The Final Cut?
The irony that this article was sent to me by reader EX-STAB. Happily he is so named not because he has a reputation for gettin’ jiggy wiv a blade, a Lee Enfield topped off with some cold British steel is more his style, but he has many years service as a member of the Territorial Army. The regular Army have been known to refer to the TA disparagingly as STABs which is an acronym for Stupid TA Ba*stard, hence his nickname.
Now while we are on this topic & purely in the interests of editorial balance it is worth pointing out that that the STABs refer to their regular colleagues as ARABS; Arrogant Regular Army Ba*stards. However let’s not dwell upon fantasies of plunging sword bayonets into the chest cavities of expenses fiddling MPs & take as our breakfast digestif, Nanny’s latest idea...
The first "anti-stab" knife will soon go on sale in Britain and has been designed to work as normal in the kitchen, but be ineffective as a weapon. The knife has a unique "combination tip" that reduces the risk of injury. The tip has a rounded edge instead of a point and the blade for cutting is underneath. While it can chop vegetables, the tip makes penetration more difficult. It also snags on clothing and skin, making it very unlikely to inflict a fatal wound.
In response to this utter nonsense & having seen an emerging gap in the market, the Free Market Corporation is this morning proud to announce its new range of street brawl blades & its flagship model, The Slasher
Targeted directly at underage urban yoffs that have been recently dissed, it is guaranteed to deliver not only complete customer satisfaction & but also fatal puncture wounds.
Next week Nanny will introducing ladders you can’t climb, roads you are unable to cross & hypoallergenic cotton wool but fear not dear readers, as I type this FM Corporation scientists are working through the night to develop the sort of products that you the customer not only demand, but have a right to
Comments
This is just stupid. But I can see how the thought process went.
'Minister, more and more people are being stabbed.'
'Hmmm, lets create a knife that won't stab.'
'Genius'.
Next year we'll hear
'Minister, stabbings are down, but people are now getting their throats slit'.
'Hmm, lets create a knife that won't slice.'
If a kid wants to stab someone, he'll resort to a sharp bit of wood if that's all that's available. No point changing the knife.
Posted by: CJA | June 17, 2009 8:00 AM
A slash, delivered in the right place, can kill. The Neds will soon learn where.
For a long time, our Scots savages used to deliver the "Telephone Call" slash, say from the ear to the chin. About once a month I see a victim walking the streets. Long time since I saw one under 30, but no doubt the fashion will return.
Posted by: Jeff Wood | June 17, 2009 12:21 PM
Got to be good news for grinder salesmen.
Personally I think the answer is to make all kitchen knives out of rubber. Then each home has to have a flask of liquid nitrogen to keep the rubber knives in thus keeping them ridig, sharp and useful. However, when Johnny Chav tucks one into his trousers and heads off for a bit of argy-bargy not only does he get frostbite in his testicles (rendering him unable to reproduce), but the knife reverts to it's pliable and harmless state. Am I a genius or what? On second thoughts don't answer that...
Posted by: Bruce | June 17, 2009 2:05 PM
Apart from the obvious fail of this "invention" (anyone with a file can resharpen them in under 15 minutes), the more persistant chav will have a mini halberd. That's right, stab and twist for maximum damage!
Posted by: Brazilski | June 17, 2009 2:22 PM
While prisons in the US are not known for being well run they do do periodic shake downs and searches for improvised weapons. They always find prisoner made knives of one kind or another.
One technique from Asia that would work with the Nanny knife as is the trap and carve. An Indonesian would take long strips of flesh off you in real short time and you'd bleed out long before you got to a hospital.
Posted by: toad | June 17, 2009 3:01 PM
Sigh. I'd point and laugh, but on our side, the Obama Administration is about to make 90% or more of pocket knives illegal. This includes multi tools. Where will I be without my ever-present Applegate folder in my pocket? I'll have to open letters and packages like a heathen savage, I tell you!
Posted by: Larry Anderson | June 17, 2009 3:03 PM
A 'pointless' publicity stunt - the excellent Japanese 'Global'kitchen knives have rounded ends, making them all but useless for Scotlands no 2 leisure pursuit..unless it's for a slashing rather than stabbing mudder I guess.
Posted by: Ed | June 17, 2009 8:05 PM
Not only am I wondering how much was spent developing this, but I really can't wait to see the Government funded TV ads telling the low life that they should invest their dole cheques in one of these instead of the pointy type.
One things for certain - Anthony Worral Thompson will endorse it!
Posted by: MovingRight | June 17, 2009 10:26 PM
Extended discussion of the ludicrous knife that a Briton has the dishonor of inventing:
http://www.amnation.com/vfr/archives/013445.html
Posted by: Bill | June 18, 2009 6:06 PM
Soon the only thing legal will be plastic sporks.
Posted by: Bomber Harris | June 19, 2009 12:26 AM
"Soon the only thing legal will be plastic sporks."
Yes, but what if you stick it in someone's eye? Sounds like a strong argument for a National Spoon Register - provided you can show good reason for wanting a spork and have no history of anything ever I'm sure they'll let you have one.
Posted by: Bruce | June 19, 2009 10:45 AM
Considerably, the post is in reality the best on this laudable topic. I fit in with your conclusions and will eagerly look forward to your incoming updates. Saying thanks will not just be adequate, for the tremendous clarity in your writing. I will at once grab your rss feed to stay privy of any updates. Pleasant work and much success in your business efforts!
Posted by: Cummins | December 11, 2009 3:33 PM