FREE MARKET FAIRY TALES

Muffin tops & misogyny

The last couple of days have seen the temperatures in London soar to over 30 degrees. This is good & bad. On the upside, the glorious sunshine has seen young ladies cast aside normally their normally dowdy clothing but inevitably comes at a price & that price is the incidence of the muffin tops being spotted on the streets of our nation’s capital

all of which causes me to recall Michael Buerk’s call for decorum of a couple of years ago when the veteran news presenter has ruffled a few feathers by having the temerity to suggest that society is becoming increasingly feminised which of course is these days a capital offence in our inclusive urbanite metrosexual touch feely society. Specifically Buerk didn't have much time for fat girls with bare midriffs aka the dreaded muffin top.

Now, I am as happy as the next normal bloke to leer drunkenly at the shapely female form but I simply cannot think what processes some women who would not look out of place on the flensing deck of a Japanese whaling vessel to expose themselves in such a way in public. There is a common decency aspect here. If I want to see lard, I will get half a pound out of the fridge - but chavette, Shania Storm, never learnt about decorum because she skipped school that day & was busy getting ripped on alcopops & glue in a multi storey car park behind the shopping centre.

However, it transpired that where Burek really incurred that wrath & venom of the femi-fascists was over his comments to relating to wimin in the workplace.

He's bonkers. He's a dear, old fashioned chauvinist of the first order,

tutted Anna Ford, one of the BBC's first women newsreaders. Yes dear & exactly what is the problem with that? Its not like he has been machine gunning disabled children in their wheelchairs, before stealing their pokemon cards, is it? But not to conform is now deemed to be anti-social.

Please don't get me wrong on this, I don't have any problem over women in the workplace, its just that they never ever miss an opportunity to tell you know that they are a professional person in a mans world...endlessly! If they are not carping on about that, then they are whining about glass ceilings or suing you for five million pounds because there isn't a mascara holder in the office loos.

But Buerk has got exactly to the heart of the matter, abet by default. By criticising the emasculation of our society, he graphically illustrated the vehemence with which any man that dares to speak out against feminist hegemony is publicly pilloried.

It is fine to make jokes about men being useless, but if you do not to prostrate yourself in the face of feminisation it is deemed to be a crime against humanity, carrying a mandatory sentence social ostracism.

I will admit that to an extent we men a culpable by virtue of allowing this to happen & continuing to put up with it. Personally, I rile against the whole touchy feely feminisation of our society. I don't have any moisturiser or other grooming products. Grooming is what you do to horses if you must have them. I have soap, shampoo, shaving soap & BO basher. My male accessories comprise power tools - large petrol driven ones. I don't have a problem with my secondary sexual characteristics & thus feel no need to wax anything other than applying some beeswax to some of my pairs of boots from time to time

Sadly, on the train as I type this, from where I am sitting I can see three girly men, reading reconstructed in touch with your feelings type magazines. I spurn you all as I would spurn a rabid dog.

Frank Corti & Lady Rosemary Griffin

I suspect that everyone of you has read the story of 72 year old ex-Royal Engineer Frank Corti who delt out a proper old fashioned bulldog thrashing to thieving pondlife...

A burglar who broke into a house and threatened a pensioner with a knife got more than he bargained for when the victim turned out to be a retired boxer who left him bruised and bleeding

The only bit missing from this little tale is a truly happy ending whereby our hero having beaten his assailant senseless (& taken his time doing so) then produces his old service Webley & proceeds to save the taxpayer an aweful lot of money

OK, so so far so good but I am afraid that you might want to move anything breakable out of reach before you continue over the fold & I tell you news concerning Lady Rosemary Griffin who is a life long friend of my outlaws, the Old Salthorse having served with her late husband but before we go there, I will set the scene for you.

Lady Griffin was married to Admiral Sir Anthony Griffin, a former Third Sea Lord

Born in 1920, Sir Anthony entered the Navy in 1934 through the traditional route of a Dartmouth cadetship. During the Second World War he was on board the SS Britannia, on his way to join the destroyer Hereward, when it was sunk by a German raider off Freetown.

In 1971 Sir Anthony was appointed Controller of the Navy and Third Sea Lord, a position he held for five years. At the age of 70 he was awarded a Royal Humane Society Award for Bravery after diving into the Thames in a vain effort to save a young Jamaican

Lady Griffin was married to Sir Anthony in 1943 while she was serving as a Leading Wren stationed at Devonport. Her brother had been lost at sea when HMS Barham was sunk in November 1941

Now if everything breakable is out of reach, you can go on...

Lady Rosemary Griffin had just opened her front door when she was violently pushed to the floor. She then had two rings ripped from her fingers by a robber. The 88-year-old's left leg was broken in two places in the fall and doctors at St Richards Hospital, Chichester, have had to insert two metal pins into her leg, but say she is recovering well

Thankfully she is of a generation that will make a fully recovery but although two scumbags have been arrested & charged, one is already out on bail after appearing at Chichester Magistrates' Court

& some people wonder why I keep half a dozen shotguns in Larry Land Rover - if it were down to your humble correspondent & mores the shame it isn't, I & five friends would be lined up with these two bindfolded & tied to posts ready for recieve a bit of no.9 shot justise. & why use no.9 shot ...? Because you wouldn't want to slaughter 'em with the first volley, you'd want to take it in turns at methodically shooting them to pieces

Que reste-t-il de la culture francaise?

In 2007, the French taxpayer spent 3 billion Euros on matters culturel or if you like, Eur. 208 for every French citizen in what amounts to a cultural welfare state. You would think that by now the world has enough pretentious film noir but the self elected elite of our nearest neighbour clearly don’t think so. That however is entirely their own business & if the French taxpayer wants to fund more satirical mimes that criticise government wastefulness, that is entirely their own business. In my most humble of opinions, a complete lack of transgender theatre workshops is a very positive step in the right direction but then again you really cannot expect a country that drives on an unnatural side of the road to remain objective about such matters when as a society it is busy reinterpreting cubism from the existential perspective

Now whilst were are touching upon perspective, it is interesting to note that French politicians don’t currently seem too consumed by issues like unemployment that might well break 10% - instead their pint sized premier, has been talking about a topic that might as well be verboten in the Islamic Republic of Great Britain

President Sarkozy threw his weight yesterday behind attempts to bar French Muslim women from covering their faces in public, calling their full-body dress a “debasement of women”. Mr Sarkozy made his attack on a small but growing number of fundamentalist women in a “state of the nation” speech...

“In our country we cannot accept that women be prisoners behind a screen, cut off from all social life, deprived of all identity,” Mr Sarkozy said to applause in the parliament’s ceremonial Versailles home. “The burka is not a religious sign. It is a sign of subservience, a sign of debasement,” he added. “It will not be welcome on the territory of the French Republic.”

Of course there are those who have decried Sarko saying that this is all a populist stunt & given that France’s Mohammadans are even more oversensitive than a Welshman with a grievance, this might indeed be a thinly veiled (please forgive the pun) attempt to pump prime the domestic auto industry. Normally, the sight of a mere croissant is such an offence against Islam that yoooofs are on the streets torching cars with gay abandon. Therefore slagging off black tents must surely ensure that Renault dealerships will be selling lots of replacement vehicles once the annual 11 month long rioting season ends

On this side of the channel predictably there has been & there won’t be any such debate because Islamo-appeasers deem the topic it to be too racist/offensive etc etc etc. In any case, I feel that government has absolutely no place in dictating what anyone can & cannot wear. Therefore in complete defiance of increasingly intrusive European governments, you humble correspondent will support freedom to dress as you damn well please & from now on sport his own non judgmental, gender neutral & post feminist reinterpretation of the burkha

The Peoples Prancer & Patron Saint of Dysmorphia?

I might well not be alone in not giving a stuff that Michael Jackson is brown bread - in fact driving to the station on Monday morning, his passing provided a moment of such unmitigated hilarity that probably could only be surpassed by stamping on Ed Balls head until he finally shuts up as a result of massive cranial trauma. It was a glorious summers morning & I am charging through the Vale trying to run over as many little fluffy bunnies as I race for my train – last week’s total was 3 Peter Rabbits & a pigeon – when on the radio comes some showbiz bloke at the BET Awards, banging on about how the late Mr Jackson had been a ‘black man’. Oh how your humble correspondent laughed at the irony as little Cottontail went squish under Disco Dave's wheels

Aside from Flopsey’s demise, the wacked out one is now in the process of ascending to full on martyr status & lo the flags on government buildings were lowered to half mast & the celebrity sob-a-thon starts once again.

The BBC has already flown Newsnight's Emily Maitlis & a vast taxpayer-funded retinue to the scene of the tragedy, and the ether is being churned with her heavyweight political and cultural apercus

Needless to say I have already asked my tailor to build me a rhinestone studded tribute suit & tonight I am off to the candle lit vigil - as Boris commented yesterday

And who can fault the BBC's news judgment? By the middle of this week, senior politicians will no doubt be chivvied in front of the camera to confirm that he was the prince of pop, or the people's prancer, and Gordon Brown will probably moonwalk into Prime Minister's questions.

& maybe Channel 4 will do one of those list shows...Michael Jackson’s Top 10 Cosmetic Surgical Procedures. Pah!

& to conclude our Silly Season season: Too many freaks, not enough circuses

Over the last few days we have covered some of the other side of life down in these yerrr parrrrrts: crop circles, Stonehenge & the summer solstice, the Glastonbury music festival & pubs frequented by the I-believe-in-UFOs-brigade. However I really wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. I thoroughly enjoy that particular time of time when our little corner of Blighty is overrun with hippies, new agers, Guardian reading pagan worshippers & their entourage of soap dodging dole moles

Free Market Towers is roughly mid way between Stonehenge & Avebury; accordingly your humble correspondent has the opportunity to examine some of those that follow an alternative lifestyle, in person & at short range, if you get my drift! Anyway, for me, this years solstice was regrettably marred but my flame thrower inexplicably failing to function. The finger of suspicion must point to Mrs Free Market who I strongly suspect has been engaging in “debates” with hunt saboteur scumbag pondlife

It is not that I feel honouring Mother Earth is a load of utter codswallop that it is. But quite why they need to crawl all over a World Heritage Site is beyond me. Fine, if you want to smear yourself in wode, don a rabbit skin codpiece & dance around in the woods with daisies in your hair - that is entirely your own business. However their so-called beliefs require marshals & an increased police presence I start to draw the line. However, it never ceases to amaze me how many of them seem to do this for a living, with no visible means of financial support. It puts a slightly different slant on Glastonbury’s rock n roll

They weave their way across the shires in their hippy vans, no road tax, MOTs or vehicle insurance & the police do nothing. If any normal person drove a van in that condition you would be up in front of the beak quicker than you can say 3 month driving ban. But have you ever looked at any of these vehicles; festooned in Greenpeace slogans, all with smoke stacks belching more emissions that the most gas- guzzling of gas-guzzling SUVs. They invade private land & block byways with their encampments, but hey, property is like err theft man & like we have the right to roam over un-harvested crops.

At the other end of the spectrum are the Trustafarians, living on the front line in Notting Hill Gate - campaigning for every fashionable cause going, decked out in this seasons Stella McCartney Age of Aquarius collection topped off with a Hermes festival-titfer. rocking against globalisation in £150 sunglasses (that incidentally are made in Indonesia) because Daddy owns large blocks of stock in multi-national corporations

So while the hippies get into the vibe, your humble correspondent will get into his Landrover for some of the finest sport available to stout bulldogs during the summer months. What finer way to spend the long evenings than chasing some weekend white Rastafarians across the fields in your 4x4 even doped up to the eyeballs they are quicker than a greased weasel when properly incentivised by over a tonne of Landrover bearing down on them.

What japes dear readers, what japes

Are you really surprised?

The BBC has come under fire for sending 415 people to cover this weekend's Glastonbury festival. The number, which included many senior executives such as the deputy director general and the chairman of the BBC Trust, is just 22 fewer than corporation flew out to film last year's Beijing Olympics. The cost to the BBC of covering the event, excluding any fee paid to the organisers of Glastonbury, is estimated to be £1.5million.

Just remember dear readers, high quality programming like this can only be brought to you by the unique way the BBC is funded

Mud, money & festival free enterprise (Reprised)

I know that I continually get accused of living in the past but I can help but comparing the young men that appear in our In This Day entries with the slack jawed Playstation obsessed yoof of today, who also seem to wallow in the mud … but on the mud of the Somme. That has been replaced by the mud of Glastonbury, which takes place this weekend . This means by now just about every Vets surgery in South West England has been stripped of Ketamine

Lucky for the young'uns, these days the heavy metal isn’t red hot shrapnel fired by the Boche at our grandfathers when then were that age – it’s a sheeeeeeeek of equally long haired chavs with laces undone & tousers halfway down to their ankles, belting the merry hell out of some electric guitars with lumps of lead piping … & there was me thinking that white noise was what they subjected you to during resistance to interegation training. I am starting to feel my age

Now it isnt just your humble corrspondent who is somewhat bemused by the whole Glastonbury vibe. Clarkson-san, writing in The Times …

On Friday morning my wife got dressed up like Worzel Gummidge, put some bog roll in a bag and roared off in her Aston Martin to watch a bunch of useless teenagers singing in the rain at Glastonbury. I think she may have gone mad. And she’s not alone. Helicopter companies all over the southwest have reported a booming demand for charters. Everyone in the de luxe tenting business is now on a beach in Barbados and all last week Brixton was doubtless awash with hedge fund managers and BBC programme controllers trying to buy drugs.
And getting the wrong sort. “Yeah, man. You gotta try some of this horse tranquilliser. It’ll even you out.” Honestly, I bet that this morning Glastonbury is full to overflowing with your accountant calling all the policemen pigs and trying to reverse onto a selection of other men, having ingested six gallons of crystal meth.

I have no problem with that. I’m not going to spend the next foot of newsprint berating you for not acting your age and laughing at you as you try to remember how to roll a joint. But I do have a problem with Glastonbury.

Now whilst getting soaked to the skin whilst sewage contaminated mud swills over the tops of your wellies might not be your idea of fun, but the whole Glasto concept is one that we should all embrace … & why, might come as a little surprise. Forget all the tie dye hippy Nu-Earth festival nonesense that get trotted out on occasions, what Gastonbury is all about & make no mistake about this, is not naked new age travellers – its bare faced CAPITALISM.

The Somerset ‘levels’ has, well to put it politely, a very limited genetic pool – eleven toes is pretty much the norm & opposed thumbs a novelty. Yet one farmer has sought ride pretty much roughshod over the UK’s inequitous planning system, to redeploy one of the factors of production more efficently & produce a global brand in the process. How much is a ticket, £150? Nearly 180,0000 people pay that to go & stand in a waterlogged field. That’s over 25 million quid in turnover. Talk about diversification of agricultureal income streams. With that sort of cashflow you don’t need to worry about trying to get permission to convert the old cow sheds to holiday homes

& what does all this money produce? People travel huge distances to establish a new community where all kinds of trade & commerce take place on land that was previously, much less productive. No figures are available for what is produced in three days in terms of GDP but I will bet you penny to a pound that is sure beats goat farming.

The whole event has changed over the years form when it started as a haven for refugees from the 1960’s & the brand has refined itself. These days local lads charge £50 a time to pull BMWs out of the car park gloop with their tractors. Hells teeth, the place requires a 30 MW power supply to keep peoples iPods & mobile phones charged – that’s about what the City of Bath consumes. So much for the carbon footprint,eh? Want a colestoral free fairtrade yak burger? £8.50 & yes sir, we do accept Amex.

So this morning dear readers, we applude the free enterprise of this business model & we embrace the concept of relieving stupid people of large amounts of cash so that they can go & sink in the mire. They do so of their own volition but let’s just be sure that we Hoover their wallets on the way. Forget Flanders, that never turned a profit. & before anyone asks, next year the Free Market Corporation will be taking a trade stand to peddle useless wares to the terminally stupid.

As Gordon Gekko so perceptively pointed out, it isnt that the fool & his money are soon parted, it’s a miricle that they even got together in the first place & no doubt our exclusive range of wellington boots (bought from the local farm shop for a fiver a pair) will sell very very well at the special festival offer price of £40

Giant bubbles – giant waste of money

As economic activity declines still further & the purse strings get ever tighter, it really does take (local) government to find bigger & better ways to spend dwindling revenues

Two giant musical inflatable spheres will be floating across a Norfolk broad to help residents relax. South Norfolk Council is hosting Midsummer Chillax (a combination of the words chill and relax) at Whitlingham Country Park, near Norwich.

One sphere will contain a flautist and the other an aerial dancer. A council spokeswoman said the free event was aimed at "banishing recession blues" and entertaining the "staycation generation of holidaymakers"

Apparently...

Councillor Michelle Monck, South Norfolk cabinet member for leisure, said: "[It is] our attempt to counter the economic doom and gloom with a range of free and low cost, fun and culturally vibrant events for local residents and visitors to enjoy."

No doubt Councillor Mong thinks that the taxpayer will enjoy their hard earned holidays all the more in the clear knowledge that the public’s money is being so frivolously spunked away.

But on a happier note Generalissimo Free Market has already given orders that Light Coastal Forces in the shape of the FMS Bumboat Jollyboy commanded by the redoubtable Admiral of the Rear Free Market be deployed.

Equipped with the very latest naval weapons systems & half a case of Pusser’s gin, the Admiral , eschewing the delights of 00-Buck, reports that the primary armament, the fearsome BBB*, is already loaded with grape sufficient to deal with any watery tarts flautists. Indeed cultural events will be made all the more vibrant by the sight of aerial dancers in giant bubbles being engaged with a couple of pounds of chain shot!

The other half a case of of the Admiral's gin goes to reader BD for uncovering this nonsense

*BBB:- Big Ba*stard Bondook

Cleaning up after the hippies

As was so correctly pointed out in the comments about yesterday’s summer solstice post, the New Age hippy drippy dope smoking scarifies are more than ready or bang on about the environment & yet they take every opportunity to treat it with the utmost contempt
Sadly, it reminds of the last Countryside Alliance march in London when half a million of us wurzels went to protest about the Hunting Ban: afterwards there was simply no litter dumped on the streets. This surprised some commentators but to be honest, not me. However when you look at how these ‘worshippers’ treat an archaeological site of global importance...

... it is worth recalling that there are countrymen & those that go to the country. Never ever get the two confused

If it were down to me, next year would simply be cancelled already. That is how you would deal with children - you treat them like children & if these people don’t have enough respect to take their litter home then why should the taxpayer have to foot the cleanup bill?

Mind you, given that over thirty people got themselves arrested – a figure which is far too low in my humble opinion – I feel strongly that following a swift appearance in front of the Beak they could be quite usefully put to work spend the rest of this week clearing the place up. I know I know, that could be considered to be degrading & infringing their so-called Human Rights – well the alternative is that instead of the Beak, dissenters & their barrack room lawyers could have their cases elevated to be heard by Hanging Judge Free Market's Bloody Assizes – trust me, in that instance, these scumbags wouldn’t be putting rubbish into bin liners ... their decomposing remains would be found in them

A spot a housekeeping from last week

You might recall the story of Fata Lemes - but just in case you have already tried to expunge the memory of this sorry individual

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

We here is a picture of Ms. Lemes in her work frock which clearly disgusting & as she says absolutely makes her look like a prostitute

& for the avoidance of doubt, this is a picture of Ms. Lemes from her Facebook profile...

I refer you to the quote at the top of this post & leave it you dear readers to speculate about the motive in taking her former employers to Court

Stonehenge & the summer solstice

Its official, the evenings are starting to draw in as last weekend saw the passing of the summer solstice which seems to have become the cue for hippy van loads of soap dodgers to converge on these yerrrrr parrrrts to expirence the errrrrr mysticism of the sunrise ... yeah right! There were only 37 arrests this year.

At the moment you cant get down any of the byways that crisscross this part of the world without ending up scraping the side of some untaxed, uninsured rainbow wagon with the mower on the back of your tractor & don’t ask me how I know this

Maybe I am missing something here but as middle age fast approaches & I am consumed with the urge to get into model railways in a serious way, this whole druidic thing still completely mystifies me. There are frauds perpetrated by that nice Mr Madoff & then there are altogether big frauds like the climate change hysteria. Up there with that is this druid tosh. For a Celtic belief system for which no records exist – not one – people seem to have a pretty accurate view of their long lost rituals & dress codes...

& so it is only right that we allow their worshippers to on to a archaeological site of global significance.

If it were down to your humble correspondent & lets all hope that next year it is, the god of fire in the shape of some military grade flamethrowers will be making an appearance at the summer solstice ceremonies - burning that lot to cinder in the finest Norse tradition (for which incidentally records do existing) must surely do society a favour.

& now I have got that off my chest, I need to go & put the foxing lamps on charge – this evening we are out across the fields, fully tooled up to look for red dogs encourage still stoned stragglers to be on their way

Sometimes we can learn from other cultures

Last week we touched upon cocktail waitresses’ dresses, this morning I thought that we would start our week with school girls’ skirts or to be precise, the miniskirts unless anyone has an objection to that? No? OK so I will continue with this sad news from Upton by Chester High School.

100 pupils walk out of high school in protest at ban on short skirts

Now normally we might be expected to offer join in such protests in the hope of achieving such lofty goals however before you start painting the placards, you might want to take a quick shufti at Chloe & Stacey Tate, who are at the centre of the row...

Now far from it for me to make personal remarks about anyone except politicians, lawyers, environmentalists etc etc etc but just for once I cannot help thinking that these young (ahem) ladies should adopt a slightly more demure attire...

...such as burkhas! Frankly I’d say that headteacher Jane Holland at the school is doing everyone a huge favour but for a slightly more earthy discourse on this story, the soldiery have a thread running on ARRSE

The Final Cut?

The irony that this article was sent to me by reader EX-STAB. Happily he is so named not because he has a reputation for gettin’ jiggy wiv a blade, a Lee Enfield topped off with some cold British steel is more his style, but he has many years service as a member of the Territorial Army. The regular Army have been known to refer to the TA disparagingly as STABs which is an acronym for Stupid TA Ba*stard, hence his nickname.

Now while we are on this topic & purely in the interests of editorial balance it is worth pointing out that that the STABs refer to their regular colleagues as ARABS; Arrogant Regular Army Ba*stards. However let’s not dwell upon fantasies of plunging sword bayonets into the chest cavities of expenses fiddling MPs & take as our breakfast digestif, Nanny’s latest idea...

The first "anti-stab" knife will soon go on sale in Britain and has been designed to work as normal in the kitchen, but be ineffective as a weapon. The knife has a unique "combination tip" that reduces the risk of injury. The tip has a rounded edge instead of a point and the blade for cutting is underneath. While it can chop vegetables, the tip makes penetration more difficult. It also snags on clothing and skin, making it very unlikely to inflict a fatal wound.

In response to this utter nonsense & having seen an emerging gap in the market, the Free Market Corporation is this morning proud to announce its new range of street brawl blades & its flagship model, The Slasher

Targeted directly at underage urban yoffs that have been recently dissed, it is guaranteed to deliver not only complete customer satisfaction & but also fatal puncture wounds.

Next week Nanny will introducing ladders you can’t climb, roads you are unable to cross & hypoallergenic cotton wool but fear not dear readers, as I type this FM Corporation scientists are working through the night to develop the sort of products that you the customer not only demand, but have a right to

Race & Religion 3: Putting the ban into D'Rabbanan

Over the last day or so we have been having a little pop at the Mohammedan for being a gang of utter utter numpties. Today, as just to show that religious bias is not tolerated here – all are treated with equal distain – it’s the turn of the Red Sea Pedestrians ...

A couple have taken legal action after claiming motion sensors installed at their holiday flat in Dorset breached their rights as Orthodox Jews. Gordon and Dena Coleman said they cannot leave or enter their Bournemouth flat on the Sabbath because the hallway sensors automatically switch on lights. The couple's religious code bans lights and other electrical equipment being switched on during Jewish holidays.

They have now issued a county court writ claiming religious discrimination. They also claim breach of their rights under the Equality Act 2006 and Human Rights Act 1998 and the case is due to be heard at Bournemouth County Court next month

The answer remains the same in all instances: if you don't like it here, you have the right to leave at any time

Cultural attitudes

The News Junkie found this interesting little piece

The Economist reports on a Harvard study that confirms what common sense would suggest: Immigrants bring with them the cultural attitudes of their home countries, and those attitudes persist in their children

Set aside the immigrant thang for just moment: it seems entirely logical that children are highly likely to inherit genetic abnormalities, unpaid credit card bills, as well as their parents' cultural attitudes. This is possibly why your humble correspondent’s seven year old daughter uses the word gay as a pejorative term.

Hold on....whats that? I think I can hear Social Services hammering at the front door.......

Meanwhile, down in these yerrr parrrrts....

Crop circle experts believe the latest pattern to be discovered, a phoenix rising from the flames in Wiltshire, may give a warning about the end of the world

....arrrggggghhhhhh......it’s that stupid time of year again when every Norman No-Mates mystic numpty twat dons druidic dress & starts talking complete & utter bollocks

The 400-foot design was discovered in a barley field in Yatesbury near Devizes and depicts the mythical phoenix reborn as it rises from the ashes. Investigators claim more formations are referencing the possibility of a cataclysmic event occurring on December 21, 2012, which coincides with the end of the ancient Mayan calendar.

Really?

So swine flu isn’t going to wipe us all out despite just having had its first success in Blighty although killing some Scottish woman doesn’t really count in exactly the same way that if some pandemic decimates Mexico, a few American lawns won’t get mown & that’s about it . But oh no, this time it really is going to be different. No really...

The Mayan's believed civilisation exists within a series earth cycles of 144,000 days each with the 13th expiring in December 2012, resulting in Armageddon. Crop circle enthusiast Karen Alexander, from Gosport, Hants, said

“The phoenix is a mythical creature which symbolises rebirth and a new era in many cultures across the world. Within the crop circle community many believe the designs are constantly referring to December 21 and its aftermath. This could be interpreted as the human race or earth rising again after a monumental event.”

So let’s be absolutely clear here Karen, a few boys have a few pints of finest foaming one night & then go out with the planks & bale twine for a bit of a giggle. Instead of a couple of alka seltza the next morning, suddenly the world is going to end because the Mayans said so? Is it worth pointing out that if the Mayans weren’t all already dead they would all be currently dying from a severe bout of the snuffles which is no doubt also predicted by ruining corn fields in Wiltshire. So how does that work exactly? Come on Karen, when you are not getting off on crop damage, which one really does it for you? Dungeons & Dragons or World of Warcraft?

Race & Religion 1: Rod Little is talking sense (again)

& can add nothing to this. Read, learn, inwardly digest.

Perhaps it will come as a vague consolation to the parents of Ben Kinsella that he was not murdered for racial reasons, but simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, as they say. Ben, aged 16, who was white, was stabbed to death by three black men near a nightclub in north London; there was no apparent motive for the murder.

We skirt this issue, mostly for decent, if deluding reasons – that a proportion of young black males is more likely to commit violent crime than other sectors of the population. It is a form of racism, though, to assume that the problem is simply a given, and unalterable – but we have been hamstrung in our attempts to deal with it for reasons of political correctness.

Race & Religion 2: Putting the mad back into Mohammadian

I know the Rocket Bar quite well (don’t ask) but before anyone says anything, it’s not that sort of a bar where gentleman might strike a fiscal arrangement with a young lady. There are some bars that you would rather not be photographed leaving but this isn’t one. In fact it is a regular post office watering hole for Mayfair’s young professionals even if it seems to have among its clientele, a surfeit of top totty (allegedly). Well not quite according to one ex-employee

Deep breath & here we go dear readers.....

A Muslim waitress has been awarded a £3,000 pay out for sexual harassment after being made to wear a revealing red dress for work. Fata Lemes, 33, quit her job after claiming that the low-cut dress was “disgusting” and made her look like a “prostitute”. Miss Lemes, a Bosnian Muslim, had told an employment tribunal that she “might as well have been naked” in the dress. “I was brought up a Muslim and am not used to wearing sexually attractive clothes,” she said

& the sexually revealing dress in question looks like... well this

Sorry boys I know it is all rather tame but

The tribunal said Miss Lemes’s £20,000 compensation claim - including £17,500 for hurt feelings - was “manifestly absurd”. Instead they awarded her £2,919.95 for both hurt feelings and loss of earnings

WTF!!!! You sponging little scrubber.

Given the amount of screaming your humble correspondent has been subjected to from aggrieved shareholders over the last 9 months, my employment claim for hurt feelings should be larger than your average bank bailout & before anybody else asks, I would have no problem in wearing a little red number to work, in fact this morning.....

More here, here & here

Snake Oil

I have to confess to being mildly amused by this...

An Oxford University graduate died after being injected with an experimental anti-ageing drug by her sister, a GP. Yolanda Cox, 22, suffered a massive allergic reaction after being given three times the normal dose as part of a test of the unlicensed drug invented by their mother.
Mrs Cox had been married for just nine months when she agreed to be a guinea pig for the drug, which the family also believed to be effective against cancer and diabetes.

It not that medical research, serious medical reserch should be taken at all lightly, but these muppets weren't just playing at it, they were positively dangerous

Hospital doctors and paramedics said the family resisted requests to give them information about the drug even when Mrs Cox was in intensive care, the inquest heard. Dr Alexander Mackay, of the Royal Free Hospital, said: 'The family were extremely reluctant to go into detail about the drug. They wouldn't say what was in it, and said I didn't need to know

My only regret about this story is that the rest of the family didn't each have a large shot of their homemade drug in their glasses of Cool Aid.

"School bans 'dangerous' swimming goggles"

Following on the utter tonk from the Health & Safety Executive yesterday, we have this...

Teachers and governors at Ysgol Bryn Coch junior school, in Mold, north Wales, said a child could be seriously injured if a pair of goggles was "snapped" onto their face too hard, or if a lens popped out unexpectedly

Apparently...

Headmistress Lynne Williams said: "It has been recognised by the British Association of Advisors and Lecturers in Physical Education that goggles can pose a real risk to children, and this has been accepted by the governors."

A spokesman for Flintshire County Council said: "There is a legal responsibility for school governors, headteachers and teaching staff to ensure that health and safety policy is followed."

Kill Kill Kill

Death to the Health & Safety oppressors

For most visitors, the only injury likely to befall them is a pricked finger or a little sunburn.
But that hasn’t stopped health and safety officials claiming pick-your-own fruit farms could be hiding a host of hazards within their hedgerows. Yesterday, one of the country’s most popular strawberry farms announced it is to close to the public after being ordered to ‘radically refurbish’ its land following a risk assessment.

Clearly Generalissimo Free Market's Martini Doctrine needs to immediately be extended beyond the legal profession to include all members of the Health & Safety Executive as well as employees of wanky insurance companies. Slaughter every single last one of them. Without pity. Without remorse.

Titfers

We first touched upon titfers back in 2004 on the eve of our annual outing to Royal Ascot – a trip that Family FM no longer make on the basis that these days attendees of the Royal Enclosure seem to have to keep being reminded about what constitutes acceptable dress for such an event. We do not feel the need to keep such company & if anyone considers that to be snobbish, so be it. My topper will probably spend this summer in its box, awaiting a more gentile invitation before its next outing

However that does bring me rather neatly to our first topic of the day & the news that this year’s ‘winner’ of Celebrity Hat Wearers is Hugh Jackman ... which is an interesting choice given that Australia’s contribution is to the lost sartorial art of proper headdress is somewhat slightly limited.

Now anticipating angry emails from Kangadung Creek that start with the electronic equivalent of awwwwwwwwww mate, I will caveat my last comment by simply adding that setting all of that dangling corks nonsense to one side for a moment, that great country is indeed responsible for two of the most feared forms of head dress known to man: namely the Australian Army’s slouch hat

& the possibly even more feared green baggy cap of the Australian cricket team ... & no, I don’t fancy England’s chances in the forthcoming Ashes series

However to get back on topic for just a moment, I lament the passing of hats, proper hats - not the aberrations that so many yoofs, trubadors & minstrels insist on wearing these days. Aside from my aforementioned topper, I own several trilbies, a panama, a very battered boater not to mention numerous shooting caps ranging from a shorty to a full on Berttie Wooster.

If you must insist on wearing one of those ubiquitous baseball caps so be it - however on sunny days you would do much better with one of these...

After all, you can hardly raise what is essentially a piece of child’s clothing to a young lady & still look the part. Next up will be covering equally weight topics such as the merits of the monocle & why you should wear one out of pure affectation

P.J. O’Rourke on why Americans fell out of love with the automobile & the death of Detroit

The phrase “bankrupt General Motors,” which we expect to hear uttered on Monday, leaves Americans my age in economic shock. The words are as melodramatic as “Mom’s nude photos.” And, indeed, if we want to understand what doomed the American automobile, we should give up on economics and turn to melodrama.

Horsepower is not a quaint leftover of linguistics or a vague metaphoric anachronism. James Watt, father of the steam engine and progenitor of the industrial revolution, lacked a measurement for the movement of weight over distance in time—what we call energy. (What we call energy wasn’t even an intellectual concept in the late 18th century—in case you think the recent collapse of global capitalism was history’s most transformative moment.) Mr. Watt did research using draft animals and found that, under optimal conditions, a dray horse could lift 33,000 pounds one foot off the ground in one minute. Mr. Watt—the eponymous watt not yet existing—called this unit of energy “1 horse-power.”

Found in the Wall Street Journal by The Barrister

Post hoc ergo propter hoc

& yesterdays Hero of the Day is Professor Gordon Hughes from the Department of Economics of the University of Edinburgh, for this...

Sir,

Finally, Professor Steve Field claims that climate change is the biggest health challenge of the 21st century. This is a meaningless statement, even if it comes from the World Health Organisation, since it relies upon knowledge that is not and cannot be available. Serious attempts to examine the evidence have concluded that current and future mortality and morbidity due to indoor air pollution, poor water and sanitation and malaria alone vastly exceed any plausible estimates of the impact of future climate change on health up to 2100. Further, resources used to fund good policies and investments in infrastructure today will greatly reduce the future impact of climate change in 50 or 100 years. That is why mitigating climate change has a real cost, because in reality it diverts resources from tackling big problems today.

published in yesterdays edition of The Times

Shooting back is against the law if you are a policeman

The other week we touched upon the G20 protests riot & why the Metropolitan Police we completely correct to start cracking skulls but just to reiterate, if you want to peaceably protest, thats fine: if you want a scrap, then expect to be given some senior pagga*. However the case of Mark Saunders is several standard deviations worse, but before we dive headlong into invective & vitriol, lets look at the facts of the case:

1. There was a five our armed standoff with the police in Central London

2. During the standoff Mark Saunders fired his shotgun at police & at his neighbours

3. Saunders ended the day dead.

Now those are the facts & it it would seem that the police acted to prevent a very dangerous situation getting worse. However I did forget one thing - just a small thing - other than the fact he looked like a really smary git ...

... Mark Saunders was a lawyer which is possibly why he looked like a really smary git.

Now if it were down to me & by all that is good & light, I hope that it one day will be, the police have have an open mandate to gun down lawyers without having to show good reason. It will be known as Generalissimo Free Market’s Martini Doctrine – as in anytime, anyplace, anywhere. Those of us that have been involved in pest control know that you will never be able to completely exterminate vermin: however if we could manage say a 95% annual cull of the legal profession, within 24 months lawyers will become a statistical irrelevance & the world will become a better place.

& yet in Browntown, the officers that performed this sterling community service may now face charges

Prosecutors are to consider whether to bring charges over the shooting of a lawyer by police officers in London. The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) has completed an inquiry into the death of Mark Saunders, 32, in Chelsea in May 2008. Mr Saunders was shot dead by Met Police marksmen after a five-hour stand-off at his flat. The IPCC has decided to pass the file to the Crown Prosecution Service for consideration over possible charges

To my mind, the only issue that I have with this case is the question of the armed officers’ marksmanship skills

The IPCC evidence showed seven officers fired 11 rounds at Mr Saunders. The barrister was hit five times and was shot in the head, the heart and the liver.

Now there are those of you that will opine quite reasonably that when it comes to freeing Blighty from the Tyranny of the Lawyers with which we are so cursed, a 45% hit rate is acceptable: to my alcohol ravaged mind, if we are ever to end the Legal Hegemony, better marksmanship will be required

But to return to the central theme here, it doesn’t matter which way to cut it – you end up in an armed confrontation with police & start shooting, they are going to shoot back & rightly so. Period. Only a lawyer (or all of his lawyer mates) would have the temerity to try & argue otherwise which is why we need The Cull to start forthwith ... if not sooner.

* Pagga: Slang term for a large street-fight involving several people all laying into each other with fists, feet, bottles, pool cues and whatever else comes to hand. Thought to derive from "pandemonium

A chip off the old block?

It probably isn’t a surprise but over the years we have covered quite a few old the exploits of Abu Hamza (here, here, here & here), however a swift read of the news reveals that like father, like son & The Hamster’s sons are now following in their father’s footsteps ... right into the Criminal Justice System

Three sons of jailed cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri have admitted exploiting a loophole in the vehicle registration system to commit a £1m luxury car scam. His sons Hamza Kamel, 22, and Mohamed Mostafa, 27

ran the two-year fraud with his stepson Mohssin Ghailam, 28. Southwark Crown Court heard they targeted cars in long-stay car parks, fraudulently obtaining their log books and keys before selling the cars on.

Given that Old Hookie, a disciple of the finest minds of the Middle Ages, is an advocate of Sherry Law, will he be asking that they receive a) a softy UK prison cell & early release because they are being victimised because of their ‘faith’, or b) a slightly more traditional Mohammodan punishment?

Apparently Southwark Crown Court will be sentencing this pondlife today – rest assured dear readers, Hanging Judge Free Market couriered over some very amusing ideas for suitable sentences first thing this morning

& now a little something to cheer us all up

A homeowner has been ordered to switch off his £20,000 wind turbine following complaints from neighbours that it is too loud.

Wind turbine ... £20,000
Legal costs ... £5,392
Being ordered by the Courts to turn the damn thing off ... Priceless

Sometimes just sometimes, sustainability is a wonderful thing

De inimico non loquaris sed cogites

For starters dear readers can we take is as a given that if television set is now riddled with bullet holes & what little remaining glassware we had is now strewn across the floor. It’s not that your humble correspondent has been reading the latest details of exactly how much our political overlords have been embezzling from the taxpayer, in fact I returned to Free Market Towers in uncharacteristic good humour yesterday evening. My cursory check of the grounds revealed a purple Kagol bedecked rambler caught in one of the mantraps in the Lower Paddock: so having dispatched beardo & dumped the lifeless corpse in the swallow trench that is normally reserved for Green Party canvassers, I settled down to the earnest task of barbequing some suitably bloody bits of dead cow & thence graft myself onto the sofa of sloth with a bottle of something dark & peaty for the remainder of the evening.

Eschewing the somewhat dubious entertainment value of anything presented by that pair of Geordie twats, my attention was drawn to Who’s Watching You which was being shown by the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation which is...

A new three part series looks at why the UK has become one of the most watched places in the world - with millions of CCTV cameras, a growing network of number plate recognition cameras, one of the largest DNA databases in the world and government plans for the basic details of all our phone calls e-mails, and every internet site we visit to be logged and kept

... which is really really nice because they will then have an extensive record of all of the How to Slaughter Government Snoopers Slowly & Painfully websites that I have visited over the years. In fact, the more that programme went on, the more rounds that we loosed across the sitting round & crockery thrown through the by now broken windows.

After an hour & the makings of a vast “accidental damage” insurance claim later, the only argument that I heard in favour of the staggering levels of surveillance that we stout bulldogs are subjected to is that “if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear” from the hundreds & yes, I do mean hundreds of government agencies that have you under regular & unregulated surveillance.

Nothing to fear, my ar*e! Hang every one of those b*stards now. Without exception, without remorse.

The Westminster Village, having been too consumed with spurious expenses claims to do the job that they are actually paid huge sums of money to do, has made a complete & utter unmitigated mess of what was once Gods own country. In happier times, we civilised the World & those parts that we didn’t civilise have yet to be civilised. Successive governments & their willing unelected overpaid acolytes are now trying to cover up their catastrophic incompetence in every policy area that you care to mention by now spying on us.

You pondlife have created a semi-literate feral underclass which apparently I have to pay for. Why exactly? Apologises to not filing a tax return form but I have been too busy destruction testing CCTV cameras with a 14 pound sledge hammer. Of course, if I was Westminster pondlife life, I could claim back the cost of employing an accountant to do the forms for me ... something that is denied to Blighty’s hardworking taxpayers.

So you resort to firming everyone all the time in the “interests of public safety” – well I suppose that at least all of those government agencies that spend so long recording what we do, will one day be able to see the lynch mob that comes for them.

Peter Andre & Bear Grylls in the same post - never say I don't push the boundaries of what is possible

Can it be true, have Katie & Peter really split up – come on, who is really going to admit to caring about anything other than whether these two vapid meeeeejar creations are doing anything other than rotting in shallow graves. Katie Price’s only contribution to society is to use up what little remained of the World’s silicon reserves after they had finished strip mining the small amount left over once Pammy was done.

Peter has contributed nothing to anything ever, save for being living proof that inappropriate use of hair products by men make you look an utter utter twat. Collectively, they have further diluted the integrity of the gene pool by spawning. For that crime as well as making unutterably bad reality TV shows, forget the divorce courts, all that should beckon both of ‘em is an early morning appointment with a noose.

But putting that to one side for a moment, we must turn our attention to important matters.
The question the weighs heavy on my mind this morning, is the news that Bear Grylls has been appointed Chief Scout. So in turn, the question I pose you this morning dear readers is that if you were out in the deep green oolu & down to your last bandana, who would you pick: Bear dib dib dib Grylls

or Ray fatty Mears

As ever, you the reader decide

& the problem is what exactly?

I have to confess to being slightly perplexed at the witch hunt that Parliament seems to trying to hold over the policing of the G20 demonstrations: as a taxpayer who likes to feel he is getting value for money from public services, surely if the Police are not fully employed with the unprovoked beating of immigrants & ethnic minorities, then I can think of no better employment for plod than administering proper kickings to a bunch of soap dodging eco-scumbag dole moles & assorted anti-capitalist social misfits.

Indeed if the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police were to promise me that I would be remunerated in direct proportion to the number of hippies & mini-cab drivers I hospitalise, hand on heart I’d have to ask, where’s the dotted line, riot stick & CS gas?

By any sane measure, a huge number of the G20 protesters we well & truly up for a violent confrontation with the police – frankly it would have been beyond churlish not to beat at least a few of them to a bloodied pulp. Think of it less as the Met exceeding its powers & more as simply meeting visitor expectations. With Sterling languishing at record lows against just about any other currency you care to mention, London is awash with tourists – could we turn this into some sort of visitor attraction? I wager you that there is good money to be made from the TV rights. Forget Richard & Judy or the plethora of makeover shows that seem to dominate prime time scheduling ... won’t you much rather be watching a bunch anaemic Italian crypto-anarchists taking a well rounded shoeing from the lads at Walthamstow nick?

Now before anyone tries to seize the moral high ground & start banging on about that newspaper seller that had a heart attack – sad though it may be, judging from the number of people that have unsuccessfully tried to sell me a copy of the Big Issue this week, we can afford to go a few light in that department at the moment. Think of it like lawyers; it doesn’t matter how many die, there always seem to be more.

As for the whole protesting thing, I don’t feel that we protest enough – it’s a character flaw in the bulldog personality. We are way way too polite & we should protest against a whole raft of things, but we don’t: possibly because the Westminster trough feeders are far too superior to listen to vox populi. They are in fact way too busy writing the works of fiction that are their expenses claims to bother with such minor things as the concerns of voters. But I have absolutely no problem with anyone peaceably taking there grievance to Parliament Square unless you are an Indian waiter carping on about what is going on somewhere that has nothing to do with Blighty anymore & blocking the traffic. Please I beseech you, go back to work because at the moment it’s almost impossible to get any service in any of the many curry houses I frequent – frankly I really don’t care if the Ceylonese government is shelling women & children, I just want my Chicken Jalfrezi. No really.

But to return finally to the deep greens, social malcontents & the economically immature – they wanted a punch up & they got one.

However some officers might just like to note that you can get more than one unconscious neo-Marxist politics student into an ambulance. When it comes to the likes of say errrrrrrr hunt saboteurs, (allegedly) the door of the blacksmiths Toyota pick-up is remarkably efficient in ensuring that the local Accident & Emergency ward sees an increase in admissions. As others would say, don’t ask me how I know this

"...civil servants and elected councillors will opt for vegetarian meals."

The Belgian city of Ghent is about to become the first in the world to go vegetarian at least once a week.

Starting this week there will be a regular weekly meatless day, in which civil servants and elected councillors will opt for vegetarian meals.

This only serves to reinforce the deep seated prejudices that I hold against the Continent in general & the Belgium in particular

The Fighting Lumleys

It is no wonder that Joanna Lumley is fighting so hard for Gurkhas rights when you read the story of her father's service with them, pointed out by McHugh & before anyone asks, Major James Lumley is on the right in the picture

It was early in May in 1944 when the 3rd Battalion set out from their base to march through dense tropical jungle commanded by Lieutenant Colonel Freddie Shaw, with Major 'Jimmy' Lumley as his second-in-command. Some of these men were the famous 'Chindits', who prided themselves on being mavericks and well capable of taking on the Japanese in their own jungles.

The Gurkhas had been ordered north to bring pressure on the Japanese fighting U.S. forces - but the monsoon had broken, and the march took a terrible toll as they cut their way through the jungle with their kukri knives. Not only did they have to fight off a string of attacks from Japanese soldiers intent on ambushing them, but they were also stricken by every kind of tropical disease.As the regimental history puts it: 'Conditions were appalling, malaria and typhus were rife.'

By the end of May, when the Gurkhas were within ten miles of Mogaung, they were ordered to 'take' the town. The original fighting force of 3,500 men that had left their camp had been reduced to just 550 - and just 230 surviving Gurkhas were fit to fight. What is more, intelligence from the 14th Army suggested the town was held by approximately 4,000 Japanese soldiers.

The Gurkhas reached the outskirts of Mogaung on June 9, and two days later Capt.
Michael Allmand led his platoon in an attack on the vital Pin Hmi road bridge - about a quarter of a mile east of the town's railway station - and the route to the strategically important Red House, where the Japanese had their headquarters. It was no easy task. The approach to the bridge was very narrow as the road was banked up - and the low-lying land on either side was swampy and covered in jungle.

Small wonder then that Lumley's daughter Joanna should say this week of Rifleman Pun, who fought alongside her father: 'Ever since I was a small child this man has been my hero.' The memory of the battle for Mogaung was to remain with Major Lumley throughout his life, and he was present when the Viceroy of India, Field Marshal Lord Wavell, awarded the VC to his friend Pun in a ceremony in Delhi, India, in March 1945. The following year, Joanna Lumley was born in Kashmir, while her father was still serving with the Gurkhas.

Swine flu update

Seven new swine flu cases in the UK have been confirmed, the Department of Health has said & the Bambibasher points out the first swine flu related celebrity death

Health officals say that they know who he got it from.....

Just because swine flu hasn't killed you, doesn't mean that...

Global pandemics aside, this morning it is quite clear that just living appears to be quite dangerous...

Here we see a scan of a healthy brain, taken as if through the roof of the mouth. All the images on this page have come from a SPECT scanner, which shows brain activity by detecting blood flow (unlike other types of scanner, which show the actual structure of the brain). The largely smooth surface shows that blood flow to this brain is good

The brain of this heavy caffeine and cigarette user looks in an even worse state than the drug users and heavy drinkers. Caffeine and cigarettes are stimulants in the short term, but in the long term they can narrow the blood vessels in your brain. This reduces brain activity, especially in the vital pre-frontal cortex and temporal lobes. The two large black holes at the top of the brain are in the prefrontal cortex - just under the forehead - which is the brain’s boardroom. This is where you learn from your mistakes; damage here makes you vulnerable to depression. The distorted temporal lobes (the large gaps in the middle) are linked to poor memory.

So thats what a couple of packs & few cups of coffee do to you? No wonder this blog is such a mess. Still on the upside, at least I dont have to worry about that underfunded pension scheme.

I don't want to say told you so, but...

Pollution is protecting the world from climate change, according to two new studies. The first study found that the hole in the ozone layer, caused by the use of CFCs, has prevented the melting of Antarctica even as the rest of the world warms. A separate study found that plants absorb more carbon dioxide under polluted skies, therefore slowing global warming.

Does this mean that we now have to go out & buy 4x4s in order to save the planet?

Piggy wiggy flu

Does anyone remember Dave? Well tonights thought is that if pigs can fly, is that the same as swine flu? Anyway, from the same people that brought us melting polar ice caps & nuclear power station accidents we now have this...

Of course down in these yerrrrr paaarts, we remain slightly more sanguine about the latest tsunami of doom laden warnings & when it comes to matters of a porcine nature, it’s pretty much business as usual

The problem with the Police

Found by MK

Britain's police were once celebrated for their oddly shaped helmets, for their courteous efficiency and for not carrying guns as they went about their daily business. Of these three, only the helmets remain--some of the time.

This is not the way we Brits expect our police to behave. They are supposed to be apolitical and non-partisan, just as they are supposed to not thwack harmless passersby on the back of the head with a riot stick.

The rest is here

French Fishermen, Somali Pirates & Community Activists

I expect lot of you read that last week French fishermen were once again blockading Channel Ports thereby cutting what we stout bulldogs pityingly refer to as the Continent from dear Blighty. Whist I for one can only commend their actions, sadly their protest (probably against the use to deodorant) has now finished as soon as Sarko’s invertebrate government agreed to pony up some more cash. Well lookie here ... we didn’t see that one coming.

However it is absolutely clear that the reason these fishermen continue to extort monies from both their government & the equally spineless European Union is that a) fish stocks are now so utterly depleted that there is no longer a living to made, & b) it’s a lot easier blackmailing governments than it is to actually work for a living.

Driving home one evening last week, I heard this truly inspired idea on the wireless... rather than going to all of the cost of sending all of those destroyers & frigates to try & police the waters off the Horn of Africa wouldn’t it be more sensible & cost effective to deploy the French fishing fleet? The fishermen could then simply blockade the pirates’ port facilities – problem solved.

Of course, having found a use for redundant fishermen the issue then becomes what to do with a load of redundant pirates. However there is more true inspiration on that score as well. Reader PK points out that the Reverend Al Sharpton of New York – a radio commentator, self-proclaimed minister, political gadfly & professional Negro – has now proclaimed that the Somali pirates are not pirates at all, but volunteer Somali coast guards attempting to counter invasion of their waters by non-transit-tax-paying international vessels.

The most ridiculous of the second guesses is that these were not pirates at all, but socially responsible defenders of the Somali people. The Rev. Al Sharpton invited his radio listeners to call and talk about "the so-called pirates. They call themselves voluntary Coast Guards in Somalia, which may be more apt." Rapper K'naan, who says some of his cousins are pirates, told Angela Yee on "The Morning After" radio show that the buccaneers started out as a defence force stopping large corporations from dumping "nuclear toxic-waste containers" in Somali waters and that the ransoms were merely reparations for corporate misconduct. In other words, the pirates are community activists

Community activists that extort large sums of money at whim? So not that different from the French fishermen then!

Ethical riots?

So the Ceylonese have taken it upon themselves to mount large ‘protests’ in Central London against the price of (nan) bread or some such nonsense ... all of which has absolutely nothing to do with the British taxpayer save for the fact that we seem to be footing the policing bill for the actions of another government. Again all absolutely nothing to do with us stout bulldogs – indeed until such time as the World Wildlife Fund opines as to whether we should be trying to save the Tamil Tigers the only issue in my mind is are we supplying the likely winner with weapons & ammunition: if not why not. Goodness knows we need every export order we can get at the moment is we are ever to repay the crippling debts run up by that old eyed Scottish git. However, the new found militancy among curry house waiters aside, we take as our first topic this morning, Riots – Why Can’t We Arrange a Decent One Anymore

Let’s be honest here dear readers, all you have to do is to threaten to smear a soufflé with mayonnaise & the garlic munchers will be claiming that it is an affront to the dignity of the Republic & they are out in the streets, building Cubist reinterpretations of the traditional barricade & doing satirical mimes. In Act II & in the finest traditions of Film Noir, the CRS get well & truly stuck in, especially if Mohammaden yoofs are involved in the desecration of silly soft cheeses.

Now cut to the so-called G20 protests; Tarquin & his chums on his political science course strike a blow against globalised financial markets by smashing a couple of windows round at RBS & what is the police response – one dead, a few black eyes & 90 complaints to the IPCC. Pathetic. In the good old days of the Special Patrol Group, the stretchers would have being lined up outside Accident & Emergency

Any student of real history – not the Marxist bilge they churn out in red brick universities – will know that we bulldogs have a rich tradition of kicking off big style but no doubt all of those Birkenstock shod social science lecturers who were in London got caught in the middle of a huge ethical dilemma. They so wanted to torch every symbol of capitalist excess that they could find but wouldn’t that add to carbon emissions & global warming?

Over the years the police have become emasculated & similarly, the ethics of trying to smash the system have become a lot more complex

Banned in Browns Britain

This advertisement has been banned after the Advertising Standards Agency received 3 – yes thats 3 complaints about it

It was supposed to echo the classic Take Courage campaigns of yesteryear. But a poster showing a nervous man looking anxiously at a woman trying on a figure-hugging dress - next to the slogan "take Courage my friend" - has been banned by the advertising watchdog for suggesting that beer could increase confidence.

The beer's brewer, Bedford-based Wells and Young's, said the Take Courage slogan echoed previous advertising campaigns from the 1950s to the 1980s. However, the ASA ruled: "Although we understood the humorous intention of the scenario, we concluded that the poster breached the code by suggesting that the beer could increase confidence."

This sort of thing should come as no surprise. They banned smoking in pubs - what the government really wants to do is to ban beer as well - for your own good you understand. Blighty really is an utterly spineless place these days

Teachers – We must have more pay. Write it out 100 times after school

One of the things that have to admire about the teaching profession is their consistent denial of reality – when times are good they demand pay parity with other professions. When times are bad, everyone is taking pay cuts or indeed being made redundant ... they demand more pay

One of the biggest teachers' unions in England and Wales is demanding a pay rise of 10% or at least £3,000, whichever is greater

Sorry Mr & Mrs Taxpayer, our view of the wider economy is obscured by a pamphlet on Union activism. But better still was the attitude of one delegate at the NUT conference, one Becky Williams

One said she was so fed up with the job's strains and repaying her £25,000 student loan that she was going abroad. The government said teachers' pay and conditions had never been better. The average teacher's salary was £33,000, it said. But Becky Williams, a history teacher from Nottingham, is going to work in a private school in Kenya. She told the conference that after four years in the profession she was earning just £26,000

If you want to make huge pots of money, you don’t go into the education – you become an MP & tell porkies about your expenses until such time as your index linked pension kicks in. If you want wear sandals, believe in Op-Ed pieces published in The Guardian & take absurdly long holidays, you become a teacher.

However, Ms. Williams, only 4 years after graduating is probably already earning just about the equivalent of the average family in the UK...but still she wants more. No doubt one of her course modules while at Teacher Training College was “Entitlements” & this dear readers should not in any way shape or form be confused with “Hard Work”. In fact if it were down to me & Ms. Williams can thank her lucky stars that it isn’t, her passport would be revoked until such time as she had repaid all of the £25,000 she has borrowed from the taxpayer before she were allowed to leave the country.

Come the Glorious Day, there are going to be a few changes around here

Your Sunday evening fact

From Reader Tom & I have no idea if this is true but I so so want it to be !

The US state that consumes the most online pornography is Utah
New Scientist (US Edition), 27 Feb 09

People who live in Utah report the highest levels of wellbeing in the US
NYT Economix, 10 Mar 09

Why exactly?

My train into work this morning was half an hour late getting into London. It wasn’t caused by the fact that the entire rail network is run by numpties but because last night a piece of pondlife cut a signal cable ... in eight places. As we sat there not moving I had cause to wonder what on earth goes through someone’s mind that would cause them to cut through a control cable once, let alone eight times. Let just say that whoever did it, probably wasn't late for work this morning

Simon Pondlife Cowell

The Duke of Edinburgh has become embroiled in a public row with Simon Cowell over allegations that he called the X Factor judge a "sponger". Cowell claimed that he was snubbed by the Queen and insulted by the Duke after appearing at the Royal Variety Show. In an interview on The Tonight Show, the US chat show hosted by Jay Leno, he said: "At the end, if you are involved in it, you have to stand around for hours and then say hello. She [the Queen] ignored me and her husband called me a sponger.”

Whilst he might be a bubble, HRH is a not only a really good bloke, he is also a shrewd judge of character. Best of all, you just know that the Duke of Edinburgh will have called him that ! But not to worry Mr Cowell, we have your name on The List

A problem with religion ?

So that bearded tw*t, the Archbishop of Canterbury has been whining on about religion again. More charitable souls might argue that that is his job but it is probably not just me, but every time I hear the sound of his lisping liberal social worker like voice, the red mist descends & I am gripped by the urge to beat him to such a bloodied pulp that it will look as though Thomas A’Beckett got off lightly.

His latest whine is that we bulldogs have a bit of a problem with religion...

I don't believe we are living in a secular society and I don't believe we are living in a deeply religiously divided society. I believe we are living in a country that is uncomfortably haunted by the memory of religion and doesn't quite know what to do with it ... a society which is religiously plural and confused and therefore not necessarily hostile

This is hardly surprising when you consider that the era of sensible stout parsons has long since gone & they have been replaced by Guardian reading sodomites & hairy legged wimmin in flat shoes who have taken it upon themselves to reinterpret the Gospels to include a environmentally justifiable post-feminist narrative while butchering the beautiful language of the King James Bible. All done in the name of accessibility.

In my increasingly less frequent rational moments, I might well concede that these days I don’t have a lot to do with the God squad mainly because when they are all off praying for the starving children of Africa who will die of Aids in any case, I am at home in bed nursing my normal behemoth of a Sunday morning hangover. But every time I hear Williams, I realise that we bulldogs aren’t uncomfortably haunted by the memory of religion as he would have us believe, we just don’t like him very much

& now local councils affords us a new sporting opportunity

Fed up which feeding the corpses of Health & Safety Executive employees to your dogs? Well what about this…

Our movements are already tracked by CCTV, speed cameras and even spies in dustbins.Now snooping on the public has reached new heights with local authorities putting spy planes in the air to snoop on homeowners who are wasting too much energy.Thermal imaging cameras are being used to create colour-coded maps which will enable council officers to identify offenders and pay them a visit to educate them about the harm to the environment and measures they can take. A scheme is already under way in Broadland District Council in Norfolk, which has spent £30,000 hiring a plane with a thermal imaging camera.

I can’t help but think that something like a good load of No.4 shot out of a 10 or even an 8-bore could well be the answer here. After all, in places like East Anglia where this scheme is in operation has a rich wildfowling tradition & such pieces are resonably common. The other alternative & it has equal merit, is to simply start burning down local council offices having first ensured that all doorways, espically the fire exits, are completely obstructed. Thermal image that you b*stards !

When the balloon goes up

Through a mist of cheap whiskey because I finished off my last bottle of malt last night, I am minded to recall the character of Major Jimmy Anderson, Reggie Perrin’s brother-in-law who always arrived at dinner time because of a “cock-up on the catering front”.

Given that far right wing politicians are now arming themselves with evil legal loophole firearms (see posts passim) it is worth recalling the exchange between Reggie & Jimmy, where Jimmy explains his plans to set up a guerrilla army in preparation for when the balloon goes up, which mostly involved detailing the help of every violent misfit in society to challenge the hegemony of Chinese restaurants around Windsor Castle

Major Jimmy Anderson (on the subject of the enemy): Wreckers of law and order. Communists, Maoists, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists, union leaders, Communist union leaders, atheists, agnostics, long-haired weirdos, short-haired weirdos, vandals, hooligans, football supporters, namby-pamby probation officers, rapists, papists, papist rapists, foreign surgeons - headshrinkers, who ought to be locked up, Wedgwood Benn, keg bitter, punk rock, glue-sniffers, "Play For Today", Clive Jenkins, Roy Jenkins, Up Jenkins, up everybody's, Chinese restaurants - why do you think Windsor Castle is ringed with Chinese restaurants?

Reginald Perrin: You realise the sort of people you're going to attract, don't you, Jimmy? Thugs, bully-boys, psychopaths, sacked policemen, security guards, sacked security guards, racialists, Paki-bashers, queer-bashers, Chink-bashers, anybody-bashers, rear Admirals, queer admirals, Vice Admirals, fascists, neo-fascists, crypto-fascists, loyalists, neo-loyalists, crypto-loyalists.

Jimmy Anderson: Do you think so? I thought recruitment might be difficult

Mr Kumarasiri – An update

The postmaster who refused to serve customers who could not speak English has been transferred to another branch following complaints from local Muslims.

Sri Lankan-born Deva Kumarasiri introduced a ban on non-English speakers last week after claiming they frustrated other customers and made his job more difficult.Mr Kumarasiri, who moved to Britain 18 years ago, said he believed that new immigrants should learn the language and take pride in their new culture.But he turned up to work yesterday to find his managers at the agency which runs the Sneinton Boulevard post office in Carlton, Nottingham, for the Post Office had decided to transfer him to another branch.

In happier times we instictively knew how to deal with uppity fuzzy wuzzies…

Shops

Sorry to spoil anyones Saturday, but compare & contrast:

This...

The postmaster who banned customers who can't speak English from his branch today faced calls for him to be sacked from angry local Muslims. Sri Lankan-born Deva Kumarasiri introduced the ban this week because he believes all immigrants in Britain should learn the language and take pride in the new homeland. Mr Kumarasiri, who runs Sneinton Boulevard Post Office in inner-city Nottingham, moved here 18 years ago and says everyone should embrace British culture ... But the chairman of the local Mosque confirmed that a petition was circulating among Muslim residents calling for Mr Kumarasiri to go. Aurangzeb Kahn said: 'There has been concern that people can be denied Post Office services because they can't speak English.

& this...

Shop 'turned girl away because she’s British’ claims that a student was told to leave a Polish supermarket because it had a policy to not serve English people are being investigated.

but finally, we return to Mr Kumarasiri

A Nottingham postmaster who refused to serve people with poor English has been dismissed from his position and banned from the Liberal Democrat party. Sri Lankan born Deva Kumarasiri shot to prominence this week after he refused to serve customers who could not speak fluent English on the grounds that it caused delays for other customers. When the 40-year-old district councillor turned up for work at the inner-city sub-office this morning he was told he had been moved to another post office in the city. The owners of the shop at which the Post Office concession is based complained to his employment agency saying outrage over his stance was losing them customers.

English

English is not for one in seven primary school pupils across the UK. Figures released show more than half a million youngsters speak a foreign language primarily which accounts for 14.3 per cent of the total.

& I don’t have a massive problem with that just as long as these same said children can speak English to an acceptable standard. In fact there is a part of me I can’t help but feel that it is slightly unreasonable to expect immigrants & their offspring to manage the Queen’s English when very few of of our increasingly dummed down population can claim any degree of mastery when it comes to their mother tounge.

I don’t consider it unreasonable to expect anybody that lives here to speak English & to speak it well. They can also damn well learn to write it as well. That means that every offical form should be in one language & one language only. Would that discriminate against some people? Probably & I couldn’t give a stuff. This isnt say Switzerland or Holland where there is a legitmate need for several offical languages. This is Blighty & we speak English. & the sooner the Georgdies get that into their thick skulls, the better. Be under no illusion, come the Glorious Day, cheekie chapie TV presenters like Ant & Dec will find a space, close to the front of the queue, reserved for them. Champion!

But to return to the central theme here, if ever there was an indicment of the the extent the Government has allowed once Great Britain to become overrun with immigrants who have catastorphically failed to intergrate into wider society, this is it. If these children end up to being unable to speak, read & write English, what will they do when they leave school? Fill in their social security claim forms in some completely incomprehensible language & spend the rest of their lives sponging off the taxpayer?

How to deal with diktats

Every time a multi-agency initiative prioritises its best-practice paradigms and allocates resources to a tranche of strategic procurement, they let down a bucket into our money and splash it about.

Forget getting angry at local government jargon ... get busy stretching necks & other body parts

More on the Mohammedans

Can I commend you to Mr Rodney Little’s excellent article, published in the Sunday Times

Are you at all worried about the check-in procedures at your local airport? That demonstration against the returning British soldiers at Luton has slightly put the wind up me, given that at least one of the furious protesters was an airport baggage handler.

The baggage people are reviewing the employment credentials of the chap in question, apparently. It’s probably a ticklish task, interviewing people for such a post. Are you allowed, these days, to ask prospective baggage handlers if they are ideologically inclined to slip plastic explosives inside decadent Christian people’s luggage?

Today’s sponging gits are…

A family of four with a combined weight of 83 stone say they are "too fat to work" and need more than the £22,000 they currently receive in benefits...

The family from Blackburn claim £22,508 a year in benefits, equivalent to the take-home pay from a £30,000 salary. The Chawners, haven't worked in 11 years, claim their weight is a hereditary condition and the money they receive is insufficient to live on.

I am sorry, but the argument we are fat because we are poor simply doesn’t wash with me – however in the interests of trying to once again saving the taxpayer payer some money, I am prepared, at entirely my own cost, to invite the Chawner family to attend Dr Free Market’s Family Fat Farm where they will be put on his world famous Darfur Diet – it has a 100% success rate because failure means an 0600 appointment on the flensing deck.
These people don’t need more money because they are not on the breadline … they have scoffed that already. Idle work shy b*stards!

The Sandwich Box Stasi or how the Nanny State will lower taxes

It’s not that an all pervasive Nanny State is trying to dictate every aspect of both our & our children’s lives, but…

A primary school has been accused of running a 'mealtime Gestapo' after insisting on inspecting children's lunchboxes for unhealthy food. If pupils are found to have sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks or full-fat crisps, teachers confiscate them and hold them in the staffroom. The snacks are returned at the end of the day but only if parents ask.

Now regular readers might expect me to rile against this latest bout of stupidity but rather like the imposition of University tuition fees, this is one education policy that I wholeheartedly endorse.

However by insisting that children only eat more expensive so-called healthy foods, the offspring of our burgeoning semi-feral chav class will feel more & more marginalised because their parents simply can’t afford to buy the Waitrose fairtrade crunchy fruit platter & a bag of olive oil fried organic vegatables crisps.

This should lead to higher levels of truancy amoung those who are satistically are most likely to be disruptive in class because they will feel 'marginalised', thereby ensuring that decent well behaved children receive at least the very modicome of an education.

Furthermore, now suffering from 'low self esteem', the poor will be plunged into a self destructive downward spiralling fast food fest thereby ensuring that terminal heart disease is just around the corner.

Therefore in the medium to long term, the quality of the state education system should rise from its current lamentably low levels & society will be purged of those who are the greatest burden upon it – so taxes should fall. I come up with policy proposals like that, espcially after a long evening in the pub … but it takes Nu Labour to actually impliment them!

Red Nose Day

Today is Red Nose Red & by billy-o, how I hate it. I hate its premise & I hate the fact that for the last three months, everywhere I look I see an advertisement with Lenny Henry imploring me to “Do Something Funny for Money”. Lenny, the last time I gave money to charity was about the last time you were amusing … so that will be around the mid 1980’s.

Pah!

"How al-Qaeda stoked our Massereene fury"

So let us be honest. When we saw the TV footage of Muslim demonstrators in Luton greeting the returning soldiers as butchers and rapists and cowards, didn't we feel a sudden wash of anger? Didn't we, inside ourselves, hear a voice we recognised as our own cry: “You bastards!”

The people of the town, out on the streets to welcome home the 2nd Battalion Royal Anglian Regiment, clearly did. Their visceral reaction was to turn on the anti-war protesters. There was, for a few minutes, the remarkable sight of the spirit of peaceful, respectable middle-Britain, in its M&S anorak and its sensible shoes, provoked into physical violence.

The scene was brief, but its resonance huge. You can bet that any clever politician who watched will know they witnessed this unassuming, easygoing society of ours reaching the limits of its tolerance. This was the tipping point; the no-go area; the discourtesy too far. You may hate our policies, and disagree with our wars, the people cried, but do not insult our young men and women in uniform.

I make no comment (at the moment). The rest of this excellent article is here

Welcome home to Brown’s multi-cultural inclusive paradise

Muslim extremists shouted abuse at British soldiers during a home-coming march by the 2nd Battalion of the Royal Anglian Regiment. A group of around 20 men in traditional Islamic dress held up banners and placards that read: "Anglian Soldiers Butchers of Basra", "Anglian Soldiers Criminals, Murderers Terrorists" and "Baby killers". As the battalion, which is nicknamed The Poachers, reached Luton Town Hall the small group shouted and yelled "Terrorists" and "Anglian Soliders Go to Hell."

The protestors then had to be protected by police as angry supporters of the soldiers turned on them shouting: "Scum" and "No surrender to the Taliban."

Lord Tebbit was right about his Cricket Test . By way of comparision, the above report was taken from the Torygraph - just look at how the al-BBC reported the same incident. Which word doesn't appear in the BBC's 'version' of events?

Move over Sponge Bob, its Sajad the Sponger

You know that the country has gone spiraling into the abyss. Its run by idiots & overrun by sponging dole moles & illegal immigrants who collectively seem to think that I owe them a living. I console myself with the excessive consumption of excisable liquors & the regular purchase of firearms, large quantities of ammunition & explosives. Oooophs, apologies for that one - did I mention that I now have an Explosives Certificate as well? Yes, slowly but surely the Glorious Day moves closer & closer.

Now as regular readers will know, I am a vociferous advocate of using hangovers to try & blot out the pain to exactly just how bad once-Great Britain has become & when that doesn’t work, I start digging another mass grave in the Lower Paddock. Maybe people are getting fatter but last weeks rather large hole is full already. It is however a small measure of consolation to know that it is now highly unlikely that the local branch of the Liberal Party will send round any more canvassers. In fact, last Saturday night, over a few pints of finest foaming, old Jayfurt was commenting that he hadn’t yet seen any ramblers this spring. I politely agreed, said nothing & desperately avoided eye contact.

Anyway, to get back onto the topic of sponging gits, the prize thus far this week must go to one Sajad Suleman...

Mr Suleman, a father of three who already recieves housing, incapacity & child benefits, has been unemployed since 2005, when he contracted Guillain Barré Syndrome while working as a Union representative. He is now wheelchair bound & has great difficulty in moving his arms & legs. These disabilities haven’t stopped him from suing MI5 for £363,000 after he was turned down out of 1,092 applicants, for a post as a Mobile Surveillance Officer. Only in Brown’s Britain dear readers, only in Brown’s Britain.

Apparently, Sajad the Sponger thinks that the job, "all about observing people or places either on foot or by vehicle" could have been adapted and he could have travelled and tracked targets by train, coach or taxi. & that’s the clue to Mr Saleman’s real disabilty. He wasn’t turned down as he has claimed because he is disabled, Asian, his Union affiliation or that he is a Mohammaden - its because he is an utter utter spastic. I am sure that the Security Services were less concerned about the limp & more concerned that this piece of pondlife limps with his brain.

However, as everyone has a right to their day in court, Hanging Judge Free Market, principal shareholder of the Free Market Hemp Rope Company Ltd, would like to extend to Mr Suleman an invitation to appear before his Bloody Assizes. Whilst it would be completely wrong to anticipate the verdict, this evening I might get the Bobcat out & dig a wheelchair sized hole. Just in case!

Camera conundrums

Of course this really shouldn’t come as any surprise to long suffering stout bulldogs

The lowering of speed limits from 60 mph to 50 mph on some of Britain's roads is likely to be policed by cameras that calculate drivers' average speed, it has been revealed

The burgeoning & increasingly intrusive nanny state having wrapped everyone in cotton wool would rather be indoctrinating our children as to the undoubted delights of sodomy

parents who took their children out of school to prevent them being taught about lesbian, gay and transgender relationships are facing prosecution. Around 30 pupils from an east London primary school were absent from a week of special lessons to highlight non-heterosexual partnerships

& is prepared to resort to the law to crush any dissent. However, to return of the question of yet more piggy banks speed cameras, really it shouldn’t come as any surprise.

If it could i.e. didn’t need all the revenue that they generate, Nanny would take away your car & this is all part of that process. First it was 60 mph, now it will be 50 mph … just for safety sake you understand. How long before it is 40 mph? In fact it must only be a matter of time before the 1865 Locomotives on Highways Act is reintroduced. The act famously situated that all mechanically powers road vehicles must have 3 drivers, not exceed 4 mph on the open road or 2 mph in towns & be preceded by a man on foot waving a red flag to warn the public.

Save for the armed overthrow of the State – remember, regime change begins at home - & not forgetting the wholesale slaughter of the legal profession as well as anyone who works for the Health & Safety Executive (See posts passim: Fantasy Genocide) I like to think of myself as a reasonably law abiding sort of a chap, at least until I end up heading for the clock tower with a selection of firearms, ammunition & a packed lunch. However if Nanny is going for festoon the country with even more speed cameras I commend to you all that they shouldn’t be regarded as the latest intrusion into our lives, so much as a recreational opportunity.

Think about it, the permutations of fun will be endless

More PETA fun

Ricky Gervais, Pink and Stella McCartney join PETA campaign in Paris ... so Ricky, Stella & Pink (who or whatever you are), this one is for you

as is this one

which incidentally is available from our retailer of the moment Bear Skin World for a paltry $ 7,995.00

A Labour MP telling the truth? Whatever next!

When Carolyn was in hospital, having just delivered us of wee Reggie, a very young girl in the bed opposite was also celebrating the arrival of her newborn. As was her proud father, who made great play to anyone who might have been listening (me) of how proud he was of his daughter. She was, I guess, about 16.

I’m a Labour MP, so some will undoubtedly be surprised, and shocked that I’m writing this. But I can no longer pretend that the army of teenage mothers living off the state is anything other than a national catastrophe.

Of course, despite this uncharacteristic honesty from the government benches, the Labour Party & indeed the wider Westminster Village is in complete denial about the only solution to the problems that these people cause – withdraw all social security payments immediately.

Why the hell should I have to pay for their lifestyle choices? Trust me when I say that I don’t care if these people end up destitute on the street. I ask no one to subsidise the way that I live my life & quite why the government thinks that I should want to contribute to these spongers is the reason that come the Glorious Day, the gallows will be busy disposing of our political overlords.

Piffle & tosh

I know that I might be opening myself up to unfair of being a deeply jaundiced & cynical individual, but to my mind, this sort of thing sums up a great deal of what is wrong with dear Blighty

A British team has begun a grueling trek to the North Pole to discover how quickly the Arctic sea-ice is melting. Renowned Arctic explorer Pen Hadow and two companions were dropped onto the ice by plane 500 miles off the northern coast of Canada on Saturday. During their journey they plan to take measurements of the thickness of the ice. It will be the most detailed survey of its kind this season, and should be completed in late May.

Now Pen Hadow was a pretty sensible sort of a fellow in so far as anyone in that particular line of work retains full use of their senses or toes & fingers come to that.

However in emasculated carbon neutral fairtrade Britain, it would appear that you cant even take your favorite husky for an evening stroll without it having to be part of a larger ‘environmental mission’. If you are going to go to the North Pole, at least do something useful like shoot polar bears, drown some baby penguins or club a few brace of seals pups to death.

In happier times, our explorers were dispatched to the ends of the earth to discover new lands, peoples & to ascertain whether these countries were worth subjugating prior to being looted four ways before breakfast & also before the Colonial Office had to colour another part of the globe red. Nothing wrong with any of that.

Indeed, I wouldn’t be quite so exercised if the intrepid Mr Hadow were going to do something a little more useful than see if the ice is thick enough to go skating on. But consider this: no matter which way you cut it, the only use that we have found for the entire Arctic Ice Sheet is to hide nuclear submarines underneath it. Period. So what if it melts & parts of the Indian sub-continent are consumed by rising sea levels – it will that we won’t have to endure another bleating BBC new report about the latest Bangladeshi famine & listen to Bone-o, resplendent in increasingly absurd sunglasses, lecturing us. Again.

Fat chavs

I love this story on so many levels...

An insurance report in which a car crash victim was described – and drawn – as a "free-loading fat chav" has emerged onto the internet

The humorous account was submitted by the man accused of causing the accident in frustration at what he saw as the other driver's exaggerated compensation claim. In his written report, James Edwards admitted that he nudged the woman's bumper after she stalled at traffic lights, but insisted she was not hurt.

The form was submitted to the insurer AIG but was leaked on to the internet, where it has been spreading by email. The full text of Mr Edwards's report read: "I was stopped at traffic lights. The lights changed. Mrs Pywell started to move and then stopped (stalled). I had just started to pull away and then broke. As i stopped I very slightly touched the rear bumper of the car in front. We each got out. There was no damage and Miss Pywell is a fat chav who definitely does not have whiplash."

Given that once Great Britain is now overrun with fat freeloading chavs, maybe indeed it is Mr Edwards who should be censured for not hitting Miss Pywell’s car at greater speed, finishing her off & doing society as a whole, a great big fat favour

Slumdog fatigue

So the archetypal stupid gobby chav married Gary Wrong of whatever the hell his name is – I would rather take a pair of bolt croppers to my toes than submit myself screaming to having to watch or read any of the media coverage. In fact I am possibly not alone in hoping the consistently ghastly Jade Goody soon dies from her apparently terminal cancer: Not only would this be a victory for good taste & decorum, despite the fact that she has whelped twice, her untimely demise would limit further damage to the gene pool. Now that I come to think of it, given that she is the bastard progeny of a reality TV series, we could televise her death in HD & all hold a party to celebrate both the ‘final episode’, consoling ourselves that there is thankfully very little chance of a second season. In fact that is such a good idea that today I shall write to her snake like publicist Max Clifford & offer my services as a cameraman for the extreme close up terminal breath scene…just to be very very certain.

Then on Sunday night there was another one of Kate Whats-her-name’s acceptance speeches …all very miss-able along with every other celebraty sob-a-thon which so singularly failed to raise a flicker of interest in your humble correspondent that he spent the evening researching telescopic rifle sights. A worthy enterprise in my opinion. However judging for just about every newspaper that I have opened this week it would appear that a feel good flick about some Indians won some award or other

Hit British film Slumdog Millionaire has won the top prize at the Academy Awards, winning eight Oscars including best director and best picture.

Well isn’t that just fine & dandy. Simpering liberals can now all get back into their limos & go home feeling a little better about themselves & mainstream media talking heads, in crowing tones, can harp on about how this could never have happened under a Bush administration & it is only probably only because of Obama’s direct intervention that such a (cough cough) masterpiece has been so rightly recognized … like I should care, which incidentally I don’t, in any way shape or form.

Italians design sportscars that that can lead to a native uprising in the nether regions, Johnny Argy turns out the best polo players, & Indians live in squalor. They will also continue to do so in very much the same manner as I shall continue not to give a monkeys about their ‘plight’ just as long as my takeaway curry is ready when the Star of India restaurant said it would be.

If I want to watch a feel good film about India, I will watch North West Frontier again & fantasize about the redoubtable Captain Scott, played with perfect abloom by Kenneth More, ordering his Havildar to turn a Maxim gun on the entire audience at the Academy Awards. Now that would be worth watching. The nobilty of the slums my a*se

Another little angel is returned to sender

A British resident detained at Guantanamo Bay for more than four years has said he is "extraordinarily happy to be home" in the UK. Ethiopian-born Binyam Mohamed, 30, was released on Monday afternoon after he landed at RAF Northolt in London and underwent questioning by police. Mr Mohamed says he was tortured while in custody on suspicion of terrorism.

Sorry, but I simply can’t be bothered to dissect the issues around this case, instead I might well be ordering myself one of these…

Tom Utley is getting a little exercised…

My idea of heaven on Earth is the English country pub, the most potent symbol of everything I love about this sceptred isle. Ideally, it should be at least a couple of centuries old, with low ceilings and gnarled oak beams. On winter evenings, it should have a blazing log fire in the grate, with a couple of labradors stretched out on the hearth ('just taking the dog for a walk, dear').

but now, Nu-Labour, having stopped us smoking in pubs, are now taking the next step towards stopping us drinking in our local

For rank hypocrisy, look no further than the Government's inconceivable decision to make it a criminal offence - punishable with a jail term of up to 10 years - to take a picture of a oliceman. Everywhere we go, the police - under instruction from Ministers - are watching our every move.

Police are even beginning to insist that pubs - as a condition of being granted a licence - install CCTV cameras to watch their regulars having a drink. Indeed, some pubs are even being told to ban their customers from wearing hats, in case it makes identification by these cameras more difficult

Recall if you will dear readers that next door to our local is our local rifle range & after shooting a couple of cards, The Englishman & your humble correspondent usually pop in for a couple of sharpeners. Not wanting to leave unattended weapons in a car, rifles are propped up in the corner of the bar. Neither the landlord nor other regulars give it a second though. During the season, on any given Friday or Saturday evening, there will be a group of stout bulldogs enjoying a few pints of finest foaming after a days shooting. Needless to say, their shotguns will be similarly stacked up in the corner.

Now consider this … in a state for refreshment your beer blearly eye comes to rest on a police CCTV camera & you still have a couple of No.6 carridges in your pocket. I don’t think that you need me to spell out the solution to this latest piece of Nu-Labour prefidery.

True colours

Unacceptable in the UK:

A Dutch MP who called the Koran a "fascist book" has been sent back to the Netherlands after attempting to defy a ban on entering the UK. Freedom Party MP Geert Wilders had been invited to show his controversial film - which links the Islamic holy book to terrorism ...

Mr Brown's spokesman said the prime minister "fully supports the decision" taken by Home Secretary Jacqui Smith...

Foreign Secretary David Miliband told the BBC's Hardtalk: "The home secretary made a decision on an individual case as she is required to do." He added that the film contained "extreme anti-Muslim hate and we have very clear laws in this country".

Mr Miliband also said: "We have profound commitment to freedom of speech but there is no freedom to cry 'fire' in a crowded theatre and there is no freedom to stir up hate, religious and racial hatred, according to the laws of the land..."

Cabinet Office minister Liam Byrne said, on BBC One's Question Time: "This guy wasn't coming here to exercise his right of free speech. This guy was trying to come here in order to sow division between us in this country. "Everything I've heard about this guy tells me he's a bigot and the right place for him is to stay at home..."

Acceptable in the UK:

Todays Man of the Day is...

the late Doctor Adrian Rogers, three times President of the Southern Baptist Convention

& is pointed out to us by Gweilicus & Bashing Bambi. Not only was the late Dr Rogers spot on with his comments on the destructive nature of the re-distribution of wealth through taxation

You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friends, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

he was pretty sound of other social issues as well...

According to one author, the pastor once responded to a question about biblical references in support of slavery during biblical times by saying, "I feel slavery is a much maligned institution. If we had slavery today we would not have such a welfare problem."

Carolgate goes on & on

I am probably not alone in long having passed the point where I care about what it is that Carol Thatcher did or did not say …

The Carol Thatcher race row intensified today as attention centred on who leaked her "golliwog" remark. Her agent pointed the finger at a member of the production team on BBC's The One Show and suggested that it was part of a vendetta against Baroness Thatcher's daughter.

However, I will put my hand up & say I was wrong the other day. Thatcher didn’t use the enormously offensive & pejorative G-word on-air It would appear that she used the despicable G-word in a private conversation after the show. Of course this hasn’t stopped all the usual suspects taking offense quicker than the Mohammedans scream blue murder at the very mention of a bacon sandwich. Anyway, as I said at the top of the page I really don’t give a stuff & completely fail to comprehend quite why the professionally aggrieved feel so aggrieved by the term golliwog.

Some helpful advice from that nice Mr. Pierrepoint

Come the Glorious Day, we will certainly be using some of Mr. Pierrepoint Jnr's tried & tested techniques

Rell Bull gives you wings

Literally!

A student who died on a nightclub dancefloor in front of friends suffered a heart condition that may have been triggered by caffeine in the Red Bull she had been drinking, an inquest heard.

If you must drink that muck, it is no surprise that you have to suffer the consequences. Sad though Chloe Leach’s death may be, the really concerning part of the report is that Miss Leach was top of her class of 90 at the University of Lincoln, all of whom it would appear are studying social work.

Does social work now merit a university course? Shall I drive up to Lincoln this afternoon with a case of vodka & a few slabs of Red Bull for the rest of the class to consume?

Just a thought you understand, because what I am trying to figure out is why exactly this country might need another 90 social workers

& now she is in trouble

Naughty naughty Carol. Bad Carol. Carol used a word the isn’t allowed any more. Carol said golliwog on air

Carol Thatcher, the daughter of the former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, is facing a possible ban from the BBC after referring to a tennis player as “a golliwog”.

The BBC might not like us to use traditional terminology. The BBC thinks that the word golliwog is doubleplusungood. Therefore in accordance with the diktats from the Ministry of Truth, we will no longer use the old English word golliwog & hereafter refer to all golliwogs as stills (see posts passim)

Jonathan Porritt: Its time for the long drop

I suppose that it was only a matter of time before it came to this

Couples who have more than two children are being “irresponsible” by creating an unbearable burden on the environment, the government’s green adviser has warned. Jonathon Porritt, who chairs the government’s Sustainable Development Commission, says curbing population growth through contraception and abortion must be at the heart of policies to fight global warming. He says political leaders and green campaigners should stop dodging the issue of environmental harm caused by an expanding population

So what does that mean exactly? We will need a government licence for have more than two children? Mandatory abortions for all women carrying a third child?

“I am unapologetic about asking people to connect up their own responsibility for their total environmental footprint and how they decide to procreate and how many children they think are appropriate,” Porritt said.

Strange as it may seem, I am in agreement with the ever miserable Porritt on this point – I want to be able to take responsibily for my family’s actions. I certainly don’t need the environmental lobby to worry for me – yep, I’m alright Jack … or Jonathan (as the case may be). The number of children that I decide to have is between me & Mrs FM. It is absolutely no business of the government nor the chairman of its Sustainable Development Commission.

“I think we will work our way towards a position that says that having more than two children is irresponsible."

However, perhaps we could start to look at an off-set policy to manage the carbon footprint of our families – before you can have a child, you have to hang one of these faux-environmentalists thereby ensuring equlibrium in maintained. That way, the Papists & Mormons will have strung up the entire membership of Greenpeace by the end of the month. Result? I definitely think so, just as long as Family FM get to stretch Porritt’s neck. Oh yes, he’s mine!

My name is Mr Free Market & I endorse these traffic proposals

Cyclists will be allowed to ride the wrong way up one-way streets in the City in a new scheme to encourage more people to ride to work in the Square Mile. The Corporation of London has agreed permission to allow cyclists to ride against the traffic in seven streets in a £45,000 project beginning in early summer.

Now I want to be really really clear here, according to the Corporation’s, chairwoman of the Planning and Transportation Committee, Christine Mackenzie Cohen

"This project has two main benefits: safety and convenience. It will make cycling in the City safer by enabling cyclists to avoid busy streets."

So sending cyclists the wrong way down a one way street into the face of on-coming traffic is going to make things safer??

This woman is wasted working for the Corporation - she should be running an investment bank! But wait, better still…

If the plan proves popular - and safe - city chiefs said today that it could be expanded to other areas.

Fantastic, I’m going to get an f-off sized Paddy pusher bolted onto the front of Larry Landrover & congestion charge be damned, we are off to the Square Mile – yeeehaaawww!

I am a big enough man to admit that sometimes (just sometimes) I am wrong

& not all Welshmen are troglodyte sheep shaggers. Yesterday Kim quite correctly pointed out the error of my ways & that we should all be mourning the passing of Sir Dai Llewellyn

Llewellyn by name, Llewellyn by nature...

Paul Callan, the journalist, recalled: 'He told me about a hilarious episode of having three debs in a bed, each of whom he was happily servicing, while a Mexican band stood naked around the bed serenading them.'

Sir Dai told such stories with a gusto that was infectious. He would never get up in the morning planning to make love to three women, he would say, adding 'but if it happened, it happened'.

& I am sure that every single last one of you would like to be remembered thus

The Seducer of the Valleys dies after riotous life of wine and women

Read, enjoy & rue his passing – the World has just become a little duller

Social Mobility

I feel that we have probably just about done Pakigate & Sooties to death this week. Indeed anymore discussion might well be considered an attempt to stir up racial hatred which regardless of matters of taste, is a crime & crime is something that coloured people do, not nice white boys. Therefore we will move on & turn our attention to the latest hot topic in Westminster: not that the country is completely bankrupt but social mobility. Yes, that little chestnut seems to be back on to the agenda (again).

Now your correspondent would like to humbly opine that there is already far too much social mobility & even a cursory glace at the statistics shows that plenty of chavs already go to university … just about every time anyone leaves a window open! Yet our perfidious MPs seem much exercised by the burgeoning feral underclass that would far rather live in a council flat spending all day watching the footie on Sky Sports rather than receive a taxpayer funded complimentary education.

I however can only see a wider benefit to society of keeping these people semi-literate – if all you are going to do with your life is be a till tart, why does the taxpayer need to go the expense of teaching them to calculate straight line amortisation curve? Let’s be honest, you don’t need to have a mastered Latin declinations to clean lavatories for the Council. Sorry, not everybody can be or even needs to be a vet.

I spend a large portion of my disposable income educating my offspring. Having gone to all that trouble, I am mortified at the prospect that Daughter might end up sitting next to a poor person in a University refectory. Those sorts of people all have skin diseases & such lousy table manners. In fact I would go as far to say that unlike your average battery, the poor simply don’t have a positive side.

It is in all of our interests to ensure keep anyone with a TK Maxx store card or who uses a bus shelter for protection during sex, down on the council estate. Give ‘em an education & they will start to get ideas above their station. That only causes trouble. Much better that they are kept in a state of blissful ignorance because only then will they remain stupid enough to keep returning Labour governments to Parliament

More on Pakigate

Sadly we have to report yet another example of why we should have as little as possible to do with the porridge wogs…

A young woman was left with serious facial injuries after an allegedly anti-English attack in Aberdeen. Lucy Newman, 22, of Gourdon, near Inverbervie, was attacked close to the Trinity Centre on Union Street in the early hours of Saturday.

She told BBC Scotland a man made racial remarks relating to her English accent before punching her in the face.

Prince Harry refers to someone as a Paki & the we are nearly deafened by the gnashing of teeth & lamentations from the media: Some poor woman is abused for being English & is then beaten half senseless by a drunken Scotsman – it will pass without notice I guarantee you. Field Marshal Wade knew how to deal with the Scots & what was good for them then, is good for them now.

& BTW, yes ... Scotland should have complete independence. All those Scottish socialist MPs can be kicked out of Westminster or face the noose. We can then stop ALL of the subsidies, rebuild Hadrian’s Wall & trade with them at tightly controlled crossing points

The P-Word

Back in November, your humble correspondent published this picture

& went on to make the following comment

The photograph appeared on the front page of The Sun a few months ago. Clearly referring to people as ‘Pakis’ is impolite & I used the word impolite deliberately & in preference to ‘offensive’ because just about half the contents of the Oxford Shorter English Dictionary are found to be offensive by someone or other these days.

Here we are a couple of months on & half a rainforest is being devoted to Pakigate

Over the years, attitudes to racial abuse have, rightly, hardened. What was considered a generation ago as merely jocular, old-fashioned or mildly unkind is now seen as deeply offensive. Partly this is because Britain has become more truly multicultural and sensitive to the dangers of prejudice. Partly it is because race, despite vast improvements in integration, understanding and social cohesion, remains a dividing factor that is easily exploited by bigots and demagogues.

Now I fully agree that you shouldn’t go around calling people “Pakis”, not because some people find it offensive but as racial slurs go, Paki-bashing is … well its just so 1970’s. Completely passe. Why waste time abusing Pakis went you time can be better spent hurling racial taunts at those who really deserve them … like the Mohammedans or the Welsh

Sod the planet, it will see me out

Making two internet searches through Google produces about the same amount of carbon dioxide as boiling a kettle, it has been estimated.

This is why tonight dear readers, I have enough searches currently running to produce the same amount of carbon dioxide as driving a Range Rover. What fun! I can now destroy the rainforest from the sofa of sloth. Global warmists watch out: If we're not doomed yet, we soon will be if I have anything to do with it

He said what?

Shortly after the Falklands War, Toms garrisoning the Islands were ordered to stop referring to the locals as "Bennies" (a reference to the fashion sense of Crossroads character Benny Hawkins).

In typical style & in very very short order, soldiers began referring to the islanders as "Stills", as they were "Still Bennies". In the light of the recent red top brouhaha...

Prince [Harry] issued an apology after the News of the World published a video diary in which he [refers to] one of his then Sandhurst colleagues a "Paki"

...does this now mean that we now have to refer to "Pakis" as "Stills"? & come to think of it, what about the Bog Wogs, Nips, Abbos, Cloggies, Chinks, Jocks, Frogs, Taffs, Huns, Dagos, Seppos, Red Sea Pedestrians, Dinks, Spics, Fenians, Camel Jockeys, Sheep Shaggers, Curry-Munchers, Jaapies, Polacks etc etc etc etc ad infinitum? Can we take it that they are all “Stills” as well?

The Vocal Yokel: "Not a Notting Hill Tory"

This morning, we start with Robin Page, he of One Man & His Dog fame.

He is described by the liberal left MSM luvvvvvies as

a tireless political demagogue who inveighs against gays, Muslims, Brussels and the Brixton carnival

so not a bad bloke then. Indeed a quick shufti through the redoubtable Mr Page’s back catalogue reveals little nuggets such as

Speaking at a Countryside Alliance demonstration at the 1999 Labour Party conference, he claimed Blair had "the same animal welfare policies as Adolf Hitler"

&

"There are minorities in Britain that have their rights respected, such as gays and Muslims, but if you are a countryman who chases a fox (which I'm not) your rights are not protected. I'm not criticising gays or Muslims, I'm just lamenting the fact that I haven't got the same civil liberties as they've got."

After giving the same speech at a country fair in Gloucestershire he was arrested for saying

"If you are a black, vegetarian, Muslim, asylum-seeking, one-legged lesbian lorry driver, I want the same rights as you."

The excuse that the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit gave was that he was under suspicion of stirring up racial hatred. Utimately Page received £2,000 compensation from Gloucestershire Police for wrongful arrest and detention.

Anyway, back to the man himself & his money quote for this weekend...

For those people who are "global warmists" my diesel consumption should be applauded. Global warming and sea level rise mean only one thing: the House of Commons will be flooded first. Wonderful. The only person who would clearly survive such an event would be Gormless Gordon. Am I the only person irritated by the way he gulps air? I wonder if he has been genetically modified with the genes of a goldfish?

& he now has his own blog. Probably worth keeping an eye on.

Eternal damnation? No, this is the No.14 to Clapham Common

Hello, nice to see you all again. As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Goodevening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Sometimes I think I might be an atheist, possibly agnostic but mainly I am hungover. However this morning dear readers it would seem that the disciples of Dawkins will not be denied.

Atheist adverts declaring that "there's probably no God" have been placed on 800 buses around Britain after an unprecedented fundraising campaign

On the other hand, British Humanist Association might be catastrophically wrong in which case it is well worth recalling Rowan Atkinson’s ‘Devil’s Sketch’ from which the quote at the top of the post is taken. As the Devil, or Toby as he likes to be known, starts to conclude his welcome address & divide up Hell’s latest guests, he asks

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.

A public health service that the World is envious of

More than 3,000 hospital patients have died because of errors by NHS staff in England over the past year, figures show

However there is some comfort out there…

Hospitals reported 3,645 deaths in 2007-8 from patient safety incidents …the figure included those relating to problems with scans and tests and hospital infections. It represents a 60% rise in the last two years, but experts said it was due to better reporting not worsening care.

So despite the zillions of pounds that we spunk away on the public health service, it isn’t reducing the rate at which at which it kills patients, they are just getting better at taking the body count!

So while all of this is going on, the Department of Health clearly has its priorities in order & has time to worry about this sort of thing…

Hospitals in England should allow a more liberal use of mobile phones where they do not interfere with equipment or privacy, the government has said.

A spokeswoman said the new guidance was less prescriptive to "convey the Department's aspiration of more liberal use of mobile phones in hospitals."

Eh? Looks like it is time to get the gibbet ready for the first customers of the New Year

"Its a poncy, twatty thing to do" - Mrs FM

Morris dancing could be "extinct" within 20 years because young people are too embarrassed to take part, a UK Morris association has warned

Good ! In fact I would most humbly like to suggest that it isn’t that “young people are too embarrassed to take part” that Morris dancing is dying out: its because most Morris dancers look like a cross between that uber liberal fool, the Archbishop of Canterbury & a bunch of paedophiles. If you don’t believe me can anyone explain exactly how this sort of thing...

... constitutes normal behaviour. No? I didn’t think so.

P.S. & please all of you promise that you can keep a little secret but …

... Mrs FM has some cousins that are keen Morris dancers. I should add that we haven’t seen them in 11 years (thankfully), but I suppose that every family needs skeletons in the cupboard aside from the bodies that are buried in the lower paddock.

A dog’s life

Cousin Bird Dog allows his dog onto the sofa, something that if the Labradors of Libertarianism ever tried, would cause Mrs FM to rain hell & damnation down upon them. Such behaviour these days would almost certainly culminate in a court appearance as events at Sandringham over Christmas go to show

The Earl of Wessex has found himself at the centre of an animal cruelty row after being captured on film raising his stick to one of his dogs during a pheasant shoot

An RSPCA inspector is to examine the images, taken by a photographer at Sandringham, Norfolk, on Saturday, to determine whether the animals were subjected to "unnecessary suffering".

Needless to say, there was no way that I could resist this which is why this evening your humble correspondent has written to the RSPCA asking them to investigate today’s offences…

Dear Sir

Mr Free Market

As this is increasingly absurd Britain, no doubt incarceration awaits me

How do you tell a baby seal from a baby walrus?

… by the club marks on its head

An emergency ban on the shooting of common seals is needed claims Green Party MSP Robin Harper. Now strange as it may seem, for once dear readers I find myself agreeing not only with a Jock but agreeing with a member of the Greeny Party to boot.

After all, why shoot seals when you can club 'em?

Do you have any idea how expensive centrefire ammuntion is?

Aren't we in a recession & need to watch the pennies?

Truscott, my cudgel please. The one I normally reserve for busybody Traffic Wardens

Don't tell Al or Leo

They are not usually the first to spring to mind when a spot of weather forecasting is required but it appears the nation's stoats may know something the Met Office doesn't. In the grounds of a ruined 600-year-old priory in North Yorkshire, the fur of the stoats has turned from brown to white much earlier than usual.

Maybe its worth popping down to the bookies & put a fiver on it being a white Christmas? Rest assured I will be checking the traps & snares out around the farm to see if we kill any little cute white ones

Talent shows & Humayra Abedin

Jaundiced though I might be, Jack “man of” Straw has just spunked away £120 million of the taxpayers money getting his offices refurbished & the only issue that the MSM really seems interested in covering is which social misfit won Who Wants To Be Britain’s Big Brother Got Strictly Come X Factor or what ever these lack of talent shows are called.

& now as the media starts to trumpet allegations of ballot rigging on a positively Zimbabwean scale, it behoves me confess that over the weekend, even I, Mr Miserable, did consider voting. However when the time came to make that £50 non-refundable phone call, I couldn’t find a choice entitled 0845-All-The-Contestants-Get-Clubbed-To-Death. Consequently I was forced to cast all medical commonsense to the wind & break out a bottle of sloe port in a vainglorious attempt to numb myself to the whole ghastly spectacle. Come the Glorious Day rest assured that anyone has ever been involved in the production of this sort of programme is going to get some strips torn off them … not in the office …but down on the flensing deck.

Then of course there was the joyous news about some Doris who got committed to a loony bin by her father because her boyfriend wasn’t an alter boy down at the Shine of the Great Golden Dung Beetle …or something equally absurd. Certainly listening to the news reports, a number of TV talking heads seem to be getting more excited than your average Greek anarchist upon hearing the news that the cost of petrol is coming down. I have to confess that Boy hit the whole issue on the head with the same sort of accuracy that he guns down fluffy bunnies in the paddock, when shaking his head he exclaimed “…but she’s not even British”.

That dear readers is the crux of the matter. This Doris isn’t one of Her Majesty’s subjects & yet our increasingly interventionist legal profession couldn’t help but stick its Gaullist sized nose into another country’s business.

The High Court in London has issued an injunction under the new Forced Marriage Act demanding she be allowed to return to Britain.

Of course dear readers, who is British & who isn’t is something of moot point these days but setting all of that aside for a moment, to my mind, this Doris isn’t one Her Majesty’s subjects & indeed if what little geography I learned at school serves me correctly, she seems to hark from a long way east of Suez. So quite what goes on in Bangladesh has got to do with m’learned friends & just about every wimmins rights activist on your deathlist, leaves me once again, somewhat befuddled & frankly rather drunk.

Woman told to remove Christmas lights to avoid offending non-Christian neighbours

A woman was told to remove her Christmas lights by a housing association worker in case they offended non-Christian neighbours

Dorothy Glenn decorates her home in South Shields, Tyne and Wear, with hundreds of festive lights every year, including a giant tree and a 4ft Santa Claus. But this year she was astonished when an employee of South Tyneside Homes called at her house and informed her that the decorations she was displaying might be offending her neighbours

A Merry Christmas to one & all... but saying that will probably get me into just as much trouble

Giz a job

I seem to recall reading over the last couple of days that Minister Jerry Bumfluff-Bland is trying to cut up a little rough with our legion of social security scroungers & force them to get jobs. (Cue cries of Bob Hope … No Hope etc etc) Statements like this, have the same ring of integrity about them as Peter “the Orangeman” Hain or Jack “man of” Straw calling for the resignation of Beatings Mugawbe. However as the storm clouds gather over the jobs market, I thought that I would do a little research this evening to see what sort of jobs really are out there.

So that this survey does not contain any institutional bias, my primary source information is the jobs section in yesterdays Gruniard & in no particular order, the following are a selection of positions currently vacant…

Surrey County Council – Assistant Service Manager (Transformation) - £52,638 to £63,189

Leeds Involvement Project – Involvement Worker (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Disabled People) - £24,331

Come to think of it, if those are the sorts of jobs that are currently available, I too might have to sit at home claiming dole

5 before 9

1. The open display of tobacco in shops is to be banned in England, the government is expected to announce later

In effect, they want to ban the sale of tobacco from shops. This should come as no surprise given that Nu Labour seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to ban the sale of alcohol in pubs

2. A trial version of the first virtual world aimed at the Muslim community has been launched. Called Muxlim Pal, it allows Muslims to look after a cartoon avatar that inhabits the virtual world. Based loosely on other virtual worlds such as The Sims, Muxlim Pal lets members customise the look of their avatar and its private room. Aimed at Muslims in Western nations, Muxlim Pal's creators hope it will also foster understanding among non-Muslims.

Excellent. Will women characters have to wear black sacks? Will there be a jihad function? Is there a Sharia Law preset? Can we have suicide bomber characters?

3. Women are more skilled than men at assembling flatpack furniture, according to a female boss at furniture store Ikea

Wonderful. Now you have an excuse for leaving it to the Mrs to build that sturdy new Ikea shelf unit

4. More than £2 billion a year is lost through tax evasion

Good

5. The alleged mastermind of the September 11 attacks and four co-defendants last night confessed to murdering nearly 3,000 people in America's worst terrorist atrocity. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed stunned a pre-trial hearing in Guantanamo Bay by declaring that he and his alleged accomplices plan to plead guilty. All five demanded an 'immediate' court session to announce their full confessions

More good news. Time to start oiling that rope. Looks like it will be needed sooner than expected.

Police and the State & the Police State

From Philip Johnston & its enough to make any stout bulldog weap...

When three police officers came knocking at Brett Duxfield's door at 8am, he could not imagine what he had done wrong. The 39-year-old Hartlepool lorry driver was arrested, taken to the police station, questioned and kept in the cells for 10 hours. His alleged crime? Lighting a bonfire on the village green in Elwick, where he used to live. On Bonfire Night.

It turned out that this breached an ancient, but recently revived, by-law. So he was charged with arson, for which the maximum penalty is life in prison.

Or a dozen more, attached to the anti-terrorist command, to invade the offices and property of an MP - or anyone else - without obtaining a warrant, in the investigation of what was pretty obviously a disciplinary rather than a criminal matter?

The full piece is here

Brand, Ross & Carr

As if we needed further proof of just exactly how far the luvvies have become detached from not only society in general, but also society’s mores

Controversial comedian Russell Brand has won the best live stand-up award at the British Comedy Awards. Brand took the prestigious title in the wake of the row over the prank calls he and TV host Jonathan Ross made to actor Andrew Sachs on Brand's Radio 2 show. Brand resigned from the BBC following the incident and Ross was suspended from all BBC duties for 12 weeks. Accepting his award from Adam Sandler in LA, Brand said: "I would like to dedicate this award to Jonathan Ross."

But needless to say, there is this as well…

Comedian Alan Carr has apologised for dedicating a comedy award to kidnapper Karen Matthews.

Everytime that I read about the antics of these so-called TV stars, I am gripped by the urge to track them down & administer a sound kick in the balls. After all, hoofing their nads into the middle of next week wouldn't be assault …think on it more as edgy comtemporary performance art. I have no doubt that Ross, Brand & Carr would agree once they were capable of talking again.

& now the celeb divorce news

As Gweilicus pointed out to me the other day, when Madonna first moved to the UK she said she wanted to feel more British. Now, she is a single parent with three children, all of whom have different fathers

Job done

Yeah right!

An opinion poll in 11 countries has produced what organisers term a "global mandate" for action on climate change. About half of the respondents wanted governments to play a major role in curbing emissions, but only a quarter said their leaders were doing enough. In developing countries, a majority of people were prepared to make "lifestyle changes" to reduce climate change.

Errrrrrr no! What this should read is that a bunch of environmental activists have made up some numbers & are now claiming some higher moral authority to impose there unproven beliefs upon us all. In fact it is one of lifes great & enduring injustices that I have never had the privilege of meeting one of the individuals undertaking this polling because then I would be able to post pictures of the hapless idiot that requires reconstructive surgery on his jacksee because I had shoved his clipboard up his ar*e

Over the weekend Britain has once again been gripped by global warming

Mind you at least The Chosen One, is already doing his bit to cut CO2 emissions...

On the campaign trail, Barack Obama promised to get a million plug-in hybrid cars on the road by 2015. His own new presidential limousine will be far from green, however the Obamobile being prepared for the president-elect is said to be a monster gas-guzzler made by General Motors...the armour-plated car, which has a raised roof, windows up to 5in thick, extra-strength tyres and a body made of steel, aluminium, titanium and ceramics, is thought to be based on a GMC 2500 truck that gets less than 10 miles to the gallon

Al & Leo must be so so proud

The Maynard Doctrine

Given the farce that is unfolding in the Horn of Africa, it must be about time that we re-thought what politicians euphemistically call a proportionate response.

As if by chance history once more teaches us a lesson – just look at this mornings On this Day entry - Lieutenant Maynard knew exactly how to deal with piracy. The part of Edward ‘Blackbeard’ Teach’s demise that I didn’t put into that post was the extent of Teach’s injuries – five gunshot wounds & twenty sword cuts …& that was before Maynard decapitated him & hung his bonce from the rigging. Thats how you deal with piracy … not by negotiating with these b*stards.

Henceforth we shall call this the Maynard Doctrine ... & apparently it works just as well on politicians, lawyers, eco-fascists, traffic wardens & the bloke sitting next to me on the train this evening who could afford a £70 ticket, a laptop, an iPod & a mobile phone but for some reason couldn't afford any deodorant

There’s nothing like a little fascism to bring out the hypocrisy on all sides

BNP members have told BBC News they have received threatening and abusive phone calls and e-mails after a leaked document was published online. The membership list includes police officers, who are banned from being in the BNP, teachers and soldiers. It includes names, addresses, telephone numbers and jobs of 12,000 people

& it would appear that Nasty Nick & his crypto-fascists are getting a little hot under the collar…

Mr Griffin said he had lodged a complaint with Dyfed-Powys Police on the grounds that the publication breached human rights and data protection laws. He told the BBC the party would use Human Rights Act to try to protect the identities of its members

… even though the BNP is vehemently opposed to European legislation & the Human Rights Act in particular. However this little piece of hypocrisy pales into insignificance when compared to the manner in which current UK legislation deals with the BNP. Currently the following groups have what used to be known as the right of free political expression curtailed:

Police & prison officers: Banned from being members of the BNP

Council & NHS employees: Not banned but would be disciplined if beliefs interfered with job

Doctors: Must not allow beliefs to compromise care or attempt to impose political views on patients

Nurses: Not forbidden but code of conduct requires commitment to equality & diversity

Teachers: Membership of political parties must not compromise professional conduct

Trades Union members: Under laws being passed this year BNP members could be expelled if judged to be in opposition to union's beliefs

Armed forces personnel: Not explicitly banned but personnel are barred from political activity or demonstration

The reason given for all this is that the British National Party is considered to be an organisation that promulgates racist policies. Take the Police’s stance for instance…

Police are banned from becoming members of the BNP because it would damage race relations, according to the Association of Chief Police Officers . ACPO's workforce development spokesman Peter Fahy said: "Membership or promotion of the BNP by any member of the police service, whether police officer or police staff, is prohibited. This is because such membership would be incompatible with our duty to promote equality under the Race Relations Amendment Act

Following this reasoning, it is therefore completely justified to discriminate against members of the BNP because it advocates discrimination. I have got that right haven’t I? I just love moments in my life when I stumble upon weapons grade irony like this.

However, just because its early on a Thursday morning lets take this reasoning & move it on a stage further. The same organizations that believe that they have right to discriminate against BNP members, under similar legislation, are also supposed to be implementing the Buggers Charter – employers are supposed discriminate against those who discriminate against shirt lifters. Therefore groups that should be discriminated against include the Mohammedans, Roman Catholics & Orthodox Jews

Oh lorks –o-lordy … just look what happens when the Westminster Village tries to mandate what we plebs can & cannot believe!

Now, just to stir things up a little

From Reader TS...

The decline of once-great Britain and the rest of the West has been accelerated immensely by female suffrage. If only 30-50% of males are either intelligent enough or informed enough to have the vote, that number is more like 10% for women

90% of women have no interest whatsoever in public policy

And women are natural tyrants (just ask Shakespeare) who invent nothing, don't build businesses, and, are not driven to achieve concrete goals related to the physical world

Women value security, i.e. safety and material wealth, over liberty by a massive margin, and they will always vote for the Type A male who promises to keep them safe and secure - in the present. Not being blessed with much facility for abstract thought, the female voter cannot fathom the concept of unintended consequences and long-term ramifications of soft-headed policies to ensure "security" (i.e. primarily state-provision of welfare/housing/healthcare, etc.)

Your red-headed harridan is typical of the tyrannical female politician who is at the forefront in every Western political class, and the judiciary. Your liberty means nothing to her, as she does not value her own

Until the spineless males of Western society face this fact, the West will continue to decline, and weaken

n.b. I am not suggesting that some large number of women are not capable of both being in business and acting responsibly in office, but this cohort will also benefit from having the vote taken away from women. Men will vote for a sensible woman in larger numbers, I would bet, than will women. I would also guess that some very large percentage of women, once barred from voting, would be quite relieved to not have to pretend to care about the process

I'm curious to know what the reaction of a classical liberal will be to the suggestion that liberalism cannot co-exist with female suffrage

I leave it to you dear readers to debate this one, I’m going to bed…!

Happy Birthday

Yes he might well be as mad as a fish, but on a historic point of order, a lot of our Royal Family have been. Prince Charles is a tireless public campaigner on a wide range of issues & enjoys hunting, shooting & fishing. He is a net contributor to the public purse & in recent months, one of his sons has been seen active service. The same cannot be said of any of our politicians

Continuing todays regal theme

Continuing todays regal theme, The Monarchist spotted this piece…

If there were Lunatic Asylums for Institutions, I have no doubt that ‘Megalomanic’ British Monarchy would have been sectioned, straight jacketed and incarcerated ages ago! The repellent tentacles of this rabid military backed British monster has, unopposed, plundered and polluted defenceless countries for centuries. This was evident during the merciless colonising and violent intervention of a voracious crusading Monarchical Britain, at a time when maps extolling British Empire pink showed wide subjugation of much of the world

This rabid military backed British monster has, unopposed, plundered and polluted defenceless countries…...?

Maps extolling British Empire pink showed wide subjugation of much of the world......?

Ah, happier times indeed !

How do you say schadenfreude in Farsi?

I suppose that it is inevitable that I get sent quite a few links but today’s from Reader THW is not only highly topical because there is a lot of speculation about how The Chosen One is going to engage with Tehran but also because it deals with wider issues about Iranian society.

A lot has been written by the pro-Islamofascists about the triumph for their (cough cough) society when it comes to law & order – neatly forgetting the fact that you can get your legs cut off for jaywalking. & if you were to even look at one of those black blobs that is supposed to constitute a woman…!!?!

In Iran for example the regime has made huge efforts to tackle corruption in recent months as well as arresting young men & women for illicit relationships or not respecting the Islamic dress code. At the forefront of this effort has been Tehran police chief Reza Zarei who has championed the moralisation of the city

Zarei led the modesty crackdown on women in Tehran where an unspecified number of the women taken into custody were also forced to undergo psychological counseling. Since the drive began police in his region have handed out 113,454 warnings to women found to have infringed Iran's strict Islamic dress rules. "Of these 1,600 cases have been given to the judiciary" for further investigation, he said. He added that 5,700 people -- including 1,400 men -- have been sent to "guidance classes" on how to behave in society

Now this is all well, good & predictably Islamic right up until

Tehran's police chief, Reza Zarei, has been arrested after he was found nude in a local brothel with six naked prostitutes, according to report on the Iranian Farda News Agency (Link warning: NWS)

Doh!

However it gets just a little bit better as it seems that our errant policeman enjoyed a little roleplay…

Revolutionary Guard General Reza Zare'i, the Commander of the Police for Greater Tehran had been arrested three weeks ago enjoying the company of six completely nude women parading in a house he had rented ", the websites reported, adding that the women had told agents that the General had told them to take all their dresses and pray completely nude".

So let me see here, top cop Mr Moral gets caught with 6 hookers? Maybe the liberals are right after all & the Iranians are just like us … well at least their top policemen are just as hypocritical as ours. How very very Islamic

Of names, Taffies & badgers?

The above photograph appeared on the front page of The Sun a few months ago. Clearly referring to people as ‘Pakis’ is impolite & I used the word impolite deliberately & in preference to ‘offensive’ because just about half the contents of the Oxford Shorter English Dictionary are found to be offensive by someone or other these days.

I seem to recall through the mists of this mornings hangover that local council telly tubbies were banning the use of Latin phrases because Johnny Foreigner can’t manage our language & yet seems to be able to complete a social security claim form with some alacrity. It now transpires that Welsh don’t want to be referred to as British – well at least according to Ron “Badger” Davies.

Somewhat predictably, now that there is a serious bout of feeling aggrieved going around, it was never going to be long before the Taffs got in on the act…

A race relations quango is warning that the word 'British' should be avoided because it is similarly offensive to the words 'negro' and 'half-caste'. According to the publicly funded organisation - headed by disgraced former Cabinet minister Ron Davies - to use the word British 'implies a false sense of unity' that is unwelcomed by people from Scotland, Wales and Ireland

As for the Welsh getting upset about being refered to as British etc, the moment that they stop accepting huge handouts from the English taxpayer, that can call themselve whatever they want, even if that word has lots of double f’s & no recognisable vowels in it. We wont be able to hear their persistent whinging because we will have dug out Offa’s dyke & blown both the Severn Bridge & the Second Severn Crossing. In any case, who cares about what the Welsh do or do not think, not even the French...

Children cheered, bugles sounded and the Prince of Wales inspected the guard, yet an air of improvisation tinged the pageantry at President Sarkozy’s ceremony at Verdun to commemorate the 1918 Armistice ...That was not the only hitch. Speaking outside the ossuary that contains the unidentified remains of 130,000 French and German soldiers, Mr Sarkozy hailed Britain’s sacrifice in the Great War. “France will never forget the English, Scottish and Irish soldiers who fought on our soil as if it was their own,” he said. There was no mention of the Welsh, whose Prince, with the Duchess of Cornwall, was present,

As for this non-sensical 'report', it is the usual claptrap but it is not nearly as interesting as its author, Ron Davies. In September 1998 Davies was Secretary of State for Wales when he defeated Rhodri Morgan to become Labour's candidate for First Secretary of the Welsh Assembly. A month he resigned this post, two days after resigning as Secretary of State. He stood down citing "an error of judgment" in agreeing to go for a meal with a man he had met while walking on a part of Clapham Common, well-known as meeting place for homosexuals looking for casual sex. He was mugged at knifepoint. The full details of the incident which he euphemistically called a "moment of madness" didn’t emerge at first while the Nu Labour spin machine tried to cover up the story. Davies later acknowledged that he had been bisexual for some time, and was receiving treatment for a personality disorder which led him to seek sex in risky situations.

However, like so many Nu Labour politicians, they get to make more comebacks than Lazarus & the story only gets better when they rise from the political grave – Mandy is a classic case in point & so is Davies…

Just before the 2003 Welsh Assembly elections it came out that Davies had been visiting a well-known ‘dogging’ spot near a motorway lay-by. When challenged as to what he had been doing there, Davies initially denied being there for causal sexual encounters & said that he had been going for a short walk, adding: "I have actually been there when I have been watching badgers." I promise you, I am making none of this up.

So Davies with his predilection for errrrrrr Meles meles, is now trying to dictate how we speak ? Who says that governments don’t have a sense of humour?

Natural born carbon credit killers

For those of us that retain a modicum of common sense & for whom the whole concept of Lear Jet Liberals / Carbon Footprint Warriors induces uncontrollable retching, there is now this…

We are on a mission to take away every one of Al Gore's meaningless carbon credits by simply providing carbon debits. Help us make this dream a reality by purchasing one of the packages below. Don't let Al Gore assuage his guilt with meaningless penance, heap it back on with carbon debits – every one of which we will let him know about.

& the question that I know that you all want answered …

The reason we sell Carbon Debits is simple – we want to take away the pathetic excuse of Carbon Credits from those liberals who hide their shame filled lives behind money-bought lunacy. Carbon Credits are simply a way for the rich (Al Gore) to continue to hypocritically live lives that look nothing like what they try to enforce on everyone else in society. We want to take away those excuses.

Our goal is to completely wipe out every Carbon Credit ever bought by selling their nullifying opposite – the Carbon Debit. The guilt and shame that caused people to buy Carbon Credits in the first place will be placed back on them as we let them know that their actions caused us to nullify their credits. They are the cause of us killing trees; they need to face up to their guilt.

This message is important for one reason – Far Left Liberals are lunatics that operate solely on shame of themselves, their success, their country, and their wealth. It is time to expose their ideas and self-defeating idiocy – and selling Carbon Debits is the best way to do that.

Cry huzzah & buy some Carbon Debits today – its nearly as much fun & poking Al Gormless in both eyes with a specially blunted stick. 5,000 gallons of climate change inducing fuel to Bush Rat for pointing this one out

Here we go again

Now that voters in the United States have seen fit to elect The Chosen One, already third world poverty has been eliminate & the polar ice caps have doubled in size. Of course we could never ever have the privilege of such a visionary leader because we are a bunch of racists

A British equivalent of Barack Obama would find it extremely difficult to become prime minister, the head of the UK equality watchdog has said. Trevor Phillips, chairman of the Equality and Human Rights Commission, told the Times the problem would not be voters but the political "machine". He claimed even someone of Mr Obama's talent would struggle because the system was biased against change.

Our taxes are certainly well spent on Mr Phillips’ salary

Compare & contrast

Nazis bad...

Labour MPs are pushing for trade unions to be given the right to expel members who belong to the BNP without penalty. They are attempting to overturn a Lords amendment to the Employment Bill offering more safeguards to union members expelled for BNP membership.
Labour MP Tony Lloyd is leading calls for unions have more freedom to expel members who oppose their beliefs

Communists (even ex-communists) good...

When Gordon Brown sacked senior minister Kim Howells in a thorough clear out of the Foreign Office, he did offer a quantum of solace, in the shape of the chairmanship of the Intelligence and Security Committee - the group of senior parliamentarians who report to the PM on the workings of the security services. But as our Parliamentary correspondent Mark D'Arcy pointed out to him, his personal political history - as a former member of the Communist Party of Great Britain who was once nicknamed Kim Il Sung - made him a slightly surprising appointment

Smokers unfit to parent

Smokers in a north-east London borough will not be able to foster children from January 2010 - unless there are "exceptional circumstances". The ban was passed on Tuesday evening by Redbridge councillors who voted unanimously in favour of the policy. Redbridge Council wants to protect children from "the damaging effects of passive and second-hand smoke".

So by that standard your humble correspondent would be barred from fostering a child, whereas Paul Gadd could be eligible.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc

In conjunction with trying to control how we think, act, how our children are raised & what we put in the dustbin, local councils, that repository of petty minded officialdom, are now trying to mandate how we communicate

A number of local councils in Britain have banned their staff from using Latin words, because they say they might confuse people. Several local authorities have ruled that phrases like "vice versa", "pro rata", and even "via" should not be used, in speech or in writing

Latin, definitely a doubleplusungood & given that it started to be absorbed into the then Middle English language over 2,000 years ago it is about time it was purged from modern Ingerlish … innnit? Inter alia, it is hardly very cool Britannia.

This is a perfect exemplar of the dumming down of one-Great Britain that we have sadly come to expect from the political pondlife who are as ever waving the banner of class warfare…

Some local councils say using Latin is elitist and discriminatory, because some people might not understand it - particularly if English is not their first language.

Ah, the “D-word” & absolutely right. If Norman Numpty can’t understand terms like vice versa or pro-rata, it is critical that they don’t feel discriminated against … not when we should be persecuting them for being so terminally stupid. After all, in what little remains of Brown’s Britain we are short of many many things including working capital, but stupid people we have in rich abundance. Their persecution can only be pro bono publico.

My default reaction upon receiving any official correspondence is to either chuck it in the wood burner or to give it to puppy to chew. However even I have to confess that it isn’t too unreasonable for our hydra headed government to write to me in English & within that definition of English, to use phrases that have been in common usage for the last 20 centuries.

However the Thoughtpolice are set on a policy of reductio ad absurdum. The whole concept that by banning commonly used phrases so that Joe Public will can suddenly understand the reams of official gobbledygook that we get sent is yet another case of the Logical Fallacy; hence the title of this post.

More candidates for the gallows

To say that I am rather enjoying the hot water that the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation is currently in could easily be one of the understatements of the decade

Ofcom, the broadcasting watchdog, announced today that it was launching into a succession of lewd phone calls made by BBC presenters Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross to Andrew Sachs, the Fawlty Towers actor

Indeed the end of last week & most of the weekend seemed to be consumed with meejar luvvies lining up to defend the actions of Ross & Brand as “edgy contemporary humour”. Now I wish that just one of those talking heads would stand in front of me & explain exactly how phoning up an old man & saying that you had “fucked” his grandaughter constitutes humour. Of course this wont happen because one of these apologists would find difficult to articulate their explanation as I beat them to a bloodied pulp with a pick helve.

Ross & Brand (who both earn considerably more than most of the investment bankers that the the media are so quick to vilify these days) are both paid out of the TV Tax that is extorted from us & why doesn’t the Westminster Village speak out against that? Because they are all terrified that the White City Liberals who will stop at nothing to defend the “licence fee”, will start to mount a media campaign against them: these days perception & not policy is everything & no politican has enough backbone to stand up to the ever biased editorial line & the political agenda of the BBC

The truth is better than fiction

I strongly suspect that sometime in the near future, probably on a plane to somewhere, I will see the latest Bond incarnation … the names Bond, Blond Bond … & with a sickening envitability, the whole plot will unravel unfold. Explosions, a surfeit of Aston Martins & birds in low cut dresses. All rippingly good fun which will end with the baddie dying imaginatively & the Empire being saved. Huzzzzah!

However a swift shuftie at yesterdays obits reveals the truth about a life in the secret services

Julia Pirie, who has died aged 90, spent two decades as an MI5 agent at the heart of the Communist Party of Great Britain, most of it as personal assistant to the party's general secretary

Julia Pirie? The codename of a sultry beauty with a pistol tucked into her garter - well not exactly

A small, dumpy woman with the appearance of a confirmed and rather matronly spinster, Julia Pirie was the most unlikely of spies. But her unassuming demeanour masked a sharp intellect and the powers of observation essential for the task of a secret agent

But she spent her life jetting between exotic locations. Errrrrr no

Within the Communist Party she was completely trusted, accompanying the general secretary to regular meetings and conferences behind the Iron Curtain. The fact that she usually attempted to avoid these "dreary" visits to the Eastern Bloc only reinforced her cover

Used Q’s latest devices to conduct her survellience ?

Peter Wright, a former senior MI5 officer, revealed in his book Spycatcher that in the late 1950s one of the agent handlers obtained details of the location of the secret membership files from an agent inside the party. The files were stored in the Mayfair flat of a wealthy party member, and the property was put under blanket surveillance. When the owner's wife rang him to say that she was going out for an hour, but would leave the key under the doormat, an MI5 officer swiftly went round to take an impression. Armed with the key, MI5 simply waited until the occupants went away to the Lake District for the weekend, then let themselves in and copied the secret files

& she used the most high tech communications devices to contact MI5 HQ

Julia Pirie would pass over her regular reports and photocopied documents to her MI5 handlers during cricket matches at the Oval cricket ground, a procedure that left her with a lifelong love of the game

It looks like Le Carre & not Fleming, was a little closer to the mark

Surveillance Britain

Now this could well be just another piece of journalistic over exageration a la the leader in the Daily Mail most days, but then again, the worrying thing is that on recent performance, it might well be true…

Everyone who buys a mobile telephone will be forced to register their identity on a national database under government plans to extend massively the powers of state surveillance.

A compulsory national register for the owners of all 72m mobile phones in Britain would be part of a much bigger database to combat terrorism and crime. Whitehall officials have raised the idea of a register containing the names and addresses of everyone who buys a phone in recent talks with Vodafone and other telephone companies, insiders say.

It really is about time that the villagers went to Westminster, carrying flaming torchs & ready use rope because if anyone is really even thinking about trying to impliment this, the lamposts of Parliament Square need to be decorated with the still twitching corpses of all involved, because we stout bulldogs know this already...

Harvey Mattinson, a consultant at the information technology arm of GCHQ, said that the only real value of identity cards would be to help state bodies share information about people.

Hang 'em all. Hang 'em high.

David John Evans: 23 April 1935 – 22 October 2008

This morning dear readers it is with sadness that I have to report the death of David Evans, the former Conservative MP for Welwyn Garden City & Hatfield. Now regulars will know that I have little time for nearly any politican you care to mention whatever their hue. However Evans was one of those deliciously rare exceptions & even the disgustingly lefy Gruiard had to conclude

Scarcely any Guardian or Independent article involving David Evans, former Tory MP … failed to mention his car-salesman's accent, a sound to chill the blood of any liberal

Now just how badly do you want an epitaph like that? As his obit in the Torygraph goes on to explain

To say that Evans was a man of strong views would be to understate the case. There was probably no one more contemptuous of the wiles of the spin doctor or of the whispered back-stabbing in the corridors of Westminster: a classic grass-roots Conservative, Evans said what he thought, in plain terms, without fear and damn the consequences.

"Do-gooding" liberals, teenage thugs, proselytising homosexuals, and those among the unemployed who showed no diligence in looking for work were among those who felt the lash of his tongue.

Lets just pause for a moment to let the wild cheering subside before going further. Decorum restored? OK lets continue…

He once remarked: "I am a Right-wing disciplinarian. I do not trust Russians. The more nuclear weapons the better." He supported the return of capital punishment, and declared that the way to deal with rapists was to castrate them.

On one occasion he derided the (female) Labour candidate in his constituency because she lived with a boyfriend and "three bastard children", and had never done a proper job. His thoughts on the environment were unequivocal: "I'm more concerned about litter in Parliament Square than the ozone layer."

I know I know. This man’s face should be on every banknote & there should be a national holiday established in his honour, but there is yet more…

he told the European Commission to "get stuffed", advocated the hanging of murderers, opposed abortion, and said of football hooligans, "Give'em scars for the rest of the lives". As the commentator Simon Heffer once observed, he was "famed for his view that the cat o' nine tails is the progressive answer to football hooligans."

Excuse me, I think I need to go & compose myself in a darkened room. But before Nursie gives me my medication, I will leave you with this parting thought; in the place of this staunch Thatcherite, who do we have these days? The answer is sadly, Dave & George. We as a nation are so completely & utterly doomed.

Winter clothing

The more of this credit crunch recession nonsense I read, the more I despair. Take this for example…

Winter is nearly upon us and with the cold weather comes the expense of buying new clothes to keep ourselves warm and those energy bills down.

There are several ways in which you can reduce the cost of your winter wardrobe, starting with only buying what you really need, and setting yourself a strict budget. Once this is done, a good place to start your clothes bargain hunt is by using online discount sites.

How about Mr Free Markets Reduce Your Winter Wardrobe Bill To Zero Plan? Just wear the clothes that you wore last winter. Numpties!

Now I fully appreciate that if you have, as we do, fast growing nippers, then last winters clothes simply won’t fit your children. Well in that case, launder the clothes that are too small & pass them on to a friend who has younger children. If you have sensible friends with older children, they will be doing the same for you.

Maybe it’s the pikey in me, but if a garment that I own doesn’t last at least 10 years, I want my bl**dy money back. I see no reason whatsoever to have to buy “this seasons great new look”. If you are stupid enough to be taken in by the advertisements, then you deserve to completely blow through your credit limit. If the increasingly bovine populous can’t work that out for themselves, the penury them awaits is completely justified.

I really didn't want to have to hang anybody else today, but then I read this...

The right of people to collect wood from Britain’s forests that was created under the Magna Carta has been overturned due to health and safety fears.

The Forestry Commission has scrapped the right, enshrined in the “Great Charter” at Runneymede in 1215, in order to stop people picking firewood from woodland. Instead they suggest people buy wood from local firewood merchants allowed into the forest, something critics argue is “carbon intensive” due to the use of vehicles to move the wood.

The retired builder from Trefriw, north Wales, said: “The Magna Carta states that a common man is allowed to enter forests and take deadwood for firewood, repairing homesteads, fixing tools and equipment and making charcoal.” He added: “Now they’ve stopped issuing licences and they are giving the reason as health and safety issues.

Would all employees of the Forestry Commission kindly join the queue. Employees of the Health & Safety Executive are already in the queue. Right at the front.

Monday morning lynching: Part 2 - More candidates for the lamppost jig

Though a mist of Sunday night whiskey, I spotted this post from last week, over at the Castle

A new survey claims that seven per cent of Americans now qualify as “dark green”, hard core recyclers and carbon footprint worriers. But it is unclear whether some of their behaviour qualifies as eco-leadership or bordering on the obsessive-compulsive.

Carbon footprint worriers? Who the firkin hell are they when they are at home? Is that something like hard core vegans? You know, anemic unhealthy looking individuals who are so anti-meat that they won’t even drive through a village if it has “ham” in its name*.

Dark green? Please form an orderly queue behind the liberals & kiddy fiddlers. Mr Pierrepoint will be with you presently

* Apologies to Mr. William Bailey for the gratuitous recycling of his joke

The mother in law in the cab

I don’t for a moment think that any further commentary on Family Free Markets taste in cars is required. We drive Landrovers. Most of our friends have at least one Landrover as you can see from this picture of the farmyard taken during the summer

& those few that don’t, generally wish that they did as Mrs FM is pulling them out of the mud at the point-to-point etc etc etc.

Now I suppose that the main difference between my Disco & Mrs FM's Defender isnt the speed at which they burn the worlds dwindling supply of fossil fuels, not the rate at which bits fall of them; it is that the Discovery comes packed with all sorts of electronic gizmos: bluetooth network, trip computers & satilite navigation. The Defender, by contrast, comes with an ignition key.

Like most things in life, all this wizardry is go & bad. I now know exactly how lost I am, but there is no way of overriding the seat belt alarm. Normally I have absolutely no problem with this, but they are times when your humble corrspondent is out over the fields, jumping in & out of the car to open gates, pick up freshly shot badgers etc when wearing a seat belt becomes a right pain in the proverbials … as is the ping ping ping of the seat belt alarm.

However, I see in The Times this morning that matters, somewhat predictably & in the finest traditions of the Nanny State, are set to take a turn for the worse…

You are running late so you take the corner a bit faster than you ought to – but a disembodied voice on the dashboard is having none of it. A new generation of in-car navigation systems will take sat nav from being simply an electronic mapping device to being a driving instructor, telling motorists when to change gear, at what speed to take a corner and even how to drive more economically.

It looks at though when it is time to change the Discovery, I will be buying another Defender as a replacement – one of the old ones.

Todays health advice...

...from Mr du Toit who seems slightly vexed as a result of reading the latest pseudo-scientific survey

Of course, it’s load of old twaddle, put together by scientists, a group who are not renowned for the social skills and healthy lives anyway. Come to think of it, the list is horribly womanly, but that’s hardly surprising, considering that modern-day scientists are more interested in telling the rest of us how to live their lives than, say, inventing really useful stuff like insecticides and atom bombs.

One can always combine activities, such as shooting the daughter’s boyfriend, then hugging her to tell her that it’s for her own good. And the health benefits of putting socialists to death are well documented, so if your daughter doesn’t have a boyfriend…

The latest piggy bank news

The Department for Transport annual results - published on the 25th of September - show that, nationally, only 6% of accidents are caused by people breaking speed limits and yet almost 100% of the government's road safety money is being invested in speed cameras

I can't for a moment think why that might be! However recent changes in the way that government handles the huge amounts of money that these things make has led to common sense starting to prevail

Councillors in Swindon have voted to stop funding the town's speed cameras. The Wiltshire town's borough council is believed to be the first in England to withdraw funding for fixed cameras. The revenue from fines generated by the cameras goes to the government, but the Conservative-led borough council pays £320,000 a year to maintain them.

Of course, we always knew that it was never about road safety

Rope Required - Part 1

Aside from the whole tone of this article on the disgustingly pro-EU Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation’s website – exhibit 1 me’lud

The government is acting to end the prosecution of so-called "metric martyrs" - traders who continue to sell goods using only imperial measures

I am frankly aghast at the news that:

a) once-Great Britain has such a thing as the Department for Innovation, Universities, Skills & Innovations – that sounds to me like another load of jobsworths, living high on the hog while on the taxpayers nickel

and

b) the aforementioned jobsworths have the temerity to think that they have a say in whether your humble correspondent buys a pound of apples or not.

However, putting aside the fact that all of these public sector spongers should have been culled at their desks years ago, why exactly does it take the no doubt very diligent members of the aforementioned government department "months" to do anything?

The Department for Innovation, Universities and Skills said Innovations Secretary John Denham would introduce new guidelines within months that would prevent local authorities from taking traders to court

This sort of thing drives me mad. It fills me with resolve to get back on a plane to Blighty & set up a market stall which only sells in Imperial Measures. If some yellow jacketed clipboard wielding trading standards officer had the temerity to come slithering up to me, they would be given the following options:

1. Purchase produce in a measure that has served stout bulldogs well, that we know, understand & love - even buying things by the pound is probably a offence in Brown's Britain, let alone selling them... or

2. Make an early morning appointment to come & visit me at home. I will be waiting…

Rope Required - Part 3

Now doesn’t this have the stench of lawyerdom about it…

A US judge has thrown out a case against God, ruling that because the defendant has no address, legal papers cannot be served

Yep…. as this morning we seem to getting through more hemp the famed Judge Parker (late of the U.S. Court for the Western District of Arkansas, located in Fort Smith, Arkansas). So lets string up any lawyer that might escape the soon to be introduced bi-annual cull of the legal profession. They are all as guilty as sin as well as being professionally joint & severally liable for this sort of utter utter nonsense.

(via Alan)

On This Day (Part 2) ... in 1967

This morning dear readers there is an additional On This Day post as today marks the 41st anniversary of the happy slaying of commie scumbag Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, following his capture at Quebrada del Yuro in Bolivia.

Yes, the man that while alive spouted bad politics & in death, hundreds of thousands of pieces of lousy student art finally got his own bullet riddled comeuppance

Deans World points it all out with the pic below...

& the following Che quote

"To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary...These procedures are an archaic bourgeois detail. This is a revolution! And a revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate. We must create the pedagogy of the The Wall!"

"The Wall" meaning the wall that Che Guevara so happily put people up against to shoot them.
But Che didn't always bother with the wall. One of his favored methods of killing was to tie his victim to a chair, gag him, walk around the room a bit ranting at him, and then slowly walk up, pistol in hand — and splatter the victim's brains and skull across the room while his companions watched.

I bet that would play well down at the Student Union bar - happy hour could certainly take on a new meaning

How green?

It isn’t just the conjecture peddled as scientific fact that really gets to me; it’s the quantum of the unremitting misery emanating of the eco-fascists that has me reaching for the firstly a whiskey bottle & then a firearm. However yesterday, the supposedly ‘independent’ Climate Change Committee announced that the UK needs by 2050 to cut its greenhouse gas emissions by 80% & completely ‘decarbonised’ our power sector by 2030. So whilst the lights will continue to burn in Quangos offices, the rest of us will be living in complete darkness.

To illustrate my point here, I noticed a piece in the Chicago Tribune while a was there a few days ago where they (with they assistance of local sustainability groups – I promise I am not making this up) were trying to identify their ‘greenest citizen’ & came up with one Ken Dunn who it transpires, is

Greener than the social worker who last year commuted 16 miles a day by bike in the dead of winter.

Greener than the Chicago apartment-dweller who composts his own urine and excrement.

Wow! Ken must live in a mud hut & spend a lot of his year wearing nothing but wode. Well not exactly, but

Dunn produces only 3,800 pounds of carbon dioxide a year, as compared with the 44,000 pounds produced by the average American… stated another way, Dunn is already living at roughly the level of carbon emissions that scientists at the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change say the average human must achieve by 2100 if we are to avoid dangerous effects of global warming.

However…

For the most part, the top contestants frequently rode bikes instead of driving, kept the heat down in the winter, grew some of their own food, went without air-conditioning and airplane travel, and spent little on clothes and entertainment.

But…

Dunn pulled ahead of the others in part because he uses a wood-burning furnace, which produces local air pollution but lowers carbon emissions significantly. He also had an advantage in that he eats expired and discarded food he acquires from stores and restaurants

So to meet United Nations targets, you wont be allowed to travel anymore, forget buying a new pair of jeans & your diet will consist of soon to be rotting vegetables

Better still, Ken scored so highly on the green-o-meter that he beat one Sayre Vickers into second place. Vickers

makes his own furniture from discarded wood

doesn’t have running water and…

hauls his 3 gallons a day from the bathroom one floor below.

However to top that, Vickers'

toilet is a bucket, with a 30-gallon garbage can nearby for storing human waste layered with sawdust. Vickers has a friend in the suburbs who allows him to park the cans when they fill up. The contents decompose, forming compost.

Well I guess that with solves the problem of unwelcome guests popping round unannounced for a cup of tea. Or to put this another way, as Obnoxio The Clown says...

Enough. Just ... enough. We've had the blatant lies about the allegedly warming planet shoved down our throat for long enough. We have people telling us to cut down on eating what we want to eat for the sake of Gaia. We have people flying around the world telling the rest of us not to fly around the world. We have weapons-grade cock-ends telling us that we must use wind energy because it reduces our carbon footprint, despite the fact that it just leads to a requirement for more backup power from "non-green" sources. We have other weapons-grade cock-ends telling us that despite the "green-ness" of nuclear power generation, we shouldn't use that. We have people raving on about peak oil without any f*cking consideration of economics. Yadda, yadda, f*cking yadda.

"Senior scientists", take your alarmism and go f*ck yourselves.

Good golly!

A gift shop, located near a slavery museum, has been criticised for selling golliwog dolls. The controversial dolls are on display at the Wizzard shop, part of the Albert Dock complex in Liverpool. Officials at the International Slavery Museum, also based at the site, said it was "shocking" and called for the dolls to be removed from sale.

So when exactly did golly become controversial? Or to rephrase that, when exactly did golly become controversial in the real world i.e. not in the op-ed columns of The Guardian or as the latest hobby horse for the Race-Guilt Industry?

Still, Richard Benjamin, head of the International Slavery Museum thinks that

These dolls reinforce out-of-date racial stereotypes which are deeply offensive to many people, particularly within the black community

Mind you, he also thinks

That they are still on sale in a supposedly progressive city such as Liverpool, and on the doorstep of the International Slavery Museum, is shocking and we would like to see them taken off the shelves

Liverpool, a progressive city?? Clearly Mr Benjamin’s sense of reality is in urgent need of recalibration. Mind you, the same can be said of Tim More, city councillor for Toxteth's Princes Park ward

It is clear to many people they are insensitive and offensive. It is a real shame in our Capital of Culture year, when we are celebrating diversity, our shops should be selling items which offend many people

Of course the entire concept of Liverpool being some sort of City of Culture is risable in the extreme as the only culture you get in Liverpool is car theft which the locals have turned into an art form - but set that aside for the moment & lets get Nanny involved

Trading standards officials have visited [the store] & have advised staff the dolls were likely to cause offence to many customers, but they said they had no power to confiscate them.

Caruthers, get me m’revolver & a cricket bat . It looks like we need to go to the dreaded north for the day to dole out a large dose of common sense.

Pain is Glory, Pain is Pride, Pain is Great to Watch

I spurn reality television as I would a rabid dog & will continue to do so until some red rimmed glasses wearing TV exec comes up with a programme format that involves hanging politicans, lawyers and employees of the Health & Safety Executive. As a genre, it is at best pathetic & if people really want to be humiliated, I understand that there are websites where young ladies offer such services in the errrrrr comfort & privacy of bespoke premises. Quite why TVland thinks that I should want to come home from a long day in the office to watch someone having to eat their own poo or whatever ‘challenge’ the contestants have just been set is completely beyond me. The only useful purpose such programmes serve is as an interview process to help us identify those who are so terminally stupid that come The Glorious Day, they will find their names entered under the column “To Be Clubbed To Death”.

So aside from the shabby premis that underpins this entire group of programmes is the issue that each new series has to be even more sensationalised than the last. Maybe I am alone in this but I really don’t give a stuff about what is currently happening in the Big Brother house unless it is the news that the Prophet’s most ardent followers have turned up with one of their special delivery lorries & there is now the sort of redevelopment opportunity not afforded to Londoners since that nice Mr Hitler decided to get into the town planning business.

However the latest & most grubby show Unbreakable has incurred the wrath of the TV censors, not because it is an insult to the very notion that man pocesses higher intelligence but because of this

A reality television show that features contestants being forced to submit to the illegal torture technique of waterboarding is "unacceptable" and could breach watchdog standards, lobbyists have warned.

What a nation of puftahs we have become. When I were a lad, such techniques were pretty common practice in the Junior House dormatory, as was locking anyone who had done their Latin prep into a trunk & throwing it down several flights of stairs. In fact, if they were to make a reality show called Traditional British Boarding School it would undoubtedly be banned, not on the grounds of the crime of elietism, but because it would be considered way too violent for todays cotton wool Britain. & I can tell you all now, being brutalised for ten of my formative years never did me any harm! As for being trapped in a tent full of CS gas until such time as you have hoiked your guts up - if you haven't done that, you havent lived

According to John Whittingdale, the Conservative chairman of the media select committee, the show in question is unacceptable. Apparently…

It seems that scenes of torture are being used as entertainment. What next?

Yes, & your point is exactly? In happier times, it could be said that such practices simply built character.

Flowers

Whilst on the face of it the police actions here seem a little unreasonable…

The mother of two young children killed in a fire at their family home has been marched away by police after trying to lay flowers on her own doorstep. Denise Goldsmith, 29, said she wanted to pay tribute to her sons Lewis, seven, and Taylor, five, who died when a blaze broke out at their house in the coastal town of Eastbourne, Sussex.

The mother was locked out of the property on Saturday afternoon while her children were trapped inside as the flames tore through the house. She returned to the scene yesterday, and witnesses said that she became hysterical when police told her she could not pass a cordon while forensics teams worked at the property.

… I am 100% behind them in this instance.

When did this stupid flower laying nonsense start exactly? These days you can drive down just about any road you care to mention & at exactly the spot Dazza roled his heavily ‘modified’ Vauxhall Nova (silly wheels & an even sillier exhaust pipe) through the hedge you will see a rotting bunch of flowers, wrapped in plastic, tied to the tree that so dramatically proved he was no Lewis Hamilton.

Are spreading bunches of flowers (usually purchased at the nearest petrol station) proof that you really ‘cared’? Why stop there? Given that we now live in multicultural Britain, why not go around beating your head & wailing in a quasi-Middle Eastern fashion? Surely the greater display of grief is proof public of how much you cared? Like so much of our modern society, things have taken a damatic turn a turn for the worse in recent years. Whatever happened to grieving in quietly, in private & with dignity?

The Jewel of Medina & yet another Muslim 'moment'

By now, I expect that all of you have read about the latest object of blind Muslim rage..

Plans for the British publication of a controversial novel about a young wife of the Prophet Mohammed have been postponed following a firebomb attack at the publisher's London office.
Martin Rynja of Gibson Square books intended to publish 'The Jewel Of Medina' by U.S. writer Sherry Jones.

It brings to mind this little piece that appeared in The Spectator in July…

People keep discovering things that a few noisy Muslims can be persuaded to be offended about – statues of pigs in a Midlands park, a police poster involving a dog. How about croissants next? A reader reminds me that they were first made to celebrate the defeat of the Turks by Jan Sobieski at Vienna in 1683. How much longer will European society be permitted to serve this daily humiliation to Muslims with their continental breakfast?

Thought crimes

A few days ago we touched upon the ‘reach’ of our judicial system. Today, I notice that

A leading Holocaust denier was arrested as he flew into Britain yesterday, accused of running an internet site that insisted that the Nazis had not murdered millions of Jews. Dr Fredrick Toben was held at Heathrow at the request of the German authorities for publishing “anti-Semitic and/or revisionist” material between 2000 and 2004.

Although Holocaust denial is not an offence in Britain, it is a serious crime in Germany and Dr Toben faces up to five years in prison. The Australian citizen was arrested under a European Arrest Warrant designed to fast-track extraditions.

Dr. Toben, a German national has commited no offence on British soil yet he finds himself arrested & now threatened with so-called fast track extradition to Germany where Holocaust denial is a crime.

Now without doubt Toben is a deeply unpleasent piece of work who holds even more unpleasent beliefs. However firstly I question whether he has even commited an offence on Germany soil & secondly, I ponder the wisdom of assisting the German authorities in abitarilly seizing individuals.

It interesting to consider that HMG seems happy to comply with a foreign government in this case & yet it doesn’t seem to want to apply the same standards to the ‘thought crimes’ of our own home grown Jihadies. Or maybe I am just not getting something here?

John Hogan & Paul Gadd

Exhibit No.1

No action is to be taken in the UK against a father who threw his son to his death from a hotel balcony, the Crown Prosecution Service has said.

Quite right – John Hogan is without doubt an utter utter scumbag who deserves to die slowly & in pain. However he has committed on criminal offence in the United Kingdom & there I am completely at a loss to see how exactly the UK’s judicial system proposes to persecute him as the events in question took place abroad

Exhibit No.2

Paedophile and former pop star Gary Glitter has been banned from traveling to Spain via France.

In similar fashion, kiddy fiddler Paul Gadd also deserves a painful & lingering death. However, he is being banned from traveling not for what he has done, but what he might do. If the Spanish or French authorities banned him from entering their respective countries, that is one thing. However to refuse to allow him to leave the country because of his track record is quite another. (As an aside, by that measure, we should immediate seize our Foreign Secretary’s passport, but I digress)

Lets apply a similar legal concepts to your humble correspondent. Should I be banned from leaving the country because I propose to drive on German motorways at speeds that would earn me a custodial sentence in Blighty? In about seven weeks I shall be in the USA making merry with the sorts of firearms that would induce PSH in the Westminster Village. Should I be locked up for that? Actually, the way things are going I suspect that I probably will be.

Now that the UK’s legal system has become Sharia law compliant, should I be incarcerated for say sitting in bar overseas, having a drink while eating a bacon sandwich & taking the “Prophets” name is vain? Well I certainly would be if I were sitting at home.

Christus rex! We have enough of a crime problem in the UK without wanting to worry about what has happened of may or may not happen abroad. That takes the ungodly combination of prescriptive liberals & an increasingly arrogant judicial system.

Happy news from Sharia compliant United Kingdom

A muslim who claims he did not know Tesco sold alcohol is suing the store for religious discrimination after having to carry crates of drink as part of his job. Forklift truck driver Mohammed Ahmed, 32, worked in a distribution depot for eight months before quitting 'in protest', an employment tribunal heard.

When he realised it did, he asked to be found different work but alleges that one of his supervisors told him: 'You do the job or go home.' Mr Ahmed also claimed his line manager was 'aggressive' towards him and another supervisor angrily told him: 'Do not take the p***.'

Frankly, I am with the supervisor who said ‘you do the job or go home’, however my prediction is that Tesco’s will be vilifed by the Muslim appeasers who seem to comprise our judical system these days.

I know that I might have what could be deemed to be a slightly narrow view of these sorts of situations, however if Mr Ahmed doesn’t like his job, he could simply just go & find another one. But that would be way too simple – much better to make allegations to racial & religious discrimination & then get m’learned friends involved … no doubt at the taxpayers expense because I very much doubt that Mr Ahmed has the wherewithall to pay for their fees himself.
So its situation normal in Blighty!

Of Disappointment, Large Hadron Colliders & Ed Balls

Am I just wondering if I am alone in my disappointment that the World didn’t end last week? I mean there were no end of scientists (whose academic credentials are only matched by the thickness of their glasses) claiming that when the switch in Switzerland got flicked, we were all going to be consumed by anti-matter. & there was me worrying that may be it wasn’t just the World that was as risk: could this device cause a chain reaction that might cause the entire Universe to collapse upon itself as all of its thermal & mechanical functions failed …surely that would render all human endeavour rather pointless. So I stayed in bed this weekend.

However the World didn’t end, baby polar bears keep drowning, we all have to go back to work this morning & the Swiss can go back to making cuckoo clocks or whatever it is they do when they are not calculating the current open market value of all the Nazi bullion they are still hoarding.

So in the absence of the arrival of the Four Horsemen, it looks like your humble correspondent will have to go back to working out how the hell he is ever going to pay off his credit cards & the doom mongering scientists can go back to issuing dire warnings about melting ice caps while trying to fit just one more biro into their lab coats top pocket.

Ho hum!

Of course dear readers, I don’t actually want some over blown Heath Robinson device to cause the Laws of Physics to be reversed but lets be honest here, we could all have had a jolly good laugh if say just a tiny amount of dark matter had been produced: just enough to consume France & of course Brussels. In fact in that instance I’d have been straight down to the my local Large Hadron Collider franchise asking if I could have one too & given the financial malaise that grips the global capital markets, how much dealer discount they are currently offering.

Now while we are on the subject of disappointment, the other disappointments last week includes the fact that HM Government continues to show just how much it despises us stout bulldogs & is now considering buying new ultra long range speed cameras although in combustion tests, whilst they might be able to photograph you breaking the speed limit by 2 mph at a distance of 125 miles, they burn just as well as the current crop of Gatsos.

In fact going out & putting half a dozen or so of these digital piggy banks to the torch before retiring to your local for a tummy full of finest foaming & a spot of badger baiting in the car park after closing time is just about the most fun that you have in the absence of being given a mandate to lynch that smug little git Ed Balls on primetime TV.

Now there are some out there that maintain that the sight of Balls-Up doing the lamppost tango is a far better fate the he deserves & that’s a reasonable point. Whilst in the past I have advocated a wide ranging cull of the legal profession, just about every inhabitant of the Westminster Village, MEPs, Guardian readers & anyone that worships at the high altar of global warming, the projected viewing figures of Ed Balls enduring a painful death with gratuitous use of extreme close ups shots from the ‘Claw Hammer Cam’ make for a compelling commercial argument, aside from the fact that such a piece of reality TV would receive critical acclaim.

If fact, were I not currently in Hong Kong & might well be minded to track down the Right Honorable Member for Normanton & engineer his demise. Recent polling suggests that an overwhelming majority of the UK’s population would like to see this piece of prime pondlife with one of Mr Stanley’s most excellent products hanging out of the back of his cranium. Who am I to disagree?

Sadly I can't because I am here & he is there, so instead I’d better go to the office now, man made black holes allowing.

of Marks & Spencer, hotels and arson

There are times when you read the news, see pictures of the beautiful people on their superyachets & think golly, I wish that were me. The flip side of the coin is that you also read stories & you thank the Gods that this didn’t happen to you – not in the natural disaster multiple car wreck airliner plunging out of the sky in flames sort of way but everyday incidents that would have inevitably landed you in prison. Like this for example…

A mother who complained to shop staff that her seven-year-old son's Superman playsuit was faulty was told data protection laws meant they could only deal with him. Staff at Marks & Spencer insisted that Jacob Hunter-Lamb give consent for his mother to act on his behalf before they would resolve the problem.

"The whole thing was just so bizarre. They said because of data protection they had to speak to the recipient of the costume. He had to tell them the address and then give them permission to speak to me. We laughed about it, but I felt really undermined."

Reading this story, there are faults on so many levels. The retailer in question, Marks & Spencer fessed-up that their member of staff had made an error with is fair enough. We all make mistakes. Well all make mistakes at work. The normal issue is how well can you cover them up / blame colleauges for them. However when you make a mistake like this & it appears in the national press, you are completely b*ggered. Period.

On the other side of this blame equation, Debbie Lamb isnt without fault either. According to the report she felt “undermined”. Now what exactly does “undermined” mean when its at home? Clearly Miz Lamb is a wishy washy type of individual who is now receiving “counselling” for the “trauma” that she has suffered.

& if this sort of thing had happened to your humble corrspondent?? If some Johnny No-Stars shop assistant had said that I couldn’t exchange so goods on behalf of my six year old daughter? Well I certianly woundnt have felt “undermined” problably because I would be too busy to feel “undermined”: too busy burning down the nearest Marks & Spancer store & hence, earning me a stint of free B&B at Her Majesty’s pleasure.

Then there are stories like this…

A hotel that refused an injured soldier a room, forcing him to spend the night in his car, was backed into issuing a grovelling apology yesterday after receiving a barrage of abusive phone calls. The Metro Hotel, in Woking, Surrey, called the police as its phone lines were flooded with angry and threatening calls from the public.

The corporal, who was not in uniform, presented his warrant card when asked by the hotel for proof of identity. After being refused a room, he had to bed down in his car, with his wrist, broken during a convoy ambush, encased in plaster.

I read this sort of stuff & thank the Gods that I am not in the UK at the moment because I wouldn’t hesitate for second, burning this hotel to the ground. See, there are stories that you read in the newspaper that when you read, you just grateful that it didn’t happen to you!

What, no safety case?

This days it would seem that riding a horse [is] a 'severe' health and safety risk.Now from first hand expirence I can tell you that riding a horse is bl**dy risky judging by the number of times that Mrs FM & the nippers seem to come crashing off them, but if donkey wholloping is your thing, go & enjoy. Just remember to be sure to have some cash on you for the taxi home from the hospital because I’m not coming to pick you up. Done that too many times over the years.

However, in Nu Labour’s cotton wool Britain, dispiles of Yellowjacket, the God of Health & Safety look to have succeded where His Majesty’s excisemen failed…

For the past 44-years, villagers in Dymchurch, Kent, have celebrated the character of Dr Syn, a quiet village vicar by day and a smuggler hero by night, who was created by local author Russell Thorndike.

Dr Syn galloped through seven novels, donning a scarecrow disguise to avoid excisemen and soldiers as he and his desperate band of night riders bought food and drink to starving villagers.

On the second August bank holiday of every other year, a resident of Dymchurch has dressed as Dr Syn to gallop along a nearby beach and ride through the streets for a Day of Syn celebrating the hero. However, this year, his exploits were curtailed after insurers decided it was too dangerous, leaving Dr Syn instead forced to walk.

Whilst I might rile against this country’s Tyranny of Lawyers, the Cult of Health & Safety is prehaps even more corrosive. As I sit here planning The Glorious Day, at an idealological level, the only question that remains unresloved in my alcohol ravaged mind is who do we execute first?
The inhabitants of the Westminster Village?
The entire legal profession?
Or all employees of the Health & Safety Executive?

Meanwhile, Avon & Somerset Police are at it again...

They just love filming us, using every excuse to take DNA & now want to be able to hold you for over a month without charge. In that context, how about this one?

When Andrew Carter saw a police van ignore no-entry signs to reverse up a one-way street to reach a chip shop, he was understandably moved to protest to the driver. Particularly as he lives on the road and always goes out of his way to obey the signs.

Mr Carter was then arrested and bundled into the van over claims he had 'assaulted' an officer with his camera, resisted arrest and was drunk and disorderly. He was held in a police cell for five hours before being released on bail at midnight.

I don’t suppose that the fact that PC Farooq hasn’t been dismissed from the police service has anything to do with this…

It is understood no further action was taken against PC Farooq, who is a member of the Black Police Association's Avon and Somerset branch. According to a report from the Bristol Equalities Network published two years ago, PC Farooq's duties within the BPA included work with the wider community on 'good relations with the police'. At the time he was the branch's general secretary.

You have to remember that Avon & Somerset Police are apparently an equal opportunites employer whose diveristy policies & employment criteria include the following statement…

We will continue to provide positive action for people from underrepresented groups including people from ethnic minority backgrounds, females, people who are transgender, gay, lesbian & bisexual & people with a disability.

Maybe I am just a tad too cynical about trite statements such as that, especially when they give cause to an investigation by the Commission for Racial Equality

The Commission for Racial Equality (CRE) began an investigation into recruitment at the constabulary following reports that candidates are being turned down for being white. The force rejected 186 white applicants because, it said, its workforce was "over-represented by white men". Under the Race Relations Act, shortlisting or appointing on racial grounds is unlawful.

However, lets take skin colour & race out of the equation for the moment & say that the police officer in question was one PC John Smith. If PC Smith had:

a.) Committed a traffic offence
b.) Sworn at a member of the public
c.) Damaged a member of the publics private property
d.) Arrested a member of the public on false charges including possible common assault

I just wonder if the police disciplinary process would have treated him as leniently as it treated PC Farooq?

Now while all of this is going on is Avon & Somerset, down in Cornwall, the local bill are showing their true colours…

Officers from Devon and Cornwall's police force are to officially support a gay pride event in Cornwall. Members of the force's Gay Police Association will attend the county's first gay pride event, Cornwall Pride 2008, in Truro on Saturday. The event at Victoria Park will feature stalls, dancers, singers, comedy acts and circus workshops. Chief Constable Stephen Otter said he was personally adding his support to the organisers and participants.

I know that I have a rather old fashioned view of life, put there was a time that I seem to recall when policing was about catching criminals, not about diversity targets or proving your poftah credentials. These days, even thinking like that, let alone publishing such comments on the internet will probably have you detained without charge quicker than the Metropolitan Police will beat you senseless for protesting against the Hunting Bill

Fat: Replaced with "enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance"

"COR!" gasped Billy Bunter, his eyes gleaming greedily. "I must be dreaming!" He stared again at the notice in the baker's shop window.

The Fat Owl of Greyfriars School pushed open the shop door and hurried inside. “Good morning, What can I get for you, sir?" asked the assistant. “Cakes? Bread? Rolls?"." I wanna free pie," said Billy. “I wanna enter that pie-eating contest. Better give me half a dozen pies. I'm a bit peckish!"

According to Ingsoc & their apparatchiks at the Ministry of Truth, it is now crimethink to use the “o-word"

Parents of primary schoolchildren will start getting letters next month telling them how fat their children are under Government plans to tackle childhood obesity. But however much they weigh, no child will ever be described as “obese”.

The department said that research had shown that the term was a turn-off, so instead it will use the term “very overweight” for those children whose body mass index exceeds 30, in an attempt to enlist parents’ support.

It also is now doubleungood to use the “e-word”

Among other forbidden words is “exercise”. Will Cavendish, director of health and wellbeing at the department, said that this, too, conveyed an unhelpful image to parents. Being “physically active” is preferred.

If you ban exercise, is it any wonder that children end up as lard arsed woddle bottomed biscuit boys. Oooooooooooophs, that’s gender specific …. also a thoughtcrime in this absurd poxy country

Liberal arrogance knows no bounds

The British government faces a potential diplomatic row with Antigua over the shooting of the honeymoon couple Catherine and Benjamin Mullany after demanding that anyone convicted of the crime will not face the death penalty.

Antiguan officials told The Daily Telegraph that the Foreign Office attempted to make such a pledge a condition of allowing Scotland Yard detectives to fly out to help in the investigation.
One senior Antiguan source said British officials initially demanded a signed guarantee from the country's Prime Minister, Baldwin Spencer.

There is so much fun to be had on so many levels with this one, but in the interests of time & because this morning I haven’t even finished my first cup of not-fairtrade coffee, shall be just say that in Great Girlyman Britain, the concept of a murderer doing the “long drop” is a complete anathema. Then the op-ed pages of our liberal press anguish over our absurd levels of crime. Trust me on this, a few still twitching corpses swinging gently in the breeze will do more to deter crime than trying to understand the causes of crime – plus it saves the taxpayer money. Sadly, all we can do is to lament the death of our good friend, common sense.

Mind you, then we have the flip side of the coin...

The British Government has been told to postpone extradition of Abu Hamza until a ruling on whether sending him to a maximum security US jail would breach his human rights.

The European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg gave the order as the 48-year-old's lawyers claimed he would be kept in inhuman conditions.US authorities want to jail Hamza in America's most secure jail, the Supermax ADX Florence in Colorado, which houses 38 convicted international terrorists.

Hamza is currently serving seven years in Britain for soliciting murder and stirring up racial hatred. The former imam at London's Finsbury Park Mosque is accused in the United States of trying to set up an al-Qaeda training camp in Oregon. He faces 11 charges in total, including sending cash and recruits to al-Qaeda and the Taliban and one relating to the kidnap of 16 tourists in the Yemen in 1998. Four hostages, including three Britons, died in a rescue attempt.

Via Bill & The Isle of Wimps

Is penuria pingo

Model Katie Price has hit out at the "snobs" who excluded her from a prestigious annual society polo event. Price, also known as Jordan, says she paid £6,000 for a table at the Cartier International at Windsor, but was told she was not the type they wanted there.

I try to have as little to do with the horsey set as possible (that’s Mrs FMs department) but despite my best vainglorious efforts, I get dragged along screaming to a number of dos & end up having to spend much more time then I would like in close proximity to the same. Now the horsey brigade are many many things, but in my not inconsiderable experience of such matters, they tend not to be snobs. Turn up, for example, at one of our three local hunts’ meets & I can all but guarantee you that the smartly dressed young ‘gel’ sitting atop a beautifully groomed pony probably has to work on the tills at Tesco to help her parents pay for the stabling costs. Go to a point-to-point & standing out in the rain, leaning on the rail will probably be some impoverished member of the local gentry happily chatting away with the local building. The only difference between them will be that the builder will inevitably be the more smartly dressed of the two.

As for the event in question(a polo match), I have no doubt, that the reason that the organisers didn’t want Ms. Price or her even more unpleasant spouse to attend is that they are both unbelievably common. If you don’t believe me, take on board a few gentleman’s measures of whiskey & settle down to enjoy Katie & Peter’s TV show. Not only does it make for hysterically riveting viewing, but only then can you fully appreciate how truely ghastly these people really are.

Its not that their alphabet only contains 25 letters as they both seem to have the same genetic disorder that prevents them from pronouncing their h’s, it’s that these people have absolutely no manners: they just do not understand how to behave with any form of civility. If eschewing their like makes me a snob, then I am happy to be so branded.

Ms. Price indeed knows more about matters equine that your humble correspondent – that’s all well & good – but I will put money on the fact that she would turn up to Windsor Park inappropriately dressed & then proceed to hold her knife like a pen. Again, if those sorts comments make me a snob, I am more than comfortable.

I used to take Mrs FM to Royal Ascot & I don’t hate horse racing, I really really hate it. The only real sport to be had is to try & work out just how much money the bookies are making on each race. As for Ascot, having to put on a morning suit only makes a bad day worse in my estimation, but if you don’t turn up in the proper rig, how the devil are you going to raise your topper to Her Majesty. I think it was about four years ago we stopped going to the Royal Enclosure because when the organisers had to explain to & I hesitate to call them ladies, how to dress for the occasion. It was at that point that we knew our time there was done.

This goes back to the whole cult of celeb-braty & dear dear Katie is an excellent exemplar of the same. She has achieved a certain profile through taking her clothes off for cameramen & to my mind, there is nothing wrong in that as a concept. However, along the way, she was either never been taught or has never bothered to learn any manners. The same can be said for the overwhelming majority of so-called ‘stars’ that fill our newspapers & television screens. & we then wonder why our children turn out so badly?

"Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight"

Grampian Police has apologised for "humiliating" a woman handcuffed while violently resisting arrest. The woman made five complaints to the Police Complaints Commissioner for Scotland (PCCS). They were mainly rejected, but the force has now apologised after a female officer ignored a request for a doctor. The officer patted her own pockets and said she did not keep one on her. The commissioner's report claimed the woman "felt humiliated by the response".

So this shy & retiring little petal felt humiliated by the policewoman’s response – I wonder how she would have felt if she had been on the end of a proper old fashioned “fell down the stairs on her way to the cells”.

Now in all fairness the real blame in this story rests with the Grampian Police. If this Doris really was “violently resisting arrest”, when her mealy mouthed lawyers (& I bet you a penny to a pound that civil rights lawyers are involved here somewhere) turned up at the police station to make unfounded allegations, he or even she should have got the living daylights beaten out of them.

At the moment, of the several hundred songs that I have on my MP3 player, I find myself listening to Get Over It by The Eagles the most, because of the lyrics at the start of the second verse…

You say you haven't been the same since you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight

Even puffins have 'rights'

Here are a couple of stories that caught my eye first thing this morning ...

Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has upset viewers by catching and cooking a puffin - Can't have anybody catching something & eating it. It would appear that Ramsay hasn't broken any laws, its just that 'viewers' are somewhat in denial about the food chain. That & the fact the puffins retain excellent PR consultants. So how's this for a concept, we have a cookery show where nothing cute gets eaten. May be then, viewers sensibilities won't be offended

Second up we have this little gem...

Illegal immigrants will be able to use sham marriages to stay in the UK after a judge ruled Government rules banning the practice was a breach of human rights - So its now legal to break the law so that you can break the law. Looks like the judiciary doesn’t want anything to interfere with our ability to import people that want our money.

How close am I to ripping up the return portion of my airline ticket?

& the nonsense goes on & on & on & on...

Senior officer in West Midlands Police disciplined for 'black man's wheels' jibe

which all rather reminds me of this...

Go on, spark one up

In China, you cannot drink, eat & socialise without a cigarette. Without cigarettes, the country’s stability will be affected

Zhang Baozhen, Vice-Director of the (Chinese) State Tobacco Monopoly Administration on the topic of why the anti-cigarette fascists are getting upset about the fact that the Beijing Olympics won’t be “smoke free”

Environmental profiteering

Yesterday evening, sitting in my apartment looking out over Victoria harbour I actually read the South China Morning Post. Now for those of you that have never had the pleasure of the SCMP, it’s a bit like the village newspaper with a hefty dollop of sycophancy dressed up as Chinese patriotism. Its slightly better than the out & out propaganda in the China Daily … but only just.

Anyway, in Wednesdays supplements were a section on property & tucked inside that, another section on Corporate Social Responsibility, probably because in Hong Kong, real estate & CSR are such happy bedfellows! Still a swift perusal of said sections reveals that local companies have adopted a very sensible attitude to the environmental movement…

Local companies have turned to manufacturing LED lighting, small & large wind turbines, & flower pots made from starch & bamboo rather than plastic, to name just a few initiatives. While the majority of this is being exported to European & North American markets, it shows that Hong Kong companies have cottoned on to the money that can be made out of the environment

Sometimes, you just have to love this town

Government housing proposals

The traditional British summer strikes back

Chavs

The middle class self-loathing liberals of the Fabian Society are bemoaning the pejorative connotations of the word ‘chav’…

The word 'chav' is a weapon of class hatred and should be banned, Left-wing academics claim. The Fabian Society believes the term, a common derogatory expression for a brash white working-class person, is offensive. It wants to silence those who use it to describe loutish types in Burberry baseball caps, scraped-back hairdos and clanking fake gold 'bling' jewellery.

Tom Hampson, The Fabian Society's editorial director, said the word chav must be banished from enlightened circles. It should not be acceptable to anyone who believes they are 'progressive' in their politics, he said.

Of course, it is exactly the same middle class self-loathing liberals of the Fabian Society that created chavs in the first place with their failed social welfare policies & ‘progressive’ education theories.

To my mind, it is high time that we stopped looking upon this feral underclass as just the drain on the public purse that it undoubtedly is: we should come to regard these louts as an untapped resource & a money making opportunity.

Simply round up a group of say 20 pieces of this pondlife & fill with their favorite alco-pop. Total cost thus far £19.99 looking at Lidl’s special offers page this week. The give each everyone who isn’t already carrying a knife something suitable, stand back & televise the results. The Chinese especially would pay zillions for a live video feed. See, there’s money to be made here. Simon Cowell, email me.

Lies, damned lies & government statistics

Police-recorded crime in England and Wales fell 9% in the 12 months to March, latest figures suggest. The first reliable figures for knife crime showed there were 22,000 offences last year. The statistics also show that while the risk of being a victim is at its lowest ever level, people still think that the rate is going up. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said she was "extremely pleased" with the overall reduction. The annual crime report for 2007-2008 reveals the longest recorded period of falling crime - down 48% from 1995.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, the world outside the the Westminster Village...

A youth thought to be in his late teens has died after being stabbed at a property in south-west London, Scotland Yard has said.

Even buggers seem to have 'rights'

A gay rights group claimed a council's plan to remove bushes from a heath discriminated against homosexuals – because people use the area for sex. The Rainbow Group – the council's own lesbian, gay and bisexual action group – objected to the move and said it was a threat to gay rights. Work on the beauty spot – a well known meeting place for men who want sex – was put on hold as officials consulted police and gay campaign group Terrence Higgins Trust to ensure there was no discrimination.

On Monday night I am flying back to Hong Kong. The more of this sort of thing that I read, the more I am minded to cancel the return portion of my ticket. Sod 'em ... if you will forgive the poor use of pun!

Monday Morning Statistics – Part 1

Jamie Cooper,19 was testing radio equipment outside Basra's Shat al Arab Hotel in 2006 when two mortar bombs exploded. The first blasted his hands and right arm and the second ripped opened his buttocks, severing the nerves to his leg as shrapnel went through his pelvis and into his stomach.

Mr. Cooper, who was serving with the 2 Rifles at the time, has been told that that he is not disabled enough to receive council tax disability benefits, even though he now has to walk with a stick.

Mr Cooper has been awarded £57,000 compensation by the Ministry of Defence. This sum compares with £485,000 paid to an RAF typist who suffered “repetitive strain injury”.

This is why soldiers want their children, if the join the forces, to join the air farce.

& the news from home

At the moment, your humble correspondent is on the point of getting back on a plane … for the next two weeks. However when I read about the Government’s stance of religion

It is "common sense" for Christianity to be sidelined at the expense of Islam, a Government minister claimed on Sunday

& its policies towards England

The scale of the disparity between spending on the NHS in England and Scotland has been laid bare with official figures showing the gap widening to almost £400 per patient.

I am on the point of ripping up the return portion of my ticket

Knife crime

From a distance of about 8,000 miles, I can’t but help but view the current knife crime sack cloth & ashes routine going on in the Westminster Village with rye mirth & amusement. If you recall dear readers, your humble correspondent has had his personal property seized on two occasions by the State on the premise that it was going to make all the little children safe. Instead what happened was that law abiding members of the community went out & bought more firearms (I am absolute proof of that) & the scumbags out there tapped into the rich & endless seam of illegal weapons & are now proceeding to gun one and other down in the streets with monotonous regularity.

Now, with knife crime spiralling out of control, the politicians are queuing up to be seen to be being tough & doing something about it. That of course hasn’t stopped the bleeding heart liberals already starting to claim that we cant look up any of these yoofs which is unlikely in any event, because to lock someone up generally requires an arrest to be made. These days, the police are way too busy with revenue generating initiatives such as tending their rich crop of speed cameras, to tackle anything more serious & pressing.

However, here is my little Thursday morning prediction for what its worth: I have absolutely no doubt that very soon that Scottish jerk will be appointing a Knife Tsar because that will really make a difference. Let us also hope that the inevitably newly formed Metropolitan Police Knife Crime Task Force isn’t led by Inspector Couteau

Manlove

Defying threats of prosecution and mounting public wrath, the mayor of a remote Greek island Tuesday performed the first same-sex marriages in the country, wedding two men

Nothing new here then ... & there was me thinking that the Greeks were proud of their history & traditions?

You stupid b*stards!

A man wearing a T-shirt depicting a cartoon character holding a gun was stopped from boarding a flight by the security at Heathrow's Terminal 5. Brad Jayakody, from Bayswater, central London, said he was "stumped" at the objection to his Transformers T-shirt. Mr Jayakody said he had to change before boarding as security officers objected to the gun, held by the cartoon character.

For most of the second part of June, I will be getting on & off planes. Lets just say that I shall be wearing my Manchester Firing Line Range t-shirt a lot because it doesn't have a cartoon character on it ... it has a large picture of a super evil black MP5 plastered right the way across the back.

British Airports Authority ... what a bunch of tw*ts. Clearly you are about as much use as IBM's customer service department (see previous post). Just remember dear readers that employees such as these are in the front line of the fight against terrorism.

More on migration

More than two million foreign nationals have moved to Britain in recent years and nine in 10 of them came from outside Europe, according to new research published. MigrationwatchUK, a pressure group, has calculated that a net 2.3 million immigrants arrived in Britain between 1991 and 2006, the majority of them from developing economies in Africa and Asia.

Only 205,000, or eight per cent, came from the East European nations that have joined the European Union since 2004, according to Migrationwatch's analysis of official population statistics. The group said the scale of non-European immigration undermined the Government's claims on migration patterns and laws

I have to say that it is to Britannia’s credit that we take it upon ourselves to import so many people that are unskilled, don’t share our traditions & values or even speak our language … just so that we can give them huge amounts of the taxpayers money. It makes me proud to be British

& the news from the West Country includes …

A village shopkeeper claims she has been threatened with arrest after warning customers of approaching traffic officials. Alma Floyd, 60, started tipping shoppers off when "over-zealous" police community support officers (PCSOs) began a ticketing campaign on people parking outside her store. The family-run grocery has no car park but shoppers have used the pavement outside its door without incident for more than 60 years.

We all know that Police Community Support Offices aka plastic policemen are generally the sorts of 9 stone weaklings that got bullied a school. Given them some sort of uniform to compliment the bum fluff that a lot of them seem to wear as a badge of pride on their upper lips & before you know if you have a wannabe copper who at best could never pass the full police physical but is probably emotionally retarded to boot. Anyway, according to Mrs Floyd

... she was told by police that she risked arrest for her actions.

"The owner of the diary has never been threatened with arrest. She was spoken to by the neighbourhood sergeant following verbal abuse which was given to a PCSO, but no further action was taken."

Just remember that the Avon & Somerset Constabulary was recently getting all angsty because it hadn’t met its diversity targets. Not its crime clear up rate, but diversity targets

The CRE let Avon and Somerset police force off the hook after another investigation found that the force had breached the Race Relations Act when it rejected 186 white applicants because its workforce was “over-represented by white men”.

That’s the measure of the quality of this particular organisation.

Frankly when I read this sort of article, I cant help but thank the dear Lord that I am currently over 8,000 miles from home because if it were down to me, I’d be agitating for the good residents of Cheddar to start building the barricades in the face of this nonsense.

Oh, & BTW, telling these numpties to “bugger off” is not “verbal abuse” it is a statement of what used to be known as common sense. If the police refuse to use some good grace & judgement when it comes to exercising their duties, then their mandate to exercise those same said duties should be immediately & irrevocably revoked i.e they should just bugger off so that they have more time to worry about things that they & they alone seem to think are important... such as diversity targets.

However, in Dorset, things are even worse …

A privacy watchdog is to investigate a council that used powers to spy on people, including a family suspected of lying about where they lived. A couple were monitored for nearly three weeks by Poole Borough Council to find out if they were really living in a school catchment area. Covert surveillance was also used to check for the illegal harvesting of cockles and clams by fishermen. The Information Commissioner's Office (ICO) said it has "concerns".

Concerns?? The Information Commissioner’s Office has concerns?? WTF is that supposed to mean?? When local councils start mounting surveillance operations the only concern of the Information Commissioner’s Office should be is that all of Poole Borough Councils offices have been collectively burnt to the ground by normally decent law abiding citizens & so-called surveillance officers heads are being proudly displayed on pointy sticks by the now smoking ruins of the town hall.

See, I told you that it is just as well that I am a long way from home at the moment

Little Miss Moffat

My erstwhile host in Texas recommends that whenever striking up a conversation with a member of the Pictish nation, you should politely invite your counterparty to

Punch me now Jock & get it over with

because you just know that it is going to happen sooner of later. Indeed the social morels north of 'the wall' do seem to dictate that an evening out should involve, at the very least, a few casual heeeeedbutts (aka the Glasgow kiss) or the gratuitous use of a broken beer bottle.

Now in no way do I countenance violence against women in any of its many disgusting forms but when I read that

Police have launched an investigation after Labour MP Anne Moffat was attacked, BBC Scotland has learned. Ms Moffat said she was mugged by a gang of drunken youths and left with broken ribs while jogging near her home, in Cockenzie, East Lothian. The East Lothian MP was knocked unconscious and her watch and jewellery taken by her attackers

I cannot help but conclude that Hadrian was right all along.

However this post doesn’t intend to question why little Miz Moffat was wearing jewellery while out jogging … clearly her concept of physical exercise & mine, are markedly different. Where your humble correspondent would like to go with this post is to cast a jaundiced & bloodshot eye over her response to these events.

Now I know that many of you, upon hearing the news of this attack, will have a similar reaction to mine, which runs along the lines of why on earth haven’t more of our perfidious MPs been bludgeoned unconscious & how can we ensure that this occurs more regularly in the future. But it is Miz Moffat’s reaction that I find both interesting & distressing on two separate but connected levels.

Firstly, her statement that

These people are just scum

Of course, it is very rare to find such candour from our political class. However, I would have thought that calling anyone scum these days breaks about 25 pieces of anti-incitement legislation. Surely these people aren't scum, they are just disadvantaged?

I have no doubt that if your humble correspondent were to refer to anyone as scum public, I’d be on the receiving end of the six o’clock knock & the bracelets would be well & truly. If fact, these days even referring to anyone as Jock or Taffy probably constitutes racial harassment. Calling someone scum whether they are or not is an open invitation to the Crown Prosecution Service to try & pin one on you However in ZANU-Labour’s Britain, some are more equal than others.

Secondly & even more crucially, is Miz Moffat’s assertion that

Its made me more aware of what it's like to be a victim

Ah, the socialists holy of holies … she has ascended to the most hallowed of deities … that of victimhood. Note that she isn’t going to figure out how to ensure that this never happens again. She isn’t going to work out how to defend herself in future. She isn’t going to take any responsibility for herself or her actions: quite the reverse in fact, because she is now a VICTIM*.

To my mind, anyone that thinks of themselves as a victim deserves all that is coming to them.

Victim: (noun) a burden on others, a burden on the taxpayer

A man walks into a pub...

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an a*sehole out of Scotland,
put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

From Gareth