Apparently Vapid has kicked out the clinically brain dead tattooed one after he slept with their nanny who has revealed that she is having therapy because the telephoto lenses of the paparazzo’s cameras make her ankles look fat but in between giving salacious interviews to Red Top gossip columnists has found time to have a fling with ex-boyfriend Gary Wrong who was awarded Chav of the Year at a glittering awards ceremony where Dimwit, showing off her fabulous new Fred West outfit ended up having a lesbian snog with even Stupider despite being six months pregnant

Its breakfast time at Free Market Towers – freshly shot deers kidneys pan fried in real full fat butter washed down to with my usual Joy through Strength blend coffee & a couple of comeback bracers to flush away the worst ravages of hangover. Having got blood alcohol levels back up to a sensible cruising speed it is time for your humble correspondent to turn his attention to the really important business of the early morning – forget matters of global importance, the financial crisis or whether the nutters in Tehran are in fact going to nuke us to billy-o , it’s celebraty news that we really crave & like Mummy Cormorant, the MSM gleefully regurgitates it. Copiously.