The latest greatest threat to our children
Miraculously the ‘extinction level’ asteroid seems to have missed us thus far & give global warming another five years or so, any frozen lumps of extraterrestrial ice will simply melt as they reach the earth’s atmosphere. We haven’t all died of Ebola & if the truth be known, it is the annual village tombola poses a greater threat to our general health & well being. In Chelsea, people seem to be curing themselves of HIV (yeah right) & what ever happened to herpes? The barbarians are at the gate, in the shape of the religion of peace, but to date nearly all of the militant true believers are getting themselves ventilated on the banks of the Tigress, in ever increasing numbers. Other threats to our very way of life such low alcohol lager, seem to diminish with each bottle of scotch consumed & soon even my little Toni will be gone, relegated to the ranks of bad nightmares that have passed with the coming of dawn.
Despite all of these things there are dark forces at work; forces that have taken it upon themselves to worry endlessly on our behalf. Thus while we sleep, the safety Nazis are unstinting in their efforts to make all that is sharp, blunt & ensure that there is enough cotton wool to envelop every man, woman & child in the country.
The latest item to incur their wrath of the isn’t Hemingway sized spear guns nor long handled double headed battle axes, as endorsed by Eric. For once, they are not trying to ban the latest Kamikaze 1200cc turbo nutter b*stard motorcycle nor insisting that food processors can only be used by trained staff wearing protected clothing.
No – the latest item that our children MUST be saved from is none other than the common or garden fountain pen. I rest assured that somewhere in the dark bowels of Westminster, there it a government statistician who might not have seen daylight for 8 years but can provide irrefutable empirical evidence of the quantum of risk that these dangerous items pose. So from now on, rather than learning the art of penmanship, young people need to be shielded from the risk of swallowing the cap.
The ever worthy British Standards Institution, through British Standard 7272 now sets out strict guidelines on how pens should be made – with a small hole in the cap to allow a child to breath if he or she should swallow said item.
So forget the fact that this generation of children are clinically obese & all suffer from RSI brought on by an entire childhood spent playing Subway Rapist on the Playstation. Not to worry about teenage pregnancy rates or
chemicals abuse in the under 10s, it’s the fountain pen that threatens them more. So watch out parents, as the Headmaster of St John’s College School, Cambridge pointed out, soon we will be falling foul of the pen police.
Comments
Unfortunately this has been the case for some years. When I went to but a new fountain pen some time ago and questioned why there was a hole in the cap I was informed of the above.
As the pen in question has rather a large cap my view was and is "well if the're stupid enough to swallow that..."
Posted by: fdm | November 15, 2005 11:23 AM
All in all, the fountain pen is a pretty dangerous weapon.
Without a cap it can be used for stabbing and no doubt the ink is more carcinogenic than cigarette smoke if children are exposed to it for too long.
James Bond's ultimate toy - even without Q's little extras. How long before the mighty fountain pen is banned altogether?
Posted by: Nick | November 15, 2005 11:57 AM
Fountain pens were an essential part of school weaponry. The cartridges could be filled with rice and blown across the class room and strafing the annoying kid with spots became an art. Leaving a line of splodges across an otherwise virgin piece of white notepaper took skill and practice.
Biro's just don't cut it.
Tricky
Posted by: Tricky | November 15, 2005 12:16 PM
You read it here first. It's official - the pen really is mightier than the sword.
Posted by: Nick | November 15, 2005 1:07 PM
Um, if there's a hole in the cap, doesn't the pen... er... dry out?
DK
Posted by: The Devil's Kitchen | November 15, 2005 1:53 PM
Here's one that shouldn't affect too many people if they accidentally swallow the cap.
http://www.livescience.com/technology/051006_smallest_pen.html
Posted by: Nick | November 15, 2005 2:44 PM
no fountain pens, this will lead to the downfall of the the blotting paper industry - well the school industry of making ink bombs that explode with full colour effect on any victim. White school shirts are designed to have ink spots in the pockets, tongues were meant to be blue after chewing on biro (not swallowing!)or Parker's finest. Such repercussions of banning a pen!
finally a good knib can cause tremendous wounds - I am sure Sir Ray of Mears could survive for at least a month just with the humble fountain pen.
Oh and his winter layer of fat
Posted by: hugh | November 15, 2005 3:56 PM
I presume these lethal items will be finding their way onto the US Air Force's inventory as a repacement for cluster bombs. Fountain pen caps are so much more deadly than PE4!
Posted by: Bloodnok | November 16, 2005 1:14 AM
And don't forget all those fading tattoos (at least in my generation) engendered by the perfect combination of blue/black ink and a sharp point.
Posted by: trainer | November 16, 2005 2:30 AM