I'd like to start by reflecting on my last ten years as Prime Minister. In this time I have seen my government destroy the private pensions of thousands of people, persecute innocent people in the name of Human Rights, allowed all and sundry to enter your homes under any pretense.

I also failed to fulfill my pledge to be open and transparent, watched as Civil Servants took the rap for Ministerial failures, lost control of our borders, handed our executive powers to the EU, invaded several foreign countries, allowed the public sector to grow to nearly one quarter of the working population (well it did reduce the number of unemployable).

I managed, with the assistance of your future Prime Minister, to even further reduce your disposable income to its lowest level since 1981, squandered billions on the NHS without improving it, created a paper chase for our police to keep them off the streets, raised over 600 additional taxes, promoted Margaret Beckett after she failed to destroy the British farming industry, removed ancient freedoms, & had the most useless, self-absorbed Deputy in the history of our Democracy.

I'm sure it therefore comes as no surprise to you that I have this day offered Her Majesty my resignation from the post of Prime Minister. When she stopped dancing a little jig and singing "Things can only get Better", she graciously accepted

As a final act, before I am transfigured, I wish to appoint my trusty Deputy, John Prescott to the House of Lords; he will be known as Lord Prescott the Useless and have my Party's Sleaze Portfolio in the Upper House.