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Pregnant women, sailing women & Mr B

I am not a misogynist. I readily recognise the role women play in society, particularly when it comes to washing, cleaning and getting the tea on the table. And that sex thing.

And let's face it, without them we'd be snacking on three-day-old pizza from the fridge, turning our underpants inside out on alternative days, and tuning into one of Mr Desmond's porn channels at ruinous expense. So yes, they have a use.

But what about when it comes to women in the workplace? I opened my Evening Post one night last week to find a story headlined "Rough deal for pregnant employees".

The story went on to detail the alleged abuse of and discrimination against women who had "fallen pregnant" while in full-time work.

(And isn't that a stupid phrase? No-one "falls pregnant" these days unless she's a slapper who's plummeted off an Ibiza hotel balcony in a drunken stupour onto a priapic joiner from Newcastle who's passed out beneath. And even that would take a degree of accuracy certain to win her the speedboat on Bullseye.)

And discrimination? You are joking, aren't you?

As any small businessman knows all too well, pregnant women are literally sacred cows. Never mind discriminating against them; you daren't even look at them the wrong way without copping for an industrial tribunal claim.

And that sad fact ties in neatly with another news story from the weekend, a piece from the Sunday Times bemoaning the fact that there is an apparent "Brain drain of bright women" who find it "difficult to find jobs that match their ability when they return to work after childbirth".

Oh, really? Well let me paint you a picture. As an enlightened employer, you willingly recruit bright young women. After all, they're cleverer than the comparative blokes, they work harder and they're more ambitious. They smell nicer and they're easier on the eye.

Up the ladder they climb, into senior management positions where they perform admirably. And then, and then … they hit 30 and "fall pregnant". And that's when the nappy hits the fan.

The minute that bit of fuzzy felt turns blue in the lavatories at Tesco, the enlightened employer who has advocated the advancement of women becomes the enemy; an evil MAN who, in their eyes, is determined to do them down.

But look at it from the employer's point of view. The key worker who was essential to their business has suddenly turned into Mother Earth. Her brain has turned to porridge. Her hormones run amok. The run-up to maternity leave is seen as unofficial holiday. If she doesn't fancy coming in, she won't. And what are you going to do about it, YOU MALE BASTARD?

And it gets worse. Once the mewling infant has been delivered, we have the ordeal of the Office Visit. In sweeps the New Mother, treasured child in a £500 pushchair that looks like it has been built by Porsche. The barren, childless crones of the office gather around, making those noises that women do. The baby in question might well be boss-eyed, smelly and ginger, but the assembled company conveniently ignores that fact and gushes over the new-born brat as if it were painted by Caravaggio. And hadn't just filled its nappy.

And then we have the defining moment. The New Mother, by now sagging in once otherwise pert places, desires to return to work. Fine, you think. It will be nice to have her back. But then the dead hand of NuLabour legislation descends upon you.

"I would like to come back to work," she states, damp patches already leaking onto her Mothercare-clad bosom, "but only for one day a week".

One day a week? What kind of business are we running here? How can a key worker only come back for one day a week? But that's the law, folks. You have to accommodate every wish of the New Mother, regardless of operating efficiency.

And then, even when you get your previous superstar back for one day a week, she's utterly useless. Never mind the needs of the business; little Kylie had a sniffle this morning and the Albanian au pair doesn't understand the directions on the Calpol bottle. Oh, and I won't be in next Tuesday because it's baby Pilates class.

And then, just as normality returns, and as your previously-valued employee begins to return to full efficiency … IT HAPPENS AGAIN. Child Number Two is on the horizon and the brain turns to porridge once again. And at the company's expense. So a valuable asset, promoted on merit and in the spirit of equality, becomes a business-funded baby factory. And so the cycle continues.

And what about the poor bloody men who have to cover for Mother Earth? They don't get the luxury of paid holidays just for churning out nippers like shelling peas. And who can blame them if they sometimes feel that Mother Earth would benefit from a substantial kick up her stretch-marked arse?

I am led to believe that all women want is a level playing field. Well from the male point of view, the sooner the better.

So that Ellen MacArthur. What's all that about then?

Some whining, whinging bird manages to sail around the world quicker than anyone else and all of a sudden she's a national heroine? I don't get it.

For a start, there was no parking involved. And in the vast expanse of the Southern Ocean, you're unlikely to drive into a passing yacht while trying to stop Child Three choking on a White Malteser. So we're not exactly talking about the sheer hell that is Tesco's car park here.

To be honest, driving the Dover to Calais ferry would have been more demanding. And I notice that everyone forgot to mention the fact that she was outpaced for several days by a Sri Lankan bloke on a deckchair.

When Robin Knox-Johnson did the same feat a couple of decades ago, he didn't have the luxury of satellite navigation and a semi-permanent escort by the RAF.

When Sir Francis Chichester completed his historic voyage, he did it in a rowing boat borrowed from the council paddling pool.

When Thor Heyerdahl crossed the Atlantic, he did it on a raft made from balsa wood. And he was blind-folded. And on fire for much of the time.

But just because some dizzy tart manages to nick the record off a Frenchman (admittedly the only positive aspect of the whole voyage) she suddenly becomes a Dame while docking in Falmouth and is lauded as this country's latest star?

I want to know what has happened to Mr MacArthur and the kids. Have they been living on microwave chips, Pot Noodles and Findus crispy pancakes for the past 71 days?

And if the whining old bat thinks she's tired now, wait until she gets home and sees what ten weeks of piled-up ironing looks like.

It's a cheap shot, but if you really want to "celebrate" a homecoming this week, what about the ten bodies carried off a Hercules transport plane at RAF Lyneham on Tuesday afternoon?

More news from Mr Blah's Cool Britannia. In the God-forsaken, blighted borough of Oldham, a 16-month-old child cops for a £50 spot fine for littering for throwing an empty Pepsi can into a bush. This anti-social act was spotted by a Litter Enforcement Officer (what?) who swooped on the child and nailed the ticket to his head in front of his outraged single parents. Both of whom were probably wearing baseball caps.

Things are little better in Kent. There, 13-year-old Amy Hodges threw a snowball at a friend. It missed and hit the wing mirror of an off-duty policeman. He summoned his mates and Amy spent four hours in custody being fingerprinted, photographed and obliged to give a DNA sample. She was later released after accepting a caution.

Meanwhile, in the leafy borough of Harrogate, North Yorkshire, Oliver Thomas (18) is fined £50 by a council warden after letting a piece of tomato slip out of his BLT sandwich and onto the blessed pavement.

Tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime, eh Tone?

Comments

Geetings from the Isle of Wight - Adopted home of that MacArthur person, where she is almost universaly regarded as a little bit embarising, save by those people who've met her, who hold more politicaly robust views.

Actualy, I'm not here to badmouth EM, I can do that anywhere around here, I'm just here to point out that she is niether the first woman to circumnavigate the Earth on her tod, nor the best. She might be a hair faster than the others, but that is down to her autopilot, her GPS and her luck with the weather. If the ladies of Albion want a sailing heroine then they might better look to Naomi James, who sailed single handed around the world way back in '77 wihtout the aid of a droidworks full of tech and against significantly worse weather, beating two foreign girls who were making almost simultanious attempts.

When Thor Heyerdahl crossed the Atlantic, he did it on a raft made from balsa wood. And he was blind-folded. And on fire for much of the time.

When Heyerdahl crossed the Atlantic (The Ra Expeditions), it was on a boat made of papyrus reeds. The balsa raft(Kon Tiki)was used in the Pacific.

Rich

Thor Heyerdahl crossed the Pacific Ocean, a much much bigger thingy of water, albeit warmer, than the piddling, cold little Atlantic. And he went into a tropical rainforest and cut the huge trees for the balsa raft himself. With an axe. Yeah.

DAMN where is Thor when you need him?

Nicely put.

"He summoned his mates and Amy spent four hours in custody being fingerprinted, photographed and obliged to give a DNA sample."

Which probably explains why HM Plod are too busy to investigate if your car is stolen or your home broken into. Thank God I live in America now

Women bring life into this world and some men/women spend their life depleating it. It is obvious by your narcistic comments you are not gifted in humanity. Women have many reasons to be in the workplace besides earning a new haircut etc. If men were truly effective in their presumed patriarchial duties perhaps the need for women in the workplace would diminish. Accomodating them should be your pleasure. Unless of course you fear the obvious. Women often have the power and patience to make the child with their love and affection. Perhaps your mother or father should of sent you to pilates classes so you could relax. Isn't that what your anger really stems from? Reality is more powerful than any bottom line and is perhaps your grandchilds future or not. I feel bad for people who don't realize the true bottom line. Our future as either morbid sociopaths with an underlined need to overcompensate by transfering our past aggression on to the next thing whether it be our work life, women, animals, ourselves,or others. By the way your thought is perception based on your own experiences. Einsteins law reguarding point of view pertains to our own human brains. Perhaps your lack of self knowledge has limited your own experiences in life. I hope the businees goes well cause you'll need it.

"If men were truly effective in their presumed patriarchial duties perhaps the need for women in the workplace would diminish"

Excuse me? Women have been screaming that they're equal to men in every way, and now you want to whine and bitch about men not being patriarchial enough? I don't think so. Not to mention the fact that if a man DOES attempt to be patriarchial, you women scream and file a lawsuit against him. At least make up your frigging mind before you decide what to blame us with, please.

"Accomodating them should be your pleasure."

Accomodating, yes. Bowing to every slightest demand even if you wreck your life and your business? No.

"Unless of course you fear the obvious. Women often have the power and patience to make the child with their love and affection."

And since you've kicked the fathers out of just about every aspect of the child's life, why don't you continue to "make the child" however the hell you want to. But don't expect us to shoulder every burden that you demand. I also notice you you fail to regard the father's influence in any way what so ever. I think that says all that needs to be said right there.

"Perhaps your mother or father should of sent you to pilates classes so you could relax. Isn't that what your anger really stems from?"

No, it stems from the fact that idiotic bints who used to be productive workers (as they said they would be) are now working minimal hours and demanding the exact same pay and benifits that they had when they were working full time. But since you obviously don't understand how a business operates, I'll forgive your lack of knowledge in these manners.

"Reality is more powerful than any bottom line and is perhaps your grandchilds future or not."

Reality is his grandchild's future or not? I see that your brains have already attained the mush-like state that was mentioned in this piece. Congradulations on your expected arrival!

"Our future as either morbid sociopaths with an underlined need to overcompensate by transfering our past aggression on to the next thing whether it be our work life, women, animals, ourselves,or others."

??????? What kind of drug addled, new-age, bullshit thinking came up with a non-sensical line like that? Do you talk this all the time? How in G-d's name do you manage to make yourself understood by the general public? What kind of drugs are you taking?

"By the way your thought is perception based on your own experiences. Einsteins law reguarding point of view pertains to our own human brains. Perhaps your lack of self knowledge has limited your own experiences in life. I hope the businees goes well cause you'll need it."

If he can avoid hiring any mush-brained twits such as yourself, he'll do just fine. Perhaps next time you should figure out which single voice in your head will be doing the speaking, rather than letting them all out at once. It makes for much more pleasant reading, and would be appreciated by everyone else.

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