OK, so it is Wimbledon at the moment which is sadly another great summer tradition that we no longer attend because it is now overrun with corporate sponsorship & the chavistas. Therefore I resign myself to watching a few matches from the comfort of the sofa of sloth & even then, I feel my interest start to wane a couple of nano-seconds after Maria Sharapova was knocked out.

At least this morning, the Daily Mash brought us heartening news from South West London

The All-England Tennis Club has scrapped its traditional rules in a bid to preserve centre court for pretty Russian girls with pert buttocks, instead of the ox-like munters who win most of the time. In the new version of tennis, sylph-like maidens will have a playful knockabout for an hour or so and make soft moaning noises when striking the ball.

Between sets they will rub oil into each others thighs and at the end of the match will congratulate each other with a wet, lingering, tongue-filled kiss. The umpire will be replaced by a 1970s comedy smut actor such as Robin Askwith, who will abandon the traditional scoring and instead say 'cor blimey' every time a player bends over to touch some balls.

A spokesman said: "Basing women's tennis on skill and points has allowed it to become overrun with lesbians. And by lesbians I mean the snorting, big-armed sort that like KD Lang, not the excellent ones you get in pornography." He added: "Some of them are competent sportspersons, but shouldn't they really be in the TA or delivering furniture?"