We all need a bit of religious instruction from time to time....
This comes from Gweilicus & in its original form was written by a cousin on the left hand side of the pond. Your humble correspondent has Angliscised it a bit this evening but I feel sure that you lot can improve it further....
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and the Infantry. And God looked upon the Infantry, saw that it was good, and said unto them "Thou art my chosen children. Take thou dominion over the Earth; over the fish of the Sea, the birds of the Air, and all of the Key Terrain".
And as a mark of His favour the Lord placed in the hands of the Infantry the sacred relics: the Apostolic Anti-Armour Weapon, the Catholic Claymore, and the Marian Machine Gun.
Likewise giveth the Lord unto the Infantry the Rucksack of Repentance, the Radio of Redemption, the Rifle of Rectitude. Lastly, unto the Infantry, and most divine of all, the Lord giveth the Holy Hand Grenade (of Antioch? Ed)
For the Infantry's sustenance the Lord declared "Four shall be thy food groups: brews, egg banjos, smokos (pref B&H), & booze. Shun all other unclean food and drink."
And the Infantry dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed, and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying "Lord, help us, for we are weary." And God smiled upon the Infantry, for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the fattest and laziest of the Infantry and set them upon beasts of burden. And these He called Cavalry became fatter, lazier and heavier still until they were known as Armour, or CITs for short.
And the Lord looked down upon the Cavalry and saw that it was mediocre. The Lord then said "Oh, well. Thou canst not win them all. Let them lead in case of landmines." & to them the Lord said "Fish eggs shall be thy food, and Bolli thy drink. Touch not the sacred scoff of the Infantry."
And the Infantry, the Cavalry and the Armour dwelt in the land therein.
And time passed and the Infantry cried out again unto their Lord saying "Lord help us, for we are weary." And God smiled again upon the Infantry, for they were his chosen. Then God took those of the Armour with butts like baseplates and breath like sulphur and these He made Artillery. But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out."
Unto the Artillery He said "The big guns shall atone in part for thy diminutive other stature. Tryest thou not to hurt thyselves." To the Infantry the Lord said "When the night is darkest these shall light the way...more or less. When the approach is most open these shall, occasionally - with luck, confound the enemy's sight. When thou callest for fire support these shall - eventually - provide it with HE, cluster munitions and, best of all, Willie Peter"
Though the Lord cautioned the Infantry to never, never, never trust Tacfire or any other electronic computer in the hands of the Artillery.
And the Infantry, the Cavalry, the Armour and Artillery dwelt in the land therein. Then the Artillery created the Cloud Punchers; but quickly asked forgiveness.
And time passed and the Infantry called out yet again unto their God, saying "Lord help us, for we are weary." Again the Lord looked with favour upon the Infantry. He took those of the Armour, Artillery who most liked to play in the mud and these he made Combat Engineers, and those who dwelt in darkness and spoke in riddles and these he made Military Intelligence, and those with thieving hearts and these He made Quartermasters, and of those who neither sowed nor reaped and were most fond of hammering square pegs into round holes He made Adjutants General. Of those who liked to tinker with good equipment until it broke He made the Ordnance Corps.
Of those whose penchant was poison He made Cooks. Of those who ran around in circles He made the Royal Military Police. Of the least articulate He made Signallers. Of those who dealt in controlled substances He made the Medics.
And the Infantry, and the others, dwelt in the land therein.
Time passed, but yet, again, the Infantry cried out unto their God, saying, "Lord, help us, for we are weary." And the Heavens darkened, and the clouds gathered. The lightnings spake and the Infantry abased themselves before their God, for they were sore afraid. And the Lord spoke with anger, asking "How canst thou yet be weary? Have I not made the Armour and the Artillery to support thee? Have I not made of the detritus of the Earth, Quartermasters and Adjutants and Signallers and Transporters and a host of others to assist thee? Verily, have I not even made Military Intelligence, although it were a contradiction in terms?"
Humbly the Infantry abased themselves again before their God, crying, "Lord, it is of these that we are weary."
Comments
'But God saw that the Artillery, too, was mediocre and said unto Himself, "Oh well, garbage in; garbage out." '
Oi!! You will pay for that, after all as any fule know:
God is a Gunner!
You got one part right though:
"Then the Artillery created the Cloud Punchers; but quickly asked forgiveness."
Posted by: Gremlin | April 15, 2009 11:50 PM
And then God took the most accurate, efficient, and amphibian of the Infantry and created Marines. And he endowed them with the powers of spitting death and pissing napalm. And thus he spake, "Thy task is simple: To be a weapon, a minister of death praying for war. Also, save the Army from themselves from time to time."
"God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see."
-R. Lee Ermey
Posted by: LCpl Dan | April 16, 2009 3:47 AM
From the other side of the pond, I have to ask: What is a Cloud Puncher?
Posted by: Joseph | April 16, 2009 5:42 AM
Hah, the "poor bloody infantry" moaning again.
/Off to hide in the ammo bunker
Posted by: nbc | April 16, 2009 11:12 AM
Joseph the clue is in the name!
Posted by: TimC | April 16, 2009 1:34 PM
As a former dust-monkey myself, I can only concur with this passage.
Posted by: Kim du Toit | April 16, 2009 2:37 PM
Joseph, by way of explanation there are two sorts of “drop shorts”: “steam gunners” – traditional artillery & “cloud punchers” – anti aircraft artillery
I hope that clears it up
Posted by: Mr Free Market | April 16, 2009 5:19 PM
Domine, Libra Nos!
"They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give themselves to me. Like clay I shall mould them and in the furnace of war forge them. (...) and they shall know no fear."
Posted by: Brazilski | April 16, 2009 10:20 PM
Mr. FM-
Ah, now I am illuminated! Thank you.
Posted by: Joseph | April 17, 2009 3:19 AM
A photograph of a Gunner Padre and Gunners in greatcoats in the background. It proves you need Gunners to bring dignity to what would otherwise be a bloody mess!
Posted by: Bambiski | April 17, 2009 8:48 AM
Bambiski,
Surely that is the task of the cavalry.
Posted by: The Remittance Man | April 17, 2009 4:03 PM
And time passed and the Infantry cried out unto their God saying “ Lord help us, for we are weary and have not had our weekly ration of sex. And God smiled upon the Infantry for they were blessed. Then the Lord took the trans sexuals transgender and the ones with man boobs and big bums and put them in skirts. These he called the WRAC.
And the Lord looked down upon the WRAC and saw that it was ugly, save for the transsexuals with long legs. The Lord then said “Oh well. Thou canst not win them all. Let there be much drinking and the donning of special beer goggles and then you will have your Weekly Ration of Army C*?t”.
Posted by: captain cobra | April 17, 2009 6:59 PM
Cloud Puncher?
Air Force.
Posted by: Cricket | April 19, 2009 4:22 PM