1. A stupid system that awards my little Toni a thumping parliamentary majority when he only gets what, 35.2% of the national vote. Hardly a stunning mandate. However, listening to him carp on about his ‘historic third term’ you might be forgiven for thinking that just about every man & woman in the country had voted for him – other than the 3 people that actually voted for Veritas. But to put this in perspective, only 22% of those eligible to vote, backed my little Toni.

2. The Electoral Commission for actually sending a voting card to one Algernon Mouse, who it seems lives just off the Fulham Road. Guys; seriously, when you saw the A. Mouse, who gave his address as 32 Acacia Avenue, didn’t any of you think to ask the next question?? Numpties!

3. The nanger at the BBC that considered that the Newsnight programme was so important that it needed to lease a helicopter for the duration of the campaign. I bet if it was their own money or they were answerable to shareholders they wouldn’t have spunked away that sort of money on self aggrandisement & pointless toys.

4. With the exception of the gargantuan Nicholas Soames (a man so generously proportioned, he has his own ring road) why on earth do all candidates adopt such bland dress codes? As Mrs FM commented the other night,
“My my, the cheap suits shop must have done well out of that little lot.”

As for the shirts, here is a little tip for any prospective candidates … its ok to wear a shirt that isn’t white. Of course, the candidates of the Monster Raving Loony Party are excluded from this comment – I mean we all want to vote for someone dressed a giant chocolate éclair – at least it wasn’t yet another bl**dy white shirt.

5. Oh, while we are on the subject of dress sense, I must take this opportunity to commend certain members of the Scottish National Party on some of their heroic shirt & tie combinations – there were more brown shirts than in Bavarian Beerkeller. Looking at that little lot, maybe Scotland really should have independence on the grounds of crimes against all that is well tailored & sartorially elegant.

6. Charles ‘bottle a day’ Kennedy for turning up to his constituency count at two in the morning with his wife & 10 day old nipper. I hope you get the six o’clock knock from social services. Photo opportunism is one thing … wandering the streets in the small hours with wife & child is all very well if you are a member what is laughably called our ‘itinerant community’ but hardly a way to behave if you are the leader of the third largest political party in the UK

7. At the risk of incurring more abuse from the ‘We Love Paula Ratbag Brigade’ … Michael ‘quitter’ Howard. Having put in a reasonable performance & taken a huge chunk out of the socialist majority – you throw the towel in the next day. It makes me really really glad that I didn’t vote for you. All those poor punters that put their faith in you & supported you with their votes must be feeling really good this evening. I bet they now all wish that they had voted for that giant éclair.

& finally …

now the election is over, politicians of whatever hue, will immediately cease telling all & sundry that they are only want to serve the constituents & will get back to behaving as they usually do – lording it over all of us & patronising the same voters whose indulgence they craved only a few days ago. Ba**ards!