FREE MARKET FAIRY TALES

Now, just to stir things up a little

From Reader TS...

The decline of once-great Britain and the rest of the West has been accelerated immensely by female suffrage. If only 30-50% of males are either intelligent enough or informed enough to have the vote, that number is more like 10% for women

90% of women have no interest whatsoever in public policy

And women are natural tyrants (just ask Shakespeare) who invent nothing, don't build businesses, and, are not driven to achieve concrete goals related to the physical world

Women value security, i.e. safety and material wealth, over liberty by a massive margin, and they will always vote for the Type A male who promises to keep them safe and secure - in the present. Not being blessed with much facility for abstract thought, the female voter cannot fathom the concept of unintended consequences and long-term ramifications of soft-headed policies to ensure "security" (i.e. primarily state-provision of welfare/housing/healthcare, etc.)

Your red-headed harridan is typical of the tyrannical female politician who is at the forefront in every Western political class, and the judiciary. Your liberty means nothing to her, as she does not value her own

Until the spineless males of Western society face this fact, the West will continue to decline, and weaken

n.b. I am not suggesting that some large number of women are not capable of both being in business and acting responsibly in office, but this cohort will also benefit from having the vote taken away from women. Men will vote for a sensible woman in larger numbers, I would bet, than will women. I would also guess that some very large percentage of women, once barred from voting, would be quite relieved to not have to pretend to care about the process

I'm curious to know what the reaction of a classical liberal will be to the suggestion that liberalism cannot co-exist with female suffrage

I leave it to you dear readers to debate this one, I’m going to bed…!

Happy Birthday

Yes he might well be as mad as a fish, but on a historic point of order, a lot of our Royal Family have been. Prince Charles is a tireless public campaigner on a wide range of issues & enjoys hunting, shooting & fishing. He is a net contributor to the public purse & in recent months, one of his sons has been seen active service. The same cannot be said of any of our politicians

Continuing todays regal theme

Continuing todays regal theme, The Monarchist spotted this piece…

If there were Lunatic Asylums for Institutions, I have no doubt that ‘Megalomanic’ British Monarchy would have been sectioned, straight jacketed and incarcerated ages ago! The repellent tentacles of this rabid military backed British monster has, unopposed, plundered and polluted defenceless countries for centuries. This was evident during the merciless colonising and violent intervention of a voracious crusading Monarchical Britain, at a time when maps extolling British Empire pink showed wide subjugation of much of the world

This rabid military backed British monster has, unopposed, plundered and polluted defenceless countries…...?

Maps extolling British Empire pink showed wide subjugation of much of the world......?

Ah, happier times indeed !

How do you say schadenfreude in Farsi?

I suppose that it is inevitable that I get sent quite a few links but today’s from Reader THW is not only highly topical because there is a lot of speculation about how The Chosen One is going to engage with Tehran but also because it deals with wider issues about Iranian society.

A lot has been written by the pro-Islamofascists about the triumph for their (cough cough) society when it comes to law & order – neatly forgetting the fact that you can get your legs cut off for jaywalking. & if you were to even look at one of those black blobs that is supposed to constitute a woman…!!?!

In Iran for example the regime has made huge efforts to tackle corruption in recent months as well as arresting young men & women for illicit relationships or not respecting the Islamic dress code. At the forefront of this effort has been Tehran police chief Reza Zarei who has championed the moralisation of the city

Zarei led the modesty crackdown on women in Tehran where an unspecified number of the women taken into custody were also forced to undergo psychological counseling. Since the drive began police in his region have handed out 113,454 warnings to women found to have infringed Iran's strict Islamic dress rules. "Of these 1,600 cases have been given to the judiciary" for further investigation, he said. He added that 5,700 people -- including 1,400 men -- have been sent to "guidance classes" on how to behave in society

Now this is all well, good & predictably Islamic right up until

Tehran's police chief, Reza Zarei, has been arrested after he was found nude in a local brothel with six naked prostitutes, according to report on the Iranian Farda News Agency (Link warning: NWS)

Doh!

However it gets just a little bit better as it seems that our errant policeman enjoyed a little roleplay…

Revolutionary Guard General Reza Zare'i, the Commander of the Police for Greater Tehran had been arrested three weeks ago enjoying the company of six completely nude women parading in a house he had rented ", the websites reported, adding that the women had told agents that the General had told them to take all their dresses and pray completely nude".

So let me see here, top cop Mr Moral gets caught with 6 hookers? Maybe the liberals are right after all & the Iranians are just like us … well at least their top policemen are just as hypocritical as ours. How very very Islamic

Of names, Taffies & badgers?

The above photograph appeared on the front page of The Sun a few months ago. Clearly referring to people as ‘Pakis’ is impolite & I used the word impolite deliberately & in preference to ‘offensive’ because just about half the contents of the Oxford Shorter English Dictionary are found to be offensive by someone or other these days.

I seem to recall through the mists of this mornings hangover that local council telly tubbies were banning the use of Latin phrases because Johnny Foreigner can’t manage our language & yet seems to be able to complete a social security claim form with some alacrity. It now transpires that Welsh don’t want to be referred to as British – well at least according to Ron “Badger” Davies.

Somewhat predictably, now that there is a serious bout of feeling aggrieved going around, it was never going to be long before the Taffs got in on the act…

A race relations quango is warning that the word 'British' should be avoided because it is similarly offensive to the words 'negro' and 'half-caste'. According to the publicly funded organisation - headed by disgraced former Cabinet minister Ron Davies - to use the word British 'implies a false sense of unity' that is unwelcomed by people from Scotland, Wales and Ireland

As for the Welsh getting upset about being refered to as British etc, the moment that they stop accepting huge handouts from the English taxpayer, that can call themselve whatever they want, even if that word has lots of double f’s & no recognisable vowels in it. We wont be able to hear their persistent whinging because we will have dug out Offa’s dyke & blown both the Severn Bridge & the Second Severn Crossing. In any case, who cares about what the Welsh do or do not think, not even the French...

Children cheered, bugles sounded and the Prince of Wales inspected the guard, yet an air of improvisation tinged the pageantry at President Sarkozy’s ceremony at Verdun to commemorate the 1918 Armistice ...That was not the only hitch. Speaking outside the ossuary that contains the unidentified remains of 130,000 French and German soldiers, Mr Sarkozy hailed Britain’s sacrifice in the Great War. “France will never forget the English, Scottish and Irish soldiers who fought on our soil as if it was their own,” he said. There was no mention of the Welsh, whose Prince, with the Duchess of Cornwall, was present,

As for this non-sensical 'report', it is the usual claptrap but it is not nearly as interesting as its author, Ron Davies. In September 1998 Davies was Secretary of State for Wales when he defeated Rhodri Morgan to become Labour's candidate for First Secretary of the Welsh Assembly. A month he resigned this post, two days after resigning as Secretary of State. He stood down citing "an error of judgment" in agreeing to go for a meal with a man he had met while walking on a part of Clapham Common, well-known as meeting place for homosexuals looking for casual sex. He was mugged at knifepoint. The full details of the incident which he euphemistically called a "moment of madness" didn’t emerge at first while the Nu Labour spin machine tried to cover up the story. Davies later acknowledged that he had been bisexual for some time, and was receiving treatment for a personality disorder which led him to seek sex in risky situations.

However, like so many Nu Labour politicians, they get to make more comebacks than Lazarus & the story only gets better when they rise from the political grave – Mandy is a classic case in point & so is Davies…

Just before the 2003 Welsh Assembly elections it came out that Davies had been visiting a well-known ‘dogging’ spot near a motorway lay-by. When challenged as to what he had been doing there, Davies initially denied being there for causal sexual encounters & said that he had been going for a short walk, adding: "I have actually been there when I have been watching badgers." I promise you, I am making none of this up.

So Davies with his predilection for errrrrrr Meles meles, is now trying to dictate how we speak ? Who says that governments don’t have a sense of humour?

Natural born carbon credit killers

For those of us that retain a modicum of common sense & for whom the whole concept of Lear Jet Liberals / Carbon Footprint Warriors induces uncontrollable retching, there is now this…

We are on a mission to take away every one of Al Gore's meaningless carbon credits by simply providing carbon debits. Help us make this dream a reality by purchasing one of the packages below. Don't let Al Gore assuage his guilt with meaningless penance, heap it back on with carbon debits – every one of which we will let him know about.

& the question that I know that you all want answered …

The reason we sell Carbon Debits is simple – we want to take away the pathetic excuse of Carbon Credits from those liberals who hide their shame filled lives behind money-bought lunacy. Carbon Credits are simply a way for the rich (Al Gore) to continue to hypocritically live lives that look nothing like what they try to enforce on everyone else in society. We want to take away those excuses.

Our goal is to completely wipe out every Carbon Credit ever bought by selling their nullifying opposite – the Carbon Debit. The guilt and shame that caused people to buy Carbon Credits in the first place will be placed back on them as we let them know that their actions caused us to nullify their credits. They are the cause of us killing trees; they need to face up to their guilt.

This message is important for one reason – Far Left Liberals are lunatics that operate solely on shame of themselves, their success, their country, and their wealth. It is time to expose their ideas and self-defeating idiocy – and selling Carbon Debits is the best way to do that.

Cry huzzah & buy some Carbon Debits today – its nearly as much fun & poking Al Gormless in both eyes with a specially blunted stick. 5,000 gallons of climate change inducing fuel to Bush Rat for pointing this one out

Here we go again

Now that voters in the United States have seen fit to elect The Chosen One, already third world poverty has been eliminate & the polar ice caps have doubled in size. Of course we could never ever have the privilege of such a visionary leader because we are a bunch of racists

A British equivalent of Barack Obama would find it extremely difficult to become prime minister, the head of the UK equality watchdog has said. Trevor Phillips, chairman of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, told the Times the problem would not be voters but the political "machine". He claimed even someone of Mr Obama's talent would struggle because the system was biased against change.

Our taxes are certainly well spent on Mr Phillips’ salary

Compare & contrast

Nazis bad...

Labour MPs are pushing for trade unions to be given the right to expel members who belong to the BNP without penalty. They are attempting to overturn a Lords amendment to the Employment Bill offering more safeguards to union members expelled for BNP membership.
Labour MP Tony Lloyd is leading calls for unions have more freedom to expel members who oppose their beliefs

Communists (even ex-communists) good...

When Gordon Brown sacked senior minister Kim Howells in a thorough clear out of the Foreign Office, he did offer a quantum of solace, in the shape of the chairmanship of the Intelligence and Security Committee - the group of senior parliamentarians who report to the PM on the workings of the security services. But as our Parliamentary correspondent Mark D'Arcy pointed out to him, his personal political history - as a former member of the Communist Party of Great Britain who was once nicknamed Kim Il Sung - made him a slightly surprising appointment

Smokers unfit to parent

Smokers in a north-east London borough will not be able to foster children from January 2010 - unless there are "exceptional circumstances". The ban was passed on Tuesday evening by Redbridge councillors who voted unanimously in favour of the policy. Redbridge Council wants to protect children from "the damaging effects of passive and second-hand smoke".

So by that standard your humble correspondent would be barred from fostering a child, whereas Paul Gadd could be eligible.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc

In conjunction with trying to control how we think, act, how our children are raised & what we put in the dustbin, local councils, that repository of petty minded officialdom, are now trying to mandate how we communicate

A number of local councils in Britain have banned their staff from using Latin words, because they say they might confuse people. Several local authorities have ruled that phrases like "vice versa", "pro rata", and even "via" should not be used, in speech or in writing

Latin, definitely a doubleplusungood & given that it started to be absorbed into the then Middle English language over 2,000 years ago it is about time it was purged from modern Ingerlish … innnit? Inter alia, it is hardly very cool Britannia.

This is a perfect exemplar of the dumming down of one-Great Britain that we have sadly come to expect from the political pondlife who are as ever waving the banner of class warfare…

Some local councils say using Latin is elitist and discriminatory, because some people might not understand it - particularly if English is not their first language.

Ah, the “D-word” & absolutely right. If Norman Numpty can’t understand terms like vice versa or pro-rata, it is critical that they don’t feel discriminated against … not when we should be persecuting them for being so terminally stupid. After all, in what little remains of Brown’s Britain we are short of many many things including working capital, but stupid people we have in rich abundance. Their persecution can only be pro bono publico.

My default reaction upon receiving any official correspondence is to either chuck it in the wood burner or to give it to puppy to chew. However even I have to confess that it isn’t too unreasonable for our hydra headed government to write to me in English & within that definition of English, to use phrases that have been in common usage for the last 20 centuries.

However the Thoughtpolice are set on a policy of reductio ad absurdum. The whole concept that by banning commonly used phrases so that Joe Public will can suddenly understand the reams of official gobbledygook that we get sent is yet another case of the Logical Fallacy; hence the title of this post.

More candidates for the gallows

To say that I am rather enjoying the hot water that the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation is currently in could easily be one of the understatements of the decade

Ofcom, the broadcasting watchdog, announced today that it was launching into a succession of lewd phone calls made by BBC presenters Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to Andrew Sachs, the Fawlty Towers actor

Indeed the end of last week & most of the weekend seemed to be consumed with meejar luvvies lining up to defend the actions of Ross & Brand as “edgy contemporary humour”. Now I wish that just one of those talking heads would stand in front of me & explain exactly how phoning up an old man & saying that you had “fucked” his grandaughter constitutes humour. Of course this wont happen because one of these apologists would find difficult to articulate their explanation as I beat them to a bloodied pulp with a pick helve.

Ross & Brand (who both earn considerably more than most of the investment bankers that the the media are so quick to vilify these days) are both paid out of the TV Tax that is extorted from us & why doesn’t the Westminster Village speak out against that? Because they are all terrified that the White City Liberals who will stop at nothing to defend the “licence fee”, will start to mount a media campaign against them: these days perception & not policy is everything & no politican has enough backbone to stand up to the ever biased editorial line & the political agenda of the BBC

The truth is better than fiction

I strongly suspect that sometime in the near future, probably on a plane to somewhere, I will see the latest Bond incarnation … the names Bond, Blond Bond … & with a sickening envitability, the whole plot will unravel unfold. Explosions, a surfeit of Aston Martins & birds in low cut dresses. All rippingly good fun which will end with the baddie dying imaginatively & the Empire being saved. Huzzzzah!

However a swift shuftie at yesterdays obits reveals the truth about a life in the secret services

Julia Pirie, who has died aged 90, spent two decades as an MI5 agent at the heart of the Communist Party of Great Britain, most of it as personal assistant to the party's general secretary

Julia Pirie? The codename of a sultry beauty with a pistol tucked into her garter - well not exactly

A small, dumpy woman with the appearance of a confirmed and rather matronly spinster, Julia Pirie was the most unlikely of spies. But her unassuming demeanour masked a sharp intellect and the powers of observation essential for the task of a secret agent

But she spent her life jetting between exotic locations. Errrrrr no

Within the Communist Party she was completely trusted, accompanying the general secretary to regular meetings and conferences behind the Iron Curtain. The fact that she usually attempted to avoid these "dreary" visits to the Eastern Bloc only reinforced her cover

Used Q’s latest devices to conduct her survellience ?

Peter Wright, a former senior MI5 officer, revealed in his book Spycatcher that in the late 1950s one of the agent handlers obtained details of the location of the secret membership files from an agent inside the party. The files were stored in the Mayfair flat of a wealthy party member, and the property was put under blanket surveillance. When the owner's wife rang him to say that she was going out for an hour, but would leave the key under the doormat, an MI5 officer swiftly went round to take an impression. Armed with the key, MI5 simply waited until the occupants went away to the Lake District for the weekend, then let themselves in and copied the secret files

& she used the most high tech communications devices to contact MI5 HQ

Julia Pirie would pass over her regular reports and photocopied documents to her MI5 handlers during cricket matches at the Oval cricket ground, a procedure that left her with a lifelong love of the game

It looks like Le Carre & not Fleming, was a little closer to the mark

Surveillance Britain

Now this could well be just another piece of journalistic over exageration a la the leader in the Daily Mail most days, but then again, the worrying thing is that on recent performance, it might well be true…

Everyone who buys a mobile telephone will be forced to register their identity on a national database under government plans to extend massively the powers of state surveillance.

A compulsory national register for the owners of all 72m mobile phones in Britain would be part of a much bigger database to combat terrorism and crime. Whitehall officials have raised the idea of a register containing the names and addresses of everyone who buys a phone in recent talks with Vodafone and other telephone companies, insiders say.

It really is about time that the villagers went to Westminster, carrying flaming torchs & ready use rope because if anyone is really even thinking about trying to impliment this, the lamposts of Parliament Square need to be decorated with the still twitching corpses of all involved, because we stout bulldogs know this already...

Harvey Mattinson, a consultant at the information technology arm of GCHQ, said that the only real value of identity cards would be to help state bodies share information about people.

Hang 'em all. Hang 'em high.

David John Evans: 23 April 1935 – 22 October 2008

This morning dear readers it is with sadness that I have to report the death of David Evans, the former Conservative MP for Welwyn Garden City & Hatfield. Now regulars will know that I have little time for nearly any politican you care to mention whatever their hue. However Evans was one of those deliciously rare exceptions & even the disgustingly lefy Gruiard had to conclude

Scarcely any Guardian or Independent article involving David Evans, former Tory MP … failed to mention his car-salesman's accent, a sound to chill the blood of any liberal

Now just how badly do you want an epitaph like that? As his obit in the Torygraph goes on to explain

To say that Evans was a man of strong views would be to understate the case. There was probably no one more contemptuous of the wiles of the spin doctor or of the whispered back-stabbing in the corridors of Westminster: a classic grass-roots Conservative, Evans said what he thought, in plain terms, without fear and damn the consequences.

"Do-gooding" liberals, teenage thugs, proselytising homosexuals, and those among the unemployed who showed no diligence in looking for work were among those who felt the lash of his tongue.

Lets just pause for a moment to let the wild cheering subside before going further. Decorum restored? OK lets continue…

He once remarked: "I am a Right-wing disciplinarian. I do not trust Russians. The more nuclear weapons the better." He supported the return of capital punishment, and declared that the way to deal with rapists was to castrate them.

On one occasion he derided the (female) Labour candidate in his constituency because she lived with a boyfriend and "three bastard children", and had never done a proper job. His thoughts on the environment were unequivocal: "I'm more concerned about litter in Parliament Square than the ozone layer."

I know I know. This man’s face should be on every banknote & there should be a national holiday established in his honour, but there is yet more…

he told the European Commission to "get stuffed", advocated the hanging of murderers, opposed abortion, and said of football hooligans, "Give'em scars for the rest of the lives". As the commentator Simon Heffer once observed, he was "famed for his view that the cat o' nine tails is the progressive answer to football hooligans."

Excuse me, I think I need to go & compose myself in a darkened room. But before Nursie gives me my medication, I will leave you with this parting thought; in the place of this staunch Thatcherite, who do we have these days? The answer is sadly, Dave & George. We as a nation are so completely & utterly doomed.

Winter clothing

The more of this credit crunch recession nonsense I read, the more I despair. Take this for example…

Winter is nearly upon us and with the cold weather comes the expense of buying new clothes to keep ourselves warm and those energy bills down.

There are several ways in which you can reduce the cost of your winter wardrobe, starting with only buying what you really need, and setting yourself a strict budget. Once this is done, a good place to start your clothes bargain hunt is by using online discount sites.

How about Mr Free Markets Reduce Your Winter Wardrobe Bill To Zero Plan? Just wear the clothes that you wore last winter. Numpties!

Now I fully appreciate that if you have, as we do, fast growing nippers, then last winters clothes simply won’t fit your children. Well in that case, launder the clothes that are too small & pass them on to a friend who has younger children. If you have sensible friends with older children, they will be doing the same for you.

Maybe it’s the pikey in me, but if a garment that I own doesn’t last at least 10 years, I want my bl**dy money back. I see no reason whatsoever to have to buy “this seasons great new look”. If you are stupid enough to be taken in by the advertisements, then you deserve to completely blow through your credit limit. If the increasingly bovine populous can’t work that out for themselves, the penury them awaits is completely justified.

I really didn't want to have to hang anybody else today, but then I read this...

The right of people to collect wood from Britain’s forests that was created under the Magna Carta has been overturned due to health and safety fears.

The Forestry Commission has scrapped the right, enshrined in the “Great Charter” at Runneymede in 1215, in order to stop people picking firewood from woodland. Instead they suggest people buy wood from local firewood merchants allowed into the forest, something critics argue is “carbon intensive” due to the use of vehicles to move the wood.

The retired builder from Trefriw, north Wales, said: “The Magna Carta states that a common man is allowed to enter forests and take deadwood for firewood, repairing homesteads, fixing tools and equipment and making charcoal.” He added: “Now they’ve stopped issuing licences and they are giving the reason as health and safety issues.

Would all employees of the Forestry Commission kindly join the queue. Employees of the Health & Safety Executive are already in the queue. Right at the front.

Monday morning lynching: Part 2 - More candidates for the lamppost jig

Though a mist of Sunday night whiskey, I spotted this post from last week, over at the Castle

A new survey claims that seven per cent of Americans now qualify as “dark green”, hard core recyclers and carbon footprint worriers. But it is unclear whether some of their behaviour qualifies as eco-leadership or bordering on the obsessive-compulsive.

Carbon footprint worriers? Who the firkin hell are they when they are at home? Is that something like hard core vegans? You know, anemic unhealthy looking individuals who are so anti-meat that they won’t even drive through a village if it has “ham” in its name*.

Dark green? Please form an orderly queue behind the liberals & kiddy fiddlers. Mr Pierrepoint will be with you presently

* Apologies to Mr. William Bailey for the gratuitous recycling of his joke

The mother in law in the cab

I don’t for a moment think that any further commentary on Family Free Markets taste in cars is required. We drive Landrovers. Most of our friends have at least one Landrover as you can see from this picture of the farmyard taken during the summer

& those few that don’t, generally wish that they did as Mrs FM is pulling them out of the mud at the point-to-point etc etc etc.

Now I suppose that the main difference between my Disco & Mrs FM's Defender isnt the speed at which they burn the worlds dwindling supply of fossil fuels, not the rate at which bits fall of them; it is that the Discovery comes packed with all sorts of electronic gizmos: bluetooth network, trip computers & satilite navigation. The Defender, by contrast, comes with an ignition key.

Like most things in life, all this wizardry is go & bad. I now know exactly how lost I am, but there is no way of overriding the seat belt alarm. Normally I have absolutely no problem with this, but they are times when your humble corrspondent is out over the fields, jumping in & out of the car to open gates, pick up freshly shot badgers etc when wearing a seat belt becomes a right pain in the proverbials … as is the ping ping ping of the seat belt alarm.

However, I see in The Times this morning that matters, somewhat predictably & in the finest traditions of the Nanny State, are set to take a turn for the worse…

You are running late so you take the corner a bit faster than you ought to – but a disembodied voice on the dashboard is having none of it. A new generation of in-car navigation systems will take sat nav from being simply an electronic mapping device to being a driving instructor, telling motorists when to change gear, at what speed to take a corner and even how to drive more economically.

It looks at though when it is time to change the Discovery, I will be buying another Defender as a replacement – one of the old ones.

Todays health advice...

...from Mr du Toit who seems slightly vexed as a result of reading the latest pseudo-scientific survey

Of course, it’s load of old twaddle, put together by scientists, a group who are not renowned for the social skills and healthy lives anyway. Come to think of it, the list is horribly womanly, but that’s hardly surprising, considering that modern-day scientists are more interested in telling the rest of us how to live their lives than, say, inventing really useful stuff like insecticides and atom bombs.

One can always combine activities, such as shooting the daughter’s boyfriend, then hugging her to tell her that it’s for her own good. And the health benefits of putting socialists to death are well documented, so if your daughter doesn’t have a boyfriend…

The latest piggy bank news

The Department for Transport annual results - published on the 25th of September - show that, nationally, only 6% of accidents are caused by people breaking speed limits and yet almost 100% of the government's road safety money is being invested in speed cameras

I can't for a moment think why that might be! However recent changes in the way that government handles the huge amounts of money that these things make has led to common sense starting to prevail

Councillors in Swindon have voted to stop funding the town's speed cameras. The Wiltshire town's borough council is believed to be the first in England to withdraw funding for fixed cameras. The revenue from fines generated by the cameras goes to the government, but the Conservative-led borough council pays £320,000 a year to maintain them.

Of course, we always knew that it was never about road safety

Rope Required - Part 1

Aside from the whole tone of this article on the disgustingly pro-EU Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation’s website – exhibit 1 me’lud

The government is acting to end the prosecution of so-called "metric martyrs" - traders who continue to sell goods using only imperial measures

I am frankly aghast at the news that:

a) once-Great Britain has such a thing as the Department for Innovation, Universities, Skills & Innovations – that sounds to me like another load of jobsworths, living high on the hog while on the taxpayers nickel

and

b) the aforementioned jobsworths have the temerity to think that they have a say in whether your humble correspondent buys a pound of apples or not.

However, putting aside the fact that all of these public sector spongers should have been culled at their desks years ago, why exactly does it take the no doubt very diligent members of the aforementioned government department "months" to do anything?

The Department for Innovation, Universities and Skills said Innovations Secretary John Denham would introduce new guidelines within months that would prevent local authorities from taking traders to court

This sort of thing drives me mad. It fills me with resolve to get back on a plane to Blighty & set up a market stall which only sells in Imperial Measures. If some yellow jacketed clipboard wielding trading standards officer had the temerity to come slithering up to me, they would be given the following options:

1. Purchase produce in a measure that has served stout bulldogs well, that we know, understand & love - even buying things by the pound is probably a offence in Brown's Britain, let alone selling them... or

2. Make an early morning appointment to come & visit me at home. I will be waiting…

Rope Required - Part 3

Now doesn’t this have the stench of lawyerdom about it…

A US judge has thrown out a case against God, ruling that because the defendant has no address, legal papers cannot be served

Yep…. as this morning we seem to getting through more hemp the famed Judge Parker (late of the U.S. Court for the Western District of Arkansas, located in Fort Smith, Arkansas). So lets string up any lawyer that might escape the soon to be introduced bi-annual cull of the legal profession. They are all as guilty as sin as well as being professionally joint & severally liable for this sort of utter utter nonsense.

(via Alan)

On This Day (Part 2) ... in 1967

This morning dear readers there is an additional On This Day post as today marks the 41st anniversary of the happy slaying of commie scumbag Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, following his capture at Quebrada del Yuro in Bolivia.

Yes, the man that while alive spouted bad politics & in death, hundreds of thousands of pieces of lousy student art finally got his own bullet riddled comeuppance

Deans World points it all out with the pic below...

& the following Che quote

"To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary...These procedures are an archaic bourgeois detail. This is a revolution! And a revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate. We must create the pedagogy of the The Wall!"

"The Wall" meaning the wall that Che Guevara so happily put people up against to shoot them.
But Che didn't always bother with the wall. One of his favored methods of killing was to tie his victim to a chair, gag him, walk around the room a bit ranting at him, and then slowly walk up, pistol in hand — and splatter the victim's brains and skull across the room while his companions watched.

I bet that would play well down at the Student Union bar - happy hour could certainly take on a new meaning

How green?

It isn’t just the conjecture peddled as scientific fact that really gets to me; it’s the quantum of the unremitting misery emanating of the eco-fascists that has me reaching for the firstly a whiskey bottle & then a firearm. However yesterday, the supposedly ‘independent’ Climate Change Committee announced that the UK needs by 2050 to cut its greenhouse gas emissions by 80% & completely ‘decarbonised’ our power sector by 2030. So whilst the lights will continue to burn in Quangos offices, the rest of us will be living in complete darkness.

To illustrate my point here, I noticed a piece in the Chicago Tribune while a was there a few days ago where they (with they assistance of local sustainability groups – I promise I am not making this up) were trying to identify their ‘greenest citizen’ & came up with one Ken Dunn who it transpires, is

Greener than the social worker who last year commuted 16 miles a day by bike in the dead of winter.

Greener than the Chicago apartment-dweller who composts his own urine and excrement.

Wow! Ken must live in a mud hut & spend a lot of his year wearing nothing but wode. Well not exactly, but

Dunn produces only 3,800 pounds of carbon dioxide a year, as compared with the 44,000 pounds produced by the average American… stated another way, Dunn is already living at roughly the level of carbon emissions that scientists at the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change say the average human must achieve by 2100 if we are to avoid dangerous effects of global warming.

However…

For the most part, the top contestants frequently rode bikes instead of driving, kept the heat down in the winter, grew some of their own food, went without air-conditioning and airplane travel, and spent little on clothes and entertainment.

But…

Dunn pulled ahead of the others in part because he uses a wood-burning furnace, which produces local air pollution but lowers carbon emissions significantly. He also had an advantage in that he eats expired and discarded food he acquires from stores and restaurants

So to meet United Nations targets, you wont be allowed to travel anymore, forget buying a new pair of jeans & your diet will consist of soon to be rotting vegetables

Better still, Ken scored so highly on the green-o-meter that he beat one Sayre Vickers into second place. Vickers

makes his own furniture from discarded wood

doesn’t have running water and…

hauls his 3 gallons a day from the bathroom one floor below.

However to top that, Vickers'

toilet is a bucket, with a 30-gallon garbage can nearby for storing human waste layered with sawdust. Vickers has a friend in the suburbs who allows him to park the cans when they fill up. The contents decompose, forming compost.

Well I guess that with solves the problem of unwelcome guests popping round unannounced for a cup of tea. Or to put this another way, as Obnoxio The Clown says...

Enough. Just ... enough. We've had the blatant lies about the allegedly warming planet shoved down our throat for long enough. We have people telling us to cut down on eating what we want to eat for the sake of Gaia. We have people flying around the world telling the rest of us not to fly around the world. We have weapons-grade cock-ends telling us that we must use wind energy because it reduces our carbon footprint, despite the fact that it just leads to a requirement for more backup power from "non-green" sources. We have other weapons-grade cock-ends telling us that despite the "green-ness" of nuclear power generation, we shouldn't use that. We have people raving on about peak oil without any f*cking consideration of economics. Yadda, yadda, f*cking yadda.

"Senior scientists", take your alarmism and go f*ck yourselves.

Good golly!

A gift shop, located near a slavery museum, has been criticised for selling golliwog dolls. The controversial dolls are on display at the Wizzard shop, part of the Albert Dock complex in Liverpool. Officials at the International Slavery Museum, also based at the site, said it was "shocking" and called for the dolls to be removed from sale.

So when exactly did golly become controversial? Or to rephrase that, when exactly did golly become controversial in the real world i.e. not in the op-ed columns of The Guardian or as the latest hobby horse for the Race-Guilt Industry?

Still, Richard Benjamin, head of the International Slavery Museum thinks that

These dolls reinforce out-of-date racial stereotypes which are deeply offensive to many people, particularly within the black community

Mind you, he also thinks

That they are still on sale in a supposedly progressive city such as Liverpool, and on the doorstep of the International Slavery Museum, is shocking and we would like to see them taken off the shelves

Liverpool, a progressive city?? Clearly Mr Benjamin’s sense of reality is in urgent need of recalibration. Mind you, the same can be said of Tim More, city councillor for Toxteth's Princes Park ward

It is clear to many people they are insensitive and offensive. It is a real shame in our Capital of Culture year, when we are celebrating diversity, our shops should be selling items which offend many people

Of course the entire concept of Liverpool being some sort of City of Culture is risable in the extreme as the only culture you get in Liverpool is car theft which the locals have turned into an art form - but set that aside for the moment & lets get Nanny involved

Trading standards officials have visited [the store] & have advised staff the dolls were likely to cause offence to many customers, but they said they had no power to confiscate them.

Caruthers, get me m’revolver & a cricket bat . It looks like we need to go to the dreaded north for the day to dole out a large dose of common sense.

Pain is Glory, Pain is Pride, Pain is Great to Watch

I spurn reality television as I would a rabid dog & will continue to do so until some red rimmed glasses wearing TV exec comes up with a programme format that involves hanging politicans, lawyers and employees of the Health & Safety Executive. As a genre, it is at best pathetic & if people really want to be humiliated, I understand that there are websites where young ladies offer such services in the errrrrr comfort & privacy of bespoke premises. Quite why TVland thinks that I should want to come home from a long day in the office to watch someone having to eat their own poo or whatever ‘challenge’ the contestants have just been set is completely beyond me. The only useful purpose such programmes serve is as an interview process to help us identify those who are so terminally stupid that come The Glorious Day, they will find their names entered under the column “To Be Clubbed To Death”.

So aside from the shabby premis that underpins this entire group of programmes is the issue that each new series has to be even more sensationalised than the last. Maybe I am alone in this but I really don’t give a stuff about what is currently happening in the Big Brother house unless it is the news that the Prophet’s most ardent followers have turned up with one of their special delivery lorries & there is now the sort of redevelopment opportunity not afforded to Londoners since that nice Mr Hitler decided to get into the town planning business.

However the latest & most grubby show Unbreakable has incurred the wrath of the TV censors, not because it is an insult to the very notion that man pocesses higher intelligence but because of this

A reality television show that features contestants being forced to submit to the illegal torture technique of waterboarding is "unacceptable" and could breach watchdog standards, lobbyists have warned.

What a nation of puftahs we have become. When I were a lad, such techniques were pretty common practice in the Junior House dormatory, as was locking anyone who had done their Latin prep into a trunk & throwing it down several flights of stairs. In fact, if they were to make a reality show called Traditional British Boarding School it would undoubtedly be banned, not on the grounds of the crime of elietism, but because it would be considered way too violent for todays cotton wool Britain. & I can tell you all now, being brutalised for ten of my formative years never did me any harm! As for being trapped in a tent full of CS gas until such time as you have hoiked your guts up - if you haven't done that, you havent lived

According to John Whittingdale, the Conservative chairman of the media select committee, the show in question is unacceptable. Apparently…

It seems that scenes of torture are being used as entertainment. What next?

Yes, & your point is exactly? In happier times, it could be said that such practices simply built character.

Flowers

Whilst on the face of it the police actions here seem a little unreasonable…

The mother of two young children killed in a fire at their family home has been marched away by police after trying to lay flowers on her own doorstep. Denise Goldsmith, 29, said she wanted to pay tribute to her sons Lewis, seven, and Taylor, five, who died when a blaze broke out at their house in the coastal town of Eastbourne, Sussex.

The mother was locked out of the property on Saturday afternoon while her children were trapped inside as the flames tore through the house. She returned to the scene yesterday, and witnesses said that she became hysterical when police told her she could not pass a cordon while forensics teams worked at the property.

… I am 100% behind them in this instance.

When did this stupid flower laying nonsense start exactly? These days you can drive down just about any road you care to mention & at exactly the spot Dazza roled his heavily ‘modified’ Vauxhall Nova (silly wheels & an even sillier exhaust pipe) through the hedge you will see a rotting bunch of flowers, wrapped in plastic, tied to the tree that so dramatically proved he was no Lewis Hamilton.

Are spreading bunches of flowers (usually purchased at the nearest petrol station) proof that you really ‘cared’? Why stop there? Given that we now live in multicultural Britain, why not go around beating your head & wailing in a quasi-Middle Eastern fashion? Surely the greater display of grief is proof public of how much you cared? Like so much of our modern society, things have taken a damatic turn a turn for the worse in recent years. Whatever happened to grieving in quietly, in private & with dignity?

The Jewel of Medina & yet another Muslim 'moment'

By now, I expect that all of you have read about the latest object of blind Muslim rage..

Plans for the British publication of a controversial novel about a young wife of the Prophet Mohammed have been postponed following a firebomb attack at the publisher's London office.
Martin Rynja of Gibson Square books intended to publish 'The Jewel Of Medina' by U.S. writer Sherry Jones.

It brings to mind this little piece that appeared in The Spectator in July…

People keep discovering things that a few noisy Muslims can be persuaded to be offended about – statues of pigs in a Midlands park, a police poster involving a dog. How about croissants next? A reader reminds me that they were first made to celebrate the defeat of the Turks by Jan Sobieski at Vienna in 1683. How much longer will European society be permitted to serve this daily humiliation to Muslims with their continental breakfast?

Thought crimes

A few days ago we touched upon the ‘reach’ of our judicial system. Today, I notice that

A leading Holocaust denier was arrested as he flew into Britain yesterday, accused of running an internet site that insisted that the Nazis had not murdered millions of Jews. Dr Fredrick Toben was held at Heathrow at the request of the German authorities for publishing “anti-Semitic and/or revisionist” material between 2000 and 2004.

Although Holocaust denial is not an offence in Britain, it is a serious crime in Germany and Dr Toben faces up to five years in prison. The Australian citizen was arrested under a European Arrest Warrant designed to fast-track extraditions.

Dr. Toben, a German national has commited no offence on British soil yet he finds himself arrested & now threatened with so-called fast track extradition to Germany where Holocaust denial is a crime.

Now without doubt Toben is a deeply unpleasent piece of work who holds even more unpleasent beliefs. However firstly I question whether he has even commited an offence on Germany soil & secondly, I ponder the wisdom of assisting the German authorities in abitarilly seizing individuals.

It interesting to consider that HMG seems happy to comply with a foreign government in this case & yet it doesn’t seem to want to apply the same standards to the ‘thought crimes’ of our own home grown Jihadies. Or maybe I am just not getting something here?

John Hogan & Paul Gadd

Exhibit No.1

No action is to be taken in the UK against a father who threw his son to his death from a hotel balcony, the Crown Prosecution Service has said.

Quite right – John Hogan is without doubt an utter utter scumbag who deserves to die slowly & in pain. However he has committed on criminal offence in the United Kingdom & there I am completely at a loss to see how exactly the UK’s judicial system proposes to persecute him as the events in question took place abroad

Exhibit No.2

Paedophile and former pop star Gary Glitter has been banned from traveling to Spain via France.

In similar fashion, kiddy fiddler Paul Gadd also deserves a painful & lingering death. However, he is being banned from traveling not for what he has done, but what he might do. If the Spanish or French authorities banned him from entering their respective countries, that is one thing. However to refuse to allow him to leave the country because of his track record is quite another. (As an aside, by that measure, we should immediate seize our Foreign Secretary’s passport, but I digress)

Lets apply a similar legal concepts to your humble correspondent. Should I be banned from leaving the country because I propose to drive on German motorways at speeds that would earn me a custodial sentence in Blighty? In about seven weeks I shall be in the USA making merry with the sorts of firearms that would induce PSH in the Westminster Village. Should I be locked up for that? Actually, the way things are going I suspect that I probably will be.

Now that the UK’s legal system has become Sharia law compliant, should I be incarcerated for say sitting in bar overseas, having a drink while eating a bacon sandwich & taking the “Prophets” name is vain? Well I certainly would be if I were sitting at home.

Christus rex! We have enough of a crime problem in the UK without wanting to worry about what has happened of may or may not happen abroad. That takes the ungodly combination of prescriptive liberals & an increasingly arrogant judicial system.

Happy news from Sharia compliant United Kingdom

A muslim who claims he did not know Tesco sold alcohol is suing the store for religious discrimination after having to carry crates of drink as part of his job. Forklift truck driver Mohammed Ahmed, 32, worked in a distribution depot for eight months before quitting 'in protest', an employment tribunal heard.

When he realised it did, he asked to be found different work but alleges that one of his supervisors told him: 'You do the job or go home.' Mr Ahmed also claimed his line manager was 'aggressive' towards him and another supervisor angrily told him: 'Do not take the p***.'

Frankly, I am with the supervisor who said ‘you do the job or go home’, however my prediction is that Tesco’s will be vilifed by the Muslim appeasers who seem to comprise our judical system these days.

I know that I might have what could be deemed to be a slightly narrow view of these sorts of situations, however if Mr Ahmed doesn’t like his job, he could simply just go & find another one. But that would be way too simple – much better to make allegations to racial & religious discrimination & then get m’learned friends involved … no doubt at the taxpayers expense because I very much doubt that Mr Ahmed has the wherewithall to pay for their fees himself.
So its situation normal in Blighty!

Of Disappointment, Large Hadron Colliders & Ed Balls

Am I just wondering if I am alone in my disappointment that the World didn’t end last week? I mean there were no end of scientists (whose academic credentials are only matched by the thickness of their glasses) claiming that when the switch in Switzerland got flicked, we were all going to be consumed by anti-matter. & there was me worrying that may be it wasn’t just the World that was as risk: could this device cause a chain reaction that might cause the entire Universe to collapse upon itself as all of its thermal & mechanical functions failed …surely that would render all human endeavour rather pointless. So I stayed in bed this weekend.

However the World didn’t end, baby polar bears keep drowning, we all have to go back to work this morning & the Swiss can go back to making cuckoo clocks or whatever it is they do when they are not calculating the current open market value of all the Nazi bullion they are still hoarding.

So in the absence of the arrival of the Four Horsemen, it looks like your humble correspondent will have to go back to working out how the hell he is ever going to pay off his credit cards & the doom mongering scientists can go back to issuing dire warnings about melting ice caps while trying to fit just one more biro into their lab coats top pocket.

Ho hum!

Of course dear readers, I don’t actually want some over blown Heath Robinson device to cause the Laws of Physics to be reversed but lets be honest here, we could all have had a jolly good laugh if say just a tiny amount of dark matter had been produced: just enough to consume France & of course Brussels. In fact in that instance I’d have been straight down to the my local Large Hadron Collider franchise asking if I could have one too & given the financial malaise that grips the global capital markets, how much dealer discount they are currently offering.

Now while we are on the subject of disappointment, the other disappointments last week includes the fact that HM Government continues to show just how much it despises us stout bulldogs & is now considering buying new ultra long range speed cameras although in combustion tests, whilst they might be able to photograph you breaking the speed limit by 2 mph at a distance of 125 miles, they burn just as well as the current crop of Gatsos.

In fact going out & putting half a dozen or so of these digital piggy banks to the torch before retiring to your local for a tummy full of finest foaming & a spot of badger baiting in the car park after closing time is just about the most fun that you have in the absence of being given a mandate to lynch that smug little git Ed Balls on primetime TV.

Now there are some out there that maintain that the sight of Balls-Up doing the lamppost tango is a far better fate the he deserves & that’s a reasonable point. Whilst in the past I have advocated a wide ranging cull of the legal profession, just about every inhabitant of the Westminster Village, MEPs, Guardian readers & anyone that worships at the high altar of global warming, the projected viewing figures of Ed Balls enduring a painful death with gratuitous use of extreme close ups shots from the ‘Claw Hammer Cam’ make for a compelling commercial argument, aside from the fact that such a piece of reality TV would receive critical acclaim.

If fact, were I not currently in Hong Kong & might well be minded to track down the Right Honorable Member for Normanton & engineer his demise. Recent polling suggests that an overwhelming majority of the UK’s population would like to see this piece of prime pondlife with one of Mr Stanley’s most excellent products hanging out of the back of his cranium. Who am I to disagree?

Sadly I can't because I am here & he is there, so instead I’d better go to the office now, man made black holes allowing.

of Marks & Spencer, hotels and arson

There are times when you read the news, see pictures of the beautiful people on their superyachets & think golly, I wish that were me. The flip side of the coin is that you also read stories & you thank the Gods that this didn’t happen to you – not in the natural disaster multiple car wreck airliner plunging out of the sky in flames sort of way but everyday incidents that would have inevitably landed you in prison. Like this for example…

A mother who complained to shop staff that her seven-year-old son's Superman playsuit was faulty was told data protection laws meant they could only deal with him. Staff at Marks & Spencer insisted that Jacob Hunter-Lamb give consent for his mother to act on his behalf before they would resolve the problem.

"The whole thing was just so bizarre. They said because of data protection they had to speak to the recipient of the costume. He had to tell them the address and then give them permission to speak to me. We laughed about it, but I felt really undermined."

Reading this story, there are faults on so many levels. The retailer in question, Marks & Spencer fessed-up that their member of staff had made an error with is fair enough. We all make mistakes. Well all make mistakes at work. The normal issue is how well can you cover them up / blame colleauges for them. However when you make a mistake like this & it appears in the national press, you are completely b*ggered. Period.

On the other side of this blame equation, Debbie Lamb isnt without fault either. According to the report she felt “undermined”. Now what exactly does “undermined” mean when its at home? Clearly Miz Lamb is a wishy washy type of individual who is now receiving “counselling” for the “trauma” that she has suffered.

& if this sort of thing had happened to your humble corrspondent?? If some Johnny No-Stars shop assistant had said that I couldn’t exchange so goods on behalf of my six year old daughter? Well I certianly woundnt have felt “undermined” problably because I would be too busy to feel “undermined”: too busy burning down the nearest Marks & Spancer store & hence, earning me a stint of free B&B at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

Then there are stories like this…

A hotel that refused an injured soldier a room, forcing him to spend the night in his car, was backed into issuing a grovelling apology yesterday after receiving a barrage of abusive phone calls. The Metro Hotel, in Woking, Surrey, called the police as its phone lines were flooded with angry and threatening calls from the public.

The corporal, who was not in uniform, presented his warrant card when asked by the hotel for proof of identity. After being refused a room, he had to bed down in his car, with his wrist, broken during a convoy ambush, encased in plaster.

I read this sort of stuff & thank the Gods that I am not in the UK at the moment because I wouldn’t hesitate for second, burning this hotel to the ground. See, there are stories that you read in the newspaper that when you read, you just grateful that it didn’t happen to you!

What, no safety case?

This days it would seem that riding a horse [is] a 'severe' health and safety risk.Now from first hand expirence I can tell you that riding a horse is bl**dy risky judging by the number of times that Mrs FM & the nippers seem to come crashing off them, but if donkey wholloping is your thing, go & enjoy. Just remember to be sure to have some cash on you for the taxi home from the hospital because I’m not coming to pick you up. Done that too many times over the years.

However, in Nu Labour’s cotton wool Britain, dispiles of Yellowjacket, the God of Health & Safety look to have succeded where His Majesty’s excisemen failed…

For the past 44-years, villagers in Dymchurch, Kent, have celebrated the character of Dr Syn, a quiet village vicar by day and a smuggler hero by night, who was created by local author Russell Thorndike.

Dr Syn galloped through seven novels, donning a scarecrow disguise to avoid excisemen and soldiers as he and his desperate band of night riders bought food and drink to starving villagers.

On the second August bank holiday of every other year, a resident of Dymchurch has dressed as Dr Syn to gallop along a nearby beach and ride through the streets for a Day of Syn celebrating the hero. However, this year, his exploits were curtailed after insurers decided it was too dangerous, leaving Dr Syn instead forced to walk.

Whilst I might rile against this country’s Tyranny of Lawyers, the Cult of Health & Safety is prehaps even more corrosive. As I sit here planning The Glorious Day, at an idealological level, the only question that remains unresloved in my alcohol ravaged mind is who do we execute first?
The inhabitants of the Westminster Village?
The entire legal profession?
Or all employees of the Health & Safety Executive?

Meanwhile, Avon & Somerset Police are at it again...

They just love filming us, using every excuse to take DNA & now want to be able to hold you for over a month without charge. In that context, how about this one?

When Andrew Carter saw a police van ignore no-entry signs to reverse up a one-way street to reach a chip shop, he was understandably moved to protest to the driver. Particularly as he lives on the road and always goes out of his way to obey the signs.

Mr Carter was then arrested and bundled into the van over claims he had 'assaulted' an officer with his camera, resisted arrest and was drunk and disorderly. He was held in a police cell for five hours before being released on bail at midnight.

I don’t suppose that the fact that PC Farooq hasn’t been dismissed from the police service has anything to do with this…

It is understood no further action was taken against PC Farooq, who is a member of the Black Police Association's Avon and Somerset branch. According to a report from the Bristol Equalities Network published two years ago, PC Farooq's duties within the BPA included work with the wider community on 'good relations with the police'. At the time he was the branch's general secretary.

You have to remember that Avon & Somerset Police are apparently an equal opportunites employer whose diveristy policies & employment criteria include the following statement…

We will continue to provide positive action for people from underrepresented groups including people from ethnic minority backgrounds, females, people who are transgender, gay, lesbian & bisexual & people with a disability.

Maybe I am just a tad too cynical about trite statements such as that, especially when they give cause to an investigation by the Commission for Racial Equality

The Commission for Racial Equality (CRE) began an investigation into recruitment at the constabulary following reports that candidates are being turned down for being white. The force rejected 186 white applicants because, it said, its workforce was "over-represented by white men". Under the Race Relations Act, shortlisting or appointing on racial grounds is unlawful.

However, lets take skin colour & race out of the equation for the moment & say that the police officer in question was one PC John Smith. If PC Smith had:

a.) Committed a traffic offence
b.) Sworn at a member of the public
c.) Damaged a member of the publics private property
d.) Arrested a member of the public on false charges including possible common assault

I just wonder if the police disciplinary process would have treated him as leniently as it treated PC Farooq?

Now while all of this is going on is Avon & Somerset, down in Cornwall, the local bill are showing their true colours…

Officers from Devon and Cornwall's police force are to officially support a gay pride event in Cornwall. Members of the force's Gay Police Association will attend the county's first gay pride event, Cornwall Pride 2008, in Truro on Saturday. The event at Victoria Park will feature stalls, dancers, singers, comedy acts and circus workshops. Chief Constable Stephen Otter said he was personally adding his support to the organisers and participants.

I know that I have a rather old fashioned view of life, put there was a time that I seem to recall when policing was about catching criminals, not about diversity targets or proving your poftah credentials. These days, even thinking like that, let alone publishing such comments on the internet will probably have you detained without charge quicker than the Metropolitan Police will beat you senseless for protesting against the Hunting Bill

Fat: Replaced with "enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance"

"COR!" gasped Billy Bunter, his eyes gleaming greedily. "I must be dreaming!" He stared again at the notice in the baker's shop window.

The Fat Owl of Greyfriars School pushed open the shop door and hurried inside. “Good morning, What can I get for you, sir?" asked the assistant. “Cakes? Bread? Rolls?"." I wanna free pie," said Billy. “I wanna enter that pie-eating contest. Better give me half a dozen pies. I'm a bit peckish!"

According to Ingsoc & their apparatchiks at the Ministry of Truth, it is now crimethink to use the “o-word"

Parents of primary schoolchildren will start getting letters next month telling them how fat their children are under Government plans to tackle childhood obesity. But however much the