Mr B makes his electoral choice
I have often considered investing in one of those signs for the gates of Beelzebub Mansions. You know the kind: No Hawkers, No Salesmen, No Gipsies, No Welsh that sort of thing. Unfortunately the gatepost wouldn't be big enough to carry the names of all the assorted riff-raff I would seek to exclude from my doorstep.
(There would also be exemptions. I do enjoy the occasional visits from those allegedly deaf and dumb tea towel-sellers. It makes me feel like a miracle worker when their powers of speech and hearing are restored by my simple refusal to fund their next bottle of Buckfast. The stream of vile invective some of them can emit is truly impressive.)
But there would always, always, be room for the sign that said No Political Canvassers. What planet are these people from? Do they really think that they can turn up, shiny-faced and expectant, after a gap of four or five years, just to have me pat them on the back and promise them my vote? No chance. They get roundly abused, whichever bunch of shysters they're representing.
And that's the problem. We're only six days into this election campaign and I'm already heartily sick of the whole shebang. It's not as if we're getting honest debate about important issues. All we get is spin, hype and lies lots and lots of lies.
(Did you see the Tony Brown and Gordon Blah show the other night? That forced, scripted, chit chat over the breakfast table? How embarrassing was that?)
Every time a NuLabour politician is forced into answering a question (and boy, do they hate it) you just know that 20 words in will be the phrase "But it's not as bad as it was under the Tories". Every time a Conservative pops his head above the parapet, it's to pretend that the world ended in 1997 and only Michael Howard can save the "pipple" of Britain from the jackboot of pan-European socialism. I've no idea what the Lib Dems think because I've usually smashed the radio before they get to their first verb if, indeed, they ever use one.
So it was with some relief that I finally came across a party manifesto with sound, sensible policies that would make a real difference to our over-burdened lives. Try these for size:
"We will issue a 99p coin to save on change."
"We pledge to reduce class sizes by making pupils sit closer to one another. Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them distracting the others."
"Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centers. All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion."
"Any teenager caught breaking an Auntie Social Order will be sent to their Uncle's for a clip around the ear."
"Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population. Fox hunting will be re-introduced under the one hound, one fox' policy to make it a bit fairer."
"All weapons of mass destruction will be made highly visible so we can find them."
"The National Anthem will be replaced with Bring Me Sunshine as sung by Morecambe and Wise. On State occasions, Prince Philip will juggle his spectacles up and down."
Now I ask you, who can disagree with any of that? So my mind is already made up. On May 5, I'm voting Monster Raving Loony Party.
Comments
The last canvassers I met, 4 years ago, were at least familiar enough with the habits of poor but honest terraced house dwelling folk like me to come round the back. We don't answer the front door because it's always some idiot tinpot Stalin with a clipboard who is here to 'help us'
They were greeted with the sight of me holding an AK47, which I was zeroing on the back yard 25 meter range. It wasn't a REAL AK, rather an airgun version, but you would need to take the thing apart to find out for sure. They didn't hang about long, I don't suppose they thought I would vote Labour. Their faces were a picture.
This time around the airgun AK is gone, replaced by a suitably UK-legal 7.62X39mm version with no gas system. But I can't zero it on the back yard any more, which is a shame.
I hope I get some canvassers from RESPECT and the Greens as well as Labour this time. They will hear so much foul mouthed abuse that they will think they wandered into a Tourettes sufferers convention by mistake
Posted by: HSLD | April 16, 2005 11:58 PM
Well... these raving monster loonies sounds like NZ's now defunct McGillicudy Serious party...
Posted by: Rhys | April 25, 2005 8:29 AM