Secret Service job applications
As I pointed out yesterday, if under the new regime you fancy life as secret squirrel, you are not really supposed to tell anyone that you had applied for a job. Frankly applying to be Head of the Mauritius Station on this blog is generally felt by those in that particular line of business to be not really secret enough. Therefore rather than simply provide a downloadable application form; our new clandestine service selection criteria will be a little more subtle. Think of it less of a normal interview process & more as Rowan Atkinson once described it, like a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat … that isn’t there.
It goes without saying that despite being an equal opportunities employer secretive types will be preferred; previous experience with raincoats & sunglasses would be an advantage but not essential. Applicants must be able to keep secrets but at the same time be able to lie like a cheap NAAFI watch if caught in the act (& in view of this requirement, preference will be shown to married men). The job specification will include being seduced by glamorous foreign operatives (seeking our state secrets). These advances must be occasionally spurned for the sake of appearances.
Results of all job applications will remain subject to the provisions of the Official Secrets Act until the new Government has actually discovered the identity of M.
A generous remuneration package is offered together with index linked pension - the details are however secret, so cannot be released until after applicants join the service.
Salaries will be paid into secret bank accounts at secret intervals in unspecified countries under assumed names from a secret slush fund, that the Government does not know exists Successful applicants are expected to find out for themselves where and when, and how much they will earn.
As a preliminary test, applicants are invited to help solve the coded text of a postcard received from the as yet unidentified M and inform the appropriate Minister (who cannot be named) of his real identity and whereabouts at this time. Postcard displays voluptuous thong clad blonde sitting on the beach (obviously intended to mislead). The text on back reads Putting the slush fund to good use finding suitable candidates for under-covers activities, glad you're not here, cheers, M & is postmarked Antigua
Similar cards have been received from Rio, Monaco, Tonga, Gold Coast, & Thailand. The text is obviously a code for some important information, but the code is secret & the code books, whose existence is secret, are hidden in a secret place. The Government will be highly grateful if anyone can shed light on this matter, solve the code and let us know just what M is doing.
Unfortunately we cannot give a PO box number to which applicants can write, as this is secret, & we're not really sure which number it is ourselves, or who is handling the applications. Under no circumstances must the contents of this post be made public by applicants. Please also keep your application secret by writing in an unidentified code & not mentioning which job you are not applying for & why not.
We cannot reply to ridiculous questions such as did I get in or not?, who is that chap in the raincoat standing outside my house all day? or why did you accept me when I didn't even apply in the first place? We have only one response to all such questions ... not telling.
Footnote: This post has been digitally remastered from something that I posted in 2004 that in turn started life on the Rhodesian Government in Exile website
Comments
In days of sail, when the cook pepared meat, it was boiled in a huge cauldron (frying was felt to be unhealthy). The fat that floated to the top - known as "slush" - was skimmed off and the cook, by ancient tradition, was allowed to sell it to the boatswain to lubricate the rigging and to other sailors to flavor their food. He was then free to do with this "slush fund" as he saw fit.
Col Beausaber
(Whose father and his father's two brothers were sailors in the Pacific during WWII aboard, respectively, the Aircraft Carrier San Jacinto, Landing Ship Dock Belle Grove and Fleet Tug Abenaki)
Posted by: beausaber | November 19, 2009 10:20 AM