Of Disappointment, Large Hadron Colliders & Ed Balls
Am I just wondering if I am alone in my disappointment that the World didn’t end last week? I mean there were no end of scientists (whose academic credentials are only matched by the thickness of their glasses) claiming that when the switch in Switzerland got flicked, we were all going to be consumed by anti-matter. & there was me worrying that may be it wasn’t just the World that was as risk: could this device cause a chain reaction that might cause the entire Universe to collapse upon itself as all of its thermal & mechanical functions failed …surely that would render all human endeavour rather pointless. So I stayed in bed this weekend.
However the World didn’t end, baby polar bears keep drowning, we all have to go back to work this morning & the Swiss can go back to making cuckoo clocks or whatever it is they do when they are not calculating the current open market value of all the Nazi bullion they are still hoarding.
So in the absence of the arrival of the Four Horsemen, it looks like your humble correspondent will have to go back to working out how the hell he is ever going to pay off his credit cards & the doom mongering scientists can go back to issuing dire warnings about melting ice caps while trying to fit just one more biro into their lab coats top pocket.
Ho hum!
Of course dear readers, I don’t actually want some over blown Heath Robinson device to cause the Laws of Physics to be reversed but lets be honest here, we could all have had a jolly good laugh if say just a tiny amount of dark matter had been produced: just enough to consume France & of course Brussels. In fact in that instance I’d have been straight down to the my local Large Hadron Collider franchise asking if I could have one too & given the financial malaise that grips the global capital markets, how much dealer discount they are currently offering.
Now while we are on the subject of disappointment, the other disappointments last week includes the fact that HM Government continues to show just how much it despises us stout bulldogs & is now considering buying new ultra long range speed cameras although in combustion tests, whilst they might be able to photograph you breaking the speed limit by 2 mph at a distance of 125 miles, they burn just as well as the current crop of Gatsos.
In fact going out & putting half a dozen or so of these digital piggy banks to the torch before retiring to your local for a tummy full of finest foaming & a spot of badger baiting in the car park after closing time is just about the most fun that you have in the absence of being given a mandate to lynch that smug little git Ed Balls on primetime TV.
Now there are some out there that maintain that the sight of Balls-Up doing the lamppost tango is a far better fate the he deserves & that’s a reasonable point. Whilst in the past I have advocated a wide ranging cull of the legal profession, just about every inhabitant of the Westminster Village, MEPs, Guardian readers & anyone that worships at the high altar of global warming, the projected viewing figures of Ed Balls enduring a painful death with gratuitous use of extreme close ups shots from the ‘Claw Hammer Cam’ make for a compelling commercial argument, aside from the fact that such a piece of reality TV would receive critical acclaim.
If fact, were I not currently in Hong Kong & might well be minded to track down the Right Honorable Member for Normanton & engineer his demise. Recent polling suggests that an overwhelming majority of the UK’s population would like to see this piece of prime pondlife with one of Mr Stanley’s most excellent products hanging out of the back of his cranium. Who am I to disagree?
Sadly I can't because I am here & he is there, so instead I’d better go to the office now, man made black holes allowing.
Comments
No World's End, but, according to 'Scientists', lots of harmless tiny black holes created.
Mate of mine thinks this is good idea: if we were all allocated a tiny black hole we could stuff all our rubbish in it.
I reckon it would probably be taxed anyway.
Posted by: TonyV | September 15, 2008 1:54 PM
Temporary malfunction - world will end next week...
Posted by: JB | September 15, 2008 8:20 PM
Yup, they haven't really started doing anything with it yet. Next month maybe they'll crank it up
Posted by: Lurch | September 16, 2008 10:15 PM
We've had self generating black holes for several thousand years now, AKA: government.
At any rate, the world can't end until the year 2012, when the Mayan Calendar runs out. At least, that is what all the cranks on the radio keep saying.
Posted by: Bob | September 19, 2008 12:36 PM