Pornmaster General for me then!

Head of the Quality Control Bureau for Alcoholic beverages. I'll need a driver to get me around the various distillaries. When not busy supping the good stuff, I can test drive British cars, I quite like the Aston Martin machines :D

"Col. Beausaber blagged himself the post of Chief Inspector of Brothels."

Thank you, kind sir. I shall endeavor to be worthy of the trust that HMG has placed in me.

Col Beausaber

Lord Secretary of State for Gastronomic Affairs, reporting in!

I bags the post of Her Majesty's Chief Inspector of Strip Clubs, Burlesque Theatres and Other Reviews for Discerning Gentlemen. If, however, the Colonel or Mr C feel that this falls within their remits then I'll happily head up the department charged with sourcing maidens (dusky or otherwise), Politburo, for the entertainment of.

Fellow members of the cabinet can rest assured that I would bring great experience to this post thus enabling me to choose only the best hand maidens to serve them.

I needn't my own department.. I'd be content with working for Rhys as Deputy Ale Inspector, Local Division.

Larry in Rochester

Chief of Women's Prisons for me...

I humbly request that I be considered for the post of Inquisitor-General in charge of parliamentary discipline.
I'll supply the "interestingly shaped" irons & the portable furnace, just keep me supplied with propane cylinders.....
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I am a nice person really, or at least that's what the nurses keep telling me.......

Might I be so bold as to apply for post as Chief Executioner? After The Glorious Day has passed I'm sure there will still be some sport to be had around the countryside.

Well unless Remittance Man needs an assistant, could I perhaps head up a programme for firearms deregulation? Failing that I'll hang on for a place in the secret service...

I'll take First Lord of the Admiralty, reintroduce the dictum of "Jackie" Fisher. "Ruthless, Relentless and Remorseless". A good start would be a repeat of the anti-piracy patrols of the 19th Century. Pirates caught will be guaranteed a fair trial and a suspended sentence - from the handiest Yardarm.
A building programme based on the principle that the Royal Navy only travels first class. The most seaworthy and best armed warships we can build.

I would like to be in charge of firearms and licencing I have to say I will be making some sweeping changes.

I will have put in quite a lot of testing to decide which rifles pistols and shotguns are suitable.

Ghost

I know I'm not a Brit, but I claim the "Hain Exemption", and I promise to be a better minister than he is. (I know, a low bar to be sure, but still...)

I want the post of Information Minister. I will operate on the Cowperthwaite Principle: that if you give the government data, they'll just use it to regulate you and make your life miserable. So I will eliminate HUGE swathes of data which is none of the government's goddamn business to know.

My first job will be to delete off the government's criminal databases each and every single piece of information pertaining to people not actually convicted of any felony in a court of law. That would include fingerprints, DNA, names and addresses and anything else I can think of.

Then I'll delete the entire firearms registry -- lock stock and barrel, as it were -- because no government has any damn business registering gun owners.

After that, I'll reduce the budget for storage devices on every CCTV cam in Britain. *Take away the storage, and teh cameras become useless very quickly.) By the time I'm finished, there'll only be about a hundred cams left in the U.K., and most of those will be in places which actually need CCTV monitoring -- airports, mosques, etc.

Then I'll just ask the advice of Mr. FM and his gentle readers on the next thing to be deleted, and so on.

My slogan: "95% less data in government hands!"

If that figure of 95% is too low, I will be open to suggestions.

In fact, if you want to see the general tone of my ministership, see here as a server is decommissioned.

I want to lead the RAF's Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight. Of course with the way the present government is making cuts, they will be the ONLY combat aircraft remaining in the RAF. I wonder how the Fairey Swordfish will handle the ski jump on the carrier. One carrier, one plane, kind of economical.

Minister of Macadam
Responsabilities : Ensuring that certain less than friendly countries / dictatorships / dominions / ex-colonies etc are carefully tarmaced over, as and when required by the most excellent cabinet that has been formed above.

Because this would not be a full time position, I would like to apply also to be minister for sunshine and clement weather. For the right bung, we guarantee your barbeque will be a success (providing Minister Rhys has done his job)

Inspector of red grouse populations, with libations afterward. These are paid positions, right??

As an ex pongo who got fed up seeing the RAF swanning around, I would like the role of Air Vice Marshall.

Upon appointment I will swap all the slop jockeys from the Army into the RAF and visa versa. All pilots will be required to grow impressive mustaches and adopt "proper" nicknames like Ginger and Algy. They will also be expected to work the weekends and learn to live in the field again.

As Minister of Uniforms, can I humbly submit that you make all 3 services wear the proper uniforms. i.e Army DPM/Khaki Navy-Dark Blue RAF-Sky Blue

I'm fed up seeing Matelots and Crabs walking around in DPM looking like a bag of shite, also ban the RAF golf jacket they wear in barrack dress (or whatever they call it)

Also bring back all the County Regt's including the various flavours of porridge wogs!

Ahhh, in that case, I'll just do bogg-all, collect a fat cheque and follow up on leads from both the Head of QC of AB and the Chief Inspector of Brothels... Help out in the dungeons a little bit.
Title is of lesser importance. But only off course after a visit to the Ministry of Uniforms... I'll have something from the Great North-african desert dwelling, tent-habitating dictator fashion line, please... (and don't be cheap on the medals, will you....?)

Also, you might consider importing a Good Southern'r to be Director of Barbeque. The 'near crime against gastronominy that is the "mixed grill" needs must be adressed!

How is it one might get 5 types of curry, but not ONE decent bowl of chili in so cosmopolitan a city a Lundinium?

:)

Larry in Rochester
Deputy (Acting) Ale Inspector
Local Division

I would humbly request the post of Minister for Leave Me The Fcuk Alone!

Excellent. I shall have the Benign Dictator job, please: it is my very laziness that would keep me benign...

DK

P.S. Did I not appoint you to a position in my speculative Benign Dictatorship, many years ago...?

Minister of Northern affairs...lots of work to be done rooting out doleite socialists and introducing our muslim brothers to the world of work and car insurance.

I apply for the position of Lord Turntable. As such I will turn the tables on every wrongheaded policy perpetrated by those now blessedly terminated (with or without extreme prejudice.) For example:

All those countries that were allowed to send us their jihadis and "asylum seekers" will now get them back with interest earned in the form of our football hooligans, all suitably armed according to the new firearms policy - the latter to be delivered to them upon their arrival in their former/new domiciles. One way shitbucket transportation provided together with revocation of citizenship/visas upon being rounded up.

Any politicians left over from the recent purges ... erm festivities, to be given regular rubbish bin inspection duties pursuant to recent local council policies. Inspection to consist of complete unpacking, catalogueing of contents and TIDY repacking of said bins. Any bin overflow after repacking to be taken away by said politicians in their pockets and deposited in their constituent political surgeries, from which they may only be removed after further ripening for a period to be arbitrarily determined by a poll of residents of a remote, non-adjacent constituency.

All officials of any stripe who have banned the Union and/or English flag for fear of "offending" to be required to wear clothing made of the flags of any suitably degenerate movement or country, such as Hamas, Hezballah, North Korea, the European Union. They will be excused this requirement if they publicly burn any such flag in its representative country. If they elect not to take advantage of the aforementioned generous concession, the aforementioned flag-tailored clothes may not laundered, dry cleaned or de-odorized ... ever, and must be worn in public on all occasions.

As Lord Turntable I promise to hold regular town meetings (in the local public house of course) at which citizens will be invited to identify suitable perversities of the erstwhile, allegedly-governing classes on which the tables my be turned. The maker of the best suggestion for Table Turning at each meeting will have the privilege of implementing said suggestion - costs to be borne by the object(s) of said Table Turning.

Without checking through the many postings this subject has generated, I don't know if you yet have a 'Minister for Retribution'. Now, I would be happy to take a junior position beneath someone more qualified/experienced than I, if with my trusty (cheap but effective) semi-auto and plenty of large load No3s and of course the old rusty bread-knife, be let loose on the numpties who have stuck 15P on my favourite can of strong stuff, cos it is strong stuff...aaagh

"the Royal Navy only travels first class"

From someone who should know, he held the position of First Lord twice - one Winston Spencer Churchill

Col Beausaber (salutung)

Minister of Northern affairs...first job...teaching our Muslim friends in Bradford etc that car tax and insurance applies to all,even allah.

Bruce,

Technically I don't need an assistant - I'm sure I'm quite capable of watching all those burlesque reviews and selecting many hand maidens all on my own. That being said the company of likeminded chums in the workplace is always a pleasure. Consider yourself provisionally hired* as Deputy Minister of Procuring and Pandering.

*Always assuming His Excellencey The Honourable Minister for Uniforms approves my own appointment.

Most kind sir! As Ghostrifle has kindly taken on the mantle of firearms and licencing, my own deregulation work in that field should involve little more than a few strokes of the quill - freeing up more than enough hours to lend moral support to your stirling work.

I don't require much.
My dear mother is from Coventry so if you would be so generous as to give me the position of "Lord Mayor of Coventry (and Binley) without the "Lord" part, I'd be very grateful.
Of course this position should have all the authority it needs to round up the chavs for delivery to the work camps.

Dear Sir,

I would most humbly apply for the position of road traffic offence enforcer. I am not too bothered by drunk drivers or speeders but I would like to be in a position to enforce arbitrary justice on those who in my opinion drive in a way to piss me off. I will enforce a strict penalty of testicles being groung between two breeze blocks as a starting punishment. TO save money I am happy to travel with your minister of brothel inspectors who I suspect will have to cover alrge distances. I will enforce the strongest penalties on those who drive in tricked out vauxhall novas with the stunning diesel spill paintwork job. Right I'm off to drink another couple of bottles of wine.