning of the risks of driving after taking drugs is being launched in England and Wales. A TV ad will warn motorists that police can spot signs someone is under the influence of drugs if they are stopped

Is this the policing equivalent of Mummy knows if you’re telling fibs because you have black specks in your eyes? Not that I know a huge amount about these sorts of things but I’d have thought that it is a reasonably simple task to detect if a driver is less Casey Stoner & more well sort of stoned – just the usual tell tale signs, Bob Marley on the stereo, lots of jumbo Rizla packets on the dash & the rear seat covered in Dominos boxes

More on offensive badges

If you recall yesterdays post, the best comment I have seen on this particular topic was on ARRSE

Amazing isn't it, our flag is offensive but not our passports or generous welfare system

So because our flag is now "offensive", I think in the morning we will have a British Day

"Call for 'smarter' drugs policy"

Drugs policing should switch focus to tackling the related violence rather than simply making seizures and arrests, a think tank report has said. Raids can cause unforeseen problems, like turf wars, and a "smarter" policy is needed to protect communities, the UK Drug Policy Commission says

I couldn’t agree more – in fact I’ll go as far as to say that the supply of narcotics is a missed educational opportunity – how else are we going to teach today’s slack jawed, gum chewing yoofs about fractions

Offensive badges

Armed cops patrolling Heathrow Airport have won their fight to wear Union Jack badges on their uniforms supporting British troops. Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson today gave officers the go-head to wear the tiny emblems on body armour.

But around 70 armed cops from the CO18 Aviation Branch refused to remove the £1 badges — proceeds of which go to the Help the Heroes fund and British Legion.

Whist I have never seen it, both I suspect that the Met Police’s uniform policy says ‘no badges’ because it is called uniform & that is what it is supposed to be. However it’s a rule that isn’t enforced uniformly (& sorry about that pun). Every time there is the next Gay Pride march, there is a dust up about Peelers wearing pink ribbons. It would appear that VSOs don’t seem to have a problem with that one but they do when officers want to show their support for our Armed Forces. An interesting set of values, eh dear readers?

However, what I find completely unforgivable is that an Immigration Officer complained about cops wearing the Union flag on their kit.

Given that Family FM live in a more sensible part of country, we still have village stocks. At no cost to taxpayer, we will make them available so that said numpty can be incarcerated for free, plus I’ll supply rotting fruit & veg. What a twat. It’s no wonder that we are over run with illegal immigrants if this is the sort of person that the Immigration Service (gang of twats) employ

Whole Foods, eat your heart out

Expensive organic food is no better for you than conventionally-grown farm produce, according to the Government's food watchdog. In the most comprehensive study ever to be carried out into the nutritional content of organic food compared to ordinary fare, scientists found no significant difference in vitamins and minerals. A separate study found there are no extra health benefits to eating organic food rather than meat, fruits or vegetables grown on intensive farms.

Farmer Free Market, Old Sprayer to his friends, has known this for years which is the National Farmers Union has voted him Mr Intensive for six years running.

Expect to see lots of 'scientific reports' published over the coming months that contradict these findings – the one thing that the green brigade hates more than anything else is research that doesn’t support their view of life. In the meantime the Guardianistas can continue to be parted from their money & that’s a good thing

Does this mean that we should cull poor people?

In fact, why not? After all, they do tend to have unpleasant table manners & interesting skin conditions brought on by the combination of an atrocious diet & too much sata-lout TV

Now let’s get back to the real world just for a moment...

A teaching union is to campaign against the new code of conduct for teachers, which it says intrudes on their private lives. The code, which will come into force in October, states that teachers must “demonstrate honesty and integrity and uphold public trust and confidence in the teaching profession”.

Teachers are also expected to “maintain reasonable standards in their own behavior” or face disciplinary procedures, according to the General Teaching Council, the profession’s watchdog, which drew up the code. The actions of teachers while off duty will now be under the spotlight — a move that the NASUWT, a teaching union, said set “unreasonable expectations of how people should conduct themselves”.

The teaching profession is ever vocal in its demands to be treated like other professions, especially when it comes to pay & yet they with fight tooth & nail when it comes to the responsibilities that come with the status that they crave.

Like it or not, if you are a member of what used to be known as the professional class, you are deemed to be a person of standing within the community. Therefore you need to conduct yourself as such. The real indictment of the teachers is that it is necessary for this to be written down, however these days as half of them don’t seem to be able to read, I don’t for one minute suppose that it will make one iota of difference.

Cambridge Police Profiling Still A Grim Reality for Harvard Faculty A**holes

This morning's guest opinion by Professor John Evans Evans-John, Harvard School of Harvard Faculty A**hole Studies, Harvard University, who is here at reader Walters invitation

When I first learned of the arrest of my colleague Professor Henry Louis "Skip" Gates after he stood up to the fascist jackboots of a declasse, ill-educated Cambridge police officer, I was of course angered -- but scarcely shocked. L'Affaire Gates simply aired, in public, the dirty
100-thread-count table linen of an American culture where Harvard faculty a**holes still face a daily struggle against profiling, abuse, and insolence.

Our table exchanged knowing glances, for we knew immediately that Skip was only the latest victim of a system that singles out the Harvard faculty a**hole for stigmatization and unequal justice. It is a system that all of us knew too well, and provided an opportunity for an open
conversation about our shared experiences as Harvard faculty assholes in America while waiting for Sergio to bring the dessert cart

The remainder is over at Iowahawk & also reposted under the fold

One after one came the cascade of stark stories: the rolled eyes of our department secretaries. The Spanish language mockery of our office janitors. The foul gestures of drunken strap-hanging Red Sox lumpenproles aboard the MBTA. The frequent police stops on the highway
to Cape Ann and Martha's Vineyard for "Volvoing While A**hole." And then there are the insulting media stereotypes, where we are routinely caricatured as pompous, effete, self-important, irrelevant elitists. All, I might add, by a motley collection of lowbrow inferiors, few of
whom have ever published in a peer-reviewed journal. Let alone edit one.

No, we must not be silent. That is why I have used a portion of my class action windfall against the Cambridge Police department to produce a shocking new documentary film, "A**hole Like Me," detailing the courageous plight of the tenured Sphincter-American community. It
premiers this Friday at the Science Center. Get your tickets now -- with free beer on tap, demand will be high!

Five to One

At the moment, the facts surrounding this story are still emerging & I suspect we would know what really happened until such time at it sadly goes to trial – but it starts to pick up upon the gun control question that was raised week

A man who was arrested on suspicon of attempted murder after he went to his stepson’s aid in a clash with a group of alleged vandals has spoken for the first time since his arrest. Colin Philpott, 58, a company director, was asleep on Friday night when he was awoken by noise coming from the front garden of his detached Tudor-style home in Crowthorne, Berkshire, where he lives with wife Susanne.

“He went outside to talk to them and asked them to stop and he was attacked. I was alerted by the noise and when I appeared on the scene I was set upon as well, and as a result of that, one of the youths received some stab injuries, which he had to get medical treatment for.

It appears that Colin Philpott – a decent law abiding subject - awoke to hear commotion outside cause by a gang of youths setting about his step son who was in turn trying to stop the yoofs damaging his step fathers car. It seems that in the ensuing fracas, Mr Philpott stabbed one of the yoofs with a letter opener & is now facing a charge of attempted murder.

This one of those situations where I very quietly thank my lucky stars that this wasn’t me – if in the middle of the night I awoke to hear Boy outside, possibly fighting for his life against a gang of five thugs, I would currently be facing five murder charges without any shadow of doubt because if anyone wants to set upon Family Free Market they would be well advised to ensure that they are significantly better armed than your humble correspondent

More on this story here

150 days to Christmas

Video game fans can expect to pay more for their favourite games after a major publisher announced a significant price-rise for the most eagerly awaited title of the year. In a move that is being hotly debated within the games industry, Activision, the company behind Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 let it be known that the much-anticipated game will cost £55 — a rise of £10 on the usual price.

Too expensive? Then simply don't buy it. Problem solved, next please....

Criminal damage

A uniformed police officer has been caught on film using a pair of bolt cutters to try to remove a wheel clamp from an unmarked patrol car. The male officer sprung into action after clampers immobilised the vehicle - being used by a plainclothes female officer - and refused to remove the clamp.The WPC parked her car illegally near he Pheasant pub in Ashford, Kent, after being called out to investigate a 'minor crime'. But within minutes of parking her car, it was clamped by workers for Parking Control Services (PCS).

As moral dilemmas go, I think this is rather like the Franco-Prussian War of 1870...you want both teams to come second. Private car clamping is extortion by any other name but as this vehicle was “legally” clamped, the Police aren’t allowed to commit criminal damage just because it suits them. m’learned friends must be rubbing their money grasping claws in anticipation already.

Of course is everyone involved were to act like grownups, this could be sorted out very quickly. Might I suggest a bare breasted sledgehammer fight in the station car park – just like the original incident, perhaps the events could be posted on Youtube. Please remember dear readers that it is important that not only justice is done, but that it is seen to be being done

Another inconvenient truth

New York had its coolest June since 1985, according to government data, and it’s heading toward its second-coolest July in 140 years of record-keeping ... New York Central Park’s average June temperature was 67.5 degrees Fahrenheit (20 Celsius), down from 74.1 last year and 2.8 degrees below the 100-year average, according to National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration data. The U.S. Northeast average was 63.2 degrees, 1.4 degrees below average. Nationwide, the average temperature was 0.2 degree below average.

Spot the irony

I am afraid that we start our day by returning to that old chestnut ... the extent to which the government has taken it upon itself to spy on us

Despite the revelation that there are almost one million fewer CCTV cameras in the UK than previously thought, Britain still appears to have far more watchful eyes trained on its population than other countries

I am having slight difficulty focusing this evening having consumed more than a surfeit of 20 year old calvados in preparation for Family FM’s Illegal Immigrant French Road Kill Extravaganza but I can’t but help thinking that here we have the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation pointing out just however many taxpayer funded cameras the State has trained on us ... when the BBC is an organ of the Labour Party State that has lots & lots of taxpayer funded cameras! Forget the blacked out UN helicopters, the conspiracy is much much closer to home.

Notwithstanding the depressing statistics dear readers, this given me the opportunity to announce the deployment of my latest wunderwaffen which is a spinoff from the WMD research programme that Boy is running from behind the large grain store.

Troop trials have shown that not only is it extremely effective against CCTV cameras, it also works just as well when deployed against ANPR cameras, GATSO speed cameras & Japanese tourists wearing so much camera equipment round their necks that you can’t walk down Bath’s pavements at this time of year. Therefore this morning undercover (yet still smartly turned out in their mufti) Free Market Fusiliers will be deploying to forward positions in preparation for Operation Blackout

God, Guns, Guts, and American Pick-Up Trucks

A Missouri car dealer has taken a novel approach to combating the fall in US vehicle sales by offering a free Kalashnikov assault rifle with every truck, whether new or used.

Wonderful ... he'd get my custom which begs the question with Mr Land Rover can't offer something similar. OK we are banned from owning AKs (& mores the shame) but a nice boxlock would be fine

Bloodletting Friday Part 4: The Tony Martin Challenge

This is view of the top of the yard, out of my bedroom window, through yesterday evenings rain. Before anyone asks, the green box thingy is a 20 foot steel container where Boy runs his weapons programme the horse tack is stored. Tack has to be stored in alarmed secure buildings, rigged with trip wires motion sensitive floodlights because if you don’t store your kit like that, thieving pikies would half inch everything in a nanosecond.

Two Saturdays ago at about midnight, a quad bike came up the farm track turned round in front of the Dutch barn & sped off. Speaking to our local Peeler, he has advised me that it was probably a wrong’un on a reccy. So this morning’s I'd like to pose the following question ...

If it were you & tomorrow night at about midnight, the alarms & lights go off revealing two gypo’s trying to break into the tack room, what would you use to shoot them given that you have your Vickers MMG has been borrowed & is being put to good use outside the Palace of Westminster (see posts passim)

& just because I know that you like to know these things - the distance from the window to the far end of the Dutch barn in 32 yards.

Bloodletting Friday Part 3: Gitorrrrf moooooi laaaaaaand

Two Norwegian crop circle enthusiasts have told how armed police officers swooped on a farm at Allington near Devizes after they were confronted by an angry man with a gun. But the farmer whose land it was says the gunman was legitimately shooting pigeons

This story is interesting on a couple of counts – firstly, if a load of crusty old hippies come onto your land & trash your crops, it’s alright for a load of bl**dy Vikings think that that gives them the right to trespass on to your farm. I’m completely with farmer Roger Oram (who is one of our local errrrrrr characters) on this...

“Those people (the Norwegian ladies) should not have been out there because they were trespassing.” Mr Oram said he and his brother mow out crop circles when they arise and do not encourage crop circle visitors.

“I think crop circles are pure vandalism. I reckon each crop circle costs £1,000 in lost grain and damage caused. Not one of the crop circle people have come in to ask permission to walk into the field which annoys us. If we walked into their garden they would jump up and down,” he said.

If I were to find Vikings tramping over the lower paddock with a cry of remember Fulford, I'd open fire without the pretence of being out pigeon shooting - crop circles or not

& at last, some good news

Spotted on my way home this evening

Green energy ?

Millions of families will be hit with an extra £92 on their annual fuel bills to pay for a 'green energy revolution', ministers admitted yesterday. The levies will help pay for renewable energy to tackle climate change. But critics criticised the charges as 'stealth taxes', and warned that the true cost to households could be as high as £230 a year.

What can I say?

A Berlin brothel has come up with a novel way to offset the impact of the global economic crisis and target a new group of customers at the same time - offering a discount to patrons who arrive on bicycles. ... Customers who arrive on bicycle or who can prove they took public transportation get a 5-euro ($7) discount from the usual 70-euro ($100) fee for 45 minute sessions, Mr Goetz said. He said the environmentally friendly offer was working a charm

But how can this be environmentally friendly, it doesn't seem to be lowering emissions?

Men in bowler hats

At least seven police officers were injured during violence linked to Northern Ireland's marching season which saw petrol bombs thrown and at least one shot fired at police

Yes yes yes, its that time of year again when po-faced Ulstermen dust off their bowler hats, break out the drums & go a'marchin

However, here's a lil sumit that I dont suppose you knew....

The Orange Order was due to parade through a Catholic area and the only police comment was to wrap up warm.
Welcome to Rossnowlagh, County Donegal, the Orange Order's annual celebration of its culture in the Republic of Ireland. Every summer, all heads turn towards Drumcree where Northern Ireland's loyal institutions and nationalists continue their stand-off over the route of the parade. But there are hundreds of parades without riot-gear clad security forces or any hint of community tensions. The Orange Order's annual Rossnowlagh parade, next to one of the most beautiful beaches in Ireland, is one such occasion.

Yep thats right, in the Irish Republic, the Orange Order marches seem to pass off without .... errrrrrrr the need for camera crews. Funny that!

However I am not so such that I agree with Mervyn Wylie, one of the officers of the No. 3 Destiny Lodge of East Donegal who thinks "its a great family day out" - whatever.

However, in the interests on inclusiveness that has long been the hallmark of this site .... cue bowler hats, drums & pipes; altogether now....

Sure l'm an Ulster Orangeman, from Erin's isle I came,
To see my British brethren all of honour and of fame,
And to tell them of my forefathers who fought in days of yore,
That I might have the right to wear, the sash my father wore!

CHO: It is old but it is beautiful, and its colors they are fine
It was worn at Derry, Aughrim, Enniskillen and the Boyne.
My father wore it as a youth in bygone days of yore
And on the Twelfth I love to wear the sash my father wore

For those brave men who crossed the Boyne have not fought or died in vain
Our Unity, Religion, Laws, and Freedom to maintain,
If the call should come we'll follow the drum, and cross that river once more
That tomorrow's Ulsterman may wear the sash my father wore!

And when some day, across the sea to Antrim's shore you come,
We'll welcome you in royal style, to the sound of flute and drum
And Ulster's hills shall echo still, from Rathlin to Dromore
As we sing again the loyal strain of the sash my father wore!

For more men in bowler hats click here

Same same but different

Regular readers might recall that our sponging little scrubber for June was Fata Lemes

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

Now Ms Lemes attempt to exhort a few grand by making farcical & unsubstantiated claims against her employers is a mere rounding error when compared with the absurd quasi-judicial blackmail being attempted by Romanian Mihaela Popa...

An accountant who claims she was made to feel “like a prostitute” by her bosses is suing a City firm for £40 million in a record race discrimination claim. Romanian Mihaela Popa says she suffered a string of racist and sexual jibes while being bullied at accountancy giant PricewaterhouseCoopers. Miss Popa, 31, says that a colleague told her “Eastern Europeans are whores” and referred to her as “Mihaela and porn”. She says she was accused of only being in London to “live it up” and quizzed about returning to Romania, given menial tasks to perform and ignored for promotion

& the best of it, the way that this Doris does her maths which is surely a credit to bean counters everywhere....

Miss Popa, of Hampstead, earned £41,000 a year as a forensic accountant. She claims that the discrimination prevented her becoming a PwC partner earning at least £500,000 a year plus bonuses

... & so she is now claiming 40 bars – phuque me sideways, off those sorts of multiples, she is welcome to do my tax return any time. With maths that good, I have no doubt that the One Eyed Scottish Git will be ponying up more than 604 quid.

Time to break out that noose (yet again)

Turning up the heat on environmental scare mongers

The wider significance of this episode is that it is the first time a Western government has allowed itself to be drawn into debating the science behind the global warming scare with expert scientists representing the "counter consensus" – and the "consensus" lost hands down.

A public health service which the world is envious

NHS guidance is advising school pupils that they have a "right" to an enjoyable sex life and that regular sex can be good for their cardiovascular health.

Maybe I'll just bang one out before my eight thirty departmental meeting purely in the interests of cardiovascular health

Swine flu (again), stupid news reports & even worse weather

Has anyone else noticed this about the recent swine flu reports that have been appearing...

Three more people in Britain have died after contracting swine flu, taking the number of fatal cases to seven. Abdullah Patel, 42, believed to be a teacher, and Asmaa Hussain, 9, both from Dewsbury in West Yorkshire, and an unnamed nine-year-old from London, all had “serious underlying health problems” before contracting the H1N1 virus, health officials said

...they all are at great pains to point out that as the corpses start to pile up – oh my oh my, the doom mongers might have been right all along – the MSM seems to be stressing that all of the stiffs had serious underlying health problems. Why? Do the government think that if reports start to emerge that this strain of flu is starting to kill otherwise healthy individuals the country will grind to a halt, people will start to hoard tinned food & civil unrest will erupt in Blighty’s otherwise well ordered curtain twitching leafy suburbs?

Rest assured dear readers, your humble correspondent remains utterly sanguine in the face of this nonsense is only because he recognises that this strain of flu is just like every other strain of flu – it kills the old & the weak. Indeed, maintaining my unusually chipper disposition, I once again look for the upside & upon not so sober reflection have cause to ponder that a fair to middling pandemic might well be a blessing in disguise

Firstly, the flu should wipe out just about everyone that is currently receiving treatment in hospital, so no more bed blockers & the wholesale decimation of the waiting lists should mean that at last government targets will be met. Combine both of these & we might be able to see the sort of spending cuts that we are going to need in the National Health Service spending if UK PLC is every going to get close to a balanced budget

Next up comes the Third World & by the Third World, I don’t mean Peckham for a change. Quite correctly the multi-national pharmaceutical companies are more concerned with their shareholder dividend policy than giving away Tamiflu to sub-Saharan African nations whose populations will be dead long before they are finally decimated by HIV Aids. This will enable us to slash the amount of money we currently spunk away on overseas aid. Another win for the taxpayer.

But to get back to these health warnings about the health news, it’s exactly the damn same when you watch the evening news. Just before they cut to a clip about the latest lot of indigenous tribesmen that have when busy massacring the indigenous tribesmen from the next village, the long faced news reader will announce that viewers might find some of the scenes that follow distressing. Of course the scenes are distressing – even in my rather warped wibbly wobbly whiskey world, kids getting acquainted with the pointy end of a machete is distinctly unpleasant – I don’t need to be pre-warned so that I can work myself into a frothing lather of self righteous indignation. I can figure it out all by myself

However this predilection to issue ‘warnings’ because we might not be able to cope with what is happening in the news doesn’t finish there – have you noticed that we don’t get rain anyone. So sorry to disappoint readers on the left hand side of the pond who might continue to labour under the misapprehension that it is always raining in dear old Blighty: it doesn’t & Al, it’s not because of global frigging warming - it’s because every time the Met Office radar detects a slightly off white cloud, they issue a sodding Severe Weather Warning.

You utter utter nangers ... until such time as Captain Noah tacks past my office window (which incidentally is on the 9th floor), I strongly suspect that my trusty old Swaine Adeney brolly will suffice.
Below is the Met Office’s weather warning map for Tuesday

The area coloured orange was covered by one of the aforementioned Severe Weather Warnings & the severe weather in question ... your common or garden summer thunderstorms. Just like the ones you remember from your childhood. No more, no less.

Clarkie-poos hit it on the head on Sunday evening when without recourse to the sort of lower deck language that I would use in such circumstances, he pointed out that what is these days what is referred to in concerned tones as a Level 2 Heat Warning used to be called a beautiful summers day.

Strange at it may seem, not only can I read The Sun without my lips moving & I still just about have the mental capacity to work out if I will require an overcoat in the morning or what I want to watch or not

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Far right groups could be planning a terrorist "spectacular" to stoke up racial tensions amid the economic downturn, police fear. Scotland Yard's counter-terrorism command has stepped up the number of officers in special unit dedicated to monitoring right wing extremists because of the threat. Muslims, Jews and other minority groups have all been urged to be extra vigilant after an internal police report found that the danger has significantly increased since the onset of recession.

Surely the answer to this is to immediately try to appease our home grown crypto fascists in exactly the same way that HM Government et al have desperately sought to appease the burgeoning numbers of Muslim extremists that our government seems to be so keen to let live here.

Aren’t our neo-Nazis entitled to the same treatment? If the Mohammadens are allowed to have their Sherry Courts, not to allow latter day blackshirts to have touch lit rallies must be discriminatory, surely?

They can't give it away quickly enough

Gipsies and travellers have been paid £60 each of taxpayers' money to attend a conference telling them how to see a doctor and send their children to school. Dozens turned up at the day-long summit yesterday after they were offered the fee. It advised them how to find a GP, dentist and a school for their children while moving between illegal sites. Organisers of the Traveller and Gipsy Awareness Day handed out the money because they feared that few would attend without the financial incentive

& as good law abiding citizens, the recipients of this latest bout of taxpayer largess will be declaring the £60 on the tax returns that they all so assiduously file with HM Revenue & Customs each year

Monday morning roundup

The effects of Alzheimer's disease could be reversed by drinking just a few cups of coffee a day, new research suggests

All well & good but what about those of use that have clinical addictions to caffeine

Andy Murray likely to become Britain’s highest-earning sports star

No, he lost. He can now go back to being Scottish with our blessings. But while on the subject to Murray

Millions of Sun readers were upset when Andy Murray crashed out in the semi-finals of Wimbledon - and not just because he could have been the first British winner in decades. The gorgeous Katie Green had promised us a saucy tennis shoot if Andy had made the final.
Luckily for her legion of fans though, Katie has still come through on her promise of a Wimbledon final to remember

Huzzzzzah

The use of unmanned drones as weapons of war in conflicts around the world has been called into question by one of Britain's most senior judges. Lord Bingham, until last year the senior law lord, said that some weapons were so "cruel as to be beyond the pale of human tolerance".

Twat!

BBC staff ran up a massive £14million bill for taxis last year , more than £38,000 a day

Progammes waste like this can only be brought to you by the unique way in which the BBC is funded. & finally, we can always depend on the Daily Star to cover the really important stories

Katie Price is fuming after Peter Andre sneaked Chantelle Houghton into their daughter’s birthday bash. The singer fuelled rumours he is dating the Celebrity Big Brother beauty by inviting her to his home yesterday

Errrrrrr right

Muffin tops & misogyny

The last couple of days have seen the temperatures in London soar to over 30 degrees. This is good & bad. On the upside, the glorious sunshine has seen young ladies cast aside normally their normally dowdy clothing but inevitably comes at a price & that price is the incidence of the muffin tops being spotted on the streets of our nation’s capital

all of which causes me to recall Michael Buerk’s call for decorum of a couple of years ago when the veteran news presenter has ruffled a few feathers by having the temerity to suggest that society is becoming increasingly feminised which of course is these days a capital offence in our inclusive urbanite metrosexual touch feely society. Specifically Buerk didn't have much time for fat girls with bare midriffs aka the dreaded muffin top.

Now, I am as happy as the next normal bloke to leer drunkenly at the shapely female form but I simply cannot think what processes some women who would not look out of place on the flensing deck of a Japanese whaling vessel to expose themselves in such a way in public. There is a common decency aspect here. If I want to see lard, I will get half a pound out of the fridge - but chavette, Shania Storm, never learnt about decorum because she skipped school that day & was busy getting ripped on alcopops & glue in a multi storey car park behind the shopping centre.

However, it transpired that where Burek really incurred that wrath & venom of the femi-fascists was over his comments to relating to wimin in the workplace.

He's bonkers. He's a dear, old fashioned chauvinist of the first order,

tutted Anna Ford, one of the BBC's first women newsreaders. Yes dear & exactly what is the problem with that? Its not like he has been machine gunning disabled children in their wheelchairs, before stealing their pokemon cards, is it? But not to conform is now deemed to be anti-social.

Please don't get me wrong on this, I don't have any problem over women in the workplace, its just that they never ever miss an opportunity to tell you know that they are a professional person in a mans world...endlessly! If they are not carping on about that, then they are whining about glass ceilings or suing you for five million pounds because there isn't a mascara holder in the office loos.

But Buerk has got exactly to the heart of the matter, abet by default. By criticising the emasculation of our society, he graphically illustrated the vehemence with which any man that dares to speak out against feminist hegemony is publicly pilloried.

It is fine to make jokes about men being useless, but if you do not to prostrate yourself in the face of feminisation it is deemed to be a crime against humanity, carrying a mandatory sentence social ostracism.

I will admit that to an extent we men a culpable by virtue of allowing this to happen & continuing to put up with it. Personally, I rile against the whole touchy feely feminisation of our society. I don't have any moisturiser or other grooming products. Grooming is what you do to horses if you must have them. I have soap, shampoo, shaving soap & BO basher. My male accessories comprise power tools - large petrol driven ones. I don't have a problem with my secondary sexual characteristics & thus feel no need to wax anything other than applying some beeswax to some of my pairs of boots from time to time

Sadly, on the train as I type this, from where I am sitting I can see three girly men, reading reconstructed in touch with your feelings type magazines. I spurn you all as I would spurn a rabid dog.

Frank Corti & Lady Rosemary Griffin

I suspect that everyone of you has read the story of 72 year old ex-Royal Engineer Frank Corti who delt out a proper old fashioned bulldog thrashing to thieving pondlife...

A burglar who broke into a house and threatened a pensioner with a knife got more than he bargained for when the victim turned out to be a retired boxer who left him bruised and bleeding

The only bit missing from this little tale is a truly happy ending whereby our hero having beaten his assailant senseless (& taken his time doing so) then produces his old service Webley & proceeds to save the taxpayer an aweful lot of money

OK, so so far so good but I am afraid that you might want to move anything breakable out of reach before you continue over the fold & I tell you news concerning Lady Rosemary Griffin who is a life long friend of my outlaws, the Old Salthorse having served with her late husband but before we go there, I will set the scene for you.

Lady Griffin was married to Admiral Sir Anthony Griffin, a former Third Sea Lord

Born in 1920, Sir Anthony entered the Navy in 1934 through the traditional route of a Dartmouth cadetship. During the Second World War he was on board the SS Britannia, on his way to join the destroyer Hereward, when it was sunk by a German raider off Freetown.

In 1971 Sir Anthony was appointed Controller of the Navy and Third Sea Lord, a position he held for five years. At the age of 70 he was awarded a Royal Humane Society Award for Bravery after diving into the Thames in a vain effort to save a young Jamaican

Lady Griffin was married to Sir Anthony in 1943 while she was serving as a Leading Wren stationed at Devonport. Her brother had been lost at sea when HMS Barham was sunk in November 1941

Now if everything breakable is out of reach, you can go on...

Lady Rosemary Griffin had just opened her front door when she was violently pushed to the floor. She then had two rings ripped from her fingers by a robber. The 88-year-old's left leg was broken in two places in the fall and doctors at St Richards Hospital, Chichester, have had to insert two metal pins into her leg, but say she is recovering well

Thankfully she is of a generation that will make a fully recovery but although two scumbags have been arrested & charged, one is already out on bail after appearing at Chichester Magistrates' Court

& some people wonder why I keep half a dozen shotguns in Larry Land Rover - if it were down to your humble correspondent & mores the shame it isn't, I & five friends would be lined up with these two bindfolded & tied to posts ready for recieve a bit of no.9 shot justise. & why use no.9 shot ...? Because you wouldn't want to slaughter 'em with the first volley, you'd want to take it in turns at methodically shooting them to pieces

Que reste-t-il de la culture francaise?

In 2007, the French taxpayer spent 3 billion Euros on matters culturel or if you like, Eur. 208 for every French citizen in what amounts to a cultural welfare state. You would think that by now the world has enough pretentious film noir but the self elected elite of our nearest neighbour clearly don’t think so. That however is entirely their own business & if the French taxpayer wants to fund more satirical mimes that criticise government wastefulness, that is entirely their own business. In my most humble of opinions, a complete lack of transgender theatre workshops is a very positive step in the right direction but then again you really cannot expect a country that drives on an unnatural side of the road to remain objective about such matters when as a society it is busy reinterpreting cubism from the existential perspective

Now whilst were are touching upon perspective, it is interesting to note that French politicians don’t currently seem too consumed by issues like unemployment that might well break 10% - instead their pint sized premier, has been talking about a topic that might as well be verboten in the Islamic Republic of Great Britain

President Sarkozy threw his weight yesterday behind attempts to bar French Muslim women from covering their faces in public, calling their full-body dress a “debasement of women”. Mr Sarkozy made his attack on a small but growing number of fundamentalist women in a “state of the nation” speech...

“In our country we cannot accept that women be prisoners behind a screen, cut off from all social life, deprived of all identity,” Mr Sarkozy said to applause in the parliament’s ceremonial Versailles home. “The burka is not a religious sign. It is a sign of subservience, a sign of debasement,” he added. “It will not be welcome on the territory of the French Republic.”

Of course there are those who have decried Sarko saying that this is all a populist stunt & given that France’s Mohammadans are even more oversensitive than a Welshman with a grievance, this might indeed be a thinly veiled (please forgive the pun) attempt to pump prime the domestic auto industry. Normally, the sight of a mere croissant is such an offence against Islam that yoooofs are on the streets torching cars with gay abandon. Therefore slagging off black tents must surely ensure that Renault dealerships will be selling lots of replacement vehicles once the annual 11 month long rioting season ends

On this side of the channel predictably there has been & there won’t be any such debate because Islamo-appeasers deem the topic it to be too racist/offensive etc etc etc. In any case, I feel that government has absolutely no place in dictating what anyone can & cannot wear. Therefore in complete defiance of increasingly intrusive European governments, you humble correspondent will support freedom to dress as you damn well please & from now on sport his own non judgmental, gender neutral & post feminist reinterpretation of the burkha

The Peoples Prancer & Patron Saint of Dysmorphia?

I might well not be alone in not giving a stuff that Michael Jackson is brown bread - in fact driving to the station on Monday morning, his passing provided a moment of such unmitigated hilarity that probably could only be surpassed by stamping on Ed Balls head until he finally shuts up as a result of massive cranial trauma. It was a glorious summers morning & I am charging through the Vale trying to run over as many little fluffy bunnies as I race for my train – last week’s total was 3 Peter Rabbits & a pigeon – when on the radio comes some showbiz bloke at the BET Awards, banging on about how the late Mr Jackson had been a ‘black man’. Oh how your humble correspondent laughed at the irony as little Cottontail went squish under Disco Dave's wheels

Aside from Flopsey’s demise, the wacked out one is now in the process of ascending to full on martyr status & lo the flags on government buildings were lowered to half mast & the celebrity sob-a-thon starts once again.

The BBC has already flown Newsnight's Emily Maitlis & a vast taxpayer-funded retinue to the scene of the tragedy, and the ether is being churned with her heavyweight political and cultural apercus

Needless to say I have already asked my tailor to build me a rhinestone studded tribute suit & tonight I am off to the candle lit vigil - as Boris commented yesterday

And who can fault the BBC's news judgment? By the middle of this week, senior politicians will no doubt be chivvied in front of the camera to confirm that he was the prince of pop, or the people's prancer, and Gordon Brown will probably moonwalk into Prime Minister's questions.

& maybe Channel 4 will do one of those list shows...Michael Jackson’s Top 10 Cosmetic Surgical Procedures. Pah!

& to conclude our Silly Season season: Too many freaks, not enough circuses

Over the last few days we have covered some of the other side of life down in these yerrr parrrrrts: crop circles, Stonehenge & the summer solstice, the Glastonbury music festival & pubs frequented by the I-believe-in-UFOs-brigade. However I really wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I thoroughly enjoy that particular time of time when our little corner of Blighty is overrun with hippies, new agers, Guardian reading pagan worshippers & their entourage of soap dodging dole moles

Free Market Towers is roughly mid way between Stonehenge & Avebury; accordingly your humble correspondent has the opportunity to examine some of those that follow an alternative lifestyle, in person & at short range, if you get my drift! Anyway, for me, this years solstice was regrettably marred but my flame thrower inexplicably failing to function. The finger of suspicion must point to Mrs Free Market who I strongly suspect has been engaging in “debates” with hunt saboteur scumbag pondlife

It is not that I feel honouring Mother Earth is a load of utter codswallop that it is. But quite why they need to crawl all over a World Heritage Site is beyond me. Fine, if you want to smear yourself in wode, don a rabbit skin codpiece & dance around in the woods with daisies in your hair - that is entirely your own business. However their so-called beliefs require marshals & an increased police presence I start to draw the line. However, it never ceases to amaze me how many of them seem to do this for a living, with no visible means of financial support. It puts a slightly different slant on Glastonbury’s rock n roll

They weave their way across the shires in their hippy vans, no road tax, MOTs or vehicle insurance & the police do nothing. If any normal person drove a van in that condition you would be up in front of the beak quicker than you can say 3 month driving ban. But have you ever looked at any of these vehicles; festooned in Greenpeace slogans, all with smoke stacks belching more emissions that the most gas- guzzling of gas-guzzling SUVs. They invade private land & block byways with their encampments, but hey, property is like err theft man & like we have the right to roam over un-harvested crops.

At the other end of the spectrum are the Trustafarians, living on the front line in Notting Hill Gate - campaigning for every fashionable cause going, decked out in this seasons Stella McCartney Age of Aquarius collection topped off with a Hermes festival-titfer. rocking against globalisation in £150 sunglasses (that incidentally are made in Indonesia) because Daddy owns large blocks of stock in multi-national corporations

So while the hippies get into the vibe, your humble correspondent will get into his Landrover for some of the finest sport available to stout bulldogs during the summer months. What finer way to spend the long evenings than chasing some weekend white Rastafarians across the fields in your 4x4 even doped up to the eyeballs they are quicker than a greased weasel when properly incentivised by over a tonne of Landrover bearing down on them.

What japes dear readers, what japes

Are you really surprised?

The BBC has come under fire for sending 415 people to cover this weekend's Glastonbury festival. The number, which included many senior executives such as the deputy director general and the chairman of the BBC Trust, is just 22 fewer than corporation flew out to film last year's Beijing Olympics. The cost to the BBC of covering the event, excluding any fee paid to the organisers of Glastonbury, is estimated to be £1.5million.

Just remember dear readers, high quality programming like this can only be brought to you by the unique way the BBC is funded

Mud, money & festival free enterprise (Reprised)

I know that I continually get accused of living in the past but I can help but comparing the young men that appear in our In This Day entries with the slack jawed Playstation obsessed yoof of today, who also seem to wallow in the mud … but on the mud of the Somme. That has been replaced by the mud of Glastonbury, which takes place this weekend . This means by now just about every Vets surgery in South West England has been stripped of Ketamine

Lucky for the young'uns, these days the heavy metal isn’t red hot shrapnel fired by the Boche at our grandfathers when then were that age – it’s a sheeeeeeeek of equally long haired chavs with laces undone & tousers halfway down to their ankles, belting the merry hell out of some electric guitars with lumps of lead piping … & there was me thinking that white noise was what they subjected you to during resistance to interegation training. I am starting to feel my age

Now it isnt just your humble corrspondent who is somewhat bemused by the whole Glastonbury vibe. Clarkson-san, writing in The Times …

On Friday morning my wife got dressed up like Worzel Gummidge, put some bog roll in a bag and roared off in her Aston Martin to watch a bunch of useless teenagers singing in the rain at Glastonbury. I think she may have gone mad. And she’s not alone. Helicopter companies all over the southwest have reported a booming demand for charters. Everyone in the de luxe tenting business is now on a beach in Barbados and all last week Brixton was doubtless awash with hedge fund managers and BBC programme controllers trying to buy drugs.
And getting the wrong sort. “Yeah, man. You gotta try some of this horse tranquilliser. It’ll even you out.” Honestly, I bet that this morning Glastonbury is full to overflowing with your accountant calling all the policemen pigs and trying to reverse onto a selection of other men, having ingested six gallons of crystal meth.

I have no problem with that. I’m not going to spend the next foot of newsprint berating you for not acting your age and laughing at you as you try to remember how to roll a joint. But I do have a problem with Glastonbury.

Now whilst getting soaked to the skin whilst sewage contaminated mud swills over the tops of your wellies might not be your idea of fun, but the whole Glasto concept is one that we should all embrace … & why, might come as a little surprise. Forget all the tie dye hippy Nu-Earth festival nonesense that get trotted out on occasions, what Gastonbury is all about & make no mistake about this, is not naked new age travellers – its bare faced CAPITALISM.

The Somerset ‘levels’ has, well to put it politely, a very limited genetic pool – eleven toes is pretty much the norm & opposed thumbs a novelty. Yet one farmer has sought ride pretty much roughshod over the UK’s inequitous planning system, to redeploy one of the factors of production more efficently & produce a global brand in the process. How much is a ticket, £150? Nearly 180,0000 people pay that to go & stand in a waterlogged field. That’s over 25 million quid in turnover. Talk about diversification of agricultureal income streams. With that sort of cashflow you don’t need to worry about trying to get permission to convert the old cow sheds to holiday homes

& what does all this money produce? People travel huge distances to establish a new community where all kinds of trade & commerce take place on land that was previously, much less productive. No figures are available for what is produced in three days in terms of GDP but I will bet you penny to a pound that is sure beats goat farming.

The whole event has changed over the years form when it started as a haven for refugees from the 1960’s & the brand has refined itself. These days local lads charge £50 a time to pull BMWs out of the car park gloop with their tractors. Hells teeth, the place requires a 30 MW power supply to keep peoples iPods & mobile phones charged – that’s about what the City of Bath consumes. So much for the carbon footprint,eh? Want a colestoral free fairtrade yak burger? £8.50 & yes sir, we do accept Amex.

So this morning dear readers, we applude the free enterprise of this business model & we embrace the concept of relieving stupid people of large amounts of cash so that they can go & sink in the mire. They do so of their own volition but let’s just be sure that we Hoover their wallets on the way. Forget Flanders, that never turned a profit. & before anyone asks, next year the Free Market Corporation will be taking a trade stand to peddle useless wares to the terminally stupid.

As Gordon Gekko so perceptively pointed out, it isnt that the fool & his money are soon parted, it’s a miricle that they even got together in the first place & no doubt our exclusive range of wellington boots (bought from the local farm shop for a fiver a pair) will sell very very well at the special festival offer price of £40

Giant bubbles – giant waste of money

As economic activity declines still further & the purse strings get ever tighter, it really does take (local) government to find bigger & better ways to spend dwindling revenues

Two giant musical inflatable spheres will be floating across a Norfolk broad to help residents relax. South Norfolk Council is hosting Midsummer Chillax (a combination of the words chill and relax) at Whitlingham Country Park, near Norwich.

One sphere will contain a flautist and the other an aerial dancer. A council spokeswoman said the free event was aimed at "banishing recession blues" and entertaining the "staycation generation of holidaymakers"

Apparently...

Councillor Michelle Monck, South Norfolk cabinet member for leisure, said: "[It is] our attempt to counter the economic doom and gloom with a range of free and low cost, fun and culturally vibrant events for local residents and visitors to enjoy."

No doubt Councillor Mong thinks that the taxpayer will enjoy their hard earned holidays all the more in the clear knowledge that the public’s money is being so frivolously spunked away.

But on a happier note Generalissimo Free Market has already given orders that Light Coastal Forces in the shape of the FMS Bumboat Jollyboy commanded by the redoubtable Admiral of the Rear Free Market be deployed.

Equipped with the very latest naval weapons systems & half a case of Pusser’s gin, the Admiral , eschewing the delights of 00-Buck, reports that the primary armament, the fearsome BBB*, is already loaded with grape sufficient to deal with any watery tarts flautists. Indeed cultural events will be made all the more vibrant by the sight of aerial dancers in giant bubbles being engaged with a couple of pounds of chain shot!

The other half a case of of the Admiral's gin goes to reader BD for uncovering this nonsense

*BBB:- Big Ba*stard Bondook

Cleaning up after the hippies

As was so correctly pointed out in the comments about yesterday’s summer solstice post, the New Age hippy drippy dope smoking scarifies are more than ready or bang on about the environment & yet they take every opportunity to treat it with the utmost contempt
Sadly, it reminds of the last Countryside Alliance march in London when half a million of us wurzels went to protest about the Hunting Ban: afterwards there was simply no litter dumped on the streets. This surprised some commentators but to be honest, not me. However when you look at how these ‘worshippers’ treat an archaeological site of global importance...

... it is worth recalling that there are countrymen & those that go to the country. Never ever get the two confused

If it were down to me, next year would simply be cancelled already. That is how you would deal with children - you treat them like children & if these people don’t have enough respect to take their litter home then why should the taxpayer have to foot the cleanup bill?

Mind you, given that over thirty people got themselves arrested – a figure which is far too low in my humble opinion – I feel strongly that following a swift appearance in front of the Beak they could be quite usefully put to work spend the rest of this week clearing the place up. I know I know, that could be considered to be degrading & infringing their so-called Human Rights – well the alternative is that instead of the Beak, dissenters & their barrack room lawyers could have their cases elevated to be heard by Hanging Judge Free Market's Bloody Assizes – trust me, in that instance, these scumbags wouldn’t be putting rubbish into bin liners ... their decomposing remains would be found in them

A spot a housekeeping from last week

You might recall the story of Fata Lemes - but just in case you have already tried to expunge the memory of this sorry individual

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

We here is a picture of Ms. Lemes in her work frock which clearly disgusting & as she says absolutely makes her look like a prostitute

& for the avoidance of doubt, this is a picture of Ms. Lemes from her Facebook profile...

I refer you to the quote at the top of this post & leave it you dear readers to speculate about the motive in taking her former employers to Court

Stonehenge & the summer solstice

Its official, the evenings are starting to draw in as last weekend saw the passing of the summer solstice which seems to have become the cue for hippy van loads of soap dodgers to converge on these yerrrrr parrrrts to expirence the errrrrr mysticism of the sunrise ... yeah right! There were only 37 arrests this year.

At the moment you cant get down any of the byways that crisscross this part of the world without ending up scraping the side of some untaxed, uninsured rainbow wagon with the mower on the back of your tractor & don’t ask me how I know this

Maybe I am missing something here but as middle age fast approaches & I am consumed with the urge to get into model railways in a serious way, this whole druidic thing still completely mystifies me. There are frauds perpetrated by that nice Mr Madoff & then there are altogether big frauds like the climate change hysteria. Up there with that is this druid tosh. For a Celtic belief system for which no records exist – not one – people seem to have a pretty accurate view of their long lost rituals & dress codes...

& so it is only right that we allow their worshippers to on to a archaeological site of global significance.

If it were down to your humble correspondent & lets all hope that next year it is, the god of fire in the shape of some military grade flamethrowers will be making an appearance at the summer solstice ceremonies - burning that lot to cinder in the finest Norse tradition (for which incidentally records do existing) must surely do society a favour.

& now I have got that off my chest, I need to go & put the foxing lamps on charge – this evening we are out across the fields, fully tooled up to look for red dogs encourage still stoned stragglers to be on their way

Sometimes we can learn from other cultures

Last week we touched upon cocktail waitresses’ dresses, this morning I thought that we would start our week with school girls’ skirts or to be precise, the miniskirts unless anyone has an objection to that? No? OK so I will continue with this sad news from Upton by Chester High School.

100 pupils walk out of high school in protest at ban on short skirts

Now normally we might be expected to offer join in such protests in the hope of achieving such lofty goals however before you start painting the placards, you might want to take a quick shufti at Chloe & Stacey Tate, who are at the centre of the row...

Now far from it for me to make personal remarks about anyone except politicians, lawyers, environmentalists etc etc etc but just for once I cannot help thinking that these young (ahem) ladies should adopt a slightly more demure attire...

...such as burkhas! Frankly I’d say that headteacher Jane Holland at the school is doing everyone a huge favour but for a slightly more earthy discourse on this story, the soldiery have a thread running on ARRSE

The Final Cut?

The irony that this article was sent to me by reader EX-STAB. Happily he is so named not because he has a reputation for gettin’ jiggy wiv a blade, a Lee Enfield topped off with some cold British steel is more his style, but he has many years service as a member of the Territorial Army. The regular Army have been known to refer to the TA disparagingly as STABs which is an acronym for Stupid TA Ba*stard, hence his nickname.

Now while we are on this topic & purely in the interests of editorial balance it is worth pointing out that that the STABs refer to their regular colleagues as ARABS; Arrogant Regular Army Ba*stards. However let’s not dwell upon fantasies of plunging sword bayonets into the chest cavities of expenses fiddling MPs & take as our breakfast digestif, Nanny’s latest idea...

The first "anti-stab" knife will soon go on sale in Britain and has been designed to work as normal in the kitchen, but be ineffective as a weapon. The knife has a unique "combination tip" that reduces the risk of injury. The tip has a rounded edge instead of a point and the blade for cutting is underneath. While it can chop vegetables, the tip makes penetration more difficult. It also snags on clothing and skin, making it very unlikely to inflict a fatal wound.

In response to this utter nonsense & having seen an emerging gap in the market, the Free Market Corporation is this morning proud to announce its new range of street brawl blades & its flagship model, The Slasher

Targeted directly at underage urban yoffs that have been recently dissed, it is guaranteed to deliver not only complete customer satisfaction & but also fatal puncture wounds.

Next week Nanny will introducing ladders you can’t climb, roads you are unable to cross & hypoallergenic cotton wool but fear not dear readers, as I type this FM Corporation scientists are working through the night to develop the sort of products that you the customer not only demand, but have a right to

Race & Religion 3: Putting the ban into D'Rabbanan

Over the last day or so we have been having a little pop at the Mohammedan for being a gang of utter utter numpties. Today, as just to show that religious bias is not tolerated here – all are treated with equal distain – it’s the turn of the Red Sea Pedestrians ...

A couple have taken legal action after claiming motion sensors installed at their holiday flat in Dorset breached their rights as Orthodox Jews. Gordon and Dena Coleman said they cannot leave or enter their Bournemouth flat on the Sabbath because the hallway sensors automatically switch on lights. The couple's religious code bans lights and other electrical equipment being switched on during Jewish holidays.

They have now issued a county court writ claiming religious discrimination. They also claim breach of their rights under the Equality Act 2006 and Human Rights Act 1998 and the case is due to be heard at Bournemouth County Court next month

The answer remains the same in all instances: if you don't like it here, you have the right to leave at any time

Cultural attitudes

The News Junkie found this interesting little piece

The Economist reports on a Harvard study that confirms what common sense would suggest: Immigrants bring with them the cultural attitudes of their home countries, and those attitudes persist in their children

Set aside the immigrant thang for just moment: it seems entirely logical that children are highly likely to inherit genetic abnormalities, unpaid credit card bills, as well as their parents' cultural attitudes. This is possibly why your humble correspondent’s seven year old daughter uses the word gay as a pejorative term.

Hold on....whats that? I think I can hear Social Services hammering at the front door.......

Meanwhile, down in these yerrr parrrrts....

Crop circle experts believe the latest pattern to be discovered, a phoenix rising from the flames in Wiltshire, may give a warning about the end of the world

....arrrggggghhhhhh......it’s that stupid time of year again when every Norman No-Mates mystic numpty twat dons druidic dress & starts talking complete & utter bollocks

The 400-foot design was discovered in a barley field in Yatesbury near Devizes and depicts the mythical phoenix reborn as it rises from the ashes. Investigators claim more formations are referencing the possibility of a cataclysmic event occurring on December 21, 2012, which coincides with the end of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Really?

So swine flu isn’t going to wipe us all out despite just having had its first success in Blighty although killing some Scottish woman doesn’t really count in exactly the same way that if some pandemic decimates Mexico, a few American lawns won’t get mown & that’s about it . But oh no, this time it really is going to be different. No really...

The Mayan's believed civilisation exists within a series earth cycles of 144,000 days each with the 13th expiring in December 2012, resulting in Armageddon. Crop circle enthusiast Karen Alexander, from Gosport, Hants, said

“The phoenix is a mythical creature which symbolises rebirth and a new era in many cultures across the world. Within the crop circle community many believe the designs are constantly referring to December 21 and its aftermath. This could be interpreted as the human race or earth rising again after a monumental event.”

So let’s be absolutely clear here Karen, a few boys have a few pints of finest foaming one night & then go out with the planks & bale twine for a bit of a giggle. Instead of a couple of alka seltza the next morning, suddenly the world is going to end because the Mayans said so? Is it worth pointing out that if the Mayans weren’t all already dead they would all be currently dying from a severe bout of the snuffles which is no doubt also predicted by ruining corn fields in Wiltshire. So how does that work exactly? Come on Karen, when you are not getting off on crop damage, which one really does it for you? Dungeons & Dragons or World of Warcraft?

Race & Religion 1: Rod Little is talking sense (again)

& can add nothing to this. Read, learn, inwardly digest.

Perhaps it will come as a vague consolation to the parents of Ben Kinsella that he was not murdered for racial reasons, but simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, as they say. Ben, aged 16, who was white, was stabbed to death by three black men near a nightclub in north London; there was no apparent motive for the murder.

We skirt this issue, mostly for decent, if deluding reasons – that a proportion of young black males is more likely to commit violent crime than other sectors of the population. It is a form of racism, though, to assume that the problem is simply a given, and unalterable – but we have been hamstrung in our attempts to deal with it for reasons of political correctness.

Race & Religion 2: Putting the mad back into Mohammadian

I know the Rocket Bar quite well (don’t ask) but before anyone says anything, it’s not that sort of a bar where gentleman might strike a fiscal arrangement with a young lady. There are some bars that you would rather not be photographed leaving but this isn’t one. In fact it is a regular post office watering hole for Mayfair’s young professionals even if it seems to have among its clientele, a surfeit of top totty (allegedly). Well not quite according to one ex-employee

Deep breath & here we go dear readers.....

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

& the sexually revealing dress in question looks like... well this

Sorry boys I know it is all rather tame but

The tribunal said Miss Lemes’s £20,000 compensation claim - including £17,500 for hurt feelings - was “manifestly absurd”. Instead they awarded her £2,919.95 for both hurt feelings and loss of earnings

WTF!!!! You sponging little scrubber.

Given the amount of screaming your humble correspondent has been subjected to from aggrieved shareholders over the last 9 months, my employment claim for hurt feelings should be larger than your average bank bailout & before anybody else asks, I would have no problem in wearing a little red number to work, in fact this morning.....

More here, here & here

Snake Oil

I have to confess to being mildly amused by this...

An Oxford University graduate died after being injected with an experimental anti-ageing drug by her sister, a GP. Yolanda Cox, 22, suffered a massive allergic reaction after being given three times the normal dose as part of a test of the unlicensed drug invented by their mother.
Mrs Cox had been married for just nine months when she agreed to be a guinea pig for the drug, which the family also believed to be effective against cancer and diabetes.

It not that medical research, serious medical reserch should be taken at all lightly, but these muppets weren't just playing at it, they were positively dangerous

Hospital doctors and paramedics said the family resisted requests to give them information about the drug even when Mrs Cox was in intensive care, the inquest heard. Dr Alexander Mackay, of the Royal Free Hospital, said: 'The family were extremely reluctant to go into detail about the drug. They wouldn't say what was in it, and said I didn't need to know

My only regret about this story is that the rest of the family didn't each have a large shot of their homemade drug in their glasses of Cool Aid.

"School bans 'dangerous' swimming goggles"

Following on the utter tonk from the Health & Safety Executive yesterday, we have this...

Teachers and governors at Ysgol Bryn Coch junior school, in Mold, north Wales, said a child could be seriously injured if a pair of goggles was "snapped" onto their face too hard, or if a lens popped out unexpectedly

Apparently...

Headmistress Lynne Williams said: "It has been recognised by the British Association of Advisors and Lecturers in Physical Education that goggles can pose a real risk to children, and this has been accepted by the governors."

A spokesman for Flintshire County Council said: "There is a legal responsibility for school governors, headteachers and teaching staff to ensure that health and safety policy is followed."

Kill Kill Kill

Death to the Health & Safety oppressors

For most visitors, the only injury likely to befall them is a pricked finger or a little sunburn.
But that hasn’t stopped health and safety officials claiming pick-your-own fruit farms could be hiding a host of hazards within their hedgerows. Yesterday, one of the country’s most popular strawberry farms announced it is to close to the public after being ordered to ‘radically refurbish’ its land following a risk assessment.

Clearly Generalissimo Free Market's Martini Doctrine needs to immediately be extended beyond the legal profession to include all members of the Health & Safety Executive as well as employees of wanky insurance companies. Slaughter every single last one of them. Without pity. Without remorse.

Titfers

We first touched upon titfers back in 2004 on the eve of our annual outing to Royal Ascot – a trip that Family FM no longer make on the basis that these days attendees of the Royal Enclosure seem to have to keep being reminded about what constitutes acceptable dress for such an event. We do not feel the need to keep such company & if anyone considers that to be snobbish, so be it. My topper will probably spend this summer in its box, awaiting a more gentile invitation before its next outing

However that does bring me rather neatly to our first topic of the day & the news that this year’s ‘winner’ of Celebrity Hat Wearers is Hugh Jackman ... which is an interesting choice given that Australia’s contribution is to the lost sartorial art of proper headdress is somewhat slightly limited.

Now anticipating angry emails from Kangadung Creek that start with the electronic equivalent of awwwwwwwwww mate, I will caveat my last comment by simply adding that setting all of that dangling corks nonsense to one side for a moment, that great country is indeed responsible for two of the most feared forms of head dress known to man: namely the Australian Army’s slouch hat

& the possibly even more feared green baggy cap of the Australian cricket team ... & no, I don’t fancy England’s chances in the forthcoming Ashes series

However to get back on topic for just a moment, I lament the passing of hats, proper hats - not the aberrations that so many yoofs, trubadors & minstrels insist on wearing these days. Aside from my aforementioned topper, I own several trilbies, a panama, a very battered boater not to mention numerous shooting caps ranging from a shorty to a full on Berttie Wooster.

If you must insist on wearing one of those ubiquitous baseball caps so be it - however on sunny days you would do much better with one of these...

After all, you can hardly raise what is essentially a piece of child’s clothing to a young lady & still look the part. Next up will be covering equally weight topics such as the merits of the monocle & why you should wear one out of pure affectation

P.J. O’Rourke on why Americans fell out of love with the automobile & the death of Detroit

The phrase “bankrupt General Motors,” which we expect to hear uttered on Monday, leaves Americans my age in economic shock. The words are as melodramatic as “Mom’s nude photos.” And, indeed, if we want to understand what doomed the American automobile, we should give up on economics and turn to melodrama.

Horsepower is not a quaint leftover of linguistics or a vague metaphoric anachronism. James Watt, father of the steam engine and progenitor of the industrial revolution, lacked a measurement for the movement of weight over distance in time—what we call energy. (What we call energy wasn’t even an intellectual concept in the late 18th century—in case you think the recent collapse of global capitalism was history’s most transformative moment.) Mr. Watt did research using draft animals and found that, under optimal conditions, a dray horse could lift 33,000 pounds one foot off the ground in one minute. Mr. Watt—the eponymous watt not yet existing—called this unit of energy “1 horse-power.”

Found in the Wall Street Journal by The Barrister

Post hoc ergo propter hoc

& yesterdays Hero of the Day is Professor Gordon Hughes from the Department of Economics of the University of Edinburgh, for this...

Sir,

Finally, Professor Steve Field claims that climate change is the biggest health challenge of the 21st century. This is a meaningless statement, even if it comes from the World Health Organisation, since it relies upon knowledge that is not and cannot be available. Serious attempts to examine the evidence have concluded that current and future mortality and morbidity due to indoor air pollution, poor water and sanitation and malaria alone vastly exceed any plausible estimates of the impact of future climate change on health up to 2100. Further, resources used to fund good policies and investments in infrastructure today will greatly reduce the future impact of climate change in 50 or 100 years. That is why mitigating climate change has a real cost, because in reality it diverts resources from tackling big problems today.

published in yesterdays edition of The Times

Shooting back is against the law if you are a policeman

The other week we touched upon the G20 protests riot & why the Metropolitan Police we completely correct to start cracking skulls but just to reiterate, if you want to peaceably protest, thats fine: if you want a scrap, then expect to be given some senior pagga*. However the case of Mark Saunders is several standard deviations worse, but before we dive headlong into invective & vitriol, lets look at the facts of the case:

1. There was a five our armed standoff with the police in Central London

2. During the standoff Mark Saunders fired his shotgun at police & at his neighbours

3. Saunders ended the day dead.

Now those are the facts & it it would seem that the police acted to prevent a very dangerous situation getting worse. However I did forget one thing - just a small thing - other than the fact he looked like a really smary git ...

... Mark Saunders was a lawyer which is possibly why he looked like a really smary git.

Now if it were down to me & by all that is good & light, I hope that it one day will be, the police have have an open mandate to gun down lawyers without having to show good reason. It will be known as Generalissimo Free Market’s Martini Doctrine – as in anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Those of us that have been involved in pest control know that you will never be able to completely exterminate vermin: however if we could manage say a 95% annual cull of the legal profession, within 24 months lawyers will become a statistical irrelevance & the world will become a better place.

& yet in Browntown, the officers that performed this sterling community service may now face charges

Prosecutors are to consider whether to bring charges over the shooting of a lawyer by police officers in London. The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) has completed an inquiry into the death of Mark Saunders, 32, in Chelsea in May 2008. Mr Saunders was shot dead by Met Police marksmen after a five-hour stand-off at his flat. The IPCC has decided to pass the file to the Crown Prosecution Service for consideration over possible charges

To my mind, the only issue that I have with this case is the question of the armed officers’ marksmanship skills

The IPCC evidence showed seven officers fired 11 rounds at Mr Saunders. The barrister was hit five times and was shot in the head, the heart and the liver.

Now there are those of you that will opine quite reasonably that when it comes to freeing Blighty from the Tyranny of the Lawyers with which we are so cursed, a 45% hit rate is acceptable: to my alcohol ravaged mind, if we are ever to end the Legal Hegemony, better marksmanship will be required

But to return to the central theme here, it doesn’t matter which way to cut it – you end up in an armed confrontation with police & start shooting, they are going to shoot back & rightly so. Period. Only a lawyer (or all of his lawyer mates) would have the temerity to try & argue otherwise which is why we need The Cull to start forthwith ... if not sooner.

* Pagga: Slang term for a large street-fight involving several people all laying into each other with fists, feet, bottles, pool cues and whatever else comes to hand. Thought to derive from "pandemonium

A chip off the old block?

It probably isn’t a surprise but over the years we have covered quite a few old the exploits of Abu Hamza (here, here, here & here), however a swift read of the news reveals that like father, like son & The Hamster’s sons are now following in their father’s footsteps ... right into the Criminal Justice System

Three sons of jailed cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri have admitted exploiting a loophole in the vehicle registration system to commit a £1m luxury car scam. His sons Hamza Kamel, 22, and Mohamed Mostafa, 27

ran the two-year fraud with his stepson Mohssin Ghailam, 28. Southwark Crown Court heard they targeted cars in long-stay car parks, fraudulently obtaining their log books and keys before selling the cars on.

Given that Old Hookie, a disciple of the finest minds of the Middle Ages, is an advocate of Sherry Law, will he be asking that they receive a) a softy UK prison cell & early release because they are being victimised because of their ‘faith’, or b) a slightly more traditional Mohammodan punishment?

Apparently Southwark Crown Court will be sentencing this pondlife today – rest assured dear readers, Hanging Judge Free Market couriered over some very amusing ideas for suitable sentences first thing this morning

& now a little something to cheer us all up

A homeowner has been ordered to switch off his £20,000 wind turbine following complaints from neighbours that it is too loud.

Wind turbine ... £20,000
Legal costs ... £5,392
Being ordered by the Courts to turn the damn thing off ... Priceless

Sometimes just sometimes, sustainability is a wonderful thing

De inimico non loquaris sed cogites

For starters dear readers can we take is as a given that if television set is now riddled with bullet holes & what little remaining glassware we had is now strewn across the floor. It’s not that your humble correspondent has been reading the latest details of exactly how much our political overlords have been embezzling from the taxpayer, in fact I returned to Free Market Towers in uncharacteristic good humour yesterday evening. My cursory check of the grounds revealed a purple Kagol bedecked rambler caught in one of the mantraps in the Lower Paddock: so having dispatched beardo & dumped the lifeless corpse in the swallow trench that is normally reserved for Green Party canvassers, I settled down to the earnest task of barbequing some suitably bloody bits of dead cow & thence graft myself onto the sofa of sloth with a bottle of something dark & peaty for the remainder of the evening.

Eschewing the somewhat dubious entertainment value of anything presented by that pair of Geordie twats, my attention was drawn to Who’s Watching You which was being shown by the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation which is...

A new three part series looks at why the UK has become one of the most watched places in the world - with millions of CCTV cameras, a growing network of number plate recognition cameras, one of the largest DNA databases in the world and government plans for the basic details of all our phone calls e-mails, and every internet site we visit to be logged and kept

... which is really really nice because they will then have an extensive record of all of the How to Slaughter Government Snoopers Slowly & Painfully websites that I have visited over the years. In fact, the more that programme went on, the more rounds that we loosed across the sitting round & crockery thrown through the by now broken windows.

After an hour & the makings of a vast “accidental damage” insurance claim later, the only argument that I heard in favour of the staggering levels of surveillance that we stout bulldogs are subjected to is that “if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear” from the hundreds & yes, I do mean hundreds of government agencies that have you under regular & unregulated surveillance.

Nothing to fear, my ar*e! Hang every one of those b*stards now. Without exception, without remorse.

The Westminster Village, having been too consumed with spurious expenses claims to do the job that they are actually paid huge sums of money to do, has made a complete & utter unmitigated mess of what was once Gods own country. In happier times, we civilised the World & those parts that we didn’t civilise have yet to be civilised. Successive governments & their willing unelected overpaid acolytes are now trying to cover up their catastrophic incompetence in every policy area that you care to mention by now spying on us.

You pondlife have created a semi-literate feral underclass which apparently I have to pay for. Why exactly? Apologises to not filing a tax return form but I have been too busy destruction testing CCTV cameras with a 14 pound sledge hammer. Of course, if I was Westminster pondlife life, I could claim back the cost of employing an accountant to do the forms for me ... something that is denied to Blighty’s hardworking taxpayers.

So you resort to firming everyone all the time in the “interests of public safety” – well I suppose that at least all of those government agencies that spend so long recording what we do, will one day be able to see the lynch mob that comes for them.

Peter Andre & Bear Grylls in the same post - never say I don't push the boundaries of what is possible

Can it be true, have Katie & Peter really split up – come on, who is really going to admit to caring about anything other than whether these two vapid meeeeejar creations are doing anything other than rotting in shallow graves. Katie Price’s only contribution to society is to use up what little remained of the World’s silicon reserves after they had finished strip mining the small amount left over once Pammy was done.

Peter has contributed nothing to anything ever, save for being living proof that inappropriate use of hair products by men make you look an utter utter twat. Collectively, they have further diluted the integrity of the gene pool by spawning. For that crime as well as making unutterably bad reality TV shows, forget the divorce courts, all that should beckon both of ‘em is an early morning appointment with a noose.

But putting that to one side for a moment, we must turn our attention to important matters.
The question the weighs heavy on my mind this morning, is the news that Bear Grylls has been appointed Chief Scout. So in turn, the question I pose you this morning dear readers is that if you were out in the deep green oolu & down to your last bandana, who would you pick: Bear dib dib dib Grylls

or Ray fatty Mears

As ever, you the reader decide

& the problem is what exactly?

I have to confess to being slightly perplexed at the witch hunt that Parliament seems to trying to hold over the policing of the G20 demonstrations: as a taxpayer who likes to feel he is getting value for money from public services, surely if the Police are not fully employed with the unprovoked beating of immigrants & ethnic minorities, then I can think of no better employment for plod than administering proper kickings to a bunch of soap dodging eco-scumbag dole moles & assorted anti-capitalist social misfits.

Indeed if the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police were to promise me that I would be remunerated in direct proportion to the number of hippies & mini-cab drivers I hospitalise, hand on heart I’d have to ask, where’s the dotted line, riot stick & CS gas?

By any sane measure, a huge number of the G20 protesters we well & truly up for a violent confrontation with the police – frankly it would have been beyond churlish not to beat at least a few of them to a bloodied pulp. Think of it less as the Met exceeding its powers & more as simply meeting visitor expectations. With Sterling languishing at record lows against just about any other currency you care to mention, London is awash with tourists – could we turn this into some sort of visitor attraction? I wager you that there is good money to be made from the TV rights. Forget Richard & Judy or the plethora of makeover shows that seem to dominate prime time scheduling ... won’t you much rather be watching a bunch anaemic Italian crypto-anarchists taking a well rounded shoeing from the lads at Walthamstow nick?

Now before anyone tries to seize the moral high ground & start banging on about that newspaper seller that had a heart attack – sad though it may be, judging from the number of people that have unsuccessfully tried to sell me a copy of the Big Issue this week, we can afford to go a few light in that department at the moment. Think of it like lawyers; it doesn’t matter how many die, there always seem to be more.

As for the whole protesting thing, I don’t feel that we protest enough – it’s a character flaw in the bulldog personality. We are way way too polite & we should protest against a whole raft of things, but we don’t: possibly because the Westminster trough feeders are far too superior to listen to vox populi. They are in fact way too busy writing the works of fiction that are their expenses claims to bother with such minor things as the concerns of voters. But I have absolutely no problem with anyone peaceably taking there grievance to Parliament Square unless you are an Indian waiter carping on about what is going on somewhere that has nothing to do with Blighty anymore & blocking the traffic. Please I beseech you, go back to work because at the moment it’s almost impossible to get any service in any of the many curry houses I frequent – frankly I really don’t care if the Ceylonese government is shelling women & children, I just want my Chicken Jalfrezi. No really.

But to return finally to the deep greens, social malcontents & the economically immature – they wanted a punch up & they got one.

However some officers might just like to note that you can get more than one unconscious neo-Marxist politics student into an ambulance. When it comes to the likes of say errrrrrrr hunt saboteurs, (allegedly) the door of the blacksmiths Toyota pick-up is remarkably efficient in ensuring that the local Accident & Emergency ward sees an increase in admissions. As others would say, don’t ask me how I know this

"...civil servants and elected councillors will opt for vegetarian meals."

The Belgian city of Ghent is about to become the first in the world to go vegetarian at least once a week.

Starting this week there will be a regular weekly meatless day, in which civil servants and elected councillors will opt for vegetarian meals.

This only serves to reinforce the deep seated prejudices that I hold against the Continent in general & the Belgium in particular

The Fighting Lumleys

It is no wonder that Joanna Lumley is fighting so hard for Gurkhas rights when you read the story of her father's service with them, pointed out by McHugh & before anyone asks, Major James Lumley is on the right in the picture

It was early in May in 1944 when the 3rd Battalion set out from their base to march through dense tropical jungle commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Freddie Shaw, with Major 'Jimmy' Lumley as his second-in-command. Some of these men were the famous 'Chindits', who prided themselves on being mavericks and well capable of taking on the Japanese in their own jungles.

The Gurkhas had been ordered north to bring pressure on the Japanese fighting U.S. forces - but the monsoon had broken, and the march took a terrible toll as they cut their way through the jungle with their kukri knives. Not only did they have to fight off a string of attacks from Japanese soldiers intent on ambushing them, but they were also stricken by every kind of tropical disease.As the regimental history puts it: 'Conditions were appalling, malaria and typhus were rife.'

By the end of May, when the Gurkhas were within ten miles of Mogaung, they were ordered to 'take' the town. The original fighting force of 3,500 men that had left their camp had been reduced to just 550 - and just 230 surviving Gurkhas were fit to fight. What is more, intelligence from the 14th Army suggested the town was held by approximately 4,000 Japanese soldiers.

The Gurkhas reached the outskirts of Mogaung on June 9, and two days later Capt.
Michael Allmand led his platoon in an attack on the vital Pin Hmi road bridge - about a quarter of a mile east of the town's railway station - and the route to the strategically important Red House, where the Japanese had their headquarters. It was no easy task. The approach to the bridge was very narrow as the road was banked up - and the low-lying land on either side was swampy and covered in jungle.

Small wonder then that Lumley's daughter Joanna should say this week of Rifleman Pun, who fought alongside her father: 'Ever since I was a small child this man has been my hero.' The memory of the battle for Mogaung was to remain with Major Lumley throughout his life, and he was present when the Viceroy of India, Field Marshal Lord Wavell, awarded the VC to his friend Pun in a ceremony in Delhi, India, in March 1945. The following year, Joanna Lumley was born in Kashmir, while her father was still serving with the Gurkhas.

Swine flu update

Seven new swine flu cases in the UK have been confirmed, the Department of Health has said & the Bambibasher points out the first swine flu related celebrity death

Health officals say that they know who he got it from.....

Just because swine flu hasn't killed you, doesn't mean that...

Global pandemics aside, this morning it is quite clear that just living appears to be quite dangerous...

Here we see a scan of a healthy brain, taken as if through the roof of the mouth. All the images on this page have come from a SPECT scanner, which shows brain activity by detecting blood flow (unlike other types of scanner, which show the actual structure of the brain). The largely smooth surface shows that blood flow to this brain is good

The brain of this heavy caffeine and cigarette user looks in an even worse state than the drug users and heavy drinkers. Caffeine and cigarettes are stimulants in the short term, but in the long term they can narrow the blood vessels in your brain. This reduces brain activity, especially in the vital pre-frontal cortex and temporal lobes. The two large black holes at the top of the brain are in the prefrontal cortex - just under the forehead - which is the brain’s boardroom. This is where you learn from your mistakes; damage here makes you vulnerable to depression. The distorted temporal lobes (the large gaps in the middle) are linked to poor memory.

So thats what a couple of packs & few cups of coffee do to you? No wonder this blog is such a mess. Still on the upside, at least I dont have to worry about that underfunded pension scheme.

I don't want to say told you so, but...

Pollution is protecting the world from climate change, according to two new studies. The first study found that the hole in the ozone layer, caused by the use of CFCs, has prevented the melting of Antarctica even as the rest of the world warms. A separate study found that plants absorb more carbon dioxide under polluted skies, therefore slowing global warming.

Does this mean that we now have to go out & buy 4x4s in order to save the planet?

Piggy wiggy flu

Does anyone remember Dave? Well tonights thought is that if pigs can fly, is that the same as swine flu? Anyway, from the same people that brought us melting polar ice caps & nuclear power station accidents we now have this...

Of course down in these yerrrrr paaarts, we remain slightly more sanguine about the latest tsunami of doom laden warnings & when it comes to matters of a porcine nature, it’s pretty much business as usual

The problem with the Police

Found by MK

Britain's police were once celebrated for their oddly shaped helmets, for their courteous efficiency and for not carrying guns as they went about their daily business. Of these three, only the helmets remain--some of the time.

This is not the way we Brits expect our police to behave. They are supposed to be apolitical and non-partisan, just as they are supposed to not thwack harmless passersby on the back of the head with a riot stick.

The rest is here

French Fishermen, Somali Pirates & Community Activists

I expect lot of you read that last week French fishermen were once again blockading Channel Ports thereby cutting what we stout bulldogs pityingly refer to as the Continent from dear Blighty. Whist I for one can only commend their actions, sadly their protest (probably against the use to deodorant) has now finished as soon as Sarko’s invertebrate government agreed to pony up some more cash. Well lookie here ... we didn’t see that one coming.

However it is absolutely clear that the reason these fishermen continue to extort monies from both their government & the equally spineless European Union is that a) fish stocks are now so utterly depleted that there is no longer a living to made, & b) it’s a lot easier blackmailing governments than it is to actually work for a living.

Driving home one evening last week, I heard this truly inspired idea on the wireless... rather than going to all of the cost of sending all of those destroyers & frigates to try & police the waters off the Horn of Africa wouldn’t it be more sensible & cost effective to deploy the French fishing fleet? The fishermen could then simply blockade the pirates’ port facilities – problem solved.

Of course, having found a use for redundant fishermen the issue then becomes what to do with a load of redundant pirates. However there is more true inspiration on that score as well. Reader PK points out that the Reverend Al Sharpton of New York – a radio commentator, self-proclaimed minister, political gadfly & professional Negro – has now proclaimed that the Somali pirates are not pirates at all, but volunteer Somali coast guards attempting to counter invasion of their waters by non-transit-tax-paying international vessels.

The most ridiculous of the second guesses is that these were not pirates at all, but socially responsible defenders of the Somali people. The Rev. Al Sharpton invited his radio listeners to call and talk about "the so-called pirates. They call themselves voluntary Coast Guards in Somalia, which may be more apt." Rapper K'naan, who says some of his cousins are pirates, told Angela Yee on "The Morning After" radio show that the buccaneers started out as a defence force stopping large corporations from dumping "nuclear toxic-waste containers" in Somali waters and that the ransoms were merely reparations for corporate misconduct. In other words, the pirates are community activists

Community activists that extort large sums of money at whim? So not that different from the French fishermen then!

Ethical riots?

So the Ceylonese have taken it upon themselves to mount large ‘protests’ in Central London against the price of (nan) bread or some such nonsense ... all of which has absolutely nothing to do with the British taxpayer save for the fact that we seem to be footing the policing bill for the actions of another government. Again all absolutely nothing to do with us stout bulldogs – indeed until such time as the World Wildlife Fund opines as to whether we should be trying to save the Tamil Tigers the only issue in my mind is are we supplying the likely winner with weapons & ammunition: if not why not. Goodness knows we need every export order we can get at the moment is we are ever to repay the crippling debts run up by that old eyed Scottish git. However, the new found militancy among curry house waiters aside, we take as our first topic this morning, Riots – Why Can’t We Arrange a Decent One Anymore

Let’s be honest here dear readers, all you have to do is to threaten to smear a soufflé with mayonnaise & the garlic munchers will be claiming that it is an affront to the dignity of the Republic & they are out in the streets, building Cubist reinterpretations of the traditional barricade & doing satirical mimes. In Act II & in the finest traditions of Film Noir, the CRS get well & truly stuck in, especially if Mohammaden yoofs are involved in the desecration of silly soft cheeses.

Now cut to the so-called G20 protests; Tarquin & his chums on his political science course strike a blow against globalised financial markets by smashing a couple of windows round at RBS & what is the police response – one dead, a few black eyes & 90 complaints to the IPCC. Pathetic. In the good old days of the Special Patrol Group, the stretchers would have being lined up outside Accident & Emergency

Any student of real history – not the Marxist bilge they churn out in red brick universities – will know that we bulldogs have a rich tradition of kicking off big style but no doubt all of those Birkenstock shod social science lecturers who were in London got caught in the middle of a huge ethical dilemma. They so wanted to torch every symbol of capitalist excess that they could find but wouldn’t that add to carbon emissions & global warming?

Over the years the police have become emasculated & similarly, the ethics of trying to smash the system have become a lot more complex

Banned in Browns Britain

This advertisement has been banned after the Advertising Standards Agency received 3 – yes thats 3 complaints about it

It was supposed to echo the classic Take Courage campaigns of yesteryear. But a poster showing a nervous man looking anxiously at a woman trying on a figure-hugging dress - next to the slogan "take Courage my friend" - has been banned by the advertising watchdog for suggesting that beer could increase confidence.

The beer's brewer, Bedford-based Wells and Young's, said the Take Courage slogan echoed previous advertising campaigns from the 1950s to the 1980s. However, the ASA ruled: "Although we understood the humorous intention of the scenario, we concluded that the poster breached the code by suggesting that the beer could increase confidence."

This sort of thing should come as no surprise. They banned smoking in pubs - what the government really wants to do is to ban beer as well - for your own good you understand. Blighty really is an utterly spineless place these days

Teachers – We must have more pay. Write it out 100 times after school

One of the things that have to admire about the teaching profession is their consistent denial of reality – when times are good they demand pay parity with other professions. When times are bad, everyone is taking pay cuts or indeed being made redundant ... they demand more pay

One of the biggest teachers' unions in England and Wales is demanding a pay rise of 10% or at least £3,000, whichever is greater

Sorry Mr & Mrs Taxpayer, our view of the wider economy is obscured by a pamphlet on Union activism. But better still was the attitude of one delegate at the NUT conference, one Becky Williams

One said she was so fed up with the job's strains and repaying her £25,000 student loan that she was going abroad. The government said teachers' pay and conditions had never been better. The average teacher's salary was £33,000, it said. But Becky Williams, a history teacher from Nottingham, is going to work in a private school in Kenya. She told the conference that after four years in the profession she was earning just £26,000

If you want to make huge pots of money, you don’t go into the education – you become an MP & tell porkies about your expenses until such time as your index linked pension kicks in. If you want wear sandals, believe in Op-Ed pieces published in The Guardian & take absurdly long holidays, you become a teacher.

However, Ms. Williams, only 4 years after graduating is probably already earning just about the equivalent of the average family in the UK...but still she wants more. No doubt one of her course modules while at Teacher Training College was “Entitlements” & this dear readers should not in any way shape or form be confused with “Hard Work”. In fact if it were down to me & Ms. Williams can thank her lucky stars that it isn’t, her passport would be revoked until such time as she had repaid all of the £25,000 she has borrowed from the taxpayer before she were allowed to leave the country.

Come the Glorious Day, there are going to be a few changes around here

Your Sunday evening fact

From Reader Tom & I have no idea if this is true but I so so want it to be !

The US state that consumes the most online pornography is Utah
New Scientist (US Edition), 27 Feb 09

People who live in Utah report the highest levels of wellbeing in the US
NYT Economix, 10 Mar 09

Why exactly?

My train into work this morning was half an hour late getting into London. It wasn’t caused by the fact that the entire rail network is run by numpties but because last night a piece of pondlife cut a signal cable ... in eight places. As we sat there not moving I had cause to wonder what on earth goes through someone’s mind that would cause them to cut through a control cable once, let alone eight times. Let just say that whoever did it, probably wasn't late for work this morning

Simon Pondlife Cowell

The Duke of Edinburgh has become embroiled in a public row with Simon Cowell over allegations that he called the X Factor judge a "sponger". Cowell claimed that he was snubbed by the Queen and insulted by the Duke after appearing at the Royal Variety Show. In an interview on The Tonight Show, the US chat show hosted by Jay Leno, he said: "At the end, if you are involved in it, you have to stand around for hours and then say hello. She [the Queen] ignored me and her husband called me a sponger.”

Whilst he might be a bubble, HRH is a not only a really good bloke, he is also a shrewd judge of character. Best of all, you just know that the Duke of Edinburgh will have called him that ! But not to worry Mr Cowell, we have your name on The List

A problem with religion ?

So that bearded tw*t, the Archbishop of Canterbury has been whining on about religion again. More charitable souls might argue that that is his job but it is probably not just me, but every time I hear the sound of his lisping liberal social worker like voice, the red mist descends & I am gripped by the urge to beat him to such a bloodied pulp that it will look as though Thomas A’Beckett got off lightly.

His latest whine is that we bulldogs have a bit of a problem with religion...

I don't believe we are living in a secular society and I don't believe we are living in a deeply religiously divided society. I believe we are living in a country that is uncomfortably haunted by the memory of religion and doesn't quite know what to do with it ... a society which is religiously plural and confused and therefore not necessarily hostile

This is hardly surprising when you consider that the era of sensible stout parsons has long since gone & they have been replaced by Guardian reading sodomites & hairy legged wimmin in flat shoes who have taken it upon themselves to reinterpret the Gospels to include a environmentally justifiable post-feminist narrative while butchering the beautiful language of the King James Bible. All done in the name of accessibility.

In my increasingly less frequent rational moments, I might well concede that these days I don’t have a lot to do with the God squad mainly because when they are all off praying for the starving children of Africa who will die of Aids in any case, I am at home in bed nursing my normal behemoth of a Sunday morning hangover. But every time I hear Williams, I realise that we bulldogs aren’t uncomfortably haunted by the memory of religion as he would have us believe, we just don’t like him very much

& now local councils affords us a new sporting opportunity

Fed up which feeding the corpses of Health & Safety Executive employees to your dogs? Well what about this…

Our movements are already tracked by CCTV, speed cameras and even spies in dustbins.Now snooping on the public has reached new heights with local authorities putting spy planes in the air to snoop on homeowners who are wasting too much energy.Thermal imaging cameras are being used to create colour-coded maps which will enable council officers to identify offenders and pay them a visit to educate them about the harm to the environment and measures they can take. A scheme is already under way in Broadland District Council in Norfolk, which has spent £30,000 hiring a plane with a thermal imaging camera.

I can’t help but think that something like a good load of No.4 shot out of a 10 or even an 8-bore could well be the answer here. After all, in places like East Anglia where this scheme is in operation has a rich wildfowling tradition & such pieces are resonably common. The other alternative & it has equal merit, is to simply start burning down local council offices having first ensured that all doorways, espically the fire exits, are completely obstructed. Thermal image that you b*stards !

When the balloon goes up

Through a mist of cheap whiskey because I finished off my last bottle of malt last night, I am minded to recall the character of Major Jimmy Anderson, Reggie Perrin’s brother-in-law who always arrived at dinner time because of a “cock-up on the catering front”.

Given that far right wing politicians are now arming themselves with evil legal loophole firearms (see posts passim) it is worth recalling the exchange between Reggie & Jimmy, where Jimmy explains his plans to set up a guerrilla army in preparation for when the balloon goes up, which mostly involved detailing the help of every violent misfit in society to challenge the hegemony of Chinese restaurants around Windsor Castle

Major Jimmy Anderson (on the subject of the enemy): Wreckers of law and order. Communists, Maoists, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists, union leaders, Communist union leaders, atheists, agnostics, long-haired weirdos, short-haired weirdos, vandals, hooligans, football supporters, namby-pamby probation officers, rapists, papists, papist rapists, foreign surgeons - headshrinkers, who ought to be locked up, Wedgwood Benn, keg bitter, punk rock, glue-sniffers, "Play For Today", Clive Jenkins, Roy Jenkins, Up Jenkins, up everybody's, Chinese restaurants - why do you think Windsor Castle is ringed with Chinese restaurants?

Reginald Perrin: You realise the sort of people you're going to attract, don't you, Jimmy? Thugs, bully-boys, psychopaths, sacked policemen, security guards, sacked security guards, racialists, Paki-bashers, queer-bashers, Chink-bashers, anybody-bashers, rear Admirals, queer admirals, Vice Admirals, fascists, neo-fascists, crypto-fascists, loyalists, neo-loyalists, crypto-loyalists.

Jimmy Anderson: Do you think so? I thought recruitment might be difficult

Mr Kumarasiri – An update

The postmaster who refused to serve customers who could not speak English has been transferred to another branch following complaints from local Muslims.

Sri Lankan-born Deva Kumarasiri introduced a ban on non-English speakers last week after claiming they frustrated other customers and made his job more difficult.Mr Kumarasiri, who moved to Britain 18 years ago, said he believed that new immigrants should learn the language and take pride in their new culture.But he turned up to work yesterday to find his managers at the agency which runs the Sneinton Boulevard post office in Carlton, Nottingham, for the Post Office had decided to transfer him to another branch.

In happier times we instictively knew how to deal with uppity fuzzy wuzzies…

Shops

Sorry to spoil anyones Saturday, but compare & contrast:

This...

The postmaster who banned customers who can't speak English from his branch today faced calls for him to be sacked from angry local Muslims. Sri Lankan-born Deva Kumarasiri introduced the ban this week because he believes all immigrants in Britain should learn the language and take pride in the new homeland. Mr Kumarasiri, who runs Sneinton Boulevard Post Office in inner-city Nottingham, moved here 18 years ago and says everyone should embrace British culture ... But the chairman of the local Mosque confirmed that a petition was circulating among Muslim residents calling for Mr Kumarasiri to go. Aurangzeb Kahn said: 'There has been concern that people can be denied Post Office services because they can't speak English.

& this...

Shop 'turned girl away because she’s British’ claims that a student was told to leave a Polish supermarket because it had a policy to not serve English people are being investigated.

but finally, we return to Mr Kumarasiri

A Nottingham postmaster who refused to serve people with poor English has been dismissed from his position and banned from the Liberal Democrat party. Sri Lankan born Deva Kumarasiri shot to prominence this week after he refused to serve customers who could not speak fluent English on the grounds that it caused delays for other customers. When the 40-year-old district councillor turned up for work at the inner-city sub-office this morning he was told he had been moved to another post office in the city. The owners of the shop at which the Post Office concession is based complained to his employment agency saying outrage over his stance was losing them customers.

English

English is not for one in seven primary school pupils across the UK. Figures released show more than half a million youngsters speak a foreign language primarily which accounts for 14.3 per cent of the total.

& I don’t have a massive problem with that just as long as these same said children can speak English to an acceptable standard. In fact there is a part of me I can’t help but feel that it is slightly unreasonable to expect immigrants & their offspring to manage the Queen’s English when very few of of our increasingly dummed down population can claim any degree of mastery when it comes to their mother tounge.

I don’t consider it unreasonable to expect anybody that lives here to speak English & to speak it well. They can also damn well learn to write it as well. That means that every offical form should be in one language & one language only. Would that discriminate against some people? Probably & I couldn’t give a stuff. This isnt say Switzerland or Holland where there is a legitmate need for several offical languages. This is Blighty & we speak English. & the sooner the Georgdies get that into their thick skulls, the better. Be under no illusion, come the Glorious Day, cheekie chapie TV presenters like Ant & Dec will find a space, close to the front of the queue, reserved for them. Champion!

But to return to the central theme here, if ever there was an indicment of the the extent the Government has allowed once Great Britain to become overrun with immigrants who have catastorphically failed to intergrate into wider society, this is it. If these children end up to being unable to speak, read & write English, what will they do when they leave school? Fill in their social security claim forms in some completely incomprehensible language & spend the rest of their lives sponging off the taxpayer?

How to deal with diktats

Every time a multi-agency initiative prioritises its best-practice paradigms and allocates resources to a tranche of strategic procurement, they let down a bucket into our money and splash it about.

Forget getting angry at local government jargon ... get busy stretching necks & other body parts

More on the Mohammedans

Can I commend you to Mr Rodney Little’s excellent article, published in the Sunday Times

Are you at all worried about the check-in procedures at your local airport? That demonstration against the returning British soldiers at Luton has slightly put the wind up me, given that at least one of the furious protesters was an airport baggage handler.

The baggage people are reviewing the employment credentials of the chap in question, apparently. It’s probably a ticklish task, interviewing people for such a post. Are you allowed, these days, to ask prospective baggage handlers if they are ideologically inclined to slip plastic explosives inside decadent Christian people’s luggage?

Today’s sponging gits are…

A family of four with a combined weight of 83 stone say they are "too fat to work" and need more than the £22,000 they currently receive in benefits...

The family from Blackburn claim £22,508 a year in benefits, equivalent to the take-home pay from a £30,000 salary. The Chawners, haven't worked in 11 years, claim their weight is a hereditary condition and the money they receive is insufficient to live on.

I am sorry, but the argument we are fat because we are poor simply doesn’t wash with me – however in the interests of trying to once again saving the taxpayer payer some money, I am prepared, at entirely my own cost, to invite the Chawner family to attend Dr Free Market’s Family Fat Farm where they will be put on his world famous Darfur Diet – it has a 100% success rate because failure means an 0600 appointment on the flensing deck.
These people don’t need more money because they are not on the breadline … they have scoffed that already. Idle work shy b*stards!

The Sandwich Box Stasi or how the Nanny State will lower taxes

It’s not that an all pervasive Nanny State is trying to dictate every aspect of both our & our children’s lives, but…

A primary school has been accused of running a 'mealtime Gestapo' after insisting on inspecting children's lunchboxes for unhealthy food. If pupils are found to have sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks or full-fat crisps, teachers confiscate them and hold them in the staffroom. The snacks are returned at the end of the day but only if parents ask.

Now regular readers might expect me to rile against this latest bout of stupidity but rather like the imposition of University tuition fees, this is one education policy that I wholeheartedly endorse.

However by insisting that children only eat more expensive so-called healthy foods, the offspring of our burgeoning semi-feral chav class will feel more & more marginalised because their parents simply can’t afford to buy the Waitrose fairtrade crunchy fruit platter & a bag of olive oil fried organic vegatables crisps.

This should lead to higher levels of truancy amoung those who are satistically are most likely to be disruptive in class because they will feel 'marginalised', thereby ensuring that decent well behaved children receive at least the very modicome of an education.

Furthermore, now suffering from 'low self esteem', the poor will be plunged into a self destructive downward spiralling fast food fest thereby ensuring that terminal heart disease is just around the corner.

Therefore in the medium to long term, the quality of the state education system should rise from its current lamentably low levels & society will be purged of those who are the greatest burden upon it – so taxes should fall. I come up with policy proposals like that, espcially after a long evening in the pub … but it takes Nu Labour to actually impliment them!

Red Nose Day

Today is Red Nose Red & by billy-o, how I hate it. I hate its premise & I hate the fact that for the last three months, everywhere I look I see an advertisement with Lenny Henry imploring me to “Do Something Funny for Money”. Lenny, the last time I gave money to charity was about the last time you were amusing … so that will be around the mid 1980’s.

Pah!

"How al-Qaeda stoked our Massereene fury"

So let us be honest. When we saw the TV footage of Muslim demonstrators in Luton greeting the returning soldiers as butchers and rapists and cowards, didn't we feel a sudden wash of anger? Didn't we, inside ourselves, hear a voice we recognised as our own cry: “You bastards!”

The people of the town, out on the streets to welcome home the 2nd Battalion Royal Anglian Regiment, clearly did. Their visceral reaction was to turn on the anti-war protesters. There was, for a few minutes, the remarkable sight of the spirit of peaceful, respectable middle-Britain, in its M&S anorak and its sensible shoes, provoked into physical violence.

The scene was brief, but its resonance huge. You can bet that any clever politician who watched will know they witnessed this unassuming, easygoing society of ours reaching the limits of its tolerance. This was the tipping point; the no-go area; the discourtesy too far. You may hate our policies, and disagree with our wars, the people cried, but do not insult our young men and women in uniform.

I make no comment (at the moment). The rest of this excellent article is here

Welcome home to Brown’s multi-cultural inclusive paradise

Muslim extremists shouted abuse at British soldiers during a home-coming march by the 2nd Battalion of the Royal Anglian Regiment. A group of around 20 men in traditional Islamic dress held up banners and placards that read: "Anglian Soldiers Butchers of Basra", "Anglian Soldiers Criminals, Murderers Terrorists" and "Baby killers". As the battalion, which is nicknamed The Poachers, reached Luton Town Hall the small group shouted and yelled "Terrorists" and "Anglian Soliders Go to Hell."

The protestors then had to be protected by police as angry supporters of the soldiers turned on them shouting: "Scum" and "No surrender to the Taliban."

Lord Tebbit was right about his Cricket Test . By way of comparision, the above report was taken from the Torygraph - just look at how the al-BBC reported the same incident. Which word doesn't appear in the BBC's 'version' of events?

Move over Sponge Bob, its Sajad the Sponger

You know that the country has gone spiraling into the abyss. Its run by idiots & overrun by sponging dole moles & illegal immigrants who collectively seem to think that I owe them a living. I console myself with the excessive consumption of excisable liquors & the regular purchase of firearms, large quantities of ammunition & explosives. Oooophs, apologies for that one - did I mention that I now have an Explosives Certificate as well? Yes, slowly but surely the Glorious Day moves closer & closer.

Now as regular readers will know, I am a vociferous advocate of using hangovers to try & blot out the pain to exactly just how bad once-Great Britain has become & when that doesn’t work, I start digging another mass grave in the Lower Paddock. Maybe people are getting fatter but last weeks rather large hole is full already. It is however a small measure of consolation to know that it is now highly unlikely that the local branch of the Liberal Party will send round any more canvassers. In fact, last Saturday night, over a few pints of finest foaming, old Jayfurt was commenting that he hadn’t yet seen any ramblers this spring. I politely agreed, said nothing & desperately avoided eye contact.

Anyway, to get back onto the topic of sponging gits, the prize thus far this week must go to one Sajad Suleman...

Mr Suleman, a father of three who already recieves housing, incapacity & child benefits, has been unemployed since 2005, when he contracted Guillain Barré Syndrome while working as a Union representative. He is now wheelchair bound & has great difficulty in moving his arms & legs. These disabilities haven’t stopped him from suing MI5 for £363,000 after he was turned down out of 1,092 applicants, for a post as a Mobile Surveillance Officer. Only in Brown’s Britain dear readers, only in Brown’s Britain.

Apparently, Sajad the Sponger thinks that the job, "all about observing people or places either on foot or by vehicle" could have been adapted and he could have travelled and tracked targets by train, coach or taxi. & that’s the clue to Mr Saleman’s real disabilty. He wasn’t turned down as he has claimed because he is disabled, Asian, his Union affiliation or that he is a Mohammaden - its because he is an utter utter spastic. I am sure that the Security Services were less concerned about the limp & more concerned that this piece of pondlife limps with his brain.

However, as everyone has a right to their day in court, Hanging Judge Free Market, principal shareholder of the Free Market Hemp Rope Company Ltd, would like to extend to Mr Suleman an invitation to appear before his Bloody Assizes. Whilst it would be completely wrong to anticipate the verdict, this evening I might get the Bobcat out & dig a wheelchair sized hole. Just in case!

Camera conundrums

Of course this really shouldn’t come as any surprise to long suffering stout bulldogs

The lowering of speed limits from 60 mph to 50 mph on some of Britain's roads is likely to be policed by cameras that calculate drivers' average speed, it has been revealed

The burgeoning & increasingly intrusive nanny state having wrapped everyone in cotton wool would rather be indoctrinating our children as to the undoubted delights of sodomy

parents who took their children out of school to prevent them being taught about lesbian, gay and transgender relationships are facing prosecution. Around 30 pupils from an east London primary school were absent from a week of special lessons to highlight non-heterosexual partnerships

& is prepared to resort to the law to crush any dissent. However, to return of the question of yet more piggy banks speed cameras, really it shouldn’t come as any surprise.

If it could i.e. didn’t need all the revenue that they generate, Nanny would take away your car & this is all part of that process. First it was 60 mph, now it will be 50 mph … just for safety sake you understand. How long before it is 40 mph? In fact it must only be a matter of time before the 1865 Locomotives on Highways Act is reintroduced. The act famously situated that all mechanically powers road vehicles must have 3 drivers, not exceed 4 mph on the open road or 2 mph in towns & be preceded by a man on foot waving a red flag to warn the public.

Save for the armed overthrow of the State – remember, regime change begins at home - & not forgetting the wholesale slaughter of the legal profession as well as anyone who works for the Health & Safety Executive (See posts passim: Fantasy Genocide) I like to think of myself as a reasonably law abiding sort of a chap, at least until I end up heading for the clock tower with a selection of firearms, ammunition & a packed lunch. However if Nanny is going for festoon the country with even more speed cameras I commend to you all that they shouldn’t be regarded as the latest intrusion into our lives, so much as a recreational opportunity.

Think about it, the permutations of fun will be endless

More PETA fun

Ricky Gervais, Pink and Stella McCartney join PETA campaign in Paris ... so Ricky, Stella & Pink (who or whatever you are), this one is for you

as is this one

which incidentally is available from our retailer of the moment Bear Skin World for a paltry $ 7,995.00

A Labour MP telling the truth? Whatever next!

When Carolyn was in hospital, having just delivered us of wee Reggie, a very young girl in the bed opposite was also celebrating the arrival of her newborn. As was her proud father, who made great play to anyone who might have been listening (me) of how proud he was of his daughter. She was, I guess, about 16.

I’m a Labour MP, so some will undoubtedly be surprised, and shocked that I’m writing this. But I can no longer pretend that the army of teenage mothers living off the state is anything other than a national catastrophe.

Of course, despite this uncharacteristic honesty from the government benches, the Labour Party & indeed the wider Westminster Village is in complete denial about the only solution to the problems that these people cause – withdraw all social security payments immediately.

Why the hell should I have to pay for their lifestyle choices? Trust me when I say that I don’t care if these people end up destitute on the street. I ask no one to subsidise the way that I live my life & quite why the government thinks that I should want to contribute to these spongers is the reason that come the Glorious Day, the gallows will be busy disposing of our political overlords.

Piffle & tosh

I know that I might be opening myself up to unfair of being a deeply jaundiced & cynical individual, but to my mind, this sort of thing sums up a great deal of what is wrong with dear Blighty

A British team has begun a grueling trek to the North Pole to discover how quickly the Arctic sea-ice is melting. Renowned Arctic explorer Pen Hadow and two companions were dropped onto the ice by plane 500 miles off the northern coast of Canada on Saturday. During their journey they plan to take measurements of the thickness of the ice. It will be the most detailed survey of its kind this season, and should be completed in late May.

Now Pen Hadow was a pretty sensible sort of a fellow in so far as anyone in that particular line of work retains full use of their senses or toes & fingers come to that.

However in emasculated carbon neutral fairtrade Britain, it would appear that you cant even take your favorite husky for an evening stroll without it having to be part of a larger ‘environmental mission’. If you are going to go to the North Pole, at least do something useful like shoot polar bears, drown some baby penguins or club a few brace of seals pups to death.

In happier times, our explorers were dispatched to the ends of the earth to discover new lands, peoples & to ascertain whether these countries were worth subjugating prior to being looted four ways before breakfast & also before the Colonial Office had to colour another part of the globe red. Nothing wrong with any of that.

Indeed, I wouldn’t be quite so exercised if the intrepid Mr Hadow were going to do something a little more useful than see if the ice is thick enough to go skating on. But consider this: no matter which way you cut it, the only use that we have found for the entire Arctic Ice Sheet is to hide nuclear submarines underneath it. Period. So what if it melts & parts of the Indian sub-continent are consumed by rising sea levels – it will that we won’t have to endure another bleating BBC new report about the latest Bangladeshi famine & listen to Bone-o, resplendent in increasingly absurd sunglasses, lecturing us. Again.

Fat chavs

I love this story on so many levels...

An insurance report in which a car crash victim was described – and drawn – as a "free-loading fat chav" has emerged onto the internet

The humorous account was submitted by the man accused of causing the accident in frustration at what he saw as the other driver's exaggerated compensation claim. In his written report, James Edwards admitted that he nudged the woman's bumper after she stalled at traffic lights, but insisted she was not hurt.

The form was submitted to the insurer AIG but was leaked on to the internet, where it has been spreading by email. The full text of Mr Edwards's report read: "I was stopped at traffic lights. The lights changed. Mrs Pywell started to move and then stopped (stalled). I had just started to pull away and then broke. As i stopped I very slightly touched the rear bumper of the car in front. We each got out. There was no damage and Miss Pywell is a fat chav who definitely does not have whiplash."

Given that once Great Britain is now overrun with fat freeloading chavs, maybe indeed it is Mr Edwards who should be censured for not hitting Miss Pywell’s car at greater speed, finishing her off & doing society as a whole, a great big fat favour

Slumdog fatigue

So the archetypal stupid gobby chav married Gary Wrong of whatever the hell his name is – I would rather take a pair of bolt croppers to my toes than submit myself screaming to having to watch or read any of the media coverage. In fact I am possibly not alone in hoping the consistently ghastly Jade Goody soon dies from her apparently terminal cancer: Not only would this be a victory for good taste & decorum, despite the fact that she has whelped twice, her untimely demise would limit further damage to the gene pool. Now that I come to think of it, given that she is the bastard progeny of a reality TV series, we could televise her death in HD & all hold a party to celebrate both the ‘final episode’, consoling ourselves that there is thankfully very little chance of a second season. In fact that is such a good idea that today I shall write to her snake like publicist Max Clifford & offer my services as a cameraman for the extreme close up terminal breath scene…just to be very very certain.

Then on Sunday night there was another one of Kate Whats-her-name’s acceptance speeches …all very miss-able along with every other celebraty sob-a-thon which so singularly failed to raise a flicker of interest in your humble correspondent that he spent the evening researching telescopic rifle sights. A worthy enterprise in my opinion. However judging for just about every newspaper that I have opened this week it would appear that a feel good flick about some Indians won some award or other

Hit British film Slumdog Millionaire has won the top prize at the Academy Awards, winning eight Oscars including best director and best picture.

Well isn’t that just fine & dandy. Simpering liberals can now all get back into their limos & go home feeling a little better about themselves & mainstream media talking heads, in crowing tones, can harp on about how this could never have happened under a Bush administration & it is only probably only because of Obama’s direct intervention that such a (cough cough) masterpiece has been so rightly recognized … like I should care, which incidentally I don’t, in any way shape or form.

Italians design sportscars that that can lead to a native uprising in the nether regions, Johnny Argy turns out the best polo players, & Indians live in squalor. They will also continue to do so in very much the same manner as I shall continue not to give a monkeys about their ‘plight’ just as long as my takeaway curry is ready when the Star of India restaurant said it would be.

If I want to watch a feel good film about India, I will watch North West Frontier again & fantasize about the redoubtable Captain Scott, played with perfect abloom by Kenneth More, ordering his Havildar to turn a Maxim gun on the entire audience at the Academy Awards. Now that would be worth watching. The nobilty of the slums my a*se

Another little angel is returned to sender

A British resident detained at Guantanamo Bay for more than four years has said he is "extraordinarily happy to be home" in the UK. Ethiopian-born Binyam Mohamed, 30, was released on Monday afternoon after he landed at RAF Northolt in London and underwent questioning by police. Mr Mohamed says he was tortured while in custody on suspicion of terrorism.

Sorry, but I simply can’t be bothered to dissect the issues around this case, instead I might well be ordering myself one of these…

Tom Utley is getting a little exercised…

My idea of heaven on Earth is the English country pub, the most potent symbol of everything I love about this sceptred isle. Ideally, it should be at least a couple of centuries old, with low ceilings and gnarled oak beams. On winter evenings, it should have a blazing log fire in the grate, with a couple of labradors stretched out on the hearth ('just taking the dog for a walk, dear').

but now, Nu-Labour, having stopped us smoking in pubs, are now taking the next step towards stopping us drinking in our local

For rank hypocrisy, look no further than the Government's inconceivable decision to make it a criminal offence - punishable with a jail term of up to 10 years - to take a picture of a oliceman. Everywhere we go, the police - under instruction from Ministers - are watching our every move.

Police are even beginning to insist that pubs - as a condition of being granted a licence - install CCTV cameras to watch their regulars having a drink. Indeed, some pubs are even being told to ban their customers from wearing hats, in case it makes identification by these cameras more difficult

Recall if you will dear readers that next door to our local is our local rifle range & after shooting a couple of cards, The Englishman & your humble correspondent usually pop in for a couple of sharpeners. Not wanting to leave unattended weapons in a car, rifles are propped up in the corner of the bar. Neither the landlord nor other regulars give it a second though. During the season, on any given Friday or Saturday evening, there will be a group of stout bulldogs enjoying a few pints of finest foaming after a days shooting. Needless to say, their shotguns will be similarly stacked up in the corner.

Now consider this … in a state for refreshment your beer blearly eye comes to rest on a police CCTV camera & you still have a couple of No.6 carridges in your pocket. I don’t think that you need me to spell out the solution to this latest piece of Nu-Labour prefidery.

True colours

Unacceptable in the UK:

A Dutch MP who called the Koran a "fascist book" has been sent back to the Netherlands after attempting to defy a ban on entering the UK. Freedom Party MP Geert Wilders had been invited to show his controversial film - which links the Islamic holy book to terrorism ...

Mr Brown's spokesman said the prime minister "fully supports the decision" taken by Home Secretary Jacqui Smith...

Foreign Secretary David Miliband told the BBC's Hardtalk: "The home secretary made a decision on an individual case as she is required to do." He added that the film contained "extreme anti-Muslim hate and we have very clear laws in this country".

Mr Miliband also said: "We have profound commitment to freedom of speech but there is no freedom to cry 'fire' in a crowded theatre and there is no freedom to stir up hate, religious and racial hatred, according to the laws of the land..."

Cabinet Office minister Liam Byrne said, on BBC One's Question Time: "This guy wasn't coming here to exercise his right of free speech. This guy was trying to come here in order to sow division between us in this country. "Everything I've heard about this guy tells me he's a bigot and the right place for him is to stay at home..."

Acceptable in the UK:

Todays Man of the Day is...

the late Doctor Adrian Rogers, three times President of the Southern Baptist Convention

& is pointed out to us by Gweilicus & Bashing Bambi. Not only was the late Dr Rogers spot on with his comments on the destructive nature of the re-distribution of wealth through taxation

You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

he was pretty sound of other social issues as well...

According to one author, the pastor once responded to a question about biblical references in support of slavery during biblical times by saying, "I feel slavery is a much maligned institution. If we had slavery today we would not have such a welfare problem."

Carolgate goes on & on

I am probably not alone in long having passed the point where I care about what it is that Carol Thatcher did or did not say …

The Carol Thatcher race row intensified today as attention centred on who leaked her "golliwog" remark. Her agent pointed the finger at a member of the production team on BBC's The One Show and suggested that it was part of a vendetta against Baroness Thatcher's daughter.

However, I will put my hand up & say I was wrong the other day. Thatcher didn’t use the enormously offensive & pejorative G-word on-air It would appear that she used the despicable G-word in a private conversation after the show. Of course this hasn’t stopped all the usual suspects taking offense quicker than the Mohammedans scream blue murder at the very mention of a bacon sandwich. Anyway, as I said at the top of the page I really don’t give a stuff & completely fail to comprehend quite why the professionally aggrieved feel so aggrieved by the term golliwog.

Some helpful advice from that nice Mr. Pierrepoint

Come the Glorious Day, we will certainly be using some of Mr. Pierrepoint Jnr's tried & tested techniques

Rell Bull gives you wings

Literally!

A student who died on a nightclub dancefloor in front of friends suffered a heart condition that may have been triggered by caffeine in the Red Bull she had been drinking, an inquest heard.

If you must drink that muck, it is no surprise that you have to suffer the consequences. Sad though Chloe Leach’s death may be, the really concerning part of the report is that Miss Leach was top of her class of 90 at the University of Lincoln, all of whom it would appear are studying social work.

Does social work now merit a university course? Shall I drive up to Lincoln this afternoon with a case of vodka & a few slabs of Red Bull for the rest of the class to consume?

Just a thought you understand, because what I am trying to figure out is why exactly this country might need another 90 social workers

& now she is in trouble

Naughty naughty Carol. Bad Carol. Carol used a word the isn’t allowed any more. Carol said golliwog on air

Carol Thatcher, the daughter of the former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, is facing a possible ban from the BBC after referring to a tennis player as “a golliwog”.

The BBC might not like us to use traditional terminology. The BBC thinks that the word golliwog is doubleplusungood. Therefore in accordance with the diktats from the Ministry of Truth, we will no longer use the old English word golliwog & hereafter refer to all golliwogs as stills (see posts passim)

Jonathan Porritt: Its time for the long drop

I suppose that it was only a matter of time before it came to this

Couples who have more than two children are being “irresponsible” by creating an unbearable burden on the environment, the government’s green adviser has warned. Jonathon Porritt, who chairs the government’s Sustainable Development Commission, says curbing population growth through contraception and abortion must be at the heart of policies to fight global warming. He says political leaders and green campaigners should stop dodging the issue of environmental harm caused by an expanding population

So what does that mean exactly? We will need a government licence for have more than two children? Mandatory abortions for all women carrying a third child?

“I am unapologetic about asking people to connect up their own responsibility for their total environmental footprint and how they decide to procreate and how many children they think are appropriate,” Porritt said.

Strange as it may seem, I am in agreement with the ever miserable Porritt on this point – I want to be able to take responsibily for my family’s actions. I certainly don’t need the environmental lobby to worry for me – yep, I’m alright Jack … or Jonathan (as the case may be). The number of children that I decide to have is between me & Mrs FM. It is absolutely no business of the government nor the chairman of its Sustainable Development Commission.

“I think we will work our way towards a position that says that having more than two children is irresponsible."

However, perhaps we could start to look at an off-set policy to manage the carbon footprint of our families – before you can have a child, you have to hang one of these faux-environmentalists thereby ensuring equlibrium in maintained. That way, the Papists & Mormons will have strung up the entire membership of Greenpeace by the end of the month. Result? I definitely think so, just as long as Family FM get to stretch Porritt’s neck. Oh yes, he’s mine!

My name is Mr Free Market & I endorse these traffic proposals

Cyclists will be allowed to ride the wrong way up one-way streets in the City in a new scheme to encourage more people to ride to work in the Square Mile. The Corporation of London has agreed permission to allow cyclists to ride against the traffic in seven streets in a £45,000 project beginning in early summer.

Now I want to be really really clear here, according to the Corporation’s, chairwoman of the Planning and Transportation Committee, Christine Mackenzie Cohen

"This project has two main benefits: safety and convenience. It will make cycling in the City safer by enabling cyclists to avoid busy streets."

So sending cyclists the wrong way down a one way street into the face of on-coming traffic is going to make things safer??

This woman is wasted working for the Corporation - she should be running an investment bank! But wait, better still…

If the plan proves popular - and safe - city chiefs said today that it could be expanded to other areas.

Fantastic, I’m going to get an f-off sized Paddy pusher bolted onto the front of Larry Landrover & congestion charge be damned, we are off to the Square Mile – yeeehaaawww!

I am a big enough man to admit that sometimes (just sometimes) I am wrong

& not all Welshmen are troglodyte sheep shaggers. Yesterday Kim quite correctly pointed out the error of my ways & that we should all be mourning the passing of Sir Dai Llewellyn

Llewellyn by name, Llewellyn by nature...

Paul Callan, the journalist, recalled: 'He told me about a hilarious episode of having three debs in a bed, each of whom he was happily servicing, while a Mexican band stood naked around the bed serenading them.'

Sir Dai told such stories with a gusto that was infectious. He would never get up in the morning planning to make love to three women, he would say, adding 'but if it happened, it happened'.

& I am sure that every single last one of you would like to be remembered thus

The Seducer of the Valleys dies after riotous life of wine and women

Read, enjoy & rue his passing – the World has just become a little duller

Social Mobility

I feel that we have probably just about done Pakigate & Sooties to death this week. Indeed anymore discussion might well be considered an attempt to stir up racial hatred which regardless of matters of taste, is a crime & crime is something that coloured people do, not nice white boys. Therefore we will move on & turn our attention to the latest hot topic in Westminster: not that the country is completely bankrupt but social mobility. Yes, that little chestnut seems to be back on to the agenda (again).

Now your correspondent would like to humbly opine that there is already far too much social mobility & even a cursory glace at the statistics shows that plenty of chavs already go to university … just about every time anyone leaves a window open! Yet our perfidious MPs seem much exercised by the burgeoning feral underclass that would far rather live in a council flat spending all day watching the footie on Sky Sports rather than receive a taxpayer funded complimentary education.

I however can only see a wider benefit to society of keeping these people semi-literate – if all you are going to do with your life is be a till tart, why does the taxpayer need to go the expense of teaching them to calculate straight line amortisation curve? Let’s be honest, you don’t need to have a mastered Latin declinations to clean lavatories for the Council. Sorry, not everybody can be or even needs to be a vet.

I spend a large portion of my disposable income educating my offspring. Having gone to all that trouble, I am mortified at the prospect that Daughter might end up sitting next to a poor person in a University refectory. Those sorts of people all have skin diseases & such lousy table manners. In fact I would go as far to say that unlike your average battery, the poor simply don’t have a positive side.

It is in all of our interests to ensure keep anyone with a TK Maxx store card or who uses a bus shelter for protection during sex, down on the council estate. Give ‘em an education & they will start to get ideas above their station. That only causes trouble. Much better that they are kept in a state of blissful ignorance because only then will they remain stupid enough to keep returning Labour governments to Parliament

More on Pakigate

Sadly we have to report yet another example of why we should have as little as possible to do with the porridge wogs…

A young woman was left with serious facial injuries after an allegedly anti-English attack in Aberdeen. Lucy Newman, 22, of Gourdon, near Inverbervie, was attacked close to the Trinity Centre on Union Street in the early hours of Saturday.

She told BBC Scotland a man made racial remarks relating to her English accent before punching her in the face.

Prince Harry refers to someone as a Paki & the we are nearly deafened by the gnashing of teeth & lamentations from the media: Some poor woman is abused for being English & is then beaten half senseless by a drunken Scotsman – it will pass without notice I guarantee you. Field Marshal Wade knew how to deal with the Scots & what was good for them then, is good for them now.

& BTW, yes ... Scotland should have complete independence. All those Scottish socialist MPs can be kicked out of Westminster or face the noose. We can then stop ALL of the subsidies, rebuild Hadrian’s Wall & trade with them at tightly controlled crossing points

The P-Word

Back in November, your humble correspondent published this picture

& went on to make the following comment

The photograph appeared on the front page of The Sun a few months ago. Clearly referring to people as ‘Pakis’ is impolite & I used the word impolite deliberately & in preference to ‘offensive’ because just about half the contents of the Oxford Shorter English Dictionary are found to be offensive by someone or other these days.

Here we are a couple of months on & half a rainforest is being devoted to Pakigate

Over the years, attitudes to racial abuse have, rightly, hardened. What was considered a generation ago as merely jocular, old-fashioned or mildly unkind is now seen as deeply offensive. Partly this is because Britain has become more truly multicultural and sensitive to the dangers of prejudice. Partly it is because race, despite vast improvements in integration, understanding and social cohesion, remains a dividing factor that is easily exploited by bigots and demagogues.

Now I fully agree that you shouldn’t go around calling people “Pakis”, not because some people find it offensive but as racial slurs go, Paki-bashing is … well its just so 1970’s. Completely passe. Why waste time abusing Pakis went you time can be better spent hurling racial taunts at those who really deserve them … like the Mohammedans or the Welsh

Sod the planet, it will see me out

Making two internet searches through Google produces about the same amount of carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle, it has been estimated.

This is why tonight dear readers, I have enough searches currently running to produce the same amount of carbon dioxide as driving a Range Rover. What fun! I can now destroy the rainforest from the sofa of sloth. Global warmists watch out: If we're not doomed yet, we soon will be if I have anything to do with it

He said what?

Shortly after the Falklands War, Toms garrisoning the Islands were ordered to stop referring to the locals as "Bennies" (a reference to the fashion sense of Crossroads character Benny Hawkins).

In typical style & in very very short order, soldiers began referring to the islanders as "Stills", as they were "Still Bennies". In the light of the recent red top brouhaha...

Prince [Harry] issued an apology after the News of the World published a video diary in which he [refers to] one of his then Sandhurst colleagues a "Paki"

...does this now mean that we now have to refer to "Pakis" as "Stills"? & come to think of it, what about the Bog Wogs, Nips, Abbos, Cloggies, Chinks, Jocks, Frogs, Taffs, Huns, Dagos, Seppos, Red Sea Pedestrians, Dinks, Spics, Fenians, Camel Jockeys, Sheep Shaggers, Curry-Munchers, Jaapies, Polacks etc etc etc etc ad infinitum? Can we take it that they are all “Stills” as well?

The Vocal Yokel: "Not a Notting Hill Tory"

This morning, we start with Robin Page, he of One Man & His Dog fame.

He is described by the liberal left MSM luvvvvvies as

a tireless political demagogue who inveighs against gays, Muslims, Brussels and the Brixton carnival

so not a bad bloke then. Indeed a quick shufti through the redoubtable Mr Page’s back catalogue reveals little nuggets such as

Speaking at a Countryside Alliance demonstration at the 1999 Labour Party conference, he claimed Blair had "the same animal welfare policies as Adolf Hitler"

&

"There are minorities in Britain that have their rights respected, such as gays and Muslims, but if you are a countryman who chases a fox (which I'm not) your rights are not protected. I'm not criticising gays or Muslims, I'm just lamenting the fact that I haven't got the same civil liberties as they've got."

After giving the same speech at a country fair in Gloucestershire he was arrested for saying

"If you are a black, vegetarian, Muslim, asylum-seeking, one-legged lesbian lorry driver, I want the same rights as you."

The excuse that the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit gave was that he was under suspicion of stirring up racial hatred. Utimately Page received £2,000 compensation from Gloucestershire Police for wrongful arrest and detention.

Anyway, back to the man himself & his money quote for this weekend...

For those people who are "global warmists" my diesel consumption should be applauded. Global warming and sea level rise mean only one thing: the House of Commons will be flooded first. Wonderful. The only person who would clearly survive such an event would be Gormless Gordon. Am I the only person irritated by the way he gulps air? I wonder if he has been genetically modified with the genes of a goldfish?

& he now has his own blog. Probably worth keeping an eye on.

Eternal damnation? No, this is the No.14 to Clapham Common

Hello, nice to see you all again. As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Goodevening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Sometimes I think I might be an atheist, possibly agnostic but mainly I am hungover. However this morning dear readers it would seem that the disciples of Dawkins will not be denied.

Atheist adverts declaring that "there's probably no God" have been placed on 800 buses around Britain after an unprecedented fundraising campaign

On the other hand, British Humanist Association might be catastrophically wrong in which case it is well worth recalling Rowan Atkinson’s ‘Devil’s Sketch’ from which the quote at the top of the post is taken. As the Devil, or Toby as he likes to be known, starts to conclude his welcome address & divide up Hell’s latest guests, he asks

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

A public health service that the World is envious of

More than 3,000 hospital patients have died because of errors by NHS staff in England over the past year, figures show

However there is some comfort out there…

Hospitals reported 3,645 deaths in 2007-8 from patient safety incidents …the figure included those relating to problems with scans and tests and hospital infections. It represents a 60% rise in the last two years, but experts said it was due to better reporting not worsening care.

So despite the zillions of pounds that we spunk away on the public health service, it isn’t reducing the rate at which at which it kills patients, they are just getting better at taking the body count!

So while all of this is going on, the Department of Health clearly has its priorities in order & has time to worry about this sort of thing…

Hospitals in England should allow a more liberal use of mobile phones where they do not interfere with equipment or privacy, the government has said.

A spokeswoman said the new guidance was less prescriptive to "convey the Department's aspiration of more liberal use of mobile phones in hospitals."

Eh? Looks like it is time to get the gibbet ready for the first customers of the New Year

"Its a poncy, twatty thing to do" - Mrs FM

Morris dancing could be "extinct" within 20 years because young people are too embarrassed to take part, a UK Morris association has warned

Good ! In fact I would most humbly like to suggest that it isn’t that “young people are too embarrassed to take part” that Morris dancing is dying out: its because most Morris dancers look like a cross between that uber liberal fool, the Archbishop of Canterbury & a bunch of paedophiles. If you don’t believe me can anyone explain exactly how this sort of thing...

... constitutes normal behaviour. No? I didn’t think so.

P.S. & please all of you promise that you can keep a little secret but …

... Mrs FM has some cousins that are keen Morris dancers. I should add that we haven’t seen them in 11 years (thankfully), but I suppose that every family needs skeletons in the cupboard aside from the bodies that are buried in the lower paddock.

A dog’s life

Cousin Bird Dog allows his dog onto the sofa, something that if the Labradors of Libertarianism ever tried, would cause Mrs FM to rain hell & damnation down upon them. Such behaviour these days would almost certainly culminate in a court appearance as events at Sandringham over Christmas go to show

The Earl of Wessex has found himself at the centre of an animal cruelty row after being captured on film raising his stick to one of his dogs during a pheasant shoot

An RSPCA inspector is to examine the images, taken by a photographer at Sandringham, Norfolk, on Saturday, to determine whether the animals were subjected to "unnecessary suffering".

Needless to say, there was no way that I could resist this which is why this evening your humble correspondent has written to the RSPCA asking them to investigate today’s offences…

Dear Sir

Mr Free Market

As this is increasingly absurd Britain, no doubt incarceration awaits me

How do you tell a baby seal from a baby walrus?

… by the club marks on its head

An emergency ban on the shooting of common seals is needed claims Green Party MSP Robin Harper. Now strange as it may seem, for once dear readers I find myself agreeing not only with a Jock but agreeing with a member of the Greeny Party to boot.

After all, why shoot seals when you can club 'em?

Do you have any idea how expensive centrefire ammuntion is?

Aren't we in a recession & need to watch the pennies?

Truscott, my cudgel please. The one I normally reserve for busybody Traffic Wardens

Don't tell Al or Leo

They are not usually the first to spring to mind when a spot of weather forecasting is required but it appears the nation's stoats may know something the Met Office doesn't. In the grounds of a ruined 600-year-old priory in North Yorkshire, the fur of the stoats has turned from brown to white much earlier than usual.

Maybe its worth popping down to the bookies & put a fiver on it being a white Christmas? Rest assured I will be checking the traps & snares out around the farm to see if we kill any little cute white ones

Talent shows & Humayra Abedin

Jaundiced though I might be, Jack “man of” Straw has just spunked away £120 million of the taxpayers money getting his offices refurbished & the only issue that the MSM really seems interested in covering is which social misfit won Who Wants To Be Britain’s Big Brother Got Strictly Come X Factor or what ever these lack of talent shows are called.

& now as the media starts to trumpet allegations of ballot rigging on a positively Zimbabwean scale, it behoves me confess that over the weekend, even I, Mr Miserable, did consider voting. However when the time came to make that £50 non-refundable phone call, I couldn’t find a choice entitled 0845-All-The-Contestants-Get-Clubbed-To-Death. Consequently I was forced to cast all medical commonsense to the wind & break out a bottle of sloe port in a vainglorious attempt to numb myself to the whole ghastly spectacle. Come the Glorious Day rest assured that anyone has ever been involved in the production of this sort of programme is going to get some strips torn off them … not in the office …but down on the flensing deck.

Then of course there was the joyous news about some Doris who got committed to a loony bin by her father because her boyfriend wasn’t an alter boy down at the Shine of the Great Golden Dung Beetle …or something equally absurd. Certainly listening to the news reports, a number of TV talking heads seem to be getting more excited than your average Greek anarchist upon hearing the news that the cost of petrol is coming down. I have to confess that Boy hit the whole issue on the head with the same sort of accuracy that he guns down fluffy bunnies in the paddock, when shaking his head he exclaimed “…but she’s not even British”.

That dear readers is the crux of the matter. This Doris isn’t one of Her Majesty’s subjects & yet our increasingly interventionist legal profession couldn’t help but stick its Gaullist sized nose into another country’s business.

The High Court in London has issued an injunction under the new Forced Marriage Act demanding she be allowed to return to Britain.

Of course dear readers, who is British & who isn’t is something of moot point these days but setting all of that aside for a moment, to my mind, this Doris isn’t one Her Majesty’s subjects & indeed if what little geography I learned at school serves me correctly, she seems to hark from a long way east of Suez. So quite what goes on in Bangladesh has got to do with m’learned friends & just about every wimmins rights activist on your deathlist, leaves me once again, somewhat befuddled & frankly rather drunk.

Woman told to remove Christmas lights to avoid offending non-Christian neighbours

A woman was told to remove her Christmas lights by a housing association worker in case they offended non-Christian neighbours

Dorothy Glenn decorates her home in South Shields, Tyne and Wear, with hundreds of festive lights every year, including a giant tree and a 4ft Santa Claus. But this year she was astonished when an employee of South Tyneside Homes called at her house and informed her that the decorations she was displaying might be offending her neighbours

A Merry Christmas to one & all... but saying that will probably get me into just as much trouble

Giz a job

I seem to recall reading over the last couple of days that Minister Jerry Bumfluff-Bland is trying to cut up a little rough with our legion of social security scroungers & force them to get jobs. (Cue cries of Bob Hope … No Hope etc etc) Statements like this, have the same ring of integrity about them as Peter “the Orangeman” Hain or Jack “man of” Straw calling for the resignation of Beatings Mugawbe. However as the storm clouds gather over the jobs market, I thought that I would do a little research this evening to see what sort of jobs really are out there.

So that this survey does not contain any institutional bias, my primary source information is the jobs section in yesterdays Gruniard & in no particular order, the following are a selection of positions currently vacant…

Surrey County Council – Assistant Service Manager (Transformation) - £52,638 to £63,189

Leeds Involvement Project – Involvement Worker (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Disabled People) - £24,331

Come to think of it, if those are the sorts of jobs that are currently available, I too might have to sit at home claiming dole

5 before 9

1. The open display of tobacco in shops is to be banned in England, the government is expected to announce later

In effect, they want to ban the sale of tobacco from shops. This should come as no surprise given that Nu Labour seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to ban the sale of alcohol in pubs

2. A trial version of the first virtual world aimed at the Muslim community has been launched. Called Muxlim Pal, it allows Muslims to look after a cartoon avatar that inhabits the virtual world. Based loosely on other virtual worlds such as The Sims, Muxlim Pal lets members customise the look of their avatar and its private room. Aimed at Muslims in Western nations, Muxlim Pal's creators hope it will also foster understanding among non-Muslims.

Excellent. Will women characters have to wear black sacks? Will there be a jihad function? Is there a Sharia Law preset? Can we have suicide bomber characters?

3. Women are more skilled than men at assembling flatpack furniture, according to a female boss at furniture store Ikea

Wonderful. Now you have an excuse for leaving it to the Mrs to build that sturdy new Ikea shelf unit

4. More than £2 billion a year is lost through tax evasion

Good

5. The alleged mastermind of the September 11 attacks and four co-defendants last night confessed to murdering nearly 3,000 people in America's worst terrorist atrocity. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed stunned a pre-trial hearing in Guantanamo Bay by declaring that he and his alleged accomplices plan to plead guilty. All five demanded an 'immediate' court session to announce their full confessions

More good news. Time to start oiling that rope. Looks like it will be needed sooner than expected.

Police and the State & the Police State

From Philip Johnston & its enough to make any stout bulldog weap...

When three police officers came knocking at Brett Duxfield's door at 8am, he could not imagine what he had done wrong. The 39-year-old Hartlepool lorry driver was arrested, taken to the police station, questioned and kept in the cells for 10 hours. His alleged crime? Lighting a bonfire on the village green in Elwick, where he used to live. On Bonfire Night.

It turned out that this breached an ancient, but recently revived, by-law. So he was charged with arson, for which the maximum penalty is life in prison.

Or a dozen more, attached to the anti-terrorist command, to invade the offices and property of an MP - or anyone else - without obtaining a warrant, in the investigation of what was pretty obviously a disciplinary rather than a criminal matter?

The full piece is here

Brand, Ross & Carr

As if we needed further proof of just exactly how far the luvvies have become detached from not only society in general, but also society’s mores

Controversial comedian Russell Brand has won the best live stand-up award at the British Comedy Awards. Brand took the prestigious title in the wake of the row over the prank calls he and TV host Jonathan Ross made to actor Andrew Sachs on Brand's Radio 2 show. Brand resigned from the BBC following the incident and Ross was suspended from all BBC duties for 12 weeks. Accepting his award from Adam Sandler in LA, Brand said: "I would like to dedicate this award to Jonathan Ross."

But needless to say, there is this as well…

Comedian Alan Carr has apologised for dedicating a comedy award to kidnapper Karen Matthews.

Everytime that I read about the antics of these so-called TV stars, I am gripped by the urge to track them down & administer a sound kick in the balls. After all, hoofing their nads into the middle of next week wouldn't be assault …think on it more as edgy comtemporary performance art. I have no doubt that Ross, Brand & Carr would agree once they were capable of talking again.

& now the celeb divorce news

As Gweilicus pointed out to me the other day, when Madonna first moved to the UK she said she wanted to feel more British. Now, she is a single parent with three children, all of whom have different fathers

Job done

Yeah right!

An opinion poll in 11 countries has produced what organisers term a "global mandate" for action on climate change. About half of the respondents wanted governments to play a major role in curbing emissions, but only a quarter said their leaders were doing enough. In developing countries, a majority of people were prepared to make "lifestyle changes" to reduce climate change.

Errrrrrr no! What this should read is that a bunch of environmental activists have made up some numbers & are now claiming some higher moral authority to impose there unproven beliefs upon us all. In fact it is one of lifes great & enduring injustices that I have never had the privilege of meeting one of the individuals undertaking this polling because then I would be able to post pictures of the hapless idiot that requires reconstructive surgery on his jacksee because I had shoved his clipboard up his ar*e

Over the weekend Bri