Householders could be fined £1,000 if they throw food scraps and potato peelings into the dustbin under a Government 'zero waste' policy. They will be forced to sift through their rubbish for anything that can be recycled, reused, rotted or burnt for electricity. The crackdown will create so much recyclable material that homes could be given five wheelie bins and waste boxes to cope.

The controversial zero waste policy - part of the Government's drive to cut greenhouse gas emissions - will be unveiled tomorrow by Environment Minister Hilary Benn.

The only question in my mind is will the £1,000 fine still apply if I fail to properly recycle the freshly dismembered body parts of officious government ministers, pernicious local council members & the environmental einsatzgruppen?

Slaughter every last one of them without hesitation or remorse