I am currently having a bonus dilemma have been granted a raft of share options yesterday
This just about sums it up...
Aside from that, reader Alan got this memo yesterday...
Dear Staff Member
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers)...
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouses).or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of the supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Have a good day
Managing Director
The funny thing is that on Monday, I got a memo that wasn't a million miles away for that.
Comments
Can you swap your shares for shares in Famous Grouse or other Scottish institutions?
Posted by: Rhys | February 27, 2009 7:31 AM
Surely if you believe in your abilities there is no dilemma at all.... or are you suffering from envy at Fred-the-shred's "one way bet" - tell the board you're great and get lots of money - and when you get found out for fibbing about well you've done, you get even more!
Bankers must be the only group of people who are even better at trousering unearned expenses and bonuses than politicians!
Posted by: Nick | February 27, 2009 8:25 AM
During one busts a couple of fellows made money by using worthless stock and bond certificates for wall paper. The paper was acid free and decorative with all the fancy work on them. They actually made some money with them. You might barter them as goat fodder. Could be worth more than actual Pound and Dollar bills before this all shakes out.
Posted by: toad | February 27, 2009 11:44 AM
Why not just get Fred's money back from the bank's erstwhile directors and compensation committee? After all, THEY approved his pension package.
As for your quandary... at best, you'll make out like a bandit when the economy turns around (and it will, eventually) or the share certificates will make for some unique wallpaper in the loo at FMT.
Just an optimist, I am.
Posted by: Kim du Toit | February 28, 2009 5:44 PM