First, shoot your cormorant …
I count cooking as one of my little things. Not however in some bastardised nu- cuisine medallions of very little, covered in a Yak smegma jus. Nope, I like my meat; the more & the bloodier the better. As for all of these TV chefs that always start their 30 minutes of banality with “first wash your hands” …. well bollocks to that – first, pull a cork & please dear readers believe you me when I say that I have never knowingly put red wine into anything other than my gullet
This morning, as we toil under the weight of Larry lightweight Mediterranean cookery (just add olive oil) I am pleased to be able to report that once again Willie Fowler’s culinary masterpiece, Countryman’s Cooking, has been republished after 41 years.
Willie, also known as Pilot Officer William Menzies Weekes Fowler (deceased), of Durham School, Bomber Command, Stalag Luft 3 and Eskdale, Cumbria, truly epitomizes all that is proper, good & righteous about really stout bulldog cookery – well, what would you expect from a man whose interest in food began when he was shot down over Münster in 1941. He was a PoW in Stalag Luft 3, where he stewed the commandant’s cat with a black-market onion.
So this morning, I leave you dear readers with all that you ever needed to know about how the roast a cormorant…
I must give you the classic recipe for the preparation & cooking of a cormorant. Having shot your cormorant, hold it well away from you as you carry it home; these birds are exceedingly verminous & lice are said to be not entirely host-specific. Hang up by the feet with a piece of wire, soak in petrol & set on fire. This treatment both removes most of the feathers and kills the lice.
When the smoke has cleared away, take the cormorant down & cut off its beak…. bury the carcass preferablely in light sandy soil & leave it there for a fortnight. This is said to improve the flavour by, in part at least, removing the taste of rotting fish. Dig up & skin the bird. Place in a strong salt & water solution & soak for 48 hours. Remove, dry, stuff with whole unpeeled onions: the onion skins are supposed to bleach the meat to a small extent so that it is very dark brown as opposed to entirely black.
Simmer gently in seawater, to which two tablespoons of chloride of lime has been added, for a further 6 hours. This has a further tenderising effect. Take out of the water & allow to dry, meanwhile mixing up a stiff paste of methylated spirit & curry powder. Spread this mixture liberally over the breast of the bird. Finally, roast in a very hot oven for 3 hours. The result is unbelievable. Throw it away. Not even a starving vulture would eat it.
Comments
Boom! I was wondering if there was a microwaveable alternative until the punchline hit me! Fabulous.
Posted by: Mark Holland | November 16, 2006 11:23 AM
Trying to get the wife to order mine for christmas!
I like the quote about your pastry chef and not kissing her till she's finished the pie!
Posted by: Tim C | November 16, 2006 11:30 AM
Tim ... the details to order the book are:
Countryman’s Cooking, by W.M.W. Fowler, published by Excellent Press, 9 Lower Raven Lane, Ludlow, Shropshire, SY8 1BW. Tel: 01584 877803
Available from Times BooksFirst at £15.25, free p&p: Call 0870 1608080
Posted by: Mr Free Market | November 16, 2006 11:37 AM
on a slightly different note may I also recommend 'Kenzie. Wild Goose Man' by Colin Willock. Probably one of the best Shooting books ever written
Posted by: Theo Spark | November 16, 2006 12:50 PM
Brilliant punch line, reminds me of slow cooking a shaggy dogs tail...best regards from Kabul and keep olde Enlgand alive.
Posted by: Andy | November 16, 2006 3:22 PM
Reminds me of a standard cooking instruction from my student days:
"Bring to the boil and hurl down sink"
Heh.
Posted by: andrew duffin | November 16, 2006 4:44 PM
The author's photogaraph looks rather as if he could be the Remittance Man's father or uncle.
Posted by: MP | November 16, 2006 6:23 PM
Actually, I thought it was RM !!
Posted by: Mr Free Market | November 16, 2006 7:12 PM
I was very glad to get to the punchline...as the horror was slowly creeping up on me.
Posted by: bjbarron | November 17, 2006 12:57 AM
He looks a bit of a bounder to this old dog. A man who would steal and cook a domestic pet cannot be a gentleman.
Posted by: The Laughing Cavalier | November 17, 2006 9:37 AM
That recipe also works well with solicitors if you can't find a cormorant.
Posted by: Misty | November 17, 2006 10:26 AM
Thanks for the address and tel no's I was hoping for a link as I am terribly lazy nowadays!
Posted by: Tim Castle | November 17, 2006 4:13 PM
Found it, ordered it, must look surprised at Christmas!
I know I'll look pleased!
Posted by: Tim Castle | November 17, 2006 4:19 PM
Reminds me of a state of Maine recipe for Black Duck by Kenneth Roberts (Kenneth who?) which begins "The cooking of Black Duck can be challenging since they are so hard to kill..." It goes through several salt baths and par boilings and then is set atop a common red brick to cook in a pot. After several more boilings and dousings, the typical onion, celery, carrots and potatoes are added, all is simmered, and a gravy thickened. Then you throw away the duck, and eat the brick.
Posted by: lenf | November 17, 2006 6:31 PM
Also reminiscent of the recipe for "Carp on a Shingle" in which the fish is beheaded, scaled, spread on a shingle of fine exotic wood, seasoned to a fare-the-well, and baked.
After all this it's remarkably similar to Black Duck, as one discards the carp and eats the shingle.
Posted by: Billll | November 19, 2006 12:13 AM