July 3, 2009
A further formal apology
A few days ago I published the following apology over comments I had made likening Gordon Brown, Peter Mandelson & our Labour Government to a bunch of Nazis
I wish to make an unreserved retraction of those comments because it is now clear to me that Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s cabinet & government bears no resemblance that of Nazi Germany’s
I would like to reiterate that apology once more this morning
Piccies from Peter & more of the same from Double Tapper
July 2, 2009
Thursday morning caption competition
& to get you going how about... you are never caught short with the new short action xyz
This brings back happy memories of my year in Finland
& before anyone asks, megapussi translates from Finnish as large bag
July 1, 2009
June 28, 2009
June 26, 2009
So Michael Jacksons dead....
Please feel free to publish suitable jokes in the comments section below
When Hair meets gansta: The worst police mugshot ever?
With his hair half-braided - and half in a huge bushy afro - Marcus T. Bailey could easily win an award for worst hair day of all time. The 25-year-old had been halfway through a visit to the barbershop when he stepped outside allegedly to sell crack cocaine to two addicts. What he didn't know was that police were waiting for him and promptly hauled him off.
The result was this extraordinary mugshot which shows off his unconventional hairstyle in all its glory. Bailey teamed his new look with a rather sulky pout. Police say they recovered about 21 grams of cocaine from his car in Evansville, Indiana.
June 24, 2009
Tourettes syndrome & chat rooms
Again dear readers let us set matters of taste firmly to one side in a similar manner to which the box’eads spurn any semblance of dress sense. Once great Britain might now be engulfed by political correctness, but like a debutants bra (up & out girls, up & out) tonight I fully propose to make light of incurable neuropsychiatric disorders – if you are in anyway offended by this, that is entirely your right as an offendee (eh? Ed) in exactly the same way as it is my right as an offendor to poke fun at sufferers of Tourettes Syndrome.
Whilst more than one person has commented that increasingly your humble correspondent suffers from a severe case of coprolalia (yes, that’s coprolalia – Google it!) that is nothing when you consider that these days a prerequisite of achieving high governmental office seems to be that you need to be a complete nutter, intellectual spastic, retard or preferably, combination of all three. Parliament isn’t so much a ship of fools as proof that Care in the Community simply doesn’t work.
Given that yesterday morning a well known investment bank now in public ownership informed me that I must be barking mad if I thought they were going to give me any more money after half a dozen man sized nightcaps, I had cause to ponder in somewhat hazy fashion that I too might actually be a sufferer.
Therefore in the light of these completely unfounded allegations ... aardvark ... I have spent a bit of time doing some research which has revealed some interesting & informative websites best of which was Tourette Syndrome which provides both information, support & a wide range of links to related sites.
However, upon closer inspection, it would appear that this site has the potential to provide one of the most amusing resources on the internet - yes, there it is on the page - the link to a Tourette Syndrome chat room ...! Oh yes, there is a God after all. Parp. Can you imagine the conversations??
Member 1: Woof
Member 2: F**K OFF!
Member 1: Woof woof
Member 3: F-F-F-F- F**KING W***KER
Member 1: Woof woof woof
Member 4: @*%&) #?^- ... etc etc etc
I mean, what is a moderator to do?? Wibble! During a busy time, it must resemble a cross between Battersea Dogs Home & your average soccer crowd but if for whatever reason my posting drops off this week, you know where you will be able to find me, not so much barking at the moon as howling at the screen on my laptop.
June 23, 2009
Cycling clubs
If I could get my hands on one of these, even I might be tempted to take up push biking
A wave of the fat capitalist cigar to Alan for finding it
June 19, 2009
A formal apology
Earlier this week I published what I thought at the time was a whimsical piece comparing the unelected First Secretary of State the Right Honourable the Lord Mandelson PC, with the democratically elected Adolf Hilter. I am deeply sorry & embarrassed to have compared British Labour Party of 2009 with the German National Socialist Party of 1939. I wish to make an unreserved retraction of those comments because it is now clear to me that Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s cabinet & government bears no resemblance that of Nazi Germany’s
I realise that such comparisons are completely incorrect, have no basis whatsoever in fact. The Policies that the Labour Party have pursued since 1997 have at no time sought to discriminate against certain sections of society to the advantage of others.
I therefore redact my previous erroneous comments without limitation & hereby undertake not to be nasty about law abiding politicians again. Not.
June 17, 2009
Heil Mandelson
Take a picture of Peter 'Mandy' Mandelson such as this...
& photoshop on a Hilter moustache like this...
The results are way way too convincing for my liking
A wave of the fat capitalist cigar to Tomo for coming up with this one
June 16, 2009
Gates
First up we have the traditional cleft oak gate
next, that stalwart of the shires, the hooked 5 bar
now we mustn't forget the classic heavy braced crossed oak design
& finally something a little more contemporary...
... the galvanized Essex dogging gate
June 12, 2009
June 10, 2009
Things to do on a Tuesday night when you are bored
1. Drink a few glasses of something very dark & very peaty
2. Graft yourself on to the sofa of sloth to enjoy the BBC's fluffy bunny everything is cute & cuddly Springwatch programme & contemplate the cute & cuddly Kate Humble in lengthy & considerable detail
3. At the end of the programme, when they tell you that you can upload your cute & cuddly wildlife pictures on to their website, do so...
Oxfam advertising
Children hungry? Well if you have made the mistake of giving Cook the evening off, phone for pizza like any normal person? Maybe Oxfam should run How to Order In courses & before someone points out that Dominos doesn’t deliver to the sub-continent, they could always call Curry-in-a-Hurry ... or am I being a little obtuse?
June 9, 2009
June 5, 2009
Deuteronomy 22:5 - a tad tough on the trannies
& I noticed in the news the other day that...
Danny La Rue, the cabaret entertainer once described by Bob Hope as "the most glamorous woman in the world", died yesterday aged 81.
However, if the Book of Deuteronomy is correct
The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God
right about now, the old queen won't be having a terribly good time!
June 4, 2009
June 3, 2009
May 29, 2009
’n Boer maak ‘n plan
If you are a store owner from, Brakpan (South Africa) & you are tired of people breaking into your shop on Voortrekker Road, what are you going to do? Simple, shave your dog to look like a lion.
That should keep the tea leaves away...
I don't have any data on how our ersatz lion has impacted upon existing customers' shopping patterns, average spend & dwell times however from what I hear, the lads from Brakpan don't really care. They are a bit like that! Typical bl**dy miserable Dutchmen.
May 28, 2009
Your breakfast thought
This morning as I tuck into my fry up I shall be considering is all you can eat actually all you can eat?
& the Wall of Bacon was brought to you by Supersized Meals
May 26, 2009
May 23, 2009
May 21, 2009
How stout bulldogs protest
Forget the great unwashed anti-capitalist thugs or indeed the Tamils that insist on blocking Parliament Square, this is how you protest with panache...
A man drove a Rolls-Royce through the window of a Tesco supermarket yesterday after staff at the store refused to sell him alcohol
In fact it could have only have been better if Aggrieved of Andover had got his chauffeur to drive said Rolls through the super market window. Now that would have been real style.
& while we are on the subject of proper chaps, may I also commend this excellent piece by Andrew Roberts to you, dear readers
Westminster cannot operate like some gentlemen's club," the Prime Minister has said, echoing remarks of various other MPs – Tories, as well as Labour – that Parliament needs to reform itself or it will continue to be an archaic, inward-looking, inefficient institution such as they infer are the gentlemen's clubs of London.
What infernal cheek! How dare the denizens of Westminster, mired in this cesspit of scandal of their own making, look three-quarters of a mile westwards and try to equate London clubmen with their repulsive practices. If one is looking for sleaze and corruption in today's society, where do you look for it: Westminster, or St James's? If club members were caught doing half of what it turns out MPs have been up to, they would immediately be forced to resign their memberships and never show their faces again.
Why we drink
Tonight I'm a little under the cosh so I trust you will excuse me if I simply repost one of my favourites that I feel pretty comprehensively covers a topic very close to my heart ... liver ... & kidneys
Upon stepping into the office this morning, I had two different people remind me what day it is. 'It's Friday' they spouted, as if they had just unveiled some hidden truth about life - no sh1t it's Friday, believe it or not I have a vague understanding of the passing of time, and keep myself moderately aware of what day in the week it is. But thanks anyway, lest I forgot and had the horrible misfortune of thinking it was Thursday. Could you imagine? The horror.
So what does Friday really mean? Why do people feel the need to tell you what day it is? I don't recall many occasions where an excited employee nudged me with a pointy elbow to remind that it was, in fact, Tuesday. 'Dude, it's Tuesday, sweet.'
Well, the reason is most of us hate our jobs, and Friday is our welcome respite from the soul sh1tting grind that is the working week. And what do most of us do on a Friday night? Drink. Self-medicate. Salute ourselves for another listless week by flooding our central nervous system with what is essentially poison. Before you think me some finger pointing parade rainer, please know that I love, love the poison.
So we drink, letting our horrid memories of pointless meetings, inane office banter, the sound of the printer spitting out the dead carcasses of our beloved, oxygen giving trees just so everyone in the office can read yet another idiotic memo from the CEO reminding us all of the importance of 'hammering the phones' (this ass-clown refuses, refuses to email the memos, declaring that it's much more 'personal' when it's tangible, in your hand, and you're reading it. Note to cock-smoke, no one reads them anyway, you'd have a better shot at getting us to look at a feces-smeared scrap of notebook paper and sticking that on our desks, you raging, insufferable, overpaid mental midget.) By the way, why couldn't someone have told me that the phone would be such a huge part of corporate life? I don't remember hearing in college, by the way, 89% of you will make a living by incessantly calling uninterested parties via the telephone and trying like holy hell to get them to purchase something you yourself don't even understand or believe in, enjoy, you're doing yeoman work!
So, we drink, we drink to wash it all away, to silence the demons that fester in our skulls Monday through Friday, that feed off our collective apathy as we whither away in front of the true idiot box (the computer has officially taken over the T.V as the single most contributing factor in the decline of modern civilization, causing at the very least eye damage, and the worst, total and complete mental breakdowns. If Google's pop-up blocker didn't come around, I'd be serving 25 to life right now for some sort of reprehensible crime).
So we drink, we drink to forget and to forgive. To forget the past 5 days, and forgive ourselves for what we're about to do in the next two. To forgive ourselves for not becoming what we always dreamed. To forgive ourselves the rampant complacency that has taken a hold of us as we watch our lives slip away, one company-wide email at a time.
So we drink. Like rabbits f*ck, we drink, from close of business to close of bar, we imbibe enough alcohol in one sitting in the vain, fruitless attempt to carve out just a smidgen of fun in an this suddenly barren, bleak, pale existence we call our lives.
Okay, I think I'm getting a bit too depressing. It's Friday after all, as I was just reminded by Kelly, our sales engineer, as I was typing this. Actually, I should be clearer, she said, 'Hey hun, T.G.I.F, right?' I should have replied 'L.O.L Kelly, hopefully we both get a little T.L.C tonight, oh, B.T.W, f-off.'
Kelly's a nice girl; I shouldn't take this out on her.
So we drink. Like Republicans lie or Democrats waiver, we drink; we drink more than Market Street smells. We drink more than the Muni line 30, 41, and 45 through Chinatown blows. We drink more than Ted Kennedy's third liver could ever hope to possibly expunge. We drink because we can. We drink because we must.
Now of course, there are some of you out there who like their jobs. A few who dare use the word 'love.' But you're not reading this, b/c you're busy doing what you enjoy, not scouring CL for something or someone to buy/sell/trade/dump/f*ck/rant/rave/find/steal/lie to/lie about/and all other things Craig.
We drink because Katie, our manager, is so insecure she actually makes breathing awkward.
We drink because Bruce, the VP of being a incredible ass-face (and Biz-Dev) insists upon wearing enough cologne to the point where lighting a match anywhere near him is potentially life threatening.
We drink because Michael, the homophobic advertising guy, gets all red in the face if you call him 'Mike'. So of course, we call him Mike often, cutting off the 'e' at the end to emphasize the point that we're really, really enjoying it.
We drink because if we have to endure one more Friday afternoon meeting, we might just projectile vomit in Kevin's glandular, gnome like face. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean the rest of us want to sit down at 4:45 on a Friday to discuss the company's direction for Q3. You see Jeff's left eye twitching? I'd give this meeting another 3 minutes before he reaches across the table and pulls one of your ears off, Kev. The man's in a custody battle for his children and you're taking time away from his weekend with them because you're a selfish, horrible man. And if Kevin does blow, you can bet your ass Mitch, the North West sales manager will. I swear that guy starts off cooking some chicken by biting their heads off. Do you hear his unending finger tapping on the faux-marble table? Notice how the pace quickens every few minutes? Well Kev, you've got a few more seconds of being a bullsh1t blowhard until Mitch pulls your heart of your f'ing chest.
We drink because there's no such thing as a good week of work.
We drink because if Jessica doesn't say, 'this is a mission critical decision' at least 4 times a week, it means she was out sick three days. Jessica, it's an office supply order for Staples, how in HOLY HELL is that mission critical? Do you even know what mission critical means? Do you? You're the office manager, not the board chairman, the phrase 'mission critical' should never, EVER come out of your mouth. It's a stapler, not a funding request, chill out.
We drink because there is no such thing as a uni-sex bathroom. It's a girls bathroom people. You wonder why us guys leave the office at least twice to three times a day, not including lunch? It's because we have to sh1t, and we can't very well sh1t in that veritable Globe Theatre of a restroom, where every sound is amplified ten fold. The one time I just had to go (note to Jessica, now that was a mission critical decision) and simply couldn't make it to the hotel across the street (those people must have caught on that I'm not staying there, considering they see me every day) I took a sh1t in the uni-sex bathroom, and what ensued was an anal-philharmonic, led by yours truly, in which the entire office was privy to every fart, grunt, and bowel-related sound effect I had to offer. I felt like taking a bow when I got out, possibly chugging some coffee and going in for an encore. So no, it's not uni-sex, it's a girl's room. You might as well stick a huge tampon on the door with a note reading 'No Y Chromosomes allowed'. Oh, and Regina, I salute your utter shamelessness when it comes to sh1tting. I've never, ever seen a women carry the paper under arm when she walks into the bathroom. Truly, classic stuff.
We drink because we know Ted's gay, the whole office knows Ted's gay, Ted's friends and family know Ted's gay, and we're pretty sure at this point Ted must be vaguely aware he's gay, yet he still insists upon talking about all the 'hot ass' he 'tags' over the weekend. Note to Ted, it's not working amigo, when you can recite more show tunes than Nancy, who worked on Broadway in Manhattan for 4 years, well, it's time to take the jaws of life to that closet door and step out into the world the way you were intended.
Thing is Ted, everyone likes you, you're good people, and coming out won't change that, it will simply save us from the intensely awkward experience of suffering through one of your bullsh1t 'she was so hot and then we did this and that' stories. How come we never see this girls Ted? How come they never call, never email, and what's that stain on your shirt? It doesn't look like mayo.
We drink because we all know that 'lunch and learn' really means this will be the worst lunch you'll have all week as we're forced to share low-rent burritos at Chevy's and listen to some hired-gun of a sales guy tell us all how we have to 'want it' more than the other guy. Hey Chet, this is software sales, not rugby, now fooooook off.
We drink because Amanda in finance is hot, and Tom in HR thinks he's going to bang her, and as God in heaven is my witness, if he does I will completely shut down and cry myself to sleep, because Tom in HR is quite possibly a larger d-bag than Kevin, and should he bed Amanda, well, then..nothing is right in the world. We drink because we're afraid that might happen, and we drink because we're too afraid to talk to Amanda, save for the pathetic 'warm today' comment we threw at her on Tuesday. No sh1t it's warm today, she too must come from outside like the rest of us, it's not as if she wakes up, showers, than steps in her transporter and beams herself to work. She goes outside too, you phuque. And by you, I mean me.
We drink because we're almost positive Brett and Stu are get stoned at lunch, and we're pissed they haven't invited us along yet.
We drink because the last time someone said something funny at work it was completely unintentional, and it revolved around a Freudian slip when Kev, at the end of one of his marathon Friday meetings, was trying to answer Mitch's constant interjections over our marketing budget but also trying to keep Brian quiet and ended up trying to speak to them both at the same time, calling Mitch 'bitch'. Hilarious. The fact that Kev survived that meeting is a testament to the fact that he's like a cockroach, and could survive anything. A nuclear holocaust ensues, we're all dead and there will be Kevin, holding court in a Friday afternoon meeting with three charred corpses and half a human head, wondering aloud where everybody is?
We drink because calling our work weekend in Reno a 'retreat' is an oxymoron. It's not a retreat, it's an assault, an assault on everything we hold dear - how DARE you ask me to give up a weekend to go to a conference with the whole company in Reno. I'd rather eat Kevin's sh1t. Okay, that's a little too far. I'd rather throw sh1t at Kevin. Actually, come to think about, throwing sh1t at Kevin would be kinda high on my list of things to do over a weekend.
We drink because Shelly has now tried to arrange four different happy hour get togethers and the only one who shows up is Kelly and Mitch, and the only reason Mitch shows up is because he's a drunk. We drink at some other bar, out of sadness for Shelly. And Mitch.
We drink because the thought of Monday is enough to make us cry.
And finally, we drink because in the end, when it's all said and done, we have much to celebrate. We are lucky enough to have the luxury of bitching about corporate jobs and cubes and the bullsh1t office when you consider the state of affairs for most of this planet's inhabitants, every day a true struggle, food and a roof over their heads never a certainty, but rather something they strive for. We drink because in the end, we're lucky, spoiled, pampered brats, we know it.
We drink because we can.
We drink because we have to.
Shamelessly right clicked from here & reproduced without permission.
May 20, 2009
May 19, 2009
May 18, 2009
A round up up of Swine Flu humour
Courtesy of Gwelicus
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1
&
Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse... but we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's a way
May 15, 2009
Terrorist Threat Levels (with one or two new additions)
The British are responding to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And at a "Commenwealth" level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi"..
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level...
& a wave of the fat capitalist cigar to MdB for this one
May 14, 2009
I don't know if this is just a coincidence but...
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds around the globe
It gets worse... next year is, 2010 is ...Chinese year of the Cock. So what could possibly go wrong?
May 13, 2009
May 11, 2009
Swine flu update
Seven new swine flu cases in the UK have been confirmed, the Department of Health has said & the Bambibasher points out the first swine flu related celebrity death
Health officals say that they know who he got it from.....
Glossary of Irish Medical Terms
Found by AJDS
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog.
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Cheaper than day rates
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumour One plus one more.
Urine Opposite of you're out
May 1, 2009
April 29, 2009
Yet more swine flu fun...
Israel has confirmed its second case of swine flu
I have a tenner that says that rabbis all over Israel are currently saying told you so!
April 28, 2009
Free barbecues...
... to anyone that wants to collect one. You can get a free BBQ from any of the following stores:
· ASDA
· Morrison's
· Costco
· Kwik Save
· Somerfield
· Aldi
· Sainsbury
· Tesco
· Iceland
· Lidl
All BBQs come with a higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm! Please note that some stores may charge a £1 administration fee
& thanks is due to Tim for pointing out this amazing offer
April 27, 2009
April 21, 2009
Just because I
& Alan commends the Toronto Downtown outlet, "even though the food was terrible". Like anyone cares
April 16, 2009
We all need a bit of religious instruction from time to time....
This comes from Gweilicus & in its original form was written by a cousin on the left hand side of the pond. Your humble correspondent has Angliscised it a bit this evening but I feel sure that you lot can improve it further....
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".
And as a mark of His favour the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armour Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun.
Likewise giveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord giveth the Holy Hand Grenade (of Antioch? Ed)
For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: brews, egg banjos, smokos (pref B&H), & booze. Shun all other unclean food and drink."
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary." And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still until they were known as Armour, or CITs for short.
And the Lord looked down upon the Cavalry and saw that it was mediocre. The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." & to them the Lord said "Fish eggs shall be thy food, and Bolli thy drink. Touch not the sacred scoff of the Infantry."
And the Infantry, the Cavalry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying "Lord help us, for we are weary." And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like baseplates and breath like sulphur and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."
Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with HE, cluster munitions and, best of all, Willie Peter"
Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.
And the Infantry, the Cavalry, the Armour and Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Cloud Punchers; but quickly asked forgiveness.
And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying "Lord help us, for we are weary." Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps.
Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Royal Military Police. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics.
And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, "Lord, help us, for we are weary." And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid. And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth, Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signallers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
April 13, 2009
Your Sunday evening fact
From Reader Tom & I have no idea if this is true but I so so want it to be !
The US state that consumes the most online pornography is Utah
New Scientist (US Edition), 27 Feb 09
People who live in Utah report the highest levels of wellbeing in the US
NYT Economix, 10 Mar 09
April 9, 2009
April 8, 2009
& just in on the wires from Pretoria...
South African President Kgalema Motlanthe has apologized for the shoddy quality of the lies surrounding the banning of the Dalai Lama, but has vowed to produce better lies in future. "All the really great liars were purged with Mbeki," he explained. "The public needs to understand that it will take time to develop a new cadre of world-class liars."
According to the South African government the exiled Tibetan leader was refused an entry visa to the country because his presence would draw attention away from the 2010 World Cup.
Addressing the media this morning, President Motlanthe conceded that as lies went, the latest had been one of the feeblest offerings "for some years".
"Initially we were going to say that the Dalai Lama was being refused entry because he's carrying the SARS virus," explained Motlanthe.
"We faxed the prototype lie through to Beijing, to the Commissar for African Assimilation, or as I like to call him, 'Boss', but he called back in about twenty minutes to remind us that SARS doesn't exist and that no-one has ever contracted any virus of any kind in China."
Motlanthe said that the purging of Thabo Mbeki and his allies had decimated the ANC's cadre of highly skilled liars.
"We're only now realizing just how exceptional Mbeki's liars were," said Motlanthe. "They came up with some incredible lies: a better life for all; there's no link between HIV and Aids; the elections in Zimbabwe were free and fair; South Africa is winning the war on crime; the arms deal was clean.
"When you lose people like that it takes time to fill the hole they leave behind."
He said the ANC's current cadre of liars were "raw, untested, and not yet comfortable within an intellectual milieu".
Asked if that meant they were semi-retarded, Motlanthe said he did not wish to "bandy about unkind labels" but confirmed that many were more comfortable with exposing their buttocks and calling for the murder of political opponents than they were with sitting down and writing "long complicated sentences".
Meanwhile the Congress of the People has denied that it is made up largely of Mbeki's cadre of liars.
According to COPE spokesman Minime Mbeki, nobody in the new party has ever told a lie.
"Which is why we're going to win 845 percent of the vote," added Mbeki.
"And when we're in power we're going to end poverty by buying more submarines and we're going to cure Aids with potatoes. We promise. Really. Seriously."
April 7, 2009
A Traffic cop explaining the difference between ....
Cop pulls over a taxi.
Cop says: "Licence please."
Taxi driver says: "What for?"
Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence please."
Taxi driver: "What's the difference?"
Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence please!"
Taxi driver: "Heish .... if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the ticket, if not, you let me go and no ticket."
Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir."
The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the kak out of the taxi driver and says: "you want me to stop or just slow down?"
April 1, 2009
March 30, 2009
Proof, as if we needed it, that lawyers always shaft you
Following on from our little lovers conundrum of last week – we now have this...
A married barrister who had an affair with a client charged her £250 an hour, even while they were spending intimate time together, legal papers claim. Marc Beaumont, 46, had a "romantic and intimate love affair" with Anal Sheikh, 48, a solicitor, after she retained his services to represent her in at least three cases she was involved in. But he is alleged to have ended their affair and Miss Sheikh is now suing Mr Beaumont for £800,000, claiming amongst other things that he charged her not just for the time they were working, but also the personal time they spent together.
So let me see if I have got this right, Marc is being sued by Anal because he charged her for what?? This is yet another case that needs to be heard by 'Hanging' Judge Free Market’s Bloody Assizes for shear amusement value if nothing else!
March 29, 2009
March 27, 2009
Jokes: Italian jokes, Scouse jokes, Thai jokes. We have the lot
For your Friday morning delectation...
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?’
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW!' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they all yours?'
'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down, Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign on. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one - he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues, one by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker, 'I'm seeing a pattern here.'
'Are they all named Terri?'
Their mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry an’when it's time for dinner, I just yell, Terry an' they all come runnin', like. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell, Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry ..'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
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A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'why do you love doing that?’
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'
March 26, 2009
& your early morning reading is...
The whole story is here but now if you excuse me, ve sing ze old songs, ja?