If you go down the woods today ... (survival training joke)
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the directing staff tell them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook. Night falls.....
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks one of the instructors.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; good effort", says the instructor.
Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the course director, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate instructor.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
Via ARRSE
Comments
*roflmao*
Nice one ;)
Posted by: Misty | October 18, 2006 1:04 PM
I heard this a few years ago in a different form.
The scenario is the same, some woods and a rabbit required. First, the British Army, who patrol into the woods, insert a small team who build an OP, and observe the woods closely over a period of weeks. They do not find a rabbit.
Second, the CIA. They sit at desks in Langley, Virginia, drink coffes and consult technical intelligence and local sources. Over time, they build up an accurate picture of activities in the woods and eventually they pass the coordinates of the rabbit to the USAF who attack it with precision-guided weapons. The orphanage is utterly detroyed. No rabbits are harmed.
Lastly the RUC are sent in. Shouting and thuds are heard from the woods and eventually four or five RUC guys emerge, leading a badly bruised brown bear on a chain. The bear is saying "yeah, all right, I'm a rabbit, I'm a fucking rabbit".
Posted by: Steff | October 28, 2006 11:33 PM